Sidechain

"You are drunk, huh."

Lucia said, "Listen," but whatever it was Vivian was supposed to listen to, she never heard.

There was, from somewhere behind Lucia, somewhere Vivian couldn't see, a high pitched, "What the fuck!?"

"Aw shit," Lucia said, bolting to her feet. "Wait!"

Vivian turned, and tried to stand up as well, but she was only most of the way there when something connected with her cheek, and the world spun.

Bits and pieces came to her.

"...knew this was gonna ha..."

"...didn't! Look! I..."

"...watching her drag you down? It fucking sucks!"

"...the cap! Look at the cap! I didn't..."

"...rts me so much to see you..."

"...elen! Look!"

...

" ...fuck didn't you say so? Oh my god, I..."

"...ing to handle it! She's all broken up, and just needed s...

"...to be you all the time! You don't need to keep..."

"...ight. I do owe her."

"...shit. Bullshit! You don't, and she's an asshole f...

And then, just as suddenly and violently as she'd hit the ground, something was picking her back up. Someone. Two someones.

"On the tailgate. On the tailgate."

"How's that—"

"It's better than having her face down on the ground!"

When Vivian finally opened her eye, singular, she found herself looking at the stars. She reached up and touched her cheek, and winced at how swollen and angry it was.

"Don't touch it," Lucia was saying. "God. Just... Lemme get some ice."

Boots on gravel, moving away.

"Did you try to get her to drink with you?" came a voice from beside her.

Probably Helen's voice. Vivian couldn't be sure, and the world was still spinning too much to try and reorient herself to find out. Instead, she just went with the balance of probability and, in a moment of clarity, said, "You were half right."

"How's that?"

"Thissss wsn't a... good idea. Now I'm-n pieces."

Her body wanted to cry, but her eyes were too dried out to make any more. Instead, her whole body just heaved.

"Oh for fucks sake."

"I got ice, I got ice," came Lucia's voice, from further away.

"You're really not drunk at all, are you?'

"I didn't even break the seal! I was really careful! I just... let her think I was drinking. Sorry, Viv."

"S'okay." She didn't really understand what she was forgiving right then, but felt comfortable saying so after whatever it was Lucia was trying to apologize for. The ice felt cold, which, duh, so she held it to the side of her head, and between the sound of the ice clinking and moving around inside the bag and the blood pumping in her ears, it muffled most of the conversation next to her.

"We gotta call Delia."

Lucia said, "I don't know if she'll come. Something happened."

"I've seen the way they look at each other. She'll come."

***

Delia came.

It took a while, some of which Vivian was passed out for. She remembered awkwardly climbing into Helen's truck, and she remembered limping down the hall of a hotel, and then it was dark for a while.

She threw up at one point, and as she got back into bed, head a little clearer, she could make out voices in the hallway. She couldn't tell what they were saying, but she was pretty sure it was Helen and Delia.

Vivian climbed into bed, hurting and embarrassed and crushed. She kind of hoped that, after everything, Delia would tell Helen off and leave so Vivian could wallow in the depression like she deserved.

They were still talking when Vivian laid down, and she fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.

***

When Vivian woke up, she was dismayed to see Delia curled up in an armchair across the room, sleeping with a blanket wrapped tightly around her while Vivian had the bed to herself. It was very much not okay. She must have made some noise, because Delia's slumped head popped up, and her eyes narrowed on Vivian right away. She looked tired.

It was the first time Vivian had seen her in a week, and that was the longest they'd been apart since they met. She wanted to get up and run to her. She wanted to hold Delia and never let go. Delia had asked for space, though, so Vivian just sat up. With difficulty.

Delia was slow in moving. There were bags under her eyes, and a little bit of a wince when she stood up. "Come on," she said.

Vivian found, once she started moving, that she wasn't in any better shape, though, she suspected, for entirely different reasons. Delia went into the bathroom, turned on the light, and gestured to the toilet. She put her hands on her hips while she waited, head hanging low, and Vivian sat, quickly and compliantly.

"Orbital bone doesn't seem broken," Delia said, as she gave a few gentle prods. Then she held up a finger and moved it around in front of Vivian. "Look all the way up? All the way down? Any pain? Watch my finger?"

Vivian did, tracking it with just her eyes.

