tagHumor & SatireSexual Magic

Sexual Magic


In the life of every married couple comes the time when sexuality has the taint of over-familiarity, which is commonly relieved by the exploration of other options, such as different partners, rubbery appliances, Tupperware, role play and technical supplements of various types, or a combination of all these. We will not claim that our marriage has been an exception to those common experimental phases, but will refrain from recounting any such instances, as in my experience they only serve as a temporary measure and complicate things thereafter.

Suffice it to say that neither my wife Dawn nor I were overly satisfied after the fifteenth year of our marriage, when the death of her great grandaunt Samantha, who had been rumoured to be a witch, left us with her estate and some entirely unexpected options.

The attic of her dingy and highly claustrophobic house turned out to be the confirmation of all the stories we had heard about her, as it was stuffed with vials and flasks of strange liquids, powdery substances and other magical paraphernalia, as well as spell books that looked ancient.

Amongst those books, we found a volume that immediately piqued our curiosity, entitled "Sexual Magic". Studying it at length, identifying and translating the sometimes cryptic references to plants and animal ingredients appeared to be the logical and not altogether unwelcome appreciation of that unexpected heirloom.

In the following we will recount the recipes we have tried out thus far and leave it up to you whether you endeavour to follow our example or not.

Warning: The authors wish to impress that all following recipes carry a certain amount of risk to your health and that of your partners. You may try these at your own risk and responsibility.


Double your prowess

This is a recipe that was marked as for males only.

2 grams of elk testicle, dried (preferably from the right one), 2 spoonful of nutmeg, 3 mandrake roots, medium roasted, approx one teaspoon of semen (preferably human), 12 male pubic hairs, 2 hard-boiled eggs (chicken or duck), 1 gram of dried skins of fly agaric (Amnita muscaria), three drops of shepherd's tears, 350 grams of prime rib steak.

Crush the mandrake roots, mix it with the elk testicle and nutmeg and add half a pint of water. Let it boil; then simmer for approximately fifteen minutes. Add the fly agaric and take the pot off the flame, let it cool down for about an hour. Then add the semen (the fresher the better), the meat and the eggs to the pot (a clay pot is recommended) and put it in the oven at a temperature of 150 degrees Celsius for twenty minutes. Undress and light a candle. Take the pot out of the oven, place it in front of you and avoid touching it with your bare skin. Burn the pubic hairs one by one in the candle flame whilst reciting:

"Arg okan sinu, diple di duple tic to dic, ansi nok dan vi ran."

If you feel more comfortable with that, you may indeed chant it, but under no circumstances with a falsetto voice. After you have burned all pubic hairs (only the ones for the recipe, not yours), lift the lid and add the shepherd's tears. It is advisable to do this with an outstretched arm, as the ensuing gaseous emanation might singe your skin off. Devour the stew as quickly as you can.

The effect:

Dawn had been as curious as me as to the effects of this particular recipe, which might partly have been due to me working very late hours at the office lately and falling asleep instantly after our Tuesday only and only once entertainment. After about fifteen minutes I noticed that sitting became oddly uncomfortable, there was a tugging sensation at my rear and upon standing up and asking Dawn to inspect the area in question she discovered that my buttocks had disappeared and that I had grown another cock and ball sack at their former location.

Admittedly, this was not quite what we had expected nor hoped for, but curiosity took the better of us and Dawn intensified her inspection orally to see if it was equipment one could work with. That was the case, as she sucked and licked my newest bodily extension into full shape, which triggered a corresponding hard-on on the other side. A comparison revealed that the new cock was an exact replica of the former, as were the new balls also.

The benefits:

Our experiments revealed that you can actually come with one of either of your dicks, while the other stays hard and ready for action. The downside is that is very awkward, to say the least, to fuck with your rear and quite distracting for your partner also. However, beneficial certainly is your ability to fuck two women (and/or men if you are so inclined) at the same time, as we established with our next door neighbour Patricia after her screaming fit subsided. Theoretically it is possible to come with both dicks at the same time, but I have yet to achieve the mastery over this particular feat. The effects of the potion last for up to six hours.

