Salt & Vinegar Ch. 07

"Unfortunately, I can't undo that: only you can. I can tell you to stop being submissive, but that's not a real fix. Permission can be withdrawn, and you'll never really feel free of it unless you change your own mindset. If you want to that is. So, I'm giving you the space to make that choice. Any comfort or emotional support I give you now will only reinforce the SM bond, so you must do this yourself. I'm sorry, Jus, this is going to be really hard for you over the next few months. If it's any consolation - not that it matters - it's going to be hell for me."

Wait. Months!?

"I'm scared, Lena."

"I know. Take your time. Don't put pressure on yourself. Work your way through it at your own pace. Try too hard and it'll be self-defeating."

No. No! This wasn't happening. We'd come here to tell my family about our love and our engagement. How could the weekend end like this? Lena was only an arm's length away from me, but she felt unreachable. The bond between us stretched paper thin. No, that wasn't right. There was a very strong bond between us, and it was bright and shiny and new. My anchor chain gleamed. She was everything I needed.

"Hold me please, Lena."

"No."

The denial hurt worse than the earlier slap. That had stung. This cut to my heart. I felt a tear track down my cheek. I began to realise the extent of what we had done and the implications.

"Hold me!"

It sounded plaintive to my ears, but Lena slowly got off the chair. I stretched my arms out to her, but instead of stepping into them she reached down, pulled me up and spun me around. She held me lightly from behind for a moment and then released me, stepping away.

Her withdrawal was agony. All I craved was the warmth of her touch, the nearness of her body, the feel of her strong arms around me. I needed her like I needed air.

"Goodnight, Jus."

She turned and walked out of the room, closing the door behind her.

Tears tracked down my cheeks.

I stumbled around the room to turn out the light. 4am on the wall clock. I'd been just one hour in hell. I crawled under the sheets still naked. No amount of clothes would have covered me anyway. I was raw and exposed inside and out. How had this happened? I loved her and she did this to me? I loved her still. How was this fair? I had no answers. The cold, bright chain didn't provide any either.

I cried myself to sleep.

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JUSTINE

Gulls wheeled in the open sky, their cries the freedom of creatures of the wing. A gentle breeze blew strands of hair into my face, and I reached to brush them out of my eyes almost losing my balance.

What?

I looked down and vertigo almost overcame me. Arms pinwheeling wildly, I regained a modicum of equilibrium.

I stood on a tightrope above an impossibly calm sea. Gentle wavelets glinted in the bright sunshine. White sand below crystal-clear water, fading to brilliant azure toward the horizon.

"Come drown with me, Jus!" Lena called.

She reclined on a floating pool lounger. Bikini clad, long bronzed legs stretched out. A wide hat and sunglasses on a face tipped up toward me.

"The water's perfect", she called.

I'm dreaming, I must be dreaming. She was far below but I could see every feature of her perfectly. So far, yet I also felt that I could just extend my foot and my toe would touch the water.

A tremor in the rope. I looked up. It was anchored to a cliff top at some distance. Rough granite rose from the ocean in a sheer face. Lena beckoned urgently to me a hand extended. So far, yet I also felt that I could reach out and take it. That she would pull me to safety.

"Come, on Jus, you can do it. Just walk toward me slowly."

Lena laughed from the lounger below.

"Don't worry about her, just let go. I'll catch you. The water is delightfully warm."

The breeze played with my hair and snatched away the words of Lena-on-the-cliff.

" ... don't listen ... do it."

A tremor in the rope. Very carefully I looked over my shoulder. Behind me another almost identical cliff face. Lena crouched near the anchor point, a knife in her hand. As I watched she sawed at the rope and I felt the reverberation under my feet. A strand snapped. She looked at me with impassionate eyes.

"You must choose."

"Wait! You don't have to do this!"

"Choose."

I looked down. Lena raised a cocktail glass to me.

"No choice at all, really, babe. Look at this." She waved an arm to emphasize the picture-perfect resort postcard scenery.

"Don't you dare, Jus. You walk over here, right now, bitch!" yelled Lena from the far cliff top.

Another tremor in the rope.

"Hey, just stop will you! Can't we talk about this?"

Another strand fell victim to the knife.

"Come on, Jus! You're running out of time. You must choose. You can't stand there for ever. Come to me quickly, you silly bitch! But for fuck's sake don't lose your balance. Take your time, just hurry!"

"You don't need to hurry at all, just step off. It's not far and the water's deep enough. I'm here ready and waiting, no effort needed."

