Sammy, Tammy, and Me

* * * * * *

I woke up first in the morning. I went into the bathroom and took care of my urgent needs, then crept back to bed and slipped in beside Tammy, carefully rearranging our bodies without waking her. But I couldn't go back to sleep, exactly, and as I lay there staring at the ceiling, my mind wandered sleepily as if it were on autopilot. I recalled the heady sensations that our lovemaking had produced, then the excitement of having an illicit affair with my niece's friend, and how she looked as I peeled away layer after layer of her clothes. I was reliving the intensely emotional scene when, in the afterglow of sex, we both broke through the veneer of polite behavior to talk about the deep feelings that our new relationship had brought to the surface. How wonderful to release our emotions and share our deepest thoughts together, without restraint or apology. It made me feel young, and free, and energetic. I relished the secrecy of our intimate relationship, and the openness that we shared so privately. This was even better than having a best friend - it was like - like - like what? It was like being in love, something that I had told myself was behind me, a memory never to be reawakened. And as I thought about reawakening, Tammy stirred and snuggled closer against me and moved the hand that was on my chest, as if to discover what this object was that she was draped over. Then she opened her eyes a little and said, "Good morning, lover."

That word made me feel warm all over. I wanted to say something appropriate, something that would capture the moment in a few words, but my feelings were spilling out all over and I wasn't sure what I should say. "Good morning to you, too. Is that what we are, lovers? Sounds good to me."

Tammy's immediate reply needed no words. The mouth that might have spoken words of love was otherwise occupied, kissing and tasting and nibbling and cooing and moaning. She discovered my nipple and sucked on it while fluttering her tongue over it to send a quiver through my body. Her arms, meanwhile, had encircled my upper torso and she hugged me as if she'd never let go. Then she stirred and sat up just enough to peer at the alarm clock. "Not enough time to make love, but time for a cuddle. Oh Dick, how tired I was of waking up alone. Being in love is the best way to start the day. Tell me you'll be here for me when I come home, and that there's nothing you'll want more than to hear how my day went. How the thought of you lingered in the back of my mind, no matter what I was doing. Let me know that I make a difference in your life. If I don't, just lie to me. Let me feel that I'm important to you. Please?"

I rolled up on my side and pulled her to me, pressing her body to mine and feeling the combination of strength and softness that defines a woman. "You mirror my feelings. When you think of me, I'll be thinking of you."

I pulled on sweats and hid my untidy hair with a baseball cap, and went to the kitchen to brew a pot of coffee and toast a trio of bagels. By the time the coffee was ready, I had gotten out cream cheese, marmalade, and strawberry jam. Tammy walked through the doorway and paused. "Oh Dick, how thoughtful. What a nice way to face a workday. You're so sweet."

Sam was coming in from the other direction. "Now you can see why he's my favorite uncle. What a difference. We have time to eat a little something because you've got it all ready for us. Tammy's right, Unk, you're very sweet."

The girls chattered over their coffee and bagels, and each of them gave me a kiss as they left for work. Sam's kiss was a light peck on the cheek, being careful not to mess up her lipstick, and then she was on her way to her car when Tammy took her turn. I noticed that she hadn't put on any lipstick, and she gave me a real kiss, one to treasure for the whole day. "It's so handy to be a passenger in the morning. Plenty of time to put the finishing touches on my face while we're stuck in traffic." Then she brought her lips to my ear to whisper, "I love you," and she was gone.

I carried my coffee cup into the living room and turned on the TV for the morning news. Nothing they talked about could dampen my spirits, not the murders in the seedier parts of town, or the house fires, or the terrorist bombings in Iraq and Afghanistan, or the civil war in Syria. I smiled at the serious news anchors, and the pleasant but authoritative weather girl who talked about an approaching cold front while displaying her very lovely warm front, and the perky little sprite who showed where the morning's accidents and traffic jams were and how to get around them. They were all wonderful, and the TV was wonderful, and the coffee was wonderful. Nothing was going to make a dent in my day. If only the TV people could look back at me, flashing a sappy grin at every bit of bad news they threw at me. They'd be nudging each other and saying, "Look, Dick must be in love."

