Salting The Earth

The last thing that I wanted to do was to bring pain to my children, but I could see no way around it. I had to tell them that I was dying and that my wife was cheating on me. To be honest, after finding out that Liz and Scott knew, I realized that it was pretty obvious at that point and wondered if the kids were aware. All Amber had to do was watch the local news to find out her mother was a slut.

After taking a deep breath, I grabbed my laptop and got out of the car, determined to do what I could to make things as easy as possible for Amber and William.

Amber had picked up her brother at the airport and they were both waiting. After the perfunctory hugs, I sat them down and began.

"This is... Man, I am so sorry you have to deal with this. No kid should have to be involved in something like this."

Amber pulled her hands from the table and put them on her lap as she leaned forward. "Dad, what's going on?"

"Okay, two things. One worse than the other. Your mother...Damn it. I can't even say the words. If I could just keep you guys out of it, I would." I paused for a moment. "Your mother's been cheating on me. She's been seeing the guy she was with before the two of us got together. He's a chiropractor and moved back to town about a year ago."

I'm not sure if they didn't believe me or didn't want to believe me, but I could see how conflicted they were. They wanted to support me and express sympathy, but still had doubts. Those were eliminated when I showed them the text of the investigators reports. Amber wanted to see the photos, William absolutely did not.

He watched his sister as she looked at the photos, hoping to find something to hang onto, some small chance that this was all a big mistake. When she started crying, he knew. They both knew and I wished to hell that they didn't have to. I held Amber for a few minutes. She pulled herself together quickly.

"What are you going to do, Daddy? Does she know you know? Are you going to try to work it out? Are... is... are you leaning towards divorce?"

"There won't be a divorce. I guess this is as good a time as any to bring up the second... I don't know. Situation. I really am so sorry to lay this all on you like this. I'm, shit, okay, I'm not going to be here much longer. I'm dying. Cancer. I have about six months. I found out just before I found out about your mother. Same day."

Things got bad quickly. There were tears and anger when they found out about Molly, but that paled in comparison to the news of the cancer. They had the same reactions that I initially had. There had to be a mistake somewhere, I had to get a second opinion, there must be some treatment available and the rest of the denial gamut.

Focusing on Ekam's advice, I spoke calmly and recognized the authenticity of their reactions. They had plenty of untenable suggestions and I gently advised that we table any discussions until they had some time to digest the news. There were more tears and William seemed particularly distraught. He wasn't a talker when it came to emotions. He never had been.

I assumed that Amber would call and yell at her mother, but William would likely deal with everything quietly, internalizing his emotions, never discussing the situation with Molly. After an hour or so, he took a beer to the porch and stared off into the distance in solitude. We left him alone for a while.

When he came back in, I could tell he'd been crying. William walked over, hugged me, hugged his sister and grabbed another beer. In a way, he'd lost both parents today.

"Listen, I know it's not really much consolation, but I still have some time left. I want to take the two of you out to the best restaurant in Colorado Springs tonight. Amber, can you find a place and make reservations? If it's okay, I'm going to crash in your guestroom for a little while. I'll get up around 5:00 and we'll get dinner."

"Sure, Dad. There's fresh linens on the bed and there's an extra blanket in the closet."

"Great. Thanks. Uhm, if your mother calls, I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention that I was here. Oh, and you might want to check the local news stations. Go to their websites and search for chiropractor and billboard."

Listening to their hushed voices, I quickly fell asleep.

"...ad. Dad, wake up, okay?"

I felt Amber's hand on my cheek and slowly opened my eyes. I was so damned tired. After clearing my head, I yawned and then half mumbled as I spoke. "Honey, my wallets on the bureau. Can we maybe postpone the restaurant until tomorrow? Order something in, whatever you want, my treat."

She looked like she was about to start crying again. "Dad, it's 10:30. You've been asleep for more than seven hours. And you're burning up. Can we take you to the hospital? Can we call someone?"

Taking her hand from my cheek, I kissed her palm. "I'm sorry, Honey. I'm just... tired. Very tired. I'll be better tomorrow. Where's your brother?"

