Shattered Diamonds

While Drew is outside, I quickly strip and follow his routine. It still feels strange to me to be in such a public place doing this -- but he's right, it does feel good to get cleaned up a bit. I'm just rinsing off when he comes back in.

"All clear outside -- looks like we have the place... to ourselves..."

I'm totally open and exposed and he is boldly checking me out. That's when my fucking cock wakes up and starts filling out. I glance up and see his eyes focused down there -- we make eye contact and he winks at me.

"You finish up and I'll meet you back at the truck."

When Drew leaves, I relax and softly play with my firm cock. I know he knows, and since he knows why not embrace it? I've sucked more than one cock... but never anything more. What if he wants more? I shake my head to clear it, hurry though finishing up and head back to the truck -- and our bed for the night. On the way back, I realize that he was right -- the air is already much cooler than when we first stopped.

*****

Once we settle into our shared bed, it's nice to be in the dark. No more eyes and no more knowing looks. But in place of those things, there is a warm body very close to mine. I concentrate on just relaxing and pretty soon begin to actually relax. I move a bit away from the edge, more to the middle where it's more comfortable. I decided to wear my underwear, and wonder if Drew is sticking with is nude sleeping routine. As I lay there, I wonder if he's still awake. But only for a brief moment -- and until I feel the bed shift as he moves closer to me. When his arm wraps over my chest, I don't resist the gentle pull as we get closer... I think deep down I somehow knew this would happen and I surrender to it. Instantly the warmth of his body against mine is like a stiff drink -- his warmth stills me into a relaxing embrace. I fully let go of my stupid hesitation and press my butt against his hard warmth.

This one is still unsure, but his butt pushed into me is a pretty clear signal that he's ready to relax. I whisper,"You don't have to do anything Juan. Just let yourself be true to you. You don't have to be ashamed of your desires -- it's just me and you in this bed. All you have to do is say, no. You say no, and we just go to sleep, okay?"

With my back still snuggled into him, I softly tell him, "Thank you Drew. Too many people have said too many words and have filled my head with such conflict. My parents talk of what the Church teaches -- the woman I was engaged to dropped me like a hot potato when I told her I had some queer experiences before we met. Same thing, her church and what they taught her about non-heterosexual people. She kinda went nuts on me -- she said I had to see a psychiatrist who deprograms queers or it was over. Deep down I know it's all bullshit. I haven't done my master's degree yet, but I've had enough college education to understand human sexuality -- why won't they just believe the science?"

I pull him tighter against me, "Shush, you can't fight the world. You just have to be kind and understand that those who love you... your parents only want the best for you. They believe you are wrong with all the goodness of their hearts -- you know, they are just wrong. You can't change what they believe -- well, maybe it's unlikely you will change their beliefs. Try to keep the bridge open though. But I think you also have to let them know your a grown man and you will live your life as you see best. I hope they will come around, but if they don't -- let it be them who abandons love, not you." I hear and feel Juan softly crying and again think back to Mateo who struggled with the same things. My poor sweet Mateo -- I can't go through that again.

"Will you just hold me tonight Drew? My body wants to do more, but I think I can't be the best me tonight."

"I'll hold you close and you can sleep safe all night." After awhile snuggled together I feel his body relax and soon his breathing tells me he has drifted off to sleep. I lay awake thinking back to Mateo, his bright and gentle personality -- everyone loved Mateo. But not the same way that I loved him. I feel my own eyes begin to tear up -- I once again push it all away and meditate myself to sleep.

When the sun wakes me up, I know I've slept more than the law requires. This is when I'm glad to be my own boss and I snuggle a little closer to the wonderful soft treasure sleeping next to me. I let him sleep -- I let my thoughts wander. I listen to his soft breaths and once again feel the pain prick me in my heart. I sorta knew this was going to be hard to manage -- I sorta knew I needed this to help put my life back on the rails. Just like that knee surgery -- hurts for awhile but in the end it's worth the pain. When Juan presses his body closer to me, I know he's waking up too. I put my arm around him to snuggle him even closer -- and feel my hard cock press into his crack -- it's almost unbearable. The temptation and desire co-mingled with my most treasured memories -- and yet I choose to stay close to him -- I need to stay, hoping to be set free again -- hoping Mateo understands my need to not be alone any longer.

I awaken to the feeling of warmth and hazy peaceful thoughts. The sun is up, but I shut it out -- I feel Drew's chest rising and falling against my back and hear his soft breaths. I feel his hand on my stomach -- flat with fingers spread keeping us close. I feel my erection begin and let it go -- I put my hand on his and guide him to it hoping I've not ruined everything again.

