Sister Golden Hair Delight Ch. 35

"Nannies, I can't help it, because of the corporation's needs. Boarding school, never. Besides, we have our own school in Malibu." ...and Jimmy had made sure it is a fine one, too.

"What about the child's needs? What about your needs? Are you going to let the company dictate your life like I let my aunts' decisions long ago dictated mine?"

'or like Jimmy let the military dictate his?' I thought.

I was quiet, once again. I felt her hand grip mine, almost pushing me to make a choice.

Jimmy had said 'sometimes you make the decisions, sometimes life makes the decisions for you and you have no control of them.'

"Damn it, you're right. I'm going to tell him tonight. He might not like what he's going to hear, though. There's something I haven't told you. I'm in another relationship at the same time."

"What do you mean?

I was thinking I had already said too much to this woman. How our conversation got to this point, I couldn't even remember. It had all tumbled out by itself.

Philip, I just noticed, was keeping his ever-constant eye on me, silhouetted in the shadows cast by the torches. I should have known he was going to be nearby, no matter where I went.

I was determined to finally have that talk with him that my heart had been demanding for so long a time. What the future had in store for me, for Maria and me, for us and Philip, I did not know but was going to discover as soon as I could.

"I'm sorry," she said, putting her hand back on mine, "I was just a little shocked at what you said. Who is the other man, if I may ask?"

"That's just it, it's not... it's another woman." There, I had said it and I could just see the fiery pits of hell opening to suck me in. My Baptist upbringing rose from the depths of my despair telling me I was damned. Even Jimmy's Catholic Church condemned what Maria and I had and now I wanted to bring in Philip... I was going to hell. Who was I to believe? ...old men who were hypocrites, saying one thing and doing another, who probably never loved anyone but their mothers and maybe not even then, a pack of molesters, liars and uncaring bastards?

Were there a few good priests and ministers in the world? Yes, I've met a few, but I shouldn't have had to look that hard to find them. When religion became 'big business', it lost sight of what Jesus wanted us to do.

Who was throwing stones, now? In the film, 'Inherit the Wind,' Spencer Tracy's character says that there was more sanctity in the power of the human mind than all the shouted 'Hosannas' these Pharisees threw at people like so much nothing.

Who was throwing stones, now?

It was Sayomi's turn to be silent.

"All right," she said. "Well, it depends on how much he loves you, I guess. Do you know if he is interested in you? I would think that's the most important thing to find out. Everything else is just... well, everything else.

"What living arrangements have you considered? Would you each have separate apartments? I don't know how you live over there."

Like a dam that burst, I told her everything from the first day I met Jimmy to the moment we just had. By the time I remembered Philip was standing only feet away listening to every word and turned around, he was gone.

Oh, God, he heard everything and left me alone.

I began crying uncontrollably, feeling that I had destroyed my life once again. I just knew he was going to quit, at the very least appoint someone else to be my watchdog.

I didn't have a tissue, never expecting to need one at the beach and tried to wipe my flowing tears with my sarong. A cloth handkerchief was put into my fingers and I pressed it to my eyes.

"Sayomi... thank you for the..."

She was gone and the dark figure before me lifted me easily from the sand and wrapped me in his arms, his lips seeking mine in the dark, his tongue licking an invitation which I greedily accepted.

Bobby....

With maps posted on the wall and diagrams in hand, I was pointing out to the governor several areas of Maui that had been identified as known marijuana plantations.

"I think you already know this but I'd like to go over it with you together.

"I would like to try to eradicate this area here, first," I said, pointing to a part of the map that highlighted the eastern side of Maui. "As you well know, this is the Hana Forest Reserve, a perfect spot for growers due to its relative isolation and the incredible growing conditions here in the state.

"The Corporation has tested this now for six years and our botanists are confident it poses no threat to anything else. Here, we're on the third generation for some native plants that we've treated, and there has been no die off or genetic mutation.

