Scales like Stars Pt. 06

Trevor coughed. "If this place has multiple portals, you can spare one for us. Right?"

"No," Relix said, her hand closing around Merton's shoulder. Her voice was utterly firm. Merton looked at her. He smiled, his hand going to her hand. He squeezed it.

"Honey," he said. "I'd be happier if my friends could go home. I can always visit them after we kick the bad guy's butt."

Relix blinked. Then she grinned. "Oh, okay, Speccy-"

Speccy's teeth audibly ground.

"Get to work on the portals. Cite one on Earf."

"Earth," Merton whispered.

"No, I believe that it was pronounced Earf." Relix lifted her nose. "Your concubine showed me the proper pronunciation by Earth's mightiest warrior. He was very brave in the historical documentary. By the way, you never said that humanity stopped such a horrid race!" She shuddered.

Merton shot a look at Julia, who gave him two huge thumbs up.

Gunner sighed and stepped up. "Ma'am, before you do anything, I want to do a complete search. Lisa, set up the guard perimeter around this door." He pointed a chitinous finger at Merton. "You? Suit up."

Brash gasped excitedly. "Yes!" He leaped and before Merton could ask for him to not too, Brash had landed on his face like the world's most adorable facehugger. Merton's arms cartwheeled, but it was too late. Brash's body shapeshifted into the skintight power armor that he had been genetically engineered to form. Once he had finished, Merton felt the faint sting of the connections clicking in, and suddenly, he wasn't wearing Brash. He and Brash were one thing, fused together in a level so deep that Merton wasn't sure where one started and the other began. He looked down at his scales and felt a curious thrill.

He was...

"Uh, dude," Carlos said. "Pants."

Merton looked down. Brash's body had covered and subsumed his clothing. End result? Brash was showing off what a draconic schlong looked like. And the raw power that crackled through every single one of Merton's nerves was having its natural effect on his manhood, meaning that he was popping almost eighteen inches of hard, red dick. He coughed and thought: Brash, can we have internal genitalia?

"I'm sorry, I don't understand your request," Brash said in his ears and Merton felt his balls grow slightly. Lisa was covering her eyes with her hand, but Brash helpfully highlighted her hard nipples in Merton's HUD. Julia, meanwhile, had pulled out her cellphone and was tapping the picture button with the regularity of a metronome.

Brash! Merton thought.

"No hablo inglis!" Brash sang.

"Okay, we're searching!" Merton said through Brash - his voice sounding deeper and more masculine than his normal voice did. He strode forward, hoping to find something to punch. He strode up one of the stairs and to one of the doors that looked like thorns and quicksilver and found the door opening for him automatically. Once he was out of earshot of the others, he whispered to Brash. "Seriously, dude. We need to work together."

"Yeah, but sexy stuff is fun," Brash said, cheerfully. "Also, as a dragon prince, you kinda lacked some of the abilities of a dragon...until now." He said those last two words like a movie trailer announcer.

"Like what? I already got the augmented donger," Merton said, pausing to sweep his eyes around another empty room - this one looked like a bedroom.

"Like you can now secrete lust pheremones, add psychotropic precum to your cock, and can flavor your scales to taste like whatever! Chocolate! Butter! Bacon! Oh! Oh! Oh! Can we have some bacon!?" Brash asked. Merton laughed. He couldn't not. It was nearly impossible. He shook his head and then stepped up to the next room. Another bedroom. Whatever this castle had been, it had been prepped to have plenty of people showing up.

"Once we get back to the ship, I will feed you a whole plate. If you give me an internal genitalia."

"Aww..."

And that was when Merton turned around and came to face with a three meter tall, four armed walking blender made of evil, hate and spikes.

***

Lisa and Relix walked together. Technically, Relix was being guarded by Lisa. But Lisa was uncomfortably aware that she was less strong, less tough, less fast and less magical than the princess. The princess who was forcing Lisa's opinion up, despite everything Lisa felt about being torn away from her husband, her cats, her comfortable apartment, her long running Facebook feuds with that neo-nazi, and her planet in general. For one thing, Relix wasn't complaining, even though she was the one carrying the heavy magical machine that was apparently required to begin modifying one of the portals.

The conversation before the two of them had been sent off had been simple.

"We shall begin modifying the nearest portal," Relix had said.