Raising her eyebrows, she looked passed me. Rolling over, I saw William sitting in a rocking chair, watching me."

"He's been there for four hours. You sure the fever's not a problem?"

"They come and go. It's okay. I'm just gonna go back to sleep. We'll go for a big breakfast and make a day of it."

"Okay." She leaned down and kissed my forehead. "I..." Amber started crying again. "I love you, Dad."

"Love you too, Honey."

I was soon asleep again.

The verve that I had felt recently, that uptick in my energy and zest for life was gone. I woke up exhausted but determined not to show it in front of the kids. We went for a breakfast buffet and I made two trips but didn't eat much.

Although I felt worse physically, I felt much better emotionally. I had my children. I was using them, and it bothered me. I felt like a ghoul that fed off of others. Their energy bolstered me, but I could see what it was costing them.

Grabbing my laptop and a coffee, I went out to Amber's porch. I'd determined that I couldn't put it off any longer, it was time to deal with friends and extended family. I'd closed myself down and narrowed my focus since I found out about Molly. If it wasn't about my business, the kids or dealing with her and Frost; I ignored it.

Texts were deleted unread; emails were ignored, and phone calls went unanswered.

Opening my email client, I found that I had 274 unread emails and that was after the spam filter. Anything from Molly was immediately deleted. When I was about to delete her 23rd email, I instead hit the Options function and blocked her address. That felt good, but petty. I was fine with petty.

Anything that was fairly generic received a response that I had composed and cut and pasted. It was a summary of what Molly had been up to, a confirmation that yes, I had definitive proof, and my diagnosis. I explained that although their concern was appreciated and that I loved them all, I needed to spend as much time with Amber and William as possible.

Emails from close friends and people that I truly cared for that had specific questions received specific answers. It took hours to go through everything. The kids and I did go to the best restaurant in Colorado Springs that night. We had a great time, but the sad pauses and quiet moments of reflection were inevitable.

William flew home on Monday, but I stayed with Amber for another few days. I lined up an apartment and did an online walk-through. I took a one-year lease and moved in the following weekend.

Whatever Liz did must have scared the hell out of Frost and his attorneys. They stopped trying to have me served and I never heard from them again. She introduced me to her brother-in-law's Aunt Beth, and I hired her within the hour. I was comfortable with Beth. She was an older lady who had been a private duty nurse for decades. She knew what was coming and I didn't have to worry about preparing her.

At close to the 30-day mark, I had a letter of intent for the purchase of the company and the mortgage went through.

I began to know the flight attendants by name. Flying out to see William was a weekly occurrence. He gave me a key to his place, and I'd stay for a day or two and the next week he'd fly to Pueblo. I had lunch with Scott and Liz a few times and even went with them to see the Poplin Family Jug Band. It was cute, but I wouldn't go again.

My days were fairly full with friends and a few cousins who flew in. Everyone wanted to see me. The truth is that they were saying goodbye. We all knew it, but no one said it. There were tears and shared memories, hugs, slaps on the back and assurances that they would look in on Amber and William.

I grew progressively weaker and was soon on pain killers. I had three pillars of strength; my two children and Ekam. I clung to them and their doors were always open.

In contrast, mine were always closed to Molly. I changed my phone number, tried to make sure I was never followed, and the kids refused to pass on her messages or give her my contact information. I kept up payments on the new mortgage, but that would stop when they lowered me in the ground. She'd get by, but barely. Her mother had money and would take her in.

Carla, my P.A., informed me that Molly had stopped in every day for two weeks and was stalking the parking lot. I was afraid that she'd do the same thing to me that I'd done to her and hire a private investigator. After seeing her at my favorite bookstore and two of my go-to restaurants, I grew concerned. She hadn't spotted me, but that couldn't last forever.

While the kids were steadfast in their refusal to talk about Molly and what she was up to, Ekam had no such compulsions.

"Gordon, she's been to my office half a dozen times and my home twice. If your goal was to punish her, bravo, goal accomplished. She's a wreck. I actually referred her to a colleague. I'm seriously concerned about her wellbeing."