I felt the tension in the rope go. A sudden feeling of weightlessness, then my stomach was in my throat as I fell. Wildly I reached for the rope and, somehow, I caught it as my hand brushed its coarse fibres. I reached up to grasp it with my other hand and was horrified to see the cliff face coming toward me at speed. I tried to get my legs up to cushion some of the impact, but I was too slow and I crashed into the rock face. I felt ribs crack. Then pain a second later as my head connected and the rough surface tore at my face.

The shock loosened my hold and I felt the rope slip through my fingers. I grabbed it again and I felt the burn as I struggled to slow my fall. The smell of raw flesh. Blood seeping through my clenched fists, dripping down my wrists and landing with a soft plop in the water below.

"Well, that was unnecessarily dramatic", drawled Lena, "but here you are."

The lounger bobbed gently in the water as it lapped against the cliff face. Her head was level with my hip and I realised my feet were actually wet.

"Just let go of that rope and come join me. This drink's for you. Then I'm sure we can find something to while away the time."

She arched an eyebrow at me. The sunglasses hid her eyes but I knew what they held. The promise of my deepest desires.

"Justine McIntyre, don't you fucking dare!"

Far above, Lena's head was a speck outlined against the skyline. Her vitriol softened to a whisper by the distance.

"Climb, you stupid bitch!"

I sighed. It was such a long way and the water was warm. I realised I was thirsty and that cocktail would go down pretty well about now. My hands were sore, by body ached and my face was all smashed up - again. Was climbing really worth the effort?

Lena-on-the-lounger grinned at me, which may have been a mistake. She exposed teeth unnaturally sharp and pointed. She saw my shock and closed her mouth although the smile remained.

"Don't listen to her. Stay here with me. I'll look after you and care for you."

"No, Jus. No! Climb, dammit, climb!!"

The breeze stiffened and grew colder. The light dimmed and storm clouds coalesced. I felt the first fat drops of cold rain on my face. Soon it was sheeting into my eyes and I was shivering, soaked to the bone. The rope was saturated, and my hands began to slip.

"Don't fight it, love. Just let go."

Incredibly, the storm didn't reach the sea. The water was still calm and placid, sunlight dancing on its surface. Lena reached out a hand to caress my leg.

"See, nothing to worry about. Here it's always warm and bright. All that selfish cunt up there wants to do is make you suffer. You don't have to do that."

I slipped further and my feet touched bottom. I stumbled to get my balance on the smooth rocks. She was right. Why bother? Why should I extend all that effort? She wasn't doing anything to help. Just calling me a stupid bitch! Well, fuck her. I'll stay here and enjoy the warm water and that drink. And the whatever comes after, which I could almost guarantee would be more mind-blowing sex!

I glanced down to make sure of my footing and froze. Not rocks. The ocean floor wasn't the white sand it had seemed from above. Empty eye sockets staring sightlessly. Shattered jaws and scattered teeth screaming silently. The skulls of the damned.

"Don't worry about them, Jus. You won't fail to please me like they did."

Fuck this. I hadn't let go of the rope. I reached a hand up for a higher hold when I felt piercing pain. Lena had sunk talons into my thighs. Blood welled and flowed down my legs in scarlet rivulets. I screamed.

"I don't let my prey go that easily, dear one", she purred. "Just let go and the pain will end."

I looked over my shoulder. Through the driving rain I could just see Lena on the far cliff top. Lightning flashed and the knife she still held glittered. Her face was expressionless as she watched me. No help there, then.

"Please, Justine, please!" Climb, my love. Just try! I know you can do this!"

Her face was as expressive as the other's wasn't. Real fear and panic etched harsh lines and her eyes were wild. The wind spun her raven hair into a cloud about her darker even than the basalt sky.

"I love you so much! Please, Jus, try!"

I reached.

I screamed again as I felt Lena's full weight held only by the barbed hooks of her nails punched deep into my flesh. There was no way I could do this but, fuck it, I was going to try anyway.

I began to climb.

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LENA

I was sitting at the kitchen bench with a cup of coffee scrolling through the week's appointments on my phone when Mary walked in.

"Hello, Lena, you're up early."

"It's half seven, not really that early."

"I expected you'd be up late this morning. Didn't hear you come in last night."

"We were a bit later than we'd planned. Hope we didn't disturb you."

"Not, not at all. We were in bed by 11 o'clock and I didn't hear a thing until the alarm woke me 15 minutes ago."

Lucky thing, too. Truth told, I hadn't slept and the only thing keeping me alive was this shot of caffeine and sugar. After I'd said goodnight to Jus, I'd gone back to my room and stripped the bed. It was a mess. Fortunately, there was a mattress protector underneath the sheets otherwise there would have been some rather awkward explanations. I'd lain down on the bare mattress afterwards but couldn't drift off. Self-recriminations were an effective sleep deterrent.