When his hand touches mine, my first thought is that I've overstepped. When his hand leads me down to his cock, I turn him to face me -- propped up on one elbow I look down into his eyes and slowly lower my lips to his. Just before our lips touch his eyes close, as do mine. Our pent up passion urges us forward -- I pull his body to the center of our shared space -- he understands and lays on his back with his legs spread. He may think I'm going to fuck him... "Not today Juan, but soon. I want us both to be certain that this is more than sexual need. Does that make sense... do you understand why?"

I look up to him -- a part of me is disappointed -- another part knows and agrees that our hearts connection is what we really desire and need. "I think I do Drew -- we both want this to be more. Am I right?"

"You're perfectly right Juan, you're absolutely right. I'll be completely open. I've done the casual route before. It's good right up to the moment I come, then it's over. I've also taken the time to grow close with another man -- close enough to be one. Our intimate times were so far beyond what I had known before experiencing what I shared with him. Does that make sense? Have you ever loved so deeply that it changes everything you ever thought you knew about love and sex?"

"Drew, I've never known such love -- but in my deepest soul I know it's there -- I pray it's there. I want what you speak of, but it is all so very new to me. I snuck some blowjobs and my life blew up in my face. But that explosion didn't kill me, it opened my eyes. I think it opened my eyes to at least some inkling -- some glimpse of what you're talking about. But I admit that it's only a glimpse."

"That's the way it is for everyone. That kind of love is something new for everyone until they experience it. But don't get me wrong, sometimes we think we've found love but it doesn't mature and jell. That often happens when we rush things -- love isn't easily rushed, it seems."

"So what is next for us?"

"What we're doing is next for us. We're driving across the country together. But after this moment, we sleep together, we talk and learn about each other, we kiss and flirt and explore each other's body. I hope we start slow and it builds to that moment when we join our bodies as one -- but believe me when I tell you from experience; If our souls have joined first, the joining of our bodies into one is much more powerful -- much more meaningful -- much more fulfilling -- much more beautiful. Does that make sense?"

"It really does. It make a lot of sense -- but I never really thought about it before."

"Well, now you know and can think more about it. Now you can build your dreams on something more solid, eh?"

"Will you lay on me and kiss me? I want to think more about it."

"Lay down and spread your legs for me." His cock is excited and so is he -- and so am I.

I lay on my back open -- open like a woman for her man -- but I'm a man laying open for my man and the thrill is almost overwhelming as his weight presses onto me. Instinctively, I lift my legs and grip him. Our hard cocks press together into a combined heat -- into a combined pleasure as he humps into me. Together we begin hump-fucking -- I'd have never even thought how good it feels -- it feels good both inside and on the sensitive surface of our flesh. He makes love to me this way as I relax passive under him -- if this is just our souls becoming one, I can't imagine what it must feel like when he joins his body with mine. I feel it building and let it grow as he keeps rubbing his cock on mine -- rubbing and rubbing until he does touch my inner core -- my soul. I finally realize he's going to make me come and it only takes a few more strokes of his cock on mine -- I spill my cum between us and he still keeps pleasuring us -- he pushes against my softening cock and his seems so dominant and massive, I shiver again as he milks out one more thrill. When he knows I'm done, Drew spills his seed on me -- on us as our cum mixes into one.

I lay collapsed on top of him -- so many thoughts racing around in my head. Mateo is there with a smile for me -- I feel my tears and let them fall. My love broken heart feels as if it will burst. It is now two who have captured me -- Mateo the one I have lost in this world -- and Juan who was sent to help me through that loss. It is love, not lust -- it is love or nothing if this new love fails. But I don't think it is doomed to fail -- I think Mateo guided us together to find a renewed reason to live.

EPILOGUE:

After that night and morning there by the river, Juan did stay. He moved into my small ranch-house in Idaho with me. I've told him about Mateo -- Juan even knew the name translates to "gift of god" in Spanish. Yes, he was a gift from god to me -- but just like Juan, his parents disowned him solely because of his sexual orientation. To my enduring pain and sorry, Mateo couldn't withstand the onslaught of condemnation and shame his family heaped onto him. The night I returned home from a delivery and found him laying cold in a dry pool of blood -- the pistol near his hand telling the whole story -- knowing he died all alone, my soul crumbled along with my life. Anger and revenge boiled in my veins as I watched my life, my hopes, burn up in flames.

I was trying so hard to not be tempted by Juan -- but I failed. I remained conflicted until one night Mateo came to me -- I can't say it was a dream, and I can't say it wasn't -- but it was something real. Mateo touched my arm and a sudden sense of peace flowed over me. He didn't speak, but I heard him without words telling me that it is okay to love Juan and one day we will all be together again. I've held onto those words. The pain of loss never heals completely, but the pain only comes from time to time lest we carelessly forget a love that never dies.

THE END