The downsides and side-effects:

You may have trouble finding suitable attire if wish to sport your new bodily extension to some sort of social gathering. An additional effect is that you feel constipated for up to four days after that and will feel aroused in the presence of steak and boiled eggs ever after.


Happy Puss

This is a recipe for females only.

five left eyes of virgin female frogs, half a gram of leg hair of a grammastola rosea, three drops of blood of a 99 year old woman, drawn by the sting of a rose thorn at midnight under a full moon, two spoonfuls of ground roasted cockroaches, half a cup of your own saliva, half a litre of milk, one banana, some cocoa powder, a freshly woven spider web with three raindrops in it, a small mirror.

Cut the frogeyes into quarters, and then mix them into the saliva. Heat both on the stove, slowly adding first the spider hair and then the blood. When the result turns a nicely brown colour, take it off the stove, let it cool down, and then add the cockroach powder. Put in a blender, add milk, banana and cocoa powder, and mix it all. You can also leave out these last three things, but I advise against it, as they considerably improve the taste of the potion.

With the freshly prepared potion, sit down and lie the mirror down on the ground. Attach the spider web somewhere above the mirror, not more than twenty but not less than ten centimetres away from it. Drink the potion as quickly as you can, then recite the following incantation:

"Care core le, pisi ca pisi ca pisi se."

Then carefully touch the spider web with the tip of your index finger, so that you will cause one of the raindrops to fall down onto the mirror. Repeat the incantation, and then do the same again, so the second raindrop will fall down. Chant or recite the incantation again, then let the third raindrop fall.

After that, all you need to do is wait, the effect of the potion and the spell should become noticeable in a few minutes. It is advised to undress before the ritual.

The effect:

I had been curious about this spell for a long time, but since Keith usually was the one to ensure the happiness of my pussy, he wasn't too interested in me trying it out. But when he had an important business meeting one evening, I decided the time had come to try it out, expecting an enjoyable evening despite his absence. He told me he was going to join his colleagues for some beers after the meeting, thus giving me the time to enjoy the effects of the spell.

After preparing the potion and performing the spell, nothing happened at first. After a while I felt a weird tingling sensation all over my body, but nothing that would have been particular to my pussy, or would have felt like sexual arousal. I did, however, suddenly notice something move in the corner of the room, and felt my whole body go tense. I really, really wanted to see what it was, and slowly started moving into that direction, without making any sound. It was a big moth, which must have flown in earlier, when I had opened the window to let some fresh air in. Without realizing it really, I suddenly was up in the air, jumping toward the insect, reaching out with my paws, trying to catch it.

Paws? Did I say paws? I only noticed at this moment, that instead of hands I had paws covered in smooth black fur. My legs were covered with fur too, and looking around I realized I had a tail. That had to be inspected more closely. After all, it was twitching around in such an interesting way. I jumped, trying to catch my tail. But the damn thing moved along with the rest of my body, of course, escaping my grip. I tried again, and this time managed to touch the very tip for a second -- this surprised me so much, that in a fast gallop I fled to the other end of the room, knocking over the big vase with dried flowers on my way. The loud shattering sound made me try to climb up the curtains covering the window, but I was much too heavy for them, and they fell down, covering and entangling me. When I had managed to free myself, I discovered the moth again, this time flying right towards the small lamp on Keith's desk that I had left on to give the room a dim lighting while I was performing the spell. I continued my hunt ...

When Keith came home, the first thing he found was a huge mess in the living room. The sofa exhibited scratch marks of a rather large animal. Glasses and cups from the cupboards had fallen down and lay smashed on the floor. A bowl with walnuts had also fallen down from the table, and the nuts had been distributed all over the floor. From one corner of the room, he told me later, he could hear a loud sound, reminding him a bit of a motor. There, next to our open fire place, on the most comfortable armchair, sat I, tired of my (successful) hunt of the moth, rolled into a comfortable position and purring happily.

