Simple Choices

"You can fuck a thousand guys, but you will always be mine."

Our bodies wildly slammed into one another as raw emotions took control.

"Oh, fuck me!!" she yelled as her body convulsed beneath my shuddering form.

"Your body is mine."

"Your cunt is mine."

"Your love is mine."

I pressed my cock deep into her as the spasms of orgasm flooded over me. I'd wanted to spend the whole night with my rigid cock inside of her, but I was too excited to control myself. As my orgasm broke, I felt the quivering of satisfaction within her. Her defocused eyes pierced mine. It was as if she was looked past my face, at something deep within me. Her spine drew tight, trembled within my grasp and then went slack.

I breathed heavily on top of her as I looked into her eyes, desperately hoping to see some sign that she'd changed her mind.

She said, "Oh god that was incredible," as her chest heaved for air.

I kissed her on her ear, on her neck, and on her lips, and then I hovered over her face to take in her beautiful glow. As she caught her breath, the intensity in her brown eyes slowly faded, and I could see that, despite my efforts, nothing had changed.

***

We woke to the ring of her phone. It took her a couple of rings to find it in the pre-dawn light.

She said, "Hello?"

I could only hear her side of the conversation.

"Oh, It's so good to hear your voice."

I could tell by the way she spoke that it was Jeff.

"Of course!"

I thought about saying something loud enough to let him know that I was there with her, but that would have hurt Debbie and it might have backfired on me in the long run, so I held my peace.

"Yes. Yes. I'll be there."

I probably should have gotten up and left the room to give her some privacy, but I wanted to know what my future held.

"No, that shouldn't be a problem. I'll get someone to give me a ride."

Of course, someone was me, but to Jeff I was nameless.

"Great! I'll see you tomorrow."

Feelings of loss and deep disappointment overwhelmed me as the reality of her impending departure sank in.

"Me too."

...

"Of course!"

...

"Goodbye."

She checked the time, put down the phone and said, "I'm booked on a flight this morning. Can you give me a ride to the airport?"

"Of course," I replied.

She kissed me once on the lips then got up. "I'd better pack. I don't have much time."

I rolled out of bed and got dressed. "Do you want some coffee?"

She smiled warmly and said, "Yes. That would be nice."

***

We nursed our coffee from paper cups as we crawled to the airport in the heavy Los Angeles traffic. I broke the silence by saying, "I'm willing to wait a little while for you, but please don't leave me hanging. Just drop the hammer if you know I should give up."

Debbie looked at me for a few moments before she answered. I don't know whether she thought I was pathetic for hanging on or courageous for not giving up. Eventually, she took my hand and said, "Thank you. I will."

I curbed the car at departures and then got out to help her with her bags. We lingered there with our arms wrapped around one another. I said, "This is probably it for us. We'd better make this a good one."

She squeezed me tightly. "It's already been a good one."

"Do you really think it's going to be that much better with him?"

"No. I don't see how it could be any better."

"Do you love him more than you love me?"

"Oh, no. Not at all."

"So, why then?"

"Because I made a promise."

"You realize that things change, right? Times change. People change. Not every promise needs to be for eternity."

"I know, but in this case, I'm honor bound. Jeff kept his promise to me and the rest of the country. We can't abandon him; I have to keep my word."

"Is there anything I could say that would get you to stay?"

She touched my face gently with her hand and said, "Please know that I need to do this. It's not a choice."

"It's always a choice. No one can make you do anything."

"It's not that anyone is making me do it. It's that I couldn't live with myself if I didn't. I have to honor the commitment; it's just how I'm wired."

After that words failed us. We stood there at the curb, locked in a gaze that neither of us wanted to break with her hands in mine.

"Is this your car?"

I turned to see a uniformed police officer with her pen out and her pad ready.

"Yes. I'm just leaving." I replied.

Debbie kissed me on the cheek, turned and wheeled her bag into the terminal.

***

I was just pulling off the freeway when Stan called. After the usual pleasantries, he asked, "When does Debbie leave?"

"Now. I just dropped her off."

"You're still helping out this afternoon, right?"

"This afternoon?"

"We've got the Wild Bunch today."

Debbie and Michelle had roped Stan and me into volunteering at a home for adults with special needs. Once or twice a month we would take a group of four disabled young adults out for the day.

"Oh shit, I forgot about that. I don't think I'm going to make it."

