tagNonHumanSex in the Cemetery on Halloween

Sex in the Cemetery on Halloween


This is a Halloween contest story. Please vote.

This Halloween contest story is dedicated to Rita and to all of those who have lost a friend or a relative in a driving while under the influence car accident. May they all rest in peace.


Broke but horny, a man beds a woman in the cemetery on Halloween and makes his best friend jealous.

"What do you wanna do tonight Dave?"

"I dunno," said Larry with shrug and looking over at his friend. "What do you feel like doing?"

"To be honest," said Dave with a yawn. "I'm dead tired, dead tired. I have absolutely no energy," he said yawning again. "I feel like the walking dead," said Dave. "I don't feel like doin' anything today, absolutely nothin'."

"Me too. I need a shot of adrenaline," said Larry yawning too. "For some reason, I'm always dead tired too but it's Halloween," said Larry. "If only in spirit, we should do somethin'. If nothing else, we should go scare the shit out of someone."

"I wish I had a little something, a drink, to get me goin'," said Dave.

"Try some of this," said Larry pulling out a pint bottle of bourbon from his jacket.

Passing the bottle back and forth, both men took big guzzles.

"Yeah, that would be fun to scare someone half to death and I would scare someone to death if I wasn't so dead tired," said Dave looking at his friend while yawning again and causing Larry to yawn too. "I didn't get to bed until after midnight," he said bellowing out a big yawn. "I stayed up to watch the Red Sox play the Tigers."

"Too late for me. I couldn't stay up for that. I need my beauty rest. See? Don't I look beautiful," said Larry turning from side to side with a laugh. "So, where'd you really go last night Dave? I was looking for you," said Larry pocketing his bottle of booze.

"Go? Last night? I told you, I was watching the game," he said.

"Bullshit. I went by your house and you weren't there," said Larry.

"Yeah, well, sometimes watching baseball, even the Red Sox, especially the Red Sox is like watching paint drying. I got tired of watching the game, bored actually when they were losing, so I went out," said Dave.

"Out where? Where'd you go?"

"Out, just out," said Dave with a shrug. "I went for a walk."

"Get outta here. You never go out for a walk," said Larry. "You're hiding something. C'mon fess up Dave. Where'd you go? What did you do?"

"I, um, had a date," said Dave sheepishly.

"A date? No way," said Larry. "You had a date? Get outta here. Who in the Hell would date your bony ass?" Larry looked at his friend. "With who?"

"Rita," said Dave quietly.

"Rita! Eat her, bone her Rita? Rita's here? No frigging way. I've been trying to bone her for years," said Larry.

"Don't call her that," said Dave. "She doesn't like that name and it's offensive to me too."

"Oh, so you take her out on one date and what are you boyfriend and girlfriend now?"

"We may be," said Dave with an excited grin.

"Where'd you take her?" Larry looked at his friend as if expecting Dave to tell him all of the intimate details of his date. "Where'd you go? What did you do? Did you get lucky?"

"Take her? Nowhere. I didn't take her anywhere," said Dave ignoring the other questions of Larry's interrogation. "I don't have any money, you know that. After you totaled my car, I don't even have a car."

"There's lots of places you can take a woman, even if you don't have any money or a car," said Larry.

"Oh, yeah?" Making a face, Dave looked at his friend with doubt that he could take a woman anywhere without having money and/or a car. "Where?"

"Where? Lots of places," said Larry. "You could have snuck in the cinema, walked right by security at a rock concert, or gone through a turnstile at a ballgame without anyone seeing you," said Larry. "That's what I usually do when I have a date and don't have any money."

"When's the last time you had a date?" Dave rolled his eyes.

"Okay, so it's been a while, months actually since I had a date," said Larry.

"Months?" Dave raised his eyebrows, made a skeptical face, and laughed.

"Okay, you're right, I haven't had a date in years but I haven't found the right woman," said Larry stuffing his hands deep in his pockets with sadness. "I don't just date anyone. I'm particular who I date."

Knowing how hard it is being alone and living alone without having a woman in his life, Dave looked at his friend with understanding.

"I could ask Rita. She may have a friend or know someone who's looking for a boyfriend," said Dave. "You're a great guy Larry, sometimes," said Dave with a laugh. "Most any woman, some woman, perhaps there's one woman who would want you," he said laughing again.

Both men remained quiet until Larry spoke again.

* * * * *

"I would have liked to have dated Rita," confessed Larry. "I didn't know she was still around. I figured when we left that she was gone for good. I didn't know she was here with us too. I've had the hots for her for years, ever since high school," said Larry falling quiet again.