"What day is it?"

"Saturday," she croaked. Her voice was down to a raspy whisper.

Delia gave her a momentary glance. "Do you remember where you are?"

"Seattle, but... I don't know what hotel this is."

"Helen said you were out. How was your balance when you were walking just now?"

"Fine," she said, and then, feeling like that was too terse and she didn't want to come off as surly, she added, "I have a headache, but it's fine. The whiskey."

"Is the headache located anywhere specific?" When Vivian shook her head, Delia nodded and stood up more fully. "I don't think you have a concussion."

"Okay."

The shorter woman leaned against the wall and frowned. "I'm glad you're okay."

Vivian did not know how to respond to this, even though she wanted to keep the conversation going. It didn't seem like a statement that had an easy response. You too? No. Her face hurt, and her throat hurt, and her elbow hurt too for some reason she didn't know, but she couldn't imagine complaining about those. "I'm sorry they called you."

"I'm not."

She looked up. "No?"

Delia sighed, and some of the stiffness seemed to drain from her shoulders. "Helen said you needed to talk to me."

"Of course I need to talk to you," Vivian said. "I just... I wanted to give you... I was trying to..." Her face pinched as she tried to figure out what she was trying to say, and that set off some sharp-but-manageable pain in her cheek.

"Okay. I'll go first." Delia folded her arms very tightly, body seeming to go completely rigid. "I've done a lot of thinking the last few days. I think that I've... I've been holding myself back. For a long time. I was trying so hard to be... constant, and dependable for you, and I..."

Vivian tried to swallow, but her throat wouldn't let her.

"Once we started talking about the wedding," she said, sounding like she was barely holding back tears, "it all just started pouring out. I mean, I've been wanting to bring up having a baby with you for years, but I... I didn't want to overwhelm you. I didn't want to make things harder for you. It's already so hard for you, and you just, you..." Delia looked up at the ceiling and blinked rapidly.

"I'm sorry," Vivian said.

"No. No. You... I know you're trying. That's all I ever wanted from you. I just... I can't do that anymore. I can't be that. It's been really hard not going after the things I want, and I just... I hit a breaking point. I'm sorry." She looked back down, tucking her chin into her chest, and shook her head. "I'm sorry."

"Have you been making yourself miserable?"

She smiled sadly. "It didn't feel like that at first. It's just that... you know, with the last couple months..."

This hit her not like a blast, or like bricks, but like a knife. Sharp, and almost not at all, but she knew the cut was deep. Once her nerves caught up, it would hurt a lot. Fears that lived deep down were slithering toward the surface, that she was a charity case, barely more than a child herself.

"It just... became apparent that I can't keep putting myself second."

"I would never," Vivian whined. "I didn't want that. I just want you to be happy! Are you not happy?"

Delia took a shuddering breath, and didn't respond.

"That's all I ever wanted for you. I just wanted you to be happy. I didn't..." Her voice sounded horrible, and felt worse coming out. "I didn't want you to make sacrifices for me!"

"Of course I made sacrifices for you," she said, smiling sadly. Then she shook her head, and said, "No. No, that's not fair. I made compromises."

Vivian stood up, which hurt. When she did, Delia leaned back just a little, somewhere between making space for her in the small bathroom and not wanting to tilt her head too much to look up. "I want you to be happy," she whispered, because that hurt the least. "You deserve to be happy." Seeing Delia recoil from her, even if there was a perfectly logical reason, really really hurt. "I'm always going to need help, but I'm trying."

The cracks in the dam gave way, and Delia started crying openly.

"Am I not enough? Do you need... do you need more? Because I can... I will do more. I'll learn. I'll do better."

"Jesus, Vivian," she said, covering most of her face with her hand.

"I will do whatever you need me to do to be enough for you."

Delia made a sound like a laugh and a sob, and she fell in on herself a little. "Oh god, are we... Are we both trying to stand here and apologize for not being enough?"

"What? No. You... I thought you..."

Delia shifted her arms lower, both of them wrapped around her middle. "I'm not the person you need," she said. "I can't—"

"You're perfect," Vivian said, louder than she probably should have, and she tasted copper on the back of her tongue. It didn't matter. When she continued, though, it was without her vocal chords. Her voice sounded like the air at the bottom of a bottle of whipped cream. "Please. Just... listen."