"More importantly, we've continually exposed them to native animal life, and they have shown no effects one way of the other. I believe we're ready for a full scale test."

"How big did you say your test area here was?"

"It's a full quarter mile square, with a full mile buffer zone on all sides. The effects were seen within the first hour. What you are going to see, tomorrow, has been in place for over three years, following intensive testing in the greenhouses."

"I'm looking forward to seeing it. You have no idea how much I appreciate what you are doing for us."

"Well, you know Miss Alessa and even though I've only been working for her since late September, my attitude toward drug dealers is the same if not harsher. They are a scourge that must be eliminated as fast as possible. No more fooling around with half-ass attempts.

"Once this is proven, we're going to work on something for the poppy fields. However, I don't want to lose the California poppy which would be a personal disaster and one for the state."

"You know I'm a hundred percent behind you and will put whatever state resources you need behind you."

"We won't need anything except a 'get out of jail card.'"

The governor wrinkled his nose. "I seem to smell some fine food calling us. Do you have Coors?"

"Of course, whatever else? I once went to Golden and took the tour; they had an open bar!"

The governor and I left the house and headed back to the luau

Sayomi....

I ran back to the luau. Philip had silently motioned to me to leave and I then knew who Alessa's mystery lover was. Looking back on it, it seemed too obvious.

While the governor and Bobby were discussing the upcoming drug eradication raids, Sella, Christine, the governor's wife, Mathea and I were soon laughing quite loudly at Sella's impressions of America.

I hated to leave Alessa alone on the beach with Philip but I really had no choice. I would have been a bigger impediment to them than the conversation they were going to have with each other.

Both Sella and Christine were quick to emphasize the admiration they had for Colonel Paras and Alessa and how they hoped to have a permanent place in their organization. Where was Paras, anyway? I had only seen her for a few minutes at the start of the party and not since.

The conversation drifted over to Malthea's admiration of Jim Crowell.

"My husband and I had tried over the years to introduce him to several women here and although he had been extremely courteous and quite the gentleman, there never seemed to be any spark.

"When he and Alessa finally discovered each other... He'd thrown his life into the business; he didn't seem to see anything else and all these people he's surrounded himself with, while they're loyal to even dying for him, they couldn't replace a wife and children.

"You know, if we don't get some food, there won't be any left! What do you say?"

"I suppose so," said Sella. Yet, as she stood up, she seemed to be a million miles away. Christine also seemed to be lost in thought over something.

I felt left out.

Sella....

Mathea took us in hand to the buffet which had been set up near a bamboo planting. As we were looking at all the food, I knew this was not the time to stop eating sensibly; I realized my many new clothes weren't going to fit and I had spent thousands of dollars acquiring a new wardrobe.

My new job meant sitting down a lot, the morning exercises were going to kill me if I put on any more weight and hidden in the back of my mind, never too far from my thoughts, was my growing dissatisfaction with being alone. If I turned into a woman with 'secretarial' spread there would be no hope for me and I knew that many might consider me 'damaged merchandise.' Fortunately, the only one who I was sure of knowing what had happened to me was Christine who I considered my sister.

I didn't really feel hungry and was able to just take a sampling of the foods. I did like the pork, though and it was rather difficult to take such a small amount, mostly just a mouthful.

After most of the diners had finished, the dancers and drummers came out, and from the surrounding palms came many colored lights. The rhythmic beat started, calling out some primitive emotion to me as the hula girls began their sultry dance as my blood began to race...

Christine....

When we first flew to America I was unaware of Sella's original interest in Jim, but I did know that after the aftermath of that horrifying night, Sella had lived as if in a convent. With no contact with any men except those working for her uncle, I knew the general would have immediately dismissed any man showing any interest in her and probably makng her life an even more private hell.

I really thought Paolo would have put more attention to his young wife who shamelessly flirted with the men at the villa when he wasn't home. When he called and told me that she had been 'kidnapped and murdered' I could only listen to the emotionless way he described the fatal events. As sure as I was breathing, I knew he had killed her and the men she had been sleeping with.