The benefits:

Somehow everything seems more comfortable from the eyes of a cat. Lying on my armchair, watching life bustle by, cuddling up to Keith on the sofa ... I just stopped worrying about all the things I should do or have to do. And fortunately, Keith likes cats and says it was quite comfortable for him too, to cuddle with a human-sized cat. When he started petting me and scratching me behind my ears, I also grew quite horny, but as long as I still looked like a cat he was unwilling to indulge in any sexual activities -- once I started partly transforming back into a human though (especially when I lost the fur in some of the places he likes to put in contact with the mouth), we also had a chance to find out how much more flexible my cat-like body was. Further, Keith said, that he found my happy purring once all my desires were fully satisfied very endearing.

The fact that I saw absolutely no reason to clean up the mess I had created, or even just to get up to get my own food when I got hungry might seem as a disadvantage to Keith. I, however, thought it a very important experience to learn to think more of myself, and let him do these things. That's what your humans ... I mean, your husband is for, right? And by now he is well-trained: A few meows, a reminder that I still have some leftover ingredients to make a new potion for myself, and there he runs to get me my chocolate or juice, or whatever I desire ...

The downsides and side-effects:

Cats are playful animals. When they feel like catching something moving through the room, they tend to not care too much what they knock over on their way. Now, imagine a cat the size of the human, and you might have an idea of the destruction it could cause. Up to this day I feel a certain urge to hiss at anyone who scares me or makes me angry. A slightly embarrassing effect was that I coughed up fur balls for several days after performing the spell, often at work. And even worse was the fact that on the first day after my evening as a cat I just couldn't help jumping after a fly that had landed just on my boss's ear. I also still need slightly longer than usual to pass through town, because several of the pet stores have rats or hamsters or white mice on display in their windows.


Cock of the wood

This recipe was also marked for males only.

3 feathers of the Tetrao urogallus (capercalzie), 30 grams of sandalwood, 1 teaspoon of Spanish fly (Lytta vesicatoria), 1 woodpecker egg stolen during full moon, one quarter pint of tomcat piss, 10 drops of wormwood oil, 2 spoons of clarified butter.

Heat the butter on a small flame, then add the egg and stir until it is gooey, add the Spanish fly, stir violently until it is well blended, then take it off the flame. Crush the sandalwood and dissolve it in the tomcat piss on a small flame. Add the wormwood oil and try not to inhale (vomit spoils the paste). Add the first paste spoon by spoon and bring to the boil. Simmer until it becomes a paste. Let it cool off a little (a little means until it is not scaldingly hot) and then rapidly apply it on your dick (that's why). Light a candle and place two feathers before you, the third one you have to shove up your arse. Burn the other two whilst reciting:

"Ooka loo, aka doo, soko dita dic, haka wooda pric coroo."

You might wish to avoid concomitant squealing from the burning sensation on your penis, as the pronunciation is crucial in this instance.

The effects:

The erection already started during the application of the paste and lasted altogether fifteen hours without abatement. Dawn was sore after four hours and throughout the entire time following I did not manage to come, neither from fucking, nor oral stimulation, nor hands-on experience. The feather in my arsehole multiplied, and I had a fairly impressive display of pinions as I was told. I also felt compelled to strut around Dawn in small concentric circles, as I intuited that this was the logical foreplay, but Dawn failed to see the appeal. She was also not entirely taken by my attempt to mark my territory by pissing in all corners of the room, which was quite a feat due to the unfamiliar angle nevertheless.

The benefits:

The benefits are mainly for your partner, so it might be a nice present for her birthday or mother's day. For the man it is a little frustrating not to be able to come, but tickling your partner with your pinions triggers interesting physical sensations for both as well. You could satisfy multiple partners or star in a series of blue movies for ornithologists.

The downsides and side-effects:

For at least four days, I found feathers in my stool. You may experience headaches, nausea, and an incontrollable nesting instinct for another two days. Your partner might never again be satisfied with a run-of-the-mill erection. Stealing woodpecker eggs at night can also prove hazardous, as well as the attempt to induce a neighbour's cat to piss in a cup for you. It is highly recommended to avoid any business meetings, oratory engagements, hikes and tight trousers for the duration of the effect.