* * * * * *

Gradually we worked out the details of being lovers without tipping off Sam. As long as she was preoccupied with Dave, it wasn't all that hard. Even a few slips that could have been revealing, sailed right over her head.

Tammy and I were getting in deeper and deeper, and we meant so much to each other that the torrid sex that had started it all, seemed to become secondary to our long talks and holding each other close at every opportunity. Three weeks after we started sleeping together she had her period. At first she wanted to sleep alone, feeling that I would be repulsed by this natural phenomenon. I made short work of that misunderstanding, and we simply held each other as before, while my rightful place was taken by a tampon. As we got into our second month together we occasionally spent a night together without sex, and made up for it the next night. As we became more confident in our love, we were less frantic, more like a happily married couple and less like teenage kids sneaking off for a quickie behind the barn.

One night we sat and did the arithmetic exercise that we'd both been avoiding. Tammy was 36 years old. I was 51. That's 15 years difference. Not 20 or 30 or 40, just 15. When she became 50, I would turn 65. That didn't sound very scary. Then we talked about kids. If she had a kid in a year, at age 37, that kid would get out of high school the same year that Tammy would be 55. I would be 70. Those were the facts, arrived at by simple third grade arithmetic. They weren't disastrous and they weren't trivial - just plain, everyday facts. Tammy thought and said, "But I don't think I want to have a kid. If I'd been in a good situation to have kids ten years ago I might have jumped at it, but in my late thirties there's too much risk of something going wrong. Besides, with your vasectomy how could you help me make a baby? I'm sure there are a lot of gee-whiz medical miracles that some doctor could pull off, but they all have risks of their own and besides they'd be awfully expensive. If I really want a kid some time, there are orphans out there waiting to be adopted. But right now, it doesn't seem to be an issue. With that out of the way, there's nothing about our vital statistics that scares me. What about you?"

I was relieved by her words, and I showed it by rambling. "Pretty much the same as you. When I was forced into early retirement I gulped hard, because I'd been working for so long, ever since I started to deliver papers when I was twelve. I didn't know what it would be like, how I'd spend my time, what I'd use as a focal point for my life. I wanted to keep busy with something. Then after I moved to Arizona I got interested in the things that make it so different from any other state I've ever lived in, and somehow I've been busy ever since. But it's a good kind of busy, having things to do because they mean something to me, not because some idiot thinks they need to be done, and done immediately. I don't feel an urge to raise more kids, and I often think how lucky I am not to have a teenager now, with all the chances there are today for kids to go wrong, one way or another. I spend my time doing things that don't relate to any particular age, so I don't go around thinking about being 51, or being sorry that I'm not 31 or 41 instead. Loving you is now the center point of my whole world, and anything related to you is important to me. I couldn't love you any more if you were 20 or 30 or 40 or 50. To me, our relationship seems timeless."

* * * * * *

I started to collect clippings and brochures about places to go and things to see. This is a big state, but the roads are good and almost anything we'd be interested in could be a day or weekend trip, and as the weather was cooling off it seemed like a good time to get out of the house for a change. Tammy had been in the state only a couple of months when we first got together, and I wanted to show her some of the attractions that tourists traveled thousands of miles to see.

No matter how deeply involved Sam was with Dave, she was sure to think something was going on if Tammy and I went off for a weekend at the Grand Canyon or wherever, so it seemed like a good time to sit down with her and have The Talk. One Wednesday evening, after the supper dishes were put away and the kitchen was cleaned up, I opened a bottle of good Chardonnay and invited the girls to sit in the living room and have a glass with me. That much was easy, but merely creating the right setting didn't get the conversation started, and I didn't know exactly how to begin.

"Uh, Sam, there's something I need to explain to you. I've put it off, because I didn't know how you'd feel about it. Ever since Tammy moved out of your little house and into the guest room, she and I have been getting to know each other and we've become friends. Close friends. Very close friends."

