Sisters Ch. 04: Acceptance

"Aww," said Donna. "You're in love!"

Hannah raised her head and said sharply, "No, I'm not in love. I'm in heat."

"No, it's love alright," Donna corrected her. "It's your own twisted version of it, but it's love alright. If it was just lust, you wouldn't be here."

"Shut up or I leave."

"It's all the same to me," Donna smirked, glad to finally have some leverage over her sister. She stood up and took her spoon to the sink. Then, smiling, she made a bed for Hannah in the guest room.

*******

"Donna?"

Someone... Hannah... was saying her name in the darkness. She looked at her clock -- 3a.m.

"What?" she asked groggily, not raising her head from the pillow.

"Have you ever been in love?" Hannah's voice was soft, slightly quavering, vulnerable.

"I'm in love with the idea of sleeping right now," she muttered.

"Never mind," Hannah said, and Donna felt the weight of her sister's body rise from the foot of the bed.

"Wait..." she sighed. "I'm sorry, gimme a sec." Donna sat up and rubbed her eyes. Neither of the women made a move to turn on the light.

"I thought I was in love once... or twice," Donna answered. "But I don't think it's love if it only goes one way. Or if it doesn't last."

"Slept with them?" Hannah asked frankly.

"Yeah," Donna whispered, not wanting to talk more about it.

Hannah sat silent for a few moments, then asked, "What did it feel like? Love, I mean. Not the sex."

Donna sighed and pulled her knees to her chest. "Excited. Scared. Like anything was possible. Like you want them to see your naked soul. Naked bodies are just... just a step towards something much more intimate."

Hannah thought for a minute and then asked, "Why scared?"

"Because everything changes. You stop being the center of your own world and suddenly everything orbits around this other person. It's disorienting. And maybe part of you knows how much this person could hurt you."

Hannah didn't speak for a while, and Donna felt herself drifting off. But then, in a voice that Donna barely recognized as her sister's, she said sadly, "I think I am in love."

Half-asleep, but sensing her sister's fear, Donna said, "I'm sorry."

Hannah replied softly, "Thanks."

Donna heard a sniffle in the dark and a shifting on the bed. "Donna?"

"Yeah?"

"You really don't see how pretty you are, do you?"

Donna bit her lip and breathed deeply. "You wanna hear something really sick and pathetic?"

"No. But go ahead."

"When you told me that Daddy had raped you... and... and Penny... my first thought..."

She paused and breathed in, her voice shaking and her eyes watering. Hannah sniffled in the darkness.

"My first thought was, 'Why not me? Wasn't I pretty enough?'" Donna dropped her head to her knees and cried. "And I know that's so pathetic and wrong and I don't want to minimize all the trauma he put you through and that I should be glad he didn't touch me and I really am but, Hannah... he didn't love me at all, not even enough to notice me."

Donna wanted and almost expected her sister to move closer and put her arm around her. She needed to be touched. But instead, Hannah stood up and headed towards the door.

"I hate him," she rasped, her voice saturated with venom.

Donna listened to the door shut firmly behind Hannah, then sat awake in the darkness. She tried to hate her father, she really did. But she couldn't. All she felt was an ache, a hunger to be noticed and the sadness of not being good enough.

*******

The next day, Donna emerged from her room mid-morning, somewhat nervous about Hannah's potential mood that day.

"When did you get up?" she yawned to her sister, who was busily putting plates on the table.

"Sometime yesterday morning," Hannah replied tersely.

While Donna considered that answer, Hannah explained, "I don't always sleep." Then, as Donna nodded in understanding, Hannah added, "And I'm pretty anxious today."

"Today's the day?" Donna asked, knowing the answer.

"For better or worse," her sister muttered, bringing to the table a plate piled high with bacon.

Donna's eyes widened in surprise at the size of the pile, and she asked, "Are we expecting company? Like... twenty people?"

Hannah shrugged and said, "I don't much know how to cook. And... my mind wasn't exactly on what I was doing. I stopped when I ran out of bacon."

Putting a few slices on her plate, Donna said, "Well, I guess the leftovers will go well on salad..."

A few minutes into the meal, Hannah's phone rang. She jumped from her chair, looking at the number and washing down her food with a gulp of coffee.

Donna watched her sister hurry to the living room and pace nervous circles around the coffee table.