"That's unfortunate. Sorry, I know that sounds... clinical, unemotional, I guess, but I mean it. You shouldn't be dragged into this. I don't think that I thought this all the way through. The kids was sort of expected, but them not telling her anything about me isn't so bad; I doubt they're talking to her much anyway. I didn't expect this to impact my friends."

"So, you'll consider talking to her?"

"Fuck, no. Seriously? Ekam, my position hasn't changed one iota."

His eyes narrowed and he leaned forward. "Look, what if it was an iron-clad guarantee of one time only. We could do it here, in my office and I could act as a buffer of sorts. It would provide some closure for you and maybe take some pressure off William and Amber. It's pretty low of me to use them like this, but it would truly help your children if you had some sort of conclusion to all of this. You've been married to Molly for a quarter of a century and, like it or not, she and the kids will still be here when you're gone. If this can help your children have someone in their lives that loves them when you're gone, don't you want to explore that option?"

"Wow. Yeah, you're right, that was pretty low. Powerful, but low. Okay. I'll think about it for the kids." I smiled and shook my head. "Using my kids, Ekam. Sheesh."

He just smiled and shrugged his shoulders.

Although I paid her up front for a year's worth of service, I didn't plan on using Beth until I had to. I clung to my independence and any semblance of normalcy with a desperation that scared me at times. Sadly, as the pain grew worse and the dosages increased correspondingly, driving was becoming more and more difficult. My nurse became my driver.

Beth drove me to La Forchetta da Massi where I was having dinner with my kids. She dropped me off and then went to do some shopping, likely something for her nephew's children. They were like her grandchildren and she talked about them incessantly. There was her teenage grand-niece, Shannon, who was some genius violinist according to Beth and two little boys, one four and the other a toddler.

William and Amber were seated by the time I arrived. We enjoyed some excellent food and talked about their careers. By the time dessert hit the table, I was ready to bring up Ekam's concerns.

"Guys, I need to ask you something and please be honest with me. Is it making your lives any more difficult by me not speaking to your mother?"

Amber put down her fork and answered. "No, not really. She'll call once a week but knows that I'll hang up if she mentions getting in touch with you. She still tries, but not often."

"Okay."

We both sat there waiting. When he finally looked up from his dessert and saw us staring at him, William took a sip of his coffee and shrugged his shoulders. "It doesn't make a damned bit of difference to me at all. I haven't spoken to her and I don't plan on speaking to her. She can't nag me or pressure me in any way. She still stalking you?"

"Yeah. I had to change parishes. She hasn't been to mass in, I don't know, five, six years? She was there this week."

I was suddenly exhausted again, but it was more emotional than physical. We were their parents. We should be lessening their burdens, not adding to them.

"Do you..." I sighed. "When I'm gone, is it going to be difficult for the two of you to find a way to move forward with her? Would it help if I reached out to her?"

Again, Amber was the first to respond. "I don't think so, Dad. If Mom and I are going to get back what we had, it's going to take a while. A long while. It's certainly not going to be in the next few months, regardless of what you do."

Pushing his plate towards the center of the table, William leaned in. "I can't believe this selfish bitch is the mother I grew up with. You've made it perfectly clear that you don't want to see her. She can't even give you that. You're dying and it's still about what she wants. Fuck her." He pulled out his wallet, left enough money on the table for our dinner plus tip and then stormed out.

We found him on some paving stones surrounding a small pond outside the restaurant. William was just sitting there, staring at the water.

"You okay, son?"

Startled, he looked up. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay. I just get... frustrated. She completely checked out of our lives and now she wants back in before the clock runs out? It's always about her."

Beth circled back to pick me up and I hugged the kids before getting in the car. Whether she was driving or not, she was still my nurse.

"You look a little pale. You feeling all right?"

"Physically? Not so bad."

"I'm sorry, Gordon. I wish it was easier."

"Thanks, Beth. Me too."

I paid off any debts that my children might have, bought William a home near his condo and Amber received some investment property. They'd be getting a lot more after the sale went through. College funds for future grandchildren were set up and I paid off Ekam's kid's college loans.