Delia looked up at her, head turned slightly away, and her eyes bulged when Vivian got down on both of her knees in front of her.

"I've been... I think I've been struggling with the same thing. I think I'm ready for more too. Playing with Graviton was a mistake, and I don't think I realized how on edge I've been since she asked me. I've been making everything worse." She grabbed hold of the outsides of Delia's pant legs, at the seams, with each hand, and leaned her head forward until it was resting on Delia's tummy. "I needed it, but I hated it, and I didn't... Because it was Lucia, it was so much harder to see."

"I don't want to hear about her right now," Delia said, quietly.

Vivian nodded, and dug around in her still-somewhat-drunk mind for a better way to put it. "When me and Darren were four, we got these trees for our birthday. My aunt did Greenpeace. Stuff like that. They were both dogwood trees. Darren's was supposed to be white, and mine was supposed to be pink, and when we went to put them out in the yard, Dad came out and yelled at us that they were too close. He said Darren's was bigger, and it was going to choke mine with its roots and block it from getting any sun, once they grew a little more."

"We didn't care. We wanted them close. We did everything together, and our trees were gonna be just like us."

That hadn't been the point of the story, and she hadn't meant to pause there, but Vivian found herself gripping Delia's pants as if her life depended on it.

"His didn't choke mine," she said, eventually, just as Delia's hand settled on the top of her head. "They grew together, or, like, around each other. By the time we were ten, the pink and white flowers were all overlapping and mixed together. Sometimes the flowers would even be, like, a pastel, or have both pink and white in them. Usually the pink around the edges and the white in the center."

She sniffed hard, and said, "That's what I always wanted. I wanted to grow around someone."

"That's beautiful," Delia said, now softly caressing the back of Vivian's head.

In response, Vivian put her arms around Delia's thighs, and grabbed her own elbows to squeeze. "I don't need you to be anyone that you aren't. I want you. However you are, I want you."

"But what if I can't support us?"

"I'll work nine jobs."

"You can't work nine jobs," Delia said, and it almost sounded like she was laughing.

"I'll do whatever it takes. Just... don't leave me. Please."

"What about her?"

"It wasn't what I needed. She wasn't. Isn't. Never was. I..." She paused for a second, hesitating at the idea of adding something for herself, but if not now then when? "I do need to be in a band again. I had no idea how much I needed that, but... not that band. I'm sorry it took me so long to figure that out."

"I don't need you to have everything figured out," Delia said, sobbing, but also holding Vivian's head tightly against her tummy with both hands. "I just need to feel like I matter. I need to matter to you."

"I'm sorry you doubted that for even a second."

"...What if I want a baby?" Her voice was thick. Choked.

Vivian grabbed her so tightly. "I can't. Not with him. I'm sorry. I've been... thinking about it a lot, and Tiffany, and I want to but I keep—"

Delia gently reached back, took Vivian's wrists, and separated them enough that she could get down on her knees in front of Vivian, and be on her level. "You don't have to explain."

"I feel like I do," she said. It felt like her chest was going to burst open.

"I want a family with you," Delia said.

"I want that too," Vivian sobbed.

"I think you'll make an amazing mom."

Vivian tried to say you too, but what came out was unintelligible and short.

"You're kind, and supportive, and strong, and we're gonna need that because I am going to be as soft as wet cheese. I can already tell you."

Vivian buried her head in Delia's shoulder, laughing and crying all at once.

"I know you have a complicated relationship with your brother. I'm an only child. I can't imagine what it's like growing up competing with anyone else, with your mom the way she is." She paused to sniff, and grabbed hold of the back of Vivian's neck. "You are enough. I'm sorry if I made you feel like you weren't. I need you."

"I'm sorry too," Vivian said. "You're my rock."

"We can't both be rocks," Delia said. "That's not how rocks work."

Nobody could make her laugh like Delia.

"I love you."

Vivian, taking her first real breath in over five minutes, said, "I love you too."

***

Saturday was a complete wash. Vivian slept in Delia's arms for hours and hours, except for the hours when Delia was sleeping in her arms. They ordered room service, and only got out of bed for long enough to open the door. They shared the same space, and they shared the same air.

Delia kept checking her vitals, heart rate and such, and brought up getting an x-ray a few times just in case, but always circled back around to just staying put.