"I know that Larry and I'm sorry to have dated her after knowing how you felt about her," said Dave.

"That's not right Dave. That's not fair," said Larry kicking up dirt and not making eye contact with his friend.

"I remember you talking about her all the time then. Yet, when I saw her again, love at first sight, it was like seeing her for the first time. You know?" Dave looked at his friend to see if he was understanding or still angry.

"Love at first sight?" Larry made a sour face at his friend. "Seriously Dave or was it more like any port in a storm will do?"

"Nah, it wasn't like that Larry," she Dave looking at his best friend for some shred of understanding. "When I saw her was as if seeing a familiar face in the crowd. And she was so excited to see me too, you know. Right then and right there, we bonded as if were lost lovers."

"Lost lovers my ass," said Larry. "I'm the one who loved her and not you."

"Yeah, well, you never did anything about that Larry," said Dave, "now did you?"

"I didn't have the chance to tell her how I felt about her after what happened," said Larry.

"I know but what happened was more your fault, then it was mine," said Dave.

"I know and you're right," said Larry. "It's okay. Really. I'm good with you dating Rita. So, finish telling me what happened."

"As if she was a frightened little girl, instead of a 19-year-old woman, lost in a crowd, she took my hand, held it, and wouldn't let go of it," said Dave.

"There aren't very many available, young women around to date. All the women that I know are old, wicked old. All the women that I meet are my mother's age, my grandmother's age, or older. Sometimes surrounded by old people, inundated with baby boomers, I feel as if I'm a resident in a nursing home. Do you know what I mean?"

"Yeah," said Dave. "I sure do. I know exactly what you mean. A chance in a billion, it was a fluke that I bumped into Rita. I figured I'd never see her again."

"So with all the places that you could have taken her for no money and even without having a car, why didn't you take her somewhere nice?" Larry looked at his friend with jealousy.

"I dunno, old habits die hard," said Dave. "You're different from me. I can't do anything illegal like sneaking in a cinema, a rock concert, or a ballgame. Besides, what would Rita have thought of me if I did something like that?" He looked at his friend as if insinuating that he was all of what he was about to say.

"She'd think that you were showing her a good time," said Larry.

"No she wouldn't. She'd think me a cheap ass loser sneaking my date in a movie, a concert, or a ballgame. Next, you'll be suggesting that I steal food from the buffet."

"Let me tell you something Dave. There's nothing wrong with stealing food from the Hungry Man Buffet. They have plenty of food to go around. I've don't it before, not so much now. I haven't had much of an appetite lately," he said feeling his bony arms and legs.

"Gees, Larry, if you're going to steal food, at least steal food from a better class of restaurant instead of the Hungry Man Buffet," said Dave laughing. "That food sucks."

"Yeah, well, considering the circumstances of our dire financial situations with no jobs, no money, and no future actually, I'm sure Rita would have understood," said Larry looking at his friend with curiosity before speaking. "So where did you take her?"

As if he was ashamed where he took his date, Dave looked at his friend with embarrassment before confessing the location of his date.

"Where else would I take her? I took her to the only place I know to take a woman," said Dave with a shrug.

"Okay, I'll bite," said Larry laughing. "And where might the only place that you know to take a woman be?"

"I took her to the cemetery, of course," said Dave.

"The cemetery? You took Rita to the cemetery? Are you nuts? No way. Get outta here," said Larry laughing.

"I like the cemetery. It's quiet and I can think," said Dave. "I dunno, the cemetery feels like home to me, you know."

"Spooky, especially on Halloween eve," he said with a laugh. "Why would you take that beautiful woman to the cemetery? If I was dating her, I would have given her a night on the town." Larry looked at his friend, perhaps to see if Dave was pulling his leg but he wasn't. "You must have crept her out taking her to the cemetery."

"Think about it Larry. Why else would I take Rita to the cemetery?"

"Why? Knowing the suicidal maniac that she is and knowing how she feels about the dead and dying, I have no idea why you'd take Rita to the cemetery."

"Duh? I took her to the cemetery to bone her," said Dave with a laugh.

"Seriously? You expect me to believe that you took Rita to the cemetery to bone her. No way," said Larry. "You're kidding. Right? Did you really bone her?"

"I did. I did indeed bone Rita in the Cemetery," said Dave. "And I'll tell you something too. She was the best lay that I've had in a long time."