Sam's eyes opened wider and she set her wine glass down. "Do you mean, ah, what are you saying? How close?"

"Intimate."

"You mean, sleeping together?" I nodded. "How often?"

"Every night."

"But I never, I mean, how could, no, well, is this serious? Are you a couple?"

"Yes. Two lonely people have found each other and it's been quite wonderful."

"Oh. Well, I hope you'll excuse my surprise. You're both very good people and I'm happy for you. In fact, I congratulate you. But I never guessed. You've been very discreet about it. How long has this been going on? How serious are you about being together? Should I be looking for a bridesmaid gown? Suppose I shut up and let you tell me about it."

I nodded to Tammy, who had been alternately smiling and frowning as the conversation went on, without saying a word. But from here on, this needed to be a girl to girl talk. I sat back and took a sip of wine, as she set down her glass and leaned forward. "Sam, we held off telling you about us to avoid creating a complication in our family life just as you were exploring your relationship with Dave. Both Dick and I love you and want nothing but the best for you, and there was nothing to be gained by trumpeting our good news at such an important moment in your life.

"We got together, sort of blundered together, just after you and Dave started to get serious. Believe what Dick said, we were both lonely, and had been for so long that we didn't even realize how bad it felt. We kept shoving our feelings aside and pretending to ourselves that we didn't need anybody close, but once we came together we could see that we both needed an intimate relationship. And I don't think I'm going too far, since this is a very private conversation, to say that we're both very good in bed with each other. Dick, help me out here. What would you say about that?"

"The phrase 'new heights' comes to mind. Sam, I think that my whole life, up to now, has been just a long preparation for Tammy. We make each other happy and satisfied in every way."

"Every way?"

"Yes, every way that I can imagine." I looked over at Tammy and she smiled as she nodded her agreement.

The conversation cooled down after that, not to mean that there were any hurt feelings, but just that after the 'every way' comment there wasn't an awful lot left to say about Tammy and me. So we went on to small talk.

Tammy threw out the question, "How are things going with you and Dave?"

Sam brightened at the sound of his name. "He's great, and I love him to pieces, but for some reason we seem to have hit a plateau. I was expecting that he'd want to move in with me by now, but he hasn't mentioned it. He likes to go out with the guys a couple of nights a week, not drinking a lot or anything like that, but playing basketball or bowling or something else like that. They're talking about putting a softball team together for the city league, which would mean two or even three games a week, and maybe practice on top of that. Here I just met him, and got to know him, and won him, and now I'm losing him." She started to look as if she'd cry. Sam and Tammy were sitting on the sofa, with a fair space between them. Tammy turned and moved over to put her arms around Sam.

I excused myself to go to the kitchen for a cold beer. This was too much for white wind. When I came back, Tammy and Sam sat back and Sam took a couple of short breaths and then looked over at me. I asked her, "How many guys are we talking about who go out together?"

"Oh, usually five or six."

"Do any of them have wives or girlfriends?"

"Yes. Three are married and I know that one other one besides Dave has a steady girlfriend."

"Have you met any of them?"

"Yeah, Joanne, the girlfriend, and Doris, one of the wives."

"What do they say about the guys' plans?"

"We haven't talked about it. Are you thinking that maybe we should?"

"Look, this is making you unhappy. It's not a problem that you've caused, but you can't do anything to solve it, all by yourself. I think you'd better see how the other girls feel about it, and try to figure out how to deal with it if it seems to be a problem for the others, too. If it should turn out that you're the only one who's getting hurt by it, then it's a problem for you to deal with on your own, and that would probably mean making Dave choose between the guys and you, which is a real ugly situation for all."

"But if they really want to play in the softball league, shouldn't they be allowed to?"

"Are you asking if this is really your fault?"

"Well, no, but actually, oh, I don't know what I mean!"