"Well, you're going to have to tell Kevin, because I'm not going to tell him."

I silently lingered on the phone. A couple of cones of ice cream and a few hours out on the town was all it took for me to become Kevin's best buddy. I hated to blow him off, but I really didn't want to go out.

Stan continued, "It will do you good to spend time with someone less fortunate than you are."

"Okay, you win."

***

Kevin was waiting with the Stan, Michelle, Charlotte, Charles, and Kimberly when I arrived. He said, "Hey, buddy!" as he held up his hand for a high five.

I replied, "Hey, buddy," slapped his hand and then we chatted about what we were going to do that day.

We'd only been talking for a few moments when Kimberly asked, "Where's Debbie?"

Michelle answered, "Oh sweetie, Debbie can't make it today, but we're still going to have a good time."

Kimberly stamped her foot and cried, "No! She promised to be here today."

"Oh honey, Debbie made too many promises for today. I'm sure she'll make it up to you next time..."

"No! She said she'd be here!"

Stan tried to help by taking Kim by the shoulders, looking her square in the face and saying, "Debbie may not be here for a while, but we can have fun without her, and when she comes back we'll have even more fun."

Kim would have none of it. She screamed the heavens blue, attracting unwanted glances from nearby strangers.

I balanced on one foot, looked at the bottom of my left shoe and said, "Kimberly, is being a cantankerous scallywag."

Charlotte burst into laughter, dropped to the ground, took off her left shoe and shouted into its sole, "Kimberly is a cantankerous scallywag."

Charles flopped down took off a shoe and followed suit.

Kevin shouted at him, "Charles! Use your left shoe! The aliens can't hear you if you use your right one!"

Kimberly couldn't help but giggle. She sat on the ground, took off her shoe and yelled into its sole, "No! Douglas is a cantankerous scallywag."

We all laughed, sat down, took off our left shoes and shouted on and on about who was the most cantankerous of the scallywags. In the end, it was decided that Debbie was the queen of the cantankerous scallywags.

That took the edge off of Kim's disappointment. After a few hours on a sailboat and a frozen banana, she'd almost forgotten Debbie was missing.

***

Debbie called late that night. "Hi, sweetie. It's me."

"Hi, beautiful. I miss you already."

"Me too! What did you do today?"

"We took the Wild Bunch sailing."

"Oh, damn. I forgot about that."

"Yeah, you're on Kim's shit list."

"Did she throw a fit?"

"At first, but we covered for you. She was a happy camper by the time we got home."

"I hate letting her down like that."

"Of course you do, but you can only do so much. She'll move on, and pretty soon she won't even remember."

***

The next morning Debbie sent a text that said "Off to the hospital. I'll let you know how it goes."

That evening I saw her on the news standing next to Jeff, who was bandaged, wearing a hospital gown, sitting in a wheelchair. She held his hand while he talked about his capture and imprisonment. It was all very harrowing, and there was no denying that he was a hero. After that, the press asked about his health and his plans. His answers about the future were uncertain.

Once the press had finished interrogating him, they asked Debbie about her ordeal and how she had coped with the loneliness. She said that she was happy to finally have him back and looked forward to them getting to know one another again.

As the interview wrapped up, Jeff took Debbie's hand, looked her in the eye and said, "The one thing I know for sure is that I owe everything to this woman, who never gave up on me. Without her, I never would have made it."

By the next morning, the internet had erupted with the romantic story of the woman who'd waited for the return of the fiancé that the rest of the world had given up on. I couldn't pick up my phone without seeing some reference to Jeff or Debbie. Sometimes it was a story about Jeff's heroism, and sometimes it was an article about the army's failure to look after one of their own, but most of the content focused on Debbie, her girl-next-door beauty and her enduring commitment to her man. She became an icon for a view of womanhood that had been long thought lost. The hashtag #WomanOfVirtue became wildly popular. She was on the front page of the newspapers and the lead story on Google News and Yahoo. The evening news and the morning talk shows on all four networks carried their story as the lead item. There were memes on Reddit with her image waiting for the return of Amelia Earhart, the arrival of the new iPhone or anything else unobtainable.

***

Debbie called while I was reading the morning news.

I said, "You're famous now."

"Yeah, it's frightening."

"How so? I would think it'd be exciting."

"No. It's horrible. Everyone thinks I'm some chaste maiden who was waiting in an ivory tower for her brave knight to return. They're going to crucify me when they find out what a fraud I am."