Two is twice as nice

This recipe was marked for both genders.

two perfectly equal leafs from a chestnut tree, a feather from each of two young roosters that were hatched on the same day, with the same mother, two equally black kittens (alive, male if the spell is performed on a man, female if it is performed on a woman, be careful not to confuse this, or you might never be the same again), two piles of sand from the same beach, each weighing one gram, and each containing exactly the same amount of sand corns, two peas, water, and one grain of sea salt.

Burn the feathers, and mix the ash of each of them with one of the sand piles. Bury a pea in their midst, and then wrap each of them in one of the leaves. Heat the water, put it in a soup bowl, and drop the two leaf-packages in there. Let them soak for a while, so the water takes their flavour. Pick up the kittens, and let each of them meow once over the water. Fish out the leaf-packages, (you should later bury them in the garden, because if the cats end up playing with them they would distribute sand and ash all over your house), and drink the water as fast as you can. It isn't necessary to say any spell.

The effect:

Both of us like threesomes, both with other men or with other women. From the title of this spell, we deduced that another man or woman would be created, so we hoped for a threesome without any future complications (like our neighbour Samantha, who keeps suggesting to repeat the Double your Prowess spell, and who I suspect keeps trying to catch Keith by himself when I am not home. I trust him, but I still would prefer not to have to deal with this kind of side effect.

Both of us would have liked the other to try out the recipe, which led to quite a few arguments. In the end, Keith talked me into being the first one to try it -- with many promises, and pointing out that he had so far done more magic for my sexual enjoyment than the other way around. So one sunny Saturday morning, we had all the ingredients together, and tried out the recipe. It was a bit difficult to get the cats to meow on command, basically we had to hold them in the air, over the water, until they got annoyed and wanted to be let back down to the ground, and thus meowed in complaint. After that we let them go, and they conquered our house within minutes, and declared it their new home.

After drinking the water, I felt a strong stomach ache, which at first I put down to having drunken too quickly. But the ache got stronger and stronger, until it felt like it was tearing me apart. In the end, I think I blacked out. When I opened my eyes again, and sat up, I saw Keith staring at me in disbelief. And I found myself staring at me in disbelief.

Twice. Once, I was sitting on the left side, and seeing myself sitting to the right of myself, and once I was sitting on the right side, and saw myself sitting to the left of myself. I saw both things simultaneously, and somehow my brain (or my brains?) managed to keep both images separate, though it felt a bit like I was cross eyed ...

After a minute or two of staring in disbelief and in absolute silence, a big grin suddenly lightened up Keith's face. "Not exactly what I expected," he said, "but nice ... Come on then, you ... two, let's go to the bedroom ..."

The benefits:

At first I, or we, as you might put it, were put off by the idea of a threesome with both of us, or me, in it. Sex with myself? But Keith managed to convince us, that this wouldn't be much different from masturbation, something I happily indulge in when he isn't home, and also sometimes when he is present and wants to watch. And I was very happy he had talked me into giving it a try -- during the hours that followed, I soon enjoyed most those times when Keith was exhausted and needed to rest a bit, and his demands for both of my attentions decreased, so I could concentrate on myself. Let's face it, I know best what turns me on, and for example going down on myself gives the idea of a 69 a whole new perspective.

Also, the spell lasts three days, and since we had had sex all weekend, I was happy to only have one of myself go to work on Monday, while the other one stayed at home and slept. The relaxing effect of that sleep was strong enough for both of me.

Also, I always wanted a cat, and now through that spell we had bought two very cute kittens, and once they were in our house there was no way of giving them away again.

The downsides and side-effects:

Keith wasn't as happy with the effect of the spell as he had hoped. Expecting two of me to give him twice the attention, he found I was more interested in experimenting a bit with myself, and felt left out. Also, not only the things he likes about me doubled, but also those he likes less. He had to listen to twice the amount of talking, I was telling him twice as much what he should do different or better, I even had twice the memory of when and how he wronged me in the past. It is definitely not a good idea to get into an argument when there are two of me.

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