"Wow! You lucky bastard. Creepy albeit appropriate, a date with Rita on Halloween Eve in the cemetery," said Larry staring at his friend while obviously waiting for him to come clean with the sexual details. "So?"

"So what?"

"So don't shit me Dave. Be honest and tell me the truth. Did you really bone her?" Larry looked at his friend with apparent hopefulness that he'd share the intimate details of their sexual liaison. "C'mon, you can tell me," said Larry. "We're best friends? I won't tell anyone. Besides, who am I going to tell?"

"Out of respect for Rita, I don't kiss and tell Larry," said Dave, "but I'll tell you this much, yes, I did bone Rita."

"Damn. You boned eat her, bone her Rita, you lucky son-on-of-a bitch, dirty bastard," said Larry. "God, how I envy you."

"Don't call her that Larry. I mean it. She hates that name and I hate that name too. It's so disrespectful," said Dave.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry Dave but you must admit that she's so hot that everyone who sees Rita wants to eat her before sticking their bone in her," said Larry falling pensive. "Forgive me for saying this being that you're involved with her now, but I always wanted to bone her. She has a nice figure."

"Figure?" Dave laughed. "What figure? She doesn't have much of a figure since she lost all of that weight. Now she's a board, straight up and down. Yeah, definitely, she's all bones now," said Dave laughing. "Besides she's not your type."

"Not my type? Why not?" Larry shot his friend a look. "Why do you say she's not my type? Definitely she's my type. I'd bone her if I could. Definitely, I'd love to stick my bone in her."

Larry looked at his friend while shaking his head.

"She's shy. She's quiet. She's reserved and very moody. She doesn't talk very much," said Dave. "You'd have nothing in common with her."

"Why do you say that? I bet we'd have a lot in common. We come from the same neighborhood and know the same people," said Larry. "Especially with you already boning her and me wanting to bone her too, we have a lot in common," said Larry with a dirty laugh.

"She's a complicated woman and you'd never understand all that she's gone through," said Dave.

"Are you calling me stupid Larry? You better not be calling me dumb," said Larry.

"No, I'm not calling you stupid or dumb, just insensitive. Being that she's so hurt and vulnerability, you're not the right man for her is all that I'm saying," said Dave.

"I still don't understand you taking her to the cemetery for your date. What are you a funeral director, a mortician, a forensic pathologist, or a grave digger?" Larry laughed his usual annoying laugh.

"Unlike you who's afraid of his own shadow, she likes the cemetery and we go there a lot for long walks while paying our respects to the dead and while reading all the tombstones. Something that I would have never thought of doing before, the cemetery is a fascinating place. There's some very interesting people buried there," said Dave. "Sometimes the best times that I have with her is just sitting there holding her hand with my arm around her while staring at all the tombstones. The cemetery is peacefully quiet," said Dave.

"You're both creepy weird to like the cemetery," said Larry looking at his friend with confusion. "You're right, the cemetery does give me the creeps. Yet, you're wrong too. She sounds like my type of woman. Don't talk Honey, just suck," said Larry laughing while holding his hands in his lap as if he was holding a woman's head in place while she sucked him.

"You're such an asshole Larry," said Dave.

"Gees, Dave, don't be so sensitive. I was only kidding. Okay? I apologize for saying that about Rita," said Larry.

"If you ask me, I think Rita's depressed. Yeah, she's wicked depressed. She's tried to commit suicide several times before, you know," said Dave looking at his friend. "Aside from the obvious, there's something in her past that's not right. I don't know this for a fact, as she's hasn't confided in me about that, but I think she was sexually abused by her father when she started college and moved in with him to save some money for her tuition."

"I didn't know that," said Larry. "I'm sorry to hear about that."

"You know her and you know the type of woman that she is. She's someone who'd never rest in peace. Because of all that she's suffered and endured, she's someone who I treat with kindness and respect. If ever she agrees to be my steady girlfriend, I'd treat her right by not cheating on her because I wouldn't want her haunting my ass," said Dave with a laugh.

"So you think that her father had sex with her? Is that why she tried committing suicide so many times before? Wow, that sucks," said Larry looking at his friend.

"Well, if you ask me, she's had all kinds of psychological problems growing up with her incestuously perverted father, especially after her mom died and when she moved back home to live with him."