"Give yourself some credit. You're trying to do the right thing, and that's more than most people would do."

"Yeah, but what's going to happen when some internet sleuth finds out that you and I were living together? This whole facade will come crashing down on me."

"Well, maybe. But it's hard to argue with the fact that you are there for him right now. You're a good person, and you have good intentions."

There was a long pause before she said, "Thank you for saying that."

What else was I going to say? It's not like there was any dividend in being pissy or selfish.

***

The Wild Bunch became obsessed with Debbie's fame. They talked about it incessantly and shouted over one another at each sighting of her face on a magazine rack or on the television. Kimberly bought every magazine with Debbie's picture and then decorated her room with the cutout pages.

Even Kevin got in on the act. He'd found a summary of the events leading to Jeff's Bronze Star, and had committed the entire thing to memory. He said, "Jeff's a real hero, you know."

I nodded in agreement. "Yes, he is."

"He saved eighteen people. He was awarded the Bronze Star. Not just any Bronze Star, but a Bronze Star with Valor."

"Yes, I know."

"I wish I could be a hero like him."

"Why's that?"

"Heroes get the girl."

I nodded my head. "Yeah, you're right about that."

"Do you think Debbie will bring him home so that I can meet him?"

"Would you like that?"

He nodded emphatically. "I've always wanted to meet a real hero."

***

"Hi, Doug it's Debbie."

"Hey, it's been a while. I was beginning to think you'd forgotten about me."

"Yeah, sorry. It's really crazy here."

"I bet. Isn't there anyone there to help?"

"Oh, there is, but it's still overwhelming. There's therapy, group therapy, and couples therapy. On top of that, there's all the training on post-traumatic stress. It's frightening how much havoc PTSD can wreak on a family."

"Are you two a family now?"

"You know what I mean."

"I'm not sure I do."

"I'm the only one here for him."

"I see."

"Oh, Doug. Don't be like that!"

"What do you want me to be like? Should I say, 'That Jeff sure is a good guy. I hope he gets the girl!'"

"Don't be silly. You've been so good about all of this. I was hoping I still could count on you."

"You do realize what you're putting me through, right?"

"I know it's hard."

"Yeah, well, it may be harder than you think. I had to move out of our apartment."

"What? Why?"

"There were a bunch of geeky hipsters hanging out in front of it when I came home yesterday."

"Oh shit, the internet paparazzi. You didn't go in did you?"

"No, I got Michelle to retrieve some of my stuff, and I moved in with Todd, who had a room open at his place in Hermosa Beach."

"Oh. I'm sorry about that."

"Yeah, I know you're sorry, but this is getting really old. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of seeing pictures of you with Jeff wherever I look. I'm tired of Kevin telling me what a great guy he is, and I'm tired of trying to convince myself that this will only be for a little while."

"I know it's not easy, but we're all dealing with the same situation."

"Really? I bet he doesn't even know I exist."

The line was silent.

"You're not coming back are you?"

"I don't know."

***

Pictures of Michelle outside my apartment were scattered throughout my twitter feed the next morning. One source quoted her saying, "Debbie's a wonderful woman who deserves to be with a man who appreciates her." Another quoted, "Debbie is the kind of woman that every mother wishes her son would bring home." Both quotes stoked the flames of the internet's passion for Debbie. Memes with her counseling President Obama and The Pope on virtue popped up on Reddit and Tumblr and then made the rounds of Facebook.

I was trapped in an odd limbo where I had no control over my future. It seemed like Debbie, Jeff and every person on the internet had a say in what happened to me, and all I could do was ride the wave. Rather than do anything consequential, I took care of stuff for work and got together with friends. But no matter what I did, I thought about Debbie. I found the hotel she was staying in on Google Earth and traced out her route to the hospital. I followed her days on the news and sent her regular Snapchats and texts. I researched PTSD online, and I learned about EMDR and the other techniques used to treat it. I read about Landstuhl Regional Medical Center in Germany, but mostly I just obsessed over her.

***

At 6:30 on a Tuesday morning, the phone rang. It took a few rings for me to wake up and find it. "Hello?"

"Hi Doug, it's Debbie."

"What's up?" I tried to be upbeat, but I could tell by the tone of her voice that this was not going to be a good call.

"You asked me to let you know when you should give up."