The image in my mind was like one of those markers that they have for telethons. The little red line creeps up as more pledges come in and they work their way towards their goal. Mine was in reverse. I needed to get rid of every dollar possible so that Molly would get nothing. It consumed me and drove me forward. I could picture my marker. It started at the top and I was slowly spending it down, down, down.

Money was kept in her account, the utilities and other expenses for the house was paid for and she had no reason to suspect that when I was gone, the money would be too. After answering hundreds of emails letting people know I was dying, she had to be aware.

Maybe she didn't care. Maybe she was still fucking her first love. I doubt it, but it was possible. I could have kept the investigators on her and found out exactly what she was doing, but imagining her pain was likely more fun than finding out what the reality was.

By the time 60 days had rolled past, the expedited sale of the company went through. I gave everyone large bonuses and included provisions in the sale that they would retain their jobs for 24 months. They had been keeping everything rolling for me while I was a mostly absentee owner.

As we approached the three-month mark, Beth moved in with me. I was seeing the palliative care specialists and had eschewed any options that might prolong my life for another few months at the cost of any meaningful time I had left while I was still me.

Once in a while Beth claimed that she needed to bring her grand-nephews over so that she could babysit. We both knew that she was lying. She saw how much I lit up when they were in the apartment. The first time that they were there, Ethan brought a toy dump-truck. He and I sat on the floor and played for hours. I mostly watched, and remembered when William was a child, but I'd put stuff in the truck when told to do so.

Ethan was a very assertive child, but he was also very kind. His aunt would let him have three cookies and a glass of milk every afternoon. She clearly loved the boys beyond reason. Ethan wouldn't eat his until I also had three cookies and his brother had two. He got one less because he was 'little'. It seemed like a salient argument.

The following week he was very excited to tell me about the new addition to his family. They had gotten a dog that they named Captain Thor because the boys couldn't decide who their favorite superhero was. That was Ethan's claim, anyway. Personally, I thought he just liked the name Captain Thor. It had undeniable panache.

A few days later, I called Amber. "Hey, honey. I want you to think about this and not just answer immediately. Have you ever considered getting a dog? Maybe in about three months or so?"

"Dad, what did you do?"

"His name is Sparky. I was told that his name should be Iron Hulk, but I like Sparky better. He's a purebred amalgamation and he's the smartest dog you ever met. He won't be any trouble and I'll make sure you're set up with dog food for life."

She sighed. "Dad... what the hell is a purebred amalgamation?"

"Okay, he's a mutt. I got him at Paws For Life over on Pueblo Avenue. I'm gonna send you a video. You're going to love him."

"If you love him, I'm sure I'll love him. You just..." I could hear her softly crying and then pull it together. "A dog sounds great, Dad. Maybe I'll pick up some dinner after work tomorrow and drive over and meet Iron-Sparky-Hulk."

"That would be great. The two of you are going to be best friends."

"Okay. Dad? I love you. You... Never mind. I'll see you tomorrow."

I filmed Sparky with my phone and had him sit and roll-over. I sent the video and some photos to both Amber and Ekam. He thought that getting a dog was a wonderful idea. To be fair, Beth was also okay with it even though she cleaned up after him and took him for walks.

No matter where we put him at night, I would wake up to see Sparky half propped on the pillow next to me, staring, waiting for me to open my eyes. As lovely as that was, immediately after the first time it happened, I jumped on Amazon looking for dog treats that help with halitosis.

I was right. Amber immediately fell in love with Sparky. I was almost afraid that she'd try to sneak him home with her that night.

Things were getting more difficult as time went by. I was sad, frustrated and frightened; but I was also oddly at peace. Ekam played a huge part in that. He joined me when I went to speak with my priest. I half expected my friend to guide the priest into discussions about forgiveness, but he didn't.

The mark of a true friend is being there for you when you are most in need. Ekam was there, day in and day out. He was probably the most decent man I'd ever met and when I prayed, which was more and more frequently of late, I often thanked God for putting Ekam in my life.

Country music just isn't my thing. I could admire the skill of Beth's nephew and grand-niece, but the Poplin Family Jug Band was never going to be something I enjoyed listening to. On the other hand, Shannon Poplin's classical playing was astounding.