"We haven't secured the castle," Gunner had said. "Your husband is still-"

"The nearest portal is fifteen meters down that corridor. We'll be in line of sight the whole time. And I want...my...husband's friends to get home and safe," Relix had said while patting Lisa's head.

And lo, they had been set off.

"So," Relix said. "Are you going to join Julia in my husband's harem?"

"What? No!" Lisa exclaimed.

"But you're an attractive woman, and he's the head of the household!" Relix said, scoffing.

"I...no!" Lisa shuddered. "Ugh. No. Fuck no. Jesus fucking Christ, absolutely not."

Relix looked bemused. "Then-"

"No," Lisa said, with such finality that it put Relix's feathered crest back against her head. She snorted out twin rings of steam, then thrust her snout into the air.

"Pff!" she said. "As if I wanted to sleep with you anyway."

"Fucking dragons," Lisa muttered. Then she paused. She spun backwards, lifting her rifle - and the flashlight slung underneath it swept across a plain brick wall that had not existed five seconds before. Relix looked back over her shoulder, then snapped out her wings in shock. She spun around, setting the magical machine on the floor. She stepped up to the wall, then put her ear to it. Her eyes narrowed.

"I can't hear them through it," she said.

Lisa lifted her wrist. This part of her suit, she had been told, was the communicator. She tapped at the screen, then said: "Gunny? Gunny, can you hear me?"

The faint buzz of static was all that reached her. Lisa frowned. "Of course..."

Relix punched the wall. Her fist smashed into brick like a cannonball, and smoke filled the corridor, causing Lisa to jerk her hand up to shield her face. A few fragments pattered off the chest piece of her combat armor, falling to the floor with a sound not unlike rain. Coughing, Lisa said: "Did you get through?"

Relix frowned, then jerked on her arm. "I seem to be stuck."

Lisa blinked, then swung her flashlight around to aim it at where the dragon princess had punched the wall. Her fist looked as if it had merged with the brick. Stone and motor pressed up against her wrist and she jerked back, trying to tear her hand free. But either she couldn't get enough leverage, or the brick wall had decided to get its revenge. She gritted her teeth, her wings beating in agitation. "Come on..." She flashed with pale white light, and when the light faded, she had become a tiny kitten. Said kitten had its paw stuck in the wall. She transformed into an earth-worm, and that was half stuck in the wall. She resumed her normal humanoid form, looking a bit worried now.

"What do we do?" Relix asked.

"Shoot the wall?" Lisa suggested.

Relix looked at her. "Like a wall that can withstand my strength is going to be stopped by an anti-personal laser!"

"Uh..." Lisa paused. "We...could...uh..." She looked down at the laser rifle. Then at Relix. She squirmed internally. She hated the monarchy and everything it stood for. But looking at Relix's widening eyes made her stomach flop.

Then a loud roar of gunfire, echoing from elsewhere in the castle, jerked Relix's head up. "That was a spinfusor!" she snarled. "Cut it off! Cut it off!"

"But-"

"Merton is in danger!" Relix snarled. "It'll grow back!"

Lisa nodded, then dialed the laser rifle from pulsed fire to a cutting beam.

"Wait!" Relix said. "Let me...okay. Now."

'What did you do?"

"I removed the bone, most of the nerve cells, and as many blood vessels as I could. No need to actually have it hurt," Relix said, flashing a toothy grin at Lisa. Lisa, despite herself, smiled back. Then she shouldered the rifle. She thought to herself: It's just like cutting a rubber chicken in half with a lightsaber. She still closed her eyes as she swept the beam down in a smooth arc. The smell was intense - a stink of burning lizard - and when she opened her eyes, Relix was pulling her arm free. She flicked her wrist and a new hand grew out of the smoking stump.

"Jesus," Lisa said.

"Oh, that's not regeneration," Relix said, turning and starting down the corridor - leaving the box behind her. "I just shifted the wound somewhere else. Come on!"

"Wait!" Lisa hissed. "Get the box!"

Relix glared at her.

"It's an irreplaceable magical dongle that we're going to need later. We bring the box, and I guard it when you fight-" Another rattling boom echoed out. "-whatever that is."

Relix snapped her teeth, but picked up the box with a grunt. She heaved it onto her shoulder and started to charge forward. Lisa sprinted after her - her heart in her throat. And despite the fact that they were probably going to die horribly, part of Lisa had to admit...

