Sincere Apology

One day he locked me in the bedroom. He had put on a new hasp that opened only from the outside. Then he went and screwed plywood over the outside of both windows. I had to turn on the lights, and I realized that this was the day of my appointment in Conner City.

I suppose I still wanted to go, but I couldn't.

I turned out the lights and stretched out on the bed watching television.

Was this love?

**********

Noah

The mania came and went. Her depression deepened and then disappeared like that. The hypersexuality took her and she tried to force herself on me when we were in bed. I had to keep fending her off, all the time remembering what Bradley had told me.

It wasn't personal.

When she hated, it wasn't directed at me. When she caved in on herself and sat rocking silently for hours, it wasn't anything to do with me. When she wanted to fuck... unfortunately, it wasn't me she wanted to fuck. In particular, anyway.

That last one was the hardest not to take personally.

I called the therapist Bradley had been seeing and begged her for a meeting.

**********

Mia

I will not go willingly to another goddamn therapist as long as I live, and Noah had to drag me to the car. I screamed at him the whole way to Conner City.

We went into the office of Dr. Florence Wynne like I was being arrested. Noah had me firmly by the arm. He led me to a chair and forced me down into it.

Dr. Wynne looked somewhat taken aback.

"Mrs. Goodwin, are you being.... Mr. Goodwin, have you coerced your wife into coming today?"

"You bet I have," said Noah angrily.

"Mrs. Goodwin, I am legally obligated to ask this. Do you want me to call the authorities?"

"No - I want you to leave me the fuck alone."

The doctor just stared at me. I was obviously a lost cause.

She asked Noah to tell her what had led to this point. He then proceeded with the whole tale of my broken twat.

"Mia," she asked suddenly. "What do you want to get out of our sessions?"

Oh, we were on first names now? I was even more pissed.

"I want to get rid of him." I said, pointing at Noah.

He looked like I had kicked him in the nuts.

"Why?" she asked.

I looked her straight in the eyes, ignoring him.

"He wants a big family and I am never going to be able to do that. I want him to give up on me and let me go away so he can have what he wants."

The room was silent for a while. Noah was staring into space.

"Noah?" she said.

He cleared his throat, his eyes shiny.

"I want the old Mia back. The one I married."

She made a note. "Have you had sex since the day you brought her home?"

I chortled and she shot me a look. Brought me home? Fucking hogtied me. Kidnapped me as I was in the middle of making risotto.

"No."

"Why not?" She pressed. "You did the male thing and reclaimed her rather forcefully. Why not keep on reestablishing your turf?"

Noah's face made me think that she had hit his battleship.

"Because when I look at her.... All I can think of is the other guy inside her."

Dr. Wynne wasn't backing off. "She never told you who her affair partner was, though. Doesn't anonymity make it easier for you to... lose that image?"

I liked her description. The painful ten minutes with that awful creep was an affair. It sounded almost classy.

"Fuck no," Noah was on the edge of shouting. "She broke our vows. She fucked another man for god's sake. How am I ever supposed to forget?"

"Has she ever told you why she did it?"

He shook his head.

"Mia?"

I shook my head.

"We already know why, though, don't we?" She said.

I leaned forward without meaning to. Noah's eyes widened, looking at the doctor.

"She just told us. Mia had sex with another man in an attempt to destroy your love for her. She already has admitted that she wants you to leave her but she feels you would never do so unless you had a compelling reason. Her affair was supposed to be that compelling reason, but you have not cooperated."

You could say that again. The doctor was earning her pay now. She closed her notebook and set it aside, then addressed us both.

"Our time today is up," she said, "and so I want to leave you two with some painful thoughts. Your relationship, your marriage, is in terrible shape. I give you about a 50 percent chance of making it whole. Mia, you have suffered two tragedies, and your reaction to those losses is destroying Noah. Noah, you are doing the right thing by following Bradley's counsel, but you cannot keep your heart out of the fire for long. You all have just loved each other too much to cleanly disconnect. You can't keep such a close watch on Mia forever. She will eventually get out. And what then if she takes another lover, and another? There will come a point at which you will hate her. Hard to think that now, but I have seen it happen over and over."