I'd had more than a month to brace for the chilling words, so I thought I'd be better prepared, but I was caught flat-footed. I composed myself and said, "Okay, well thanks for letting me know."

"We're going to be leaving here next week."

"Oh, that's good, right?"

"We're coming to LA. We're going to live in my apartment for a while."

"Okay, well, a bunch of my shit is still there, and the paparazzi are still circling about. Do you think you can take care of it?"

"I'll get Michelle to box it up before we get there."

After that, we said goodbye and hung up.

***

As painful as it was, cutting the cord was good for me. Before the week was out, I'd hooked up with a couple of women that I'd met on internet dating sites. I was good looking. I had a good job. I could carry on a conversation, and I showered regularly. So, it shouldn't have been too surprising that women found me attractive, but still, given the situation, a little positive feedback and some casual sex made a world of difference to my self-esteem.

After the first hookup, other women followed in rapid succession. After a month or so of dating I no longer felt physically ill when I thought of Debbie and Jeff living together in my apartment, and I could usually purge thoughts of them having sex from my mind when I was with another woman. However, despite my attempt to move on, everything I did came back to Debbie. I didn't hook up with a woman without wondering if I could use her as a tool to pry Debbie away from Jeff. I didn't talk to Michelle and Stan without hoping for news that they had split, but the most I ever got was, 'Debbie sends her best.' I figured that time was the only thing that would heal my wounds, so I soldiered on.

***

On a crystal clear September Saturday Michelle, Stan and I took our disabled-young-adult posse to the Los Angeles County Fair. The rides, the animals, the candy, the soda, and the arcades drove the four Wild Bunchers into hyperstimulation. Everything was going fine until I took Kevin on a ride that spun a little too fast, and he vomited all over both of us. By the time I got him off the ride, he was in tears.

"It's alright buddy, don't worry about it. We'll clean this up and then we'll go back to the arcade. How does that sound?"

He answered with a sob but calmed down enough to let me hustle him to the restroom. I took off his t-shirt, rinsed it out and then used it to wipe him down. I cleaned his face and sponged what I could from his pants. Once he was reasonably clean, I gave him my t-shirt, which was the least-soiled shirt we had. "There. You're as good as new!"

As we returned from the restroom, I heard Kimberly squeal. "Debbie! I knew you'd come today!"

Debbie and Jeff were standing hand in hand talking to Michelle and Stan. Kim was giving Debbie a big squeeze while the rest of the group gathered around. Jeff was taller than I thought he'd be. He stood confidently next to Debbie, smiling with that trim, muscular look of the military.

Kevin ran up to them in his strange, straight-legged gait yelling, "Hi Debbie!"

"Hi, Kevin. Did you miss me?"

He awkwardly hugged her and said, "I missed you a ton!" He released Debbie, looked at Jeff and said, "Are you really a hero?"

"That's what they say."

"Wow, I've always wanted to meet a hero."

Jeff was amused by Kevin's disabled display of admiration. After a brief chat, he turned to me and asked, "And who's this guy?"

Kimberly replied, "That's Doug. He LOVES Debbie."

Jeff laughed as he turned to Debbie. "Have you made a conquest?"

Debbie ignored his question while I imagined how I might defend myself with my clothes pockmarked by bathroom blotting and smelling of Kevin's vomit. Instead of doing anything dramatic, I looked at Debbie and said, "It's nice to see you again."

Jeff socked me on the shoulder and said, "You keep using smooth lines like that, and one day you'll get a girlfriend."

Debbie smiled brightly and said, "It's good to see you too! Maybe we could all do something together."

Michelle turned to the posse and asked, "Do you guys want to do something with Debbie?"

The four members of the posse burst into cheers. Even Stan said, "That sounds like a great idea."

I could understand the posse's reaction, but couldn't believe that Michelle and Stan didn't realize how horrible the idea was. Only Jeff's view aligned with mine. He said, "Let's do it another time."

Debbie replied, "But these are my friends."

"We can catch up with your friends later."

"Stop. This is really important to me. I haven't seen them in ages."

Jeff tried to laugh through it, but Debbie was undeterred. They dropped into low voices exchanging stern words. Debbie said something about her friends and Jeff responded by saying he didn't like groups. Eventually, Debbie said, "Will you excuse us for a moment?" then led Jeff to the other side of the sidewalk where their conversation became heated.