She'd miss this.

But not nearly as much as she missed her cats. And her husband. And her comfortable flat.

***

Merton and Brash stood stock still as they looked at the thing that stood before them. It had two legs and four arms, but other than that, it bore no resemblance what so ever to Speccy. For one thing, its body was made entirely out of midnight black obsidian. It was like someone had taken the jagged rock-flats that surrounded an active volcano and given it malignant life. Jagged blades of paper thin rock made up the shoulders and the elbows and the knees and the chest of the thing. Its eyes swirled with the blue-purple light that Brash's HUD identified as Hawking Radiation. It was standing stock still. Not breathing. Not moving.

"Should we say hi?" Brash whispered to Merton.

Brash, how many weapon systems do you have online?

"All of them! I grew them when I ate all those metal pieces in the engineering bay!" Brash said, cheerfully.

That's where the spare metal went!? Merton asked.

The creature cocked its head. It was a strangely insectoid motion, like the movement of a spider uncoiling a limb. It had the same terrible deliberateness of a spider too. Then, between moments, one of its arms slammed towards Merton's chest. He reacted as he had to the Ouster, bringing up his forearm and the obsidian blade plunged into a glowing green replica of Captain America's shield. Rock and magical energy made a sound like a gong played by a methhead member of a death metal band, and the impact transmitted kinetic energy through Merton that sent him flying backwards. He crashed into the wall, rebounded, then landed on his feet. He skidded as Brash growled.

"Fink!" he said, in the same way most people would say fucker. "He's messing with time!"

The obsidian blender proved this by appearing behind Merton - like a soap bubble popping.

Merton ducked an arm blade and spun around to face the creature.

"Fortunately, I'm as awesome as I am sexy," Brash said. "Hit it!"

The unmistakable record scratch sound, followed by driving bass themes of the song Spybreak by the Propellerheads started to play in Merton's ears.

"Seriously!?" He asked.

"Yeahhhhhhh boooyyy!" Brash whooped as the obsidian blender started to run forward. He was moving incredibly fast - but he wasn't moving 'literally faster than the human brain could comprehend it.' So, Merton lifted his arm, selected 'spinfusor' and watched the knuckles on his right arm unfolded and three disks of glowing, blue-white plasma appeared. He thought of pulling the trigger and the disks fired out in a barrage of flashing death. The obsidian blender unfolded its upper arms, knocking two disks aside, then twisting to evade the third, which struck the wall behind it and exploded.

Then melee combat started.

And it turned out, Brash had been a very well designed dragon.

The monster swung two arms in a downward, chopping motion - with all the grace of an industrial logging machine - and Merton found himself stepping backwards. He willed a sword into his hand, and his magical talent was all to obliging. A sword made of the same green energy as the shield appeared and he swung at the creature's chest. The creature parried with fingerblades, then opened its mouth. It had the same kind of horrible, chomping teeth as the animations from Freddy Frazbears, and used the same relentless desire to chomp on human faces. It stepped forward and crashed into Merton's shield, reaching with three arms to try and sink scalpel fingers into him.

"Fuck off!" Merton snarled, then selected something he had always wondered about.

He felt rather than saw his ankles unfold. A pair of piton guns snapped out of the black scales where his Achillies tendon would be, then fired off a pair of red-tipped darts of silvery metal. The glowing metal sunk into the ground with a pair of hisses, and then auto-screws whirred as the pitons affixed themselves to the floor hard enough that they'd need to be cut free.

Then Brash beat his wings of his own accord and sent Merton sailing down the corridor.

The obsidian blender stepped after them.

And the two spikes went off with the force of two very very very tiny nuclear bombs.

Because that was what they were.

The roar of hot air was like a physical wall, and it sent Brash and Merton tumbling down the corridor, into a wall, through a wall, and finally, through the air. He smashed into the ground on his back and skidded to a stop next to Gunner. Gunner looked down at him.

"So, I take it, the place ain't secure?" he growled.

Merton hopped to his feet, shaking his head as he looked at the smoking hole that he had been flung from. He looked back and saw no Relix. No Lisa. No Julia. His eyes widened. "Where the fuck-"

"Fire in the hole!"