"Hey," Hannah answered with feigned casualness. She twirled her hair with one finger.

"Yeah, at my sister's place in Nashville right now."

Donna watched, frustrated at how unreadable her sister's expressions could be at times. For nearly two minutes, Hannah listened in stone-faced silence, occasionally nodding in response, even though Wes couldn't see her.

"Well that's... not quite what I expected, but..." she said calmly, then paused.

"Yeah, I understand that, but..."

After another pause, Hannah lowered her voice. Donna could still make out her words, however. "Look, if sexual tension is your concern then I don't think avoiding sex is the way to go right now. I could be at your place in twenty minutes to solve that problem."

As she listened to Wes's response, Hannah closed her eyes, bared her teeth, and raised a balled fist in the air. Then forcing herself to calm down, she said, "Look, I'm not some kind of nun. I have needs, too, you know."

After a few seconds, she said in a strained voice, "You are so... so..." Hannah was going to say 'weird,' but she restrained herself and, in a controlled, calm voice, said, "You are so right."

She nodded her head as Wes spoke, then said, "Tomorrow then. I'm looking forward to it."

Hannah ended the call with an exaggerated pressing of her thumb, then tossed the phone onto the couch. Watching it land, she stood in the living room for a moment, then returned to the table and put a heaping helping of bacon on her plate. Donna watched her pour syrup on the bacon, watched her take a first and second bite, and then finally said, "Well?"

Hannah looked up as if startled by Donna's presence in the room. Then, becoming more aware of her surroundings, she wiped her mouth and said, "He wants to try dating again."

"That's great! Right?"

Hannah shrugged. "Like, from the beginning, from scratch. Like we're strangers. He wants to take a walk along the river tomorrow and 'get to know each other.'"

"And you don't like that because..."

Hannah looked up from her plate and answered sharply, "Because there's no guarantee how things will turn out in the end. There's no way to know if...if this will even work out. He still might say no. I feel like... like..."

"Like you have no control?" Donna volunteered.

"Yes! And on that note, sex is off the table for now. It took me almost a month to get him in bed the first time. What am I going to do for a month, Donna? I have needs," she insisted, pointing her fork towards herself.

"What did he say when you told him that?"

"He said that 'the essence of love is setting aside your needs for the sake of the one you love.'"

"Aww," Donna smiled. "He sounds sweet."

Hannah scowled. "He sounds like a fucking Hallmark card."

Donna smiled. "In any case," she said, "I look forward to meeting him. Maybe I'll bump into you tomorrow. Steve and I are taking a walk along the river, too."

Relishing the chance to turn the conversation away from her frustration, Hannah leaned in and said, "Oh, really? Just a friendly walk along the river with the guy who isn't interested in you in that way? Maybe I should take that to mean that Wes doesn't like me in that way either. Apparently the walk along the river is just something you do with people you don't care about."

"Hannah, don't be a bitch," Donna said politely, standing to clear the table of dishes.

"I prefer 'truth-teller,'" Hannah said, joining her in the kitchen.

"We'll see," Donna murmured.

*******

"Hey, isn't that your sister... uh... Haley?" Steve asked, pointing towards a bench.

Donna looked in the direction he was pointing and smiled. "So it is. Her name's Hannah, by the way."

Without discussing it, they both turned in the direction of the bench where Hannah and Wes were sitting and talking. Hannah noticed them walking up, and she rose to meet them. Wes followed her lead, and when he was introduced to Donna, he looked surprised.

"I hadn't known until yesterday that Hannah had a sister," he said "and one nearby, no less. I'm happy to meet you."

"You too," Donna said, sizing Wes up as well as she could. Her guess, which she later learned was correct, was that Wes had been a late bloomer. He had been the high school and college geek who had cultivated a kind and sincere personality before his looks had developed to the point of catching the attention of the women he was interested in.

Hannah was visibly nervous during the conversation, realizing it probably looked like she had planned for Donna to come by. But Steve mentioned how he had wanted to get out there since moving into town a few weeks ago and that Donna had been kind enough to agree to go with him. Steve and Wes chatted for a minute, but found very little common ground at first. Not wanting to risk further awkwardness, Hannah said, "Wes, we should get walking again. I'm starting to get chilly."