Then it came as a flash: the two sweet little girls weren't his! Jesus, what a mess. I couldn't blame him, though when later he explained how she was trying to poison him and cuckolded him in his own bed. Italians have a different sense of justice, once in a while equaled by some Americans. Unfortunately, many men will just accept what happened in the insane hope it won't happen again while others would just walk away.

Love and hate are two emotions that motivate almost everything we do in life... but the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. Those men whose wives cheat on them and accept it for some mad wish that she would love him back if he'd only support her happiness... 'it's only sex... I still love you.'

It's a sad thing to have your lover deceive you but to allow it with full knowledge that she is giving to another the passion that should have been yours alone... that's just sick and not worthy of anyone calling himself a man.

Maybe that's it... the lack of worth these men had from birth... the desire for degradation, a masochistic pleasure that I would never understand.

It makes me sick and even though I'm never going to love any man I would hope that I would never care for the woman I do love in such an indifferent manner.

I was intrigued that the general had sent the four of us to America, as if he knew something was going to happen and wanted the only women in his life that had never betrayed him safe.

With the drums still beating in the background, I looked closely at Sella. She was entranced watching the girls dancing, I suppose caught up in her own private world by the primitive call of the islands and I saw that in the torchlight silhouette she was unconsciously touching herself. Thank God, it was dark.

There is something here that I am missing, something past just coming to America and getting a business education working for us. Just, what is it? I know she would have sold her soul to get out of there. What deal with the devil did she make?

As hard as I thought about it, it never occurred to me that Sella would have had an interest in Jim, even one foisted upon her by Paolo in his mad hope to give her a better life.

I looked at my watch. It was almost midnight and the morning's exercise regimen was coming soon enough. Fortunately, the luau was coming to an end, punctuated by the applause of the audience in the distance.

I didn't care; I was going to sleep in.

Some of the staff stayed up to gather the blankets and picnic supplies that could not stay out all night while the morning staff would bring in the rest.

Sella and I escorted the governor's wife back to the house. Having been to the house many times, though, Mathea knew the layout better than we did and bid us goodnight as she entered the guest room she and her husband always used on their visits with Colonel Jim.

I checked in on Delfina and Mimi. We had put them to bed at nine o'clock and they were sound asleep, even through the beat of the drums.

Philip....

Months of frustration melted away as I held Alessa in my arms. Our lips interlocked, our bodies pressed against each other, I could feel her baby bump, the constant reminder to me that she was carrying Jim's baby and I immediately was hard, pushing against her.

I had no right to complain, no right to be jealous. She had been his from the beginning and he had been my best friend. Maybe, that's why he asked me to be her guardian; I was the only one he could trust to keep her safe. I wish I had been able to extend that protection to him. I would have gladly died for him and I knew he would for me and now it had been my responsibility, no my privilege to offer myself to Alessa the same way.

"Philip, I need to talk to you about..."

"I heard everything, Alessa. If you want me, I am here for you, for whatever scraps you can leave me. I have loved you for a long time now, I guess it started after we were together every day walking. I..."

"Philip... please be quiet and just hold me."

I was afraid to hold her any tighter. In a way, I felt uncomfortable with my erection pushing against her stomach. I didn't want to hurt the baby, Jim's baby, Alessa's baby and if she wants, my baby, also. I would love that child with all my heart and be the best father possible, if she wants. I would tell that child about Jim when I was sure it could be understood with all the respect it deserved.

I had talked to my own father and he told me it would take a special man to raise another's as his own if the relationship was an honest one as this one could be. He honestly told me he didn't know a man could raise another's child if the wife had cheated and deceived him and that was how I found out I was adopted.

I told him that he would always be my dad and asked him. He told me a long sad tale of his brother who was killed in a car accident and his brother's pregnant wife who was put into a wheelchair. Now, I knew what had happened to mom and why she was different when I grew up. Thankfully, she did eventually walk again after many painful operations and they had a child of their own, my brother.