"Mia, I am more worried about you. Let me be frank. Right now, Noah is the only thing in this world standing between you and a destructive future of chemical abuse and one night stands and short unfulfilling relationships as you attempt to cope by yourself with the changes you have undergone. Post-traumatic stress alters the interior structures and chemistry of the brain. You are literally not the old Mia that Noah wants back."

"Can you ever be? It depends on you. I can treat you in several ways, including with the latest drugs. But I can't force you. Even Noah can't force you, as much as it appears that he is willing to try."

"If that Mia wants to come back, she has to be willing to fight."

**********

Noah

The new bottle of pills sat on the table between us as we ate. We didn't say a word. Soup and sandwiches. Iced tea. Mia's appetite changed day to day. She starved, then she gorged. She bitched about the food. The taste, the texture, the quantity, the color. The next day she would bolt whatever I had cooked down and tell me that it was the most delicious thing she had ever had in her mouth. Saying that with a leer, then coming over and rubbing her hand on my crotch as I did my best to ignore her, knowing this flaring passion would fizzle out shortly as the tides of froth and sewage in her brain fell and rose.

Take with food, the instructions said. We started watching a movie, then I paused it about halfway through and walked her to the kitchen. I picked up the bottle and handed it to her. She turned and went toward the sink.

**********

Mia

I had the cap off the bottle and my hand was headed toward the garbage disposal switch before Noah tackled me. For lack of a more genteel word, yeah, he tackled me. Took me around the waist onto the floor. The pills flew everywhere, landing all around us like hailstones.

I ended up on my back, Noah astride me. He was angry and breathing hard. He picked up a pill from the floor. I shut my mouth. He pinched my nose, and after I struggled for a minute, I had to gasp for air and he jammed the pill in. I tried to push it back out with my tongue, but he clamped a hand over my mouth.

Then he blew hard on my nose. Like a goddamn dog. He was trying to force the pill down my throat like I was nothing more than a dog.

It worked. Damn. I had a reflexive swallow and the pill was in my stomach.

I tried to knee him in the groin, making wild noises against his palm.

"Did you take it?" He shouted.

I screamed into his hand. He removed it and jammed two fingers into my mouth. I tried to bite him, but he was too quick.

"I have all day. Did you take it?"

I was exhausted. I just nodded. He helped me up and put a glass of water against my lips. I took a big sip, considered spitting it on him. I didn't.

He picked me up like a baby and carried me to the couch. He continued to watch the movie. I fell right asleep, curled up against him.

**********

Noah

Our schedule became: wake, eat, distraction, eat, jam pill down wife's throat, distraction, eat, sleep. Repeat.

Luckily I had three employees who could keep the store running without my direction.

It took a solid two weeks before she stopped fighting and swallowed the pill without the threat of being held down.

Two weeks after that and I was noticing improvements. Her moods swung somewhat less violently. She woke up screaming only about every third night. We had two more sessions with Dr.Wynne. Together, and then Mia by herself. After making sure there were no windows that opened in the office, I sat right outside the door for an hour. I was terrified that she would slip away from me and run. To get sterilized or to get fucked by some stranger. Both were equally horrible thoughts.

Of course, it was ultimately her body and her decision, but if I let her go under the knife in her mental state, it was the end of us. If she ever came back to me, she would regret it. She would blame me for letting it happen.

If she never came back to me -- if my old Mia never returned -- then it didn't matter. She could and most probably would leave and then do whatever she wanted to herself.

**********

Mia

When I woke up after taking the very first pill -- and by taking, I mean having it jammed down me without my permission - I thought I was underwater. The air seemed thick and the light bent around me. It reminded me of swimming to the bottom of the pool when I was a little girl, when I would keep my eyes open and look up at the kicking legs above.

Sounds seemed muffled and delayed. Smells and tastes were off.

I imagine my head was encased in clear unflavored Jello.

But it took the edge off the desperate urge to hurt. Myself or Noah or anyone. Is that a fair trade for this numbness?

**********

Noah

Mia turned to me in the middle of watching an episode of Iron Chef and quietly said, "I'm sorry." Then she looked back at the television.

The next day she was in the bathroom. I was leaning against the door and I heard her say -- not to herself but to me - "I'm sorry."

Every day she seemed to make it a point to stop what she was doing and tell me that she was sorry.