The two couples parted ways, and Donna turned around several times to watch Hannah and Wes depart. One of those times, she caught Hannah looking back at her, as well.

Not long after they had moved on, Steve cleared his throat and said, "Donna, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure," she answered, her mind still on her sister.

"I'd really like to... you know... hold your hand while we walk."

Donna was quiet for a moment, then answered, "That's not really a question, Steve."

He laughed bashfully, putting his head down before looking at her and smiling. "OK, how's this, then? Donna, I want to be more than friends. I know you could do a lot better than me, but since you've put up with me this long, would you consider... you know... dating me?"

Donna felt her chest tighten up. Internally one voice squealed in happiness while another warned, Danger! Danger! He'll leave you once someone better comes along!

After a dozen or so steps passed in silence, Steve spoke again. "So if I've been misreading you and the answer is no, then that's OK, I'll try not to make it awkward. But if it's yes, then... I'd really like to hold your hand while we walk."

Donna tried to keep her rapid breathing from being too loud, but she couldn't stop the puffs of air from floating up and betraying her agitated state. She looked out at the river and wiped a tear from her cheek. She wasn't even sure what had caused it to fall. Looking ahead, she could see from her peripheral vision that Steve had slipped his glove off of the hand nearest her.

You're not the kind of girl guys stay with. It's a waste of time. Wait until you're thinner: he'll like you more.

She was used to those voices. They seldom left her alone for long. But then, unbidden, came Hannah's voice. Don't let him win.

Gritting her teeth in determination, Donna inhaled deeply, pulled off her glove, and took Steve's hand. It was warm to her touch, and just the feel of it made her heart flutter. Steve assumed she was shaking from the cold. In truth, she was sweating in terror.

Looking straight ahead, both of them smiled.

*******

"I swear, you are the most boring person I've ever known. I can't even believe we're related." Hannah was leaning back on the couch, holding a glass of orange juice and covering her eyes with her hand.

"I don't think I'm boring," Donna said defensively. She hadn't anticipated spending Christmas and New Years with Hannah, but she had played a few local shows during the holidays, and with her album almost finished, she wasn't going to fly home. Besides, she wasn't sure if should could face her father yet, not after all she'd learned lately.

"Ugh! It's New Year's Day. We spent all last night watching TV. Is this normal for you?"

"It's normal for most people... I think," Donna said, trying not to sound insecure. She was also trying not to sound nervous. Steve had been booked for a series of out-of-state shows over the New Year holiday, keeping him on the road for almost a week. They had been dating for a month now, but Donna was still insecure. They hadn't slept together yet, though they had progressed to some exciting make-out sessions on the couch. During one of them, she was beginning to take off her shirt when they heard Hannah unlocking the door. Donna still didn't know how far she would have been willing to go that night if they hadn't been interrupted. But long after Steve had left, she woke up from a very intense dream and rubbed herself to such a climax that she had to roll over and bite her pillow, lest she wake up her sister in the next room.

What still held Donna back, though, was the fear -- the near-certainty -- that Steve would soon find someone more attractive than her. And that's why she was so nervous that week. Steve wasn't alone on his road trip. Sure, he had a roadie and a sound guy and someone working promotions, but there was also Fiona.

Fiona was nice and friendly and perky and talented and had a good future in country music. Fiona was also a gorgeous redhead with a perfect body, a flawless face, and everything that Donna knew she couldn't compete with. A week on the road with Fiona was... well, Donna had spent the week bracing for the inevitable. She and Steve talked on the phone almost every morning, but she couldn't imagine he wasn't comparing her to the perfect specimen in the next hotel room.

He would be back that afternoon. She'd find out then.

"No, it's not normal," Hannah was saying. "Most people go out and party."

"No one forced you to stay here," Donna said confidently. She knew Hannah's rant was mostly bluster. Hannah had been reluctantly learning that her former lifestyle had never made her happy. It had been mostly an act, an act that Hannah was having a hard time letting go.

"Well, maybe I just didn't want to leave you here wallowing in your insecurities," Hannah muttered.

"How charitable of you," Donna replied sarcastically. "And when does Wes get back?"

Hannah sneered at her sister. Yes, she was in a bad mood because Wes was also gone for the holidays, visiting his parents out of state. And he had been staunchly against having her travel with him. We're not at that point in our relationship yet, he had told her. Which was pretty much the same thing he had said the past three or four times she'd tried to move them towards a more physical relationship.