My respect for him grew as he spoke to me and finished by telling me there was no shame in loving Alessa and if she somehow loved me back, I would be a very lucky man. He made me swear that if I did marry her, I would always remember his memories of his brother and love and protect the baby that was coming with my new life.

As much as I had told Alessa that I would be satisfied with scraps of her love and I knew that I was going to share her with Maria, somehow, my own territoriality extended to bring her even closer to me. What happened with Maria remained to be seen and I determined to leave that decision to them.

Why was I nervous? Maybe there was something more to their relationship than I thought. What else could there be?

As these thoughts moved around my heart, she looked at me in the dark and asked me to take her back to the beach house. I pulled out the flashlight I always carried after sunset and carefully picked out a safe path on the beach.

********

The walk back to the estate house seemed longer than ever and the darkness matched my trepidation and each step I took, sinking into the sand mirrored the sinking feeling in my stomach.

I was nervous... afraid... terrified of what could happen when we arrived.

I hoped this day would come, in my own way of thinking, when I discovered that Alessa and Maria were lovers. I said I hoped this day would come because I was in love with Alessa and if I were to be accepted by Maria...

As much as I was obsessed with Alessa, I knew that she would never leave Maria. The acknowledgment that both women were bi-sexual had been a hard one for me to admit. To discover I was the third person she loved was a difficult one and yet how was it any different from someone I might have met somewhere else?

Jim had been in love with at least two women that I knew about and I always thought there was something between Maria and him although I never was sure.

And... what of myself? I had a girl during college and another while in the Secret Service... was I really any different from them? I wasn't ambivalent as much as grasping at straws to get what I wanted, what I needed, what I desired. But, to what lengths was I willing to travel in order to have her? At best, the situation was a convoluted mess with a baby, a dead lover, a bi-sexual liaison that seemed permanent, a man that lived with them but in what capacity and now me.

Getting my head finally around that made me feel a little more secure about Alessa but there still was the situation with Maria. It was one thing to be a serial monogamist but sharing was something that I had never done and I wasn't sure whether I could or even wanted to... It reminded me of those 50s romantic comedies on the movie channel with Doris Day and Rock Hudson where the woman or the man is always dating a different person each night. Maybe not... I don't know... but I knew I couldn't give her up... even if I had to share her.

If it had been with another man, that would have killed me and I would have had to leave the Corporation. The idea of another man other than Jim, having her, loving her, fucking her was more than I could bear. To find out that she would have done something like...

Double standard? Probably, but everyone is different when it comes to love and sex. I've been told there are men out there who in some way find the ability to 'share' their wives, or 'wife-swap' or accept the woman having affairs and quietly wait for her to come home and tell him about it or not, to tell him that he's not 'man' enough for her. It somehow made me feel like a cuckolded husband.

I understood that I was coming into a relationship that had already been established between Maria and Alessa and if anyone might be upset, it was Maria.

Maria....

Alessa and I had agreed to meet with Philip, explain what the situation was and leave what happened next to him. I've watched them together, once Alessa told me of her attraction to him. It was obvious that he was in love with her but was that love strong enough to withstand what we were going to propose? On the face of it, it seemed like any man would want to jump right in but I knew Philip was cut from a different cloth.

Both Alessa and I needed a man in our bed. It was inevitable. Both she and I are still in love with Jim or at least the memory of the man. Alessa obviously swings both ways although I'm unsure when that happened. Did my own actions lead her down that path? I was so lonely and I had grown to love her very much.

Michael, God bless him, was becoming the man I had hoped for when I met him on the aircraft carrier. While his submissiveness to strong women was something that I could work with, he was slowly regaining the rest of his masculinity thanks to Alessa. Working with her every day, giving him serious work to do with people depending upon him, that was the impetus he needed to assert himself.