Last night we were falling asleep, side by side, facing each other. She reached out and touched me, very gently, on the chest.

"Are you ever going to make love to me again?" she whispered.

By the time I had an answer she was asleep.

**********

Mia

The medication numbed every part of me but my vagina. The longer she went unused the wetter she would get at the slightest provocation. She throbbed when Noah touched me. I started standing real close to him so he would have to push me away.

I wanted my husband to fuck me.

I went into the bedroom and he of course followed me. I took off my pants and slipped off my panties. I held them out to him.

"They're dripping wet," I said, pushing them into his face.

He slapped my hand away and just stood there. We dueled stares until I gave in and put on a fresh pair.

**********

Noah

Mia had taken her pill three hours before, so the violent fit of trembling that seized her was a surprise.

I stepped away from the kitchen table where I had been slicing an onion, prepping for dinner.

"What is it?" I snapped. In retrospect, my tone was harsh. Something was wrong and I was sure it seemed like I didn't care.

She glared at me. "You won't let me fucking go but you won't take me back. I'm ready to fight for us, but you won't let me. I'm sorry, Noah. I'm sorry my brain is fucked and my cunt doesn't work right. I'm tired of saying sorry over and over. When will it be enough? Will it ever be enough?"

I looked away.

"It won't, will it?" She was yelling. "I'll never be sorry enough. You'll see his cock between my legs forever and ever and you will never fuck me again. You'll never let me go either!"

She snatched up the bottle of pills and hurled it against my chest. It hurt.

She started to scream. "SORRY IS JUST WORDS AND WORDS MEAN SHIT, RIGHT? NOAH? I CAN SAY I'M SORRY A MILLION TIMES AND IT WILL JUST BE SHIT!"

The kitchen was very quiet all of a sudden.

Her voice returned to normal. It was calm. Too calm.

"I'm sorry."

Her left hand rested on the cutting board, fingers splayed.

"I'm sorry."

She was repeating it not like a real statement, but more like a magical incantation.

She pulled open a drawer and drew out the cleaver.

"I'm sorry."

She lifted the blade over her head and brought it down hard on her hand.

**********

Mia

I thought it would hurt.

It really didn't.

I raised my hand to get a closer look and blood sprayed all over me. All over Noah, who stood frozen and amazed.

Hell, I was amazed.

**********

Noah

I could have grabbed for her arm, but it was too... fast, too unexpected. I was in shock, and then her blood splattered over me and triggered that reflex that lowers your blood pressure to help keep you from bleeding out.

But it wasn't my blood. I shook myself, then I grabbed her and wrapped a towel around her hand.

I shouted for her to hold onto the towel with her other hand and picked her up and raced her to the car.

**********

Mia

The doctor and the nurse were quite excited by our arrival. They took the towel away and held my hand so tight it hurt. I thought that was odd, that it only started to hurt now. They gave me a shot of some painkillers, and that was when it really started to hurt.

It didn't seem logical, but by then I was too groggy to think it out. I put my head down and watched the world swirl.

The doctor asked where the missing piece was. Noah made this hilarious amazed face and raced back out the door.

Finally, I could have escaped him. But the scheming part of my brain was painted over by the drugs and now this sedative. The majority of my brain just didn't care enough to care. I closed my eyes.

**********

Betsy

I was on my way to therapy, down the hallway leading from the parking lot that goes past the ER entrance. I glanced in the ER and saw Mia on a gurney, her left hand a bulbous mass of white gauze and blue tape that was horribly crimson in spots.

I gasped and ran in. Noah stood by the gurney, holding Mia's right hand. Someone had started an IV line in her arm and there was a blood oxygen monitor clipped to one of her fingers. Noah held her hand awkwardly, carefully, avoiding the monitor.

"What happened?" I said, flustered.

Noah looked up at me. "She cut her finger off."

"Oh. What happened?"

He gave me a look that implied I was unable to spell cat. "She cut. Her finger. Off."

"Oh."

Mia opened her eyes and turned her face up to me. Her pupils were dilated and she seemed not to recognize me.

"They are waiting to take her to Conner City to sew it back on."

I guessed that he meant the missing piece, and was about to say something when Mia's pupils shrank to pinpoints as she looked past me.