Before leaving on Christmas Eve, he had at least kissed her. It had been a long, gentle kiss at the door to his place. Hannah had hoped it was an invitation to take her shoes off again and stay the night, but then he broke the kiss and said, "I'll see you in a week." Hannah had left there frustrated, ready to lock herself in the bedroom and release some of the sexual tension she was feeling. She hadn't even noticed that she had surprised Donna and Steve on the couch.

"He gets back tonight, but he can't see me because he has to be back at work tomorrow," Hannah growled.

"Tomorrow night, then?" Donna asked.

"No. Friday. It's like he doesn't even miss me. At this rate, I bet you'll see some action before I do," Hannah said, mostly to herself.

Donna half-smiled and shook her head. The chirping of her phone got her attention. It was Steve.

Home in a couple hours. Dying to see you, but I'm going to need to crash first. Dinner?

Donna sighed. Sounds good, she replied.

*******

Steve did not break up with her that night, but had instead been excited to talk with her about his road trip. He pressed her for advice, entertained her with stories, asked about her week, and in every way made it feel like everything was normal. Better than normal, even. He had missed seeing her, he said. They walked back to her place, talking as they went and holding hands.

"What was it like sharing a stage with Fiona?" Donna asked. Sharing a stage wasn't the main thing she was interested in, but it was the safest question she could ask.

Steve laughed a little and shook his head. "Fiona is..." Donna's heart felt like it stopped while Steve searched for the right words. He looked at her eyes, narrowed his own, and asked cautiously, "Are you two good friends?"

Donna rapidly shook her head. "We've never clicked... just a client," she answered.

"OK," Steve said, relaxing. "Fiona is a little self-involved. It's like she thinks she's a bigger star than she is. I mean, she's talented... I get that. But please don't book me with just her again! It was painful to have to listen to her talk. Especially in that fake accent."

"Her accent is fake?"

"I would put money on it. That girl is not country at heart."

"But she's got the look, right?"

"Well, yeah. That'll get her far, but she..." Steve paused and looked at Donna. When he searched her eyes, his face softened. "Oh God, Donna. Did you think...?"

Donna was mad that she was exposed as the insecure girlfriend. She held back tears but didn't dare let herself speak. Instead, she just shrugged. Steve leaned in and held her chin with his hand. Pulling her face closer, he kissed her softly.

"I don't think I could ever be interested in a girl like her," he said. "Especially when there's a girl like you around."

"A girl like me?" Donna asked, trying but failing not to read into his words.

"There's only one girl like you, sweetie," he smiled. "And I'm lucky I found her."

At that point they were walking up to her building. Donna squinted her eyes, trying to decide whether to invite him up. Just then, Steve yawned.

"Sorry," he said. "I didn't get to sleep this afternoon. I still need to crash early."

"Friday?" Donna asked, not realizing that Steve had not been privy to the internal process that had boiled down to that one word.

"Hmm?" he asked.

"Can you come over on Friday? Let me make you dinner."

"OK," he said with a grin. "What can I bring?"

"Something sweet?"

"I'll be over right after my meeting with Patch."

"Great," said Donna, then threw herself at Steve, almost knocking him over as she wrapped him in a tight embrace. Hannah would be gone with Wes on Friday, leaving her and Steve alone for a few hours. She would go as far as she dared with him that night.

*******

Hannah was just pulling into Wes's driveway on Friday night when Donna called.

"What?" she asked, slightly annoyed. She knew Steve was coming over and that Donna was nervous, and she did not want her evening ruined by Donna freaking out on her.

"Can you, um... text me before you get home tonight? Like, when you're on your way?"

Hannah was silent for a few seconds. Why would...? Oooohhhh shit.

"Yeah," she said coolly. "I'll text you when I leave Wes's place, OK? That'll give you about a half hour."

"Thanks!" Donna replied, hanging up quickly.

"Go get 'im, girl," Hannah said as she put her phone in the purse. She felt proud of her sister, hopeful that she was finally going to take that next step -- the step that would defy the insecurities that had been seared into her soul from childhood. So what if their father hadn't loved Donna? There were plenty of men who would truly love her, if she could only see that. Steve seemed to be one of them.