Julia's voice dragged his eyes to a doorway that looked as if it had been replaced with a brick wall. Julia was standing next to it, guarded by one of the armsmen. She had just finished inscribing a rune on the wall - a series of runes actually. Brash's HUD helpfully translated it to: I prepared explosive runes to-

And then Merton flung himself flat to the ground.

The wall exploded inwards with a roar and Julia whooped, thrusting her fist into the air.

Merton saw the Hawking Radiation before anyone else did.

"Julia!" he shouted.

The second - or maybe the first - obsidian blender emerged. It casually swung its arm out.

In Game of Thrones, Julia would have been decapitated.

But Julia had clearly been studying. Because that bladed arm smashed into a magical force field, which shattered into a thousand pieces and sent her tumbling back and away from the obsidian thing. It stepped fully into the room, eyes aglow, arms spread.

Merton then learned that a hellwhip was, literally, a whip made of hellfire and that it felt amazingly satisfying to wrap the roaring lash around that fucker's throat, then swing his arm in a wide arc. The motion translated to dragging the obsidian monstrosity off its feet and smashing it into the wall with an explosion of stone and metal and chips of obsidian.

Julia sat up, looking shocked. "Did you just Ghost Rider whip an off brand Shrike to death!?" She paused. "I almost died, holy shit." Her hand went to her chest, as if she was checking to make sure her heart was still beating.

"Get back here!" Merton shouted.

Because other doors were opening. And he was realizing that that was the second obsidian blender. Because almost three dozen of the things were emerging from every doorway, every shadow, every corner of the room, their eyes swirling with emotionless focus. Their blade fingers snicked to the ready.

Merton gulped.

"Well," Brash said. "Um. Pants to be darkened, I suppose."

***

The castle shook. Shuddered. It pitched and yawned, as if it was a ship under a terrifying storm. Or California during an earthquake. Relix drove forward with remarkable dexterity, her feet skidding only slightly under herself as she kept the box on her shoulder. As she ran, Lisa held out one hand to try and keep herself upright. But it was hard. Every shake and shudder made her legs want to drop out from under her. She gritted her teeth against the faint sea sickness that threatened to overwhelm her.

The two of them came to the end of a corridor - the doorway opened into a circular room that, unlike every other room they had rushed through, was actually bright. This was enough to cause Relix and Lisa to slow down and look around, their eyes wide. The chamber was illuminated by a pool in the center, which frothed and bubbled with pure white energy, the water arcing upwards almost three meters before falling back into the pool. Standing before it, Lisa felt her aches and her pains - most of them the minor aches and pains that anyone who had hit the big three oh got used to feeling - fade away.

"It's...it's some of the plane of positive energy," Relix said.

Lisa was about to respond - but then she saw a rectangle of cardboard flip through the air from behind the frothing fountain. It landed in a rumpled hat that had been set out on the ground.

Another card flew out a second later, landing in the hat again.

A third card followed - this one skittered along the ground.

A female sigh came from behind the fountain. "I'm still absolute trash at this..."

Lisa lifted up her laser rifle, glancing at Relix. She went left. Relix went right. The two of them converged on the far side of the fountain - flanking the woman who sat there. She was...

Human.

A human who had aged and aged and aged some more. She had aged to the point where her age had gone around the other side of age and become a strange, exotic youth. Her hair was pure silver and hung down to her shoulders, while her face was a near uniform brown and the wrinkles were so fine that they became invisible. Her skull pressed to every thin part of skin, giving her the facial features of a cheap alien from one of the shitty episodes of Voyager, while her body was rail thin and clad in only a simple loincloth and breast band. There, the ravages of age were easier to see, writ large on her body and her legs. She showed no shame of her sagging breasts, her strangely folded belly, her pruned thighs.

Instead, she looked at Lisa, then back at Relix, then snorted. "Figures."

"Who...the flying fuck are you?" Lisa asked.

"What she said," Relix said, imperiously.

"Quiet, scaly," the woman said. "The adults are talking."

Relix spluttered like a teapot. Lisa decided that she liked this old lady.

"You can't speak to me like that!" Relix snarled. "I am Princess Relix Castrovel of-"

"Blah blah blah!" The woman said. "Why do you think I trapped your hand. I wanted you out of this conversation, because you'd distract me with irrelevancies. A stolen throne only matters to carrion birds."

Lisa blinked. "You blocked off the passageway?"

The old woman inclined her head, spreading her arms wide. "That's me."