I turned. John had walked into the ER. I saw it on his face. It was more than recognition.

I looked at Noah, who was glancing back and forth between his wife and John.

Noah's face went rigid and he stepped toward John.

**********

Noah

Son of a bitch, I should have known. I should have guessed. But it would have only been a guess until this second.

I walked across the ER toward the guy, and with every step I was more and more certain.

He put up his hands, whether to defend himself or to fight he couldn't decide.

He backed away. "Hey, she came on to--"

**********

Betsy

Of course. It had to be John. I knew it the second Noah started toward him.

Noah seemed to know it also. He didn't make a sound. He just swung his right hand up and over John's hands in a high perfect arc that ended with Noah's fist slamming into John's nose.

The ER echoed with cracks and the squishy sound of body fluids being forced out under pressure.

John fell backward against the doors, which opened and allowed him to tumble out into the hallway.

Noah clutched his hand and hopped around grunting in pain. A couple of his fingers stuck out at unnatural angles.

Mia watched this all with lowered lids, then closed her eyes and lay still.

**********

Lawson

I was sitting in the bleachers with some other dads and a few moms watching our oldest son's Little League game when I got the call from Betsy.

"Law," she said. "No therapy tonight."

"Great," I said. Wait, was that a stupid thing to say? How could I take it back in a hurry? "Want to come and watch the game?"

"I can't," she said. "Mia is in the hospital and Noah just got arrested."

"What the--"

"Noah doesn't have the right kind of lawyer for this. Can you call our guy and get a recommendation?"

"How did--"

"I'm going to ride to Conner City with Mia. They need to sew her finger back on."

"Her--"

"Pick up a pizza," she said. "I love you. Gotta go. The ambulance is ready."

"But I--"

She had disconnected. In the meantime, the other team had put two runners in scoring position.

**********

Noah

I was in the county lock up for two days. I had to meet with my new lawyer, arrange bail, and get my broken fingers set. I was taken back to the hospital for that procedure, this time under the guard of a deputy. He was an old high school friend who had played center, so we spent the time reminiscing. Except for when Dr. Campbell set my broken fingers and I passed out for a few minutes.

"For heaven's sake, Noah, hit them with a stick next time," she advised me. As if there were sticks lying around in the ER.

The deputy gave me a ride home. I stood on the front step and waved to him as he drove off.

I hadn't called her when I was in jail. I had given up. If Mia wanted to be gone, then I was tired of stopping her. One-handed, I was not sure I was capable of controlling her even if I wanted to.

I stood in front of the door. No sound but distant muffled hum of tractors working the fields outside town. Wind blew through the trees in my yard.

I wondered if I would keep living here by myself. If I could stand these memories.

She opened the door. Her left hand was encased in green fiberglass covering white fabric.

She came hard into me, almost knocking me off the porch.

"I haven't gone out," she said into my chest. "I took the pill every day."

I swallowed hard and could not speak.

We hugged hard with our good arms, her left hand held out away from us, my right hand held out away from us.

**********

Betsy

It was therapy night, but when I entered the room only John was there. Wide white tape went across his nose and under his blackened eyes. He looked up at me when I came in. I did not sit down.

After a time, he motioned to the empty chairs.

"Where is everyone?"

I wondered how otherwise intelligent men could be so oblivious.

"Well," I said, "first of all, I want to thank you for what you've done for me. I think you have helped me a lot. And I do appreciate it."

He did not reply, and so I continued.

"Mary Jane's husband won't let her come anymore. Jennifer has a new girlfriend. Both of them think that they may need to have counseling, but not from you."

He did not like this news.

"I am not staying. I only came to thank you. I am here because Lawson trusts me."

He could be thinking two things at that point. One was that he wished he had fucked me instead of Mia. The other was that my husband was right to trust me with him because he would never have wanted to fuck me. Either response would have gotten him a fresh shot to the nose.

He was just wise enough not to give them voice.

I turned on my heel. I have always wanted to do that. And walked out.

**********

Mia

The ambulance that had taken me to Conner City seemed empty even with the EMT and the driver constantly chattering with each other. Noah should have been there. He had always been there before. Even when I tried to drive him away the stubborn son of a bitch wouldn't turn me loose. Now that I needed him he had been cuffed and dragged away by the deputies.