Since her accident, Vivian had been a walking open book. Everyone who met her got the full experience right away, but it had been a long time since Vivian had been so open about her needs, even with herself. She'd been so busy putting one foot in front of the other that it was hard, painful even, to be even more exposed. Given the way Delia kept looking up at her, with her big blue eyes, like she was constantly afraid Vivian was going to run away, she thought maybe they were in the same place.

***

On Sunday, they ventured back out into the world.

During her time with Insanity Hall, Kevin had instituted a hard rule about festivals; they had to show back up. It didn't need to be every minute, but they needed to go back, or go early, or something. Go see the other bands. If some fans recognized them, that was an opportunity to say hey, yeah, hi, but also have you checked out these guys? If no one recognized them, that was fine too. They'd just make the crowds a little larger wherever they went.

Delia had insisted on going when Vivian first brought it up, but the truth was that Vivian wouldn't have gone without her. Not so soon. They were hand in hand whenever they weren't arm in arm.

In the middle of the afternoon, they were wandering between some of the different concerts. Delia was thirsty, and so Vivian stepped into the line for the lemonade stand that was right there. It was a short line, and when she turned around there was a brief moment of panic when Delia was exactly where she had been. She wasn't far, though. About twenty steps farther in the other direction, right at the back of a crowd in front of one of the free stages. Delia was swaying slightly with the music.

The girl on the stage, a black girl who might have been a couple years younger than Vivian, had a beautiful voice. Soprano range. She had a keyboard in front of her and a synthesizer next to her. She had these little jewels glued in place around her eyes, making it look like she was crying diamonds. The song was equal parts pretty, angry, and sad, with the kind of brutal authenticity that only came from a broken heart, and that only other people who'd had their hearts ripped out would really appreciate. The synth arrangement was gorgeous, and her playing was lovely, but her voice was...

"Wow," Vivian croaked, her own voice still an absolute mess.

"She's good, right?" Delia said, turning to look up at her.

Vivian could hear it coming, the movements and the harmonies, and not because it was a song she'd heard elsewhere. It sounded like something she might write but hadn't. Yet.

Then her eyes caught the slatboard schedule up beside the stage, and her jaw went slack. Where had she heard the name Free Again? It tickled something in the back of her brain, a half remembered conversation with her niece. Did this count as Synthwave?

"Son of a bitch," she muttered.

***

"Oh my god," the girl said.

Vivian had been hovering at the periphery. The girl had family waiting backstage, and she'd gone right for them. Vivian had been trying to be inconspicuous, standing with Delia like they had a real reason to be there and waiting for her turn to introduce herself, but the girl had locked eyes with her from across a distance, and stepped away with a few quick words.

"Oh my god, you're that Time Warp girl!"

Vivian blinked, which still stung, because her eye was still puffy. "Is that how, uh... I mean, yeah? I guess?"

"Wow," she said, eyes widening. "Your voice is just gone, huh!"

"It'll be fine," she said, hoarsely. "You caught the show?"

"You brought down the house! I was telling everybody!"

"Thanks," Vivian said, though she didn't really feel grateful. She felt off-balance. "I just came over to say that, like, we really loved your set. It was haunting."

She laughed, and ran a hand through her thick curls just as a tall man Vivian had initially taken as her brother came over behind her, and placed his arm around her waist. "Babe! This is the girl I was telling you about!"

Lauren, and her boyfriend TJ. She'd just moved from Seattle to Portland, after a bad breakup, but she'd found someone new and didn't want to keep singing sad songs. She was ready for a change.

They exchanged numbers.

"What if you started a band with her?" Delia said, absently, as they were making their way back out into the throng. "I liked her a lot."

Heedless of the bodies trying to pass them, Vivian stopped right there and kissed her.

"What?' Delia said, laughing, as Vivian held her cheeks. "Is that a dumb idea?"

***

"Alriiiight," Carly said, as she came back down the stairs. "Ashley is asleep, and Tiffany is faking being asleep so she can do whatever it is she thinks she's hiding from me."

Darren slumped in his chair and rolled his eyes. "This hiding it thing is new. I don't like it."

"Not gonna fix it tonight," Carly said, as she grabbed the wine bottle and refilled her glass.