"Psychological problems? Now you're talkin' my language," said Larry rubbing his hands together as if he was a fly about to land on a lump of excrement. "What kind of psychological problems? Maybe nymphomania was one of her psychological problems. What do you think? I'd love to meet a nympho," said Larry. "Maybe the two of us can gangbang her. What do you think Dave? Do you think she'd be up for a little group sex? I can get Ritchie to make a real party of—"

"You're such an asshole Larry," said Dave. "You really are? How old are you? Grow up. Having never matured past 19-years-old, you still act as if you're a teenager. You don't act like any forty-year-old man that I know."

"Yeah, well, whatever. In a lot of ways I still feel as if I am a teenager. I don't feel forty. Do I look forty to you?" Larry looked at his friend.

"No actually, you haven't aged a day. You look the same," said Dave.

"So now that you told me more about Rita, she sounds like my type of women," said Larry with a laugh. "The women with the most emotional issues are always the best ones in bed." Larry looked at his friend. "I just might steal her away from you buddy."

"Go ahead. You so much as go near her and I'll kill you," said Dave.

* * * * *

They both looked at one another and laughed.

"Now that's funny. You, my best friend, killing me," said Larry. "That's a good one. See? I knew the old Dave was still in there somewhere. I'm so glad you removed the stick that was up your ass long enough to make me laugh."

"You're incorrigible Larry. You always think the worst of everyone, especially women," said Dave. "Everything with you is sex, sex, and more sex. You need to get laid my friend," said Dave.

"Maybe if you fixed me up with Rita and she willingly allows me to bone—"

"Fat chance Larry. Fat chance," said Dave.

"Actually, I don't think the worst about everyone. Admittedly I do about think the worst about most people," he said with a laugh. "Okay, I do think about sex, sex, and sex all the time," said Larry. "Yet, I've always thought well of Rita. I always liked, really liked her," he said staring at his friend while humping the air with his hips before fingering his boner. "So? Are you going to tell me?"

"Tell you what?"

"How was she in the boneyard?"

"I'm not telling you that. That's none of your business Larry, especially with you touching yourself in that disgusting way," said Dave watching his friend fingering his boner.

"You're not telling me because you didn't even get to first base," said Larry. "Is that it? Did you at least feel her tits?"

"Tits? What tits? Rita has no tits. She's flat as a board," said Dave. "You know that."

"Did she blow you?" Larry elbowed his friend in the ribs. "C'mon Dave, tell me. Did she suck you?"

"Okay, yeah, she did," said Dave. "She sucked me."

"Oh my God, no way. I knew it. I just knew when you told me that you took Rita to the cemetery that she sucked you. There's just something so romantic about that place," said Larry with a laugh. "I still can't believe you took her to the cemetery of all places to bone her."

"Actually with all the peaceful quiet and the big full moon overhead, conducive to having sex in public and yet in private, the cemetery is a very romantic place," said Dave nodding his head.

"I swear to God. I'd do anything for a blowjob from Rita, even if I had to take her to the cemetery to get one," said Larry grabbing at himself in the way that Michael Jackson used to do. "So how was it?"

"How was what?" Dave looked at his friend with confusion.

"The blowjob Dave, the suck job. How was the blowjob?" Ready for him to tell him all of the details, Larry looked at his friend with sexually excited anticipation.

"Oh that. Well, it was just okay," said Larry. "Actually it wasn't so great. I've had better blowjobs before. Maybe her reluctance to suck me had something to do with her giving oral sex to her father. I dunno. It's all just supposition on my part."

"Oh," said Larry. "Sorry about that. Yeah, being forced to suck her Dad would definitely turn her off to giving someone else head," said Larry falling quiet again. "At least tell me this."

"Tell you what?"

"Did she swallow?"

"Gees, Larry, you're unbelievable," said Dave.

"C'mon, Dave. Give me something to masturbate over later," said Larry. "Did she swallow?"

"Maybe I don't want you masturbating over Rita in that way," said Dave.

"Dave, c'mon, be a buddy. I have nothing and you have Rita. Give me something to sooth the savage, horny beast that resides deep within me," said Larry laughing.

"Yeah, she swallowed but not really. She tried swallowing but it just dribbled right out of her," said Dave.

* * * * *

Dave and Larry walked around the neighborhood looking for something to do on Halloween night. Everyone seemed to be having Halloween parties but they weren't invited. Not very popular after their car accident, a real nuisance, no one wanted them around anymore, not even their own families, especially their own families. It was if that one accident separated and angered the entire neighborhood. Seemingly in the way that people screamed at them whenever they arrived at a party uninvited, with Dave and Larry both hating rejection, they stopped hanging out with their old friends and even visiting their own families.

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