"Do you know that a lot of teams have the wives come to the games and cheer for their men? I've known some of them who have the wives plan and organize everything, keep the records for them, reschedule games when there's a rainout, all that sort of thing. They bring coolers with canned soda and sandwiches, sometimes a bucket of ice so they can wet a towel and wipe down when they come off the field. The wives and girlfriends are involved with the guys and it gets to be an activity that brings them closer together, not further apart. When their kids get older they know a lot about the game because they've seen it played so many times. These are usually the same parents that get involved in Little League, or PeeWee Football, kids basketball, Youth Soccer and sports like that. Those activities are good for kids and also they pull the parents and kids closer together when they get to be teenagers."

"I never knew anything about that. I wonder if the other girls know about any of it. I'm going to call around."

"I'll let you in on a little secret. Men and women are different. When they can get into any sort of hobby or sport that will involve both of them, it's worth a serious look. There's nothing that comes as close to the caveman tradition of the men hunting and the women tending to their wounds after the hunt, as men playing a strenuous sport and the women cheering them on and handing them cold cans of soda. And then on an off day on a weekend, having a picnic for all the same men and women. It follows the prehistoric gender roles to the letter.

"It may be hard for you to get the feel of what life is like for a man, and it's just as hard for him to know how you feel. It's natural for him and his buddies to do things together. They're doers by nature, and they're evolved from men who hunted in groups. It's just as natural for the wives and girlfriends to get together and do what they do best, which is often comforting their men when their team is off the field, and talking together at other times. So you might want to think about getting the hunter-doers and comforter-talkers organized so everybody has a niche and nobody feels left out."

"I see what you mean. But after a long day at the job, in the shop or in the office or on the road, why don't these guys feel like spending time with their ladies?"

"It's a guy thing. It all comes from the cave dwellers. Their off time was spent together, while their wives were taking care of the kids and cooking the meals. The wives found out they could fix supper better if their husbands weren't right there, getting in their way or worse yet, trying to help. Modern men can't hunt as a team because they all work at different jobs in different places. They get frustrated during the workday, trying to get their jobs done while their managers are only making things worse. So when they get off work, they find it therapeutic to go back to doing some simple but difficult task with others who are on the same team. Once they've tired themselves out, they can relax and relate to their women."

"That all seems to make sense when you say it. I'm going to have to talk with the wives. I think Sarah is the oldest, and has been married the longest. Maybe she can understand this a little better than the rest."

"Good luck."

* * * * * *

Tammy and I retired to the master bedroom, where we could relax together and talk or whatever we felt like. She said right away, "Sounds to me like trouble ahead for Sam and Dave."

"Not if they handle this problem like responsible adults. The trouble is that so far they haven't had a truly adult relationship, and they need to switch to another mode of operation to fix this problem. It isn't even a problem, but it's something that could go either way, tear them apart or pull them together. If they don't handle this well, they'll never be happy in this or any other relationship again. They have to climb over the top of this mountain, and if they don't, they'll never make it over another one in the future.

"But what about us? Don't you want to get together with some of the girls in the office after work sometimes? Don't you want to chatter away with them, hear them tell about their problems, over and over again, until they've convinced themselves that they're right? Won't you want to complain to your friends about how awful I treat you? Won't you want to go out with them and have a few drinks and flirt with guys and laugh as they try to pick you up?"

"Been there, done that, got the T shirt. Remember, I'm older and wiser. Been around the block a few times. Look, I'm an accountant. I work all day at a job that requires a full time adult. I can't flip the switch that easily, go from adult all day to child in the evening, acting like a pubescent girl who wants all the boys to see what beautiful tits I've been growing. I'm simply way past that, and now that I've come to terms with being 36, I want to stay 36 and act 36 and find ways to be a happy 36. The other girls in the office can find their own ways to be happy. I've got mine right here in front of me. Welcome to the world of a 36 year old!"

* * * * * *

About two days after that, Sam called me at lunchtime and asked if we could have Dave as our guest that evening for dinner. I had no problem with the meal - all I had to do was prepare enough food. The problem, I suspected, was what would come after the meal. Dave had been coming around to hang a necktie on the doorknob for quite a while, and never saw fit to be introduced to the family. Now, suddenly, all that was changed. The only thing this could mean was a summit meeting.