I'd come down with the laundry when the sky started to lighten and put a load in the washer. Jackson passed me on my way back upstairs. He was heading to training and said goodbye since we'd be gone before he got back. He surprised me with a brotherly hug. 'Say goodbye to Teenie for me, OK?' he'd said over his shoulder as he went out the front door.

"What can I fix you for breakfast, honey?"

"Nothing, thanks Mary, I'm fine. Just coffee is my usual."

"Really? I'm cooking for Alex and he'll be down in a minute. You sure you won't have something?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. Thanks though. Just going to hang the sheets I put on earlier."

"Oh, Lena, you didn't have to do that. Really, love, it's fine."

Really, they weren't. But I wasn't going to tell her that. I truly hoped the stain remover and bleach had done their job.

By the time I got back a bleary-eyed Justine was sitting at the table eating breakfast with her parents. She didn't look great.

"Hey, Jus", I said easing myself into a chair. "Good morning, Alex."

He nodded at me over the edge of the morning paper.

Jus gave me a small smile and buried her face back in a hot mug of what smelled like cocoa.

"Justine never was a morning person", opined Mary.

A small groan from the cocoa mug.

"No stories, Mom. Not during breakfast, please."

Mary chuckled and gave her head a pat as she got up.

"OK, then Rabbit", she smiled.

Only I saw the wince.

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JUSTINE

It was probably the worst morning of my life, saving only the one where I'd woken in hospital a few months ago.

Having to keep up appearances in front of my parents when all I wanted to do was crawl away and hide. Or die. Or crawl into Lena's arms. Or beat the living shit out of her.

She had her mask on too, but less obviously. To all outward appearances she was relaxed and sociable. But I knew her tells. She also kept glancing at me when she thought I wouldn't notice. I wasn't sure whether that made me happy or pissed. Or both.

But I wasn't made of glass. Having been with Lena for almost two years had given me a fair amount of emotional resilience. It didn't make it better; just meant I wasn't a puddle on the floor.

We packed after breakfast and spent a half hour with mid-western goodbyes before we got into the cab. I cursed Mom's intuition when she asked if I was OK, thinking I was looking a bit peaky. 'Peaky' wasn't the half of it. I fobbed her off with having gone a bit hard last night. She bought it. Thankfully, she didn't ask hard at what.

The cab ride was awkward, but the driver didn't notice; or didn't care even if he did. We both sat in the back and looked out our own windows, not speaking. All I could think of was how close Lena was, and how far away. I could reach out and touch her but feared rejection.

The plane was worse. We'd booked adjacent seats of course. I tried to avoid contact with her and then hated myself when I felt the warmth of her shoulder and just about cried. She'd given me the window and I huddled against it as far from her as possible. The aisle seat remained free as the last passenger got on and the door closed, but she didn't move. Again, joy and anger warred within me and the contest was a draw. My protector and guard. At least hold my hand, please? No? Tease. Fucking bitch. I was not going to ask.

I tuned out the safety briefing and gave myself a mental shake. This melodramatic maundering wasn't going to get me anywhere. I took a step back and looked objectively at my situation. Lena was right, this was my call. She couldn't choose for me, I had to decide for myself. Was I her servant or her partner? I found I wanted the relationship we'd had. I didn't want to be a slave or a pet. I wanted to be the me that had fallen in love with Lena. I wanted her to have all the love I could give her freely and without compulsion. I wanted our fusion on equal terms, and I was certain that's what she wanted too. I made my choice.

The plane taxied down the runway with the engines roaring.

My spirit lifted with the plane as we headed home.

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Some extra notes for those interested in details behind the story.

There is a lot to unpack in Paul Delvaux's The Sleeping Venus (1944). Study the composition and don't just perv at the nudity. Justine's subconscious comparison of Lena with the subject is more than superficial.

The psychology of BDSM is very complex. What is presented here - and in the next chapter which concludes this arc - is a simplification and dramatization for the purposes of story. It is possible, though unlikely, that Justine would have formed a bond of the strength portrayed after the single episode described. However, events with extreme emotional intensity can have a profound impact on the human psyche. Witness the effects of PTSD. Whatever your kinks and fantasies, please always treat your partners with respect and do not abuse their trust.

This and the following chapter were inspired by the range of emotions in 'Empty Bottle' from Veruca Salt's 'Ghost Notes' album. Thanks Nina and Louise for all your awesome work over the years!