Sleepwalking

The words grabbed Connie like someone was squeezing her heart.

"We've both known heartache and pain, haven't we?" Matt said as they danced cheek to cheek.

She'd forgotten all about his wife and felt horrible for being so self-centered. She looked into his eyes and said, "Yes. Yes, we have."

The next words from the song were, "I'm gonna take a little time, a little time to look around me, I've got nowhere left to hide, it look like love has finally found me."

"Are you looking?" Matt asked. "For love?"

Connie smiled weakly then asked, "Aren't we all?"

"I don't know," Matt said as they continued to dance. "I found it once and then, in an instant, it was gone."

"I really am sorry," Connie told him.

"Thank you. And the same goes for you."

He waited a few seconds then asked her again if she was looking.

"I...I think I am. I'm just not sure how or where to even start."

"I completely understand," Matt told her. "I think that, deep down anyway, I'd like to have that feeling again. I just...I'm not sure that's even possible."

As the singer sang the words, "I want to feel what love is, I know you can show me," Matt looked at Connie and waited for her to look at him.

"Maybe...you can show me," he said with no hint of a smile.

The music was loud but not so loud she couldn't clearly hear him speak in a normal tone of voice.

"Don't laugh, but I was thinking the same thing. About you," she told him, barely able to believe she'd just said those words.

"We're a pretty pathetic pair, aren't we?" Matt said, but this time with a smile.

"We are indeed," Connie agreed as they smiled at one another before Matt pulled her closer.

She let go of his hand and slid that arm around his neck. When she did, he put both arms around her waist as her other arm went around his neck, as well. Neither of them spoke, and they stopped dancing and just held one another as they sort of turned in a circle until the song ended.

"Thank you," Connie said as he slowly let go of her.

"No. Thank you. Really," Matt insisted as he again offered his arm. "I'd offer you another drink, but the bar is closed. Or so I've been told."

"Right. And you would know, huh?" she said with a nervous laugh of her own.

"Listen. I don't know how long you plan on staying, but there's a place not too far from here that's quiet. I'd really like it if we could maybe just sit and talk a little."

Connie looked at him and after thinking about it for a moment or two said, "That sounds really nice."

She stayed for another hour until her daughter and new husband left for their honeymoon then touched based with the event planner in case there were any problems before leaving. Between the wedding and the reception, she was going to need a year or two to pay off the cost, but it was truly a small price to pay for her daughter to have the dream wedding she'd always wanted.

She agreed to meet Matt at this quaint little place he liked, and although it was just to talk, she still felt a little odd about doing it. In fact, had it not been for the unusual connection they shared, she'd have never even considered it. But because he was someone who understood what it was like to lose the love of a lifetime, she was willing to at least sit down and talk with him.

Matt was already there and stood up when Connie walked in. There were only a handful of people, and she saw him wave and headed his way.

"Can I get you anything?" he asked.

"Oh, no. It's too late for food or coffee, and I don't need another drink."

"They have a really good chamomile tea here," Matt told her.

"You know what? That sounds perfect."

He caught someone's eye and ordered two.

"I have a confession to make," Matt said with a smile.

"Oh, no. Already?" Connie teased.

He laughed and promised he hadn't been unfaithful, and that made her laugh.

"No. I mentioned not knowing anyone named Connie, so while I was waiting I googled your name. Well, your first name."

She laughed again the told him she was happy to know he hadn't run a background check on her.

"I did not do that, but I did find someone named Connie. And I have to say she bears a strong resemblance to you."

Matt handed her his phone, and when she looked down, Connie smiled.

"Connie Selleca. I always thought she was so beautiful."

Matt smiled as he said, "So you agree with me."

"About?" the very confused woman asked.

Connie'd already forgotten she was being compared to the beautiful actress who was her namesake and now 64 years old.

"How you're both very beautiful women."

Matt watched her react and shake her head then told her, "Except I'd say you're even more beautiful than her. But I will admit the other Connie was...all that...when she was starring in "Hotel".

"Yes! I loved that show! She was gorgeous then, and James Brolin was so handsome!" Connie said as she handed the phone back.

Matt made a little face that resembled a wince and said, "Sorry. When I looked her up I saw the name of that TV series, but it was a bit before my time."

Connie found herself laughing again then said, "Right. You did tell me your age, and let's see."

He saw her doing the subtraction in her head, and when he realized she was struggling, he told her when he was born.

"I was born in 1981, and the series premiered in 1983."

He saw the surprise on her face, but before he could ask, Connie shook her head and said, "Oh, my. In 1981 I was...in college."

Again, Matt was looking at her face and trying to make the numbers work.

"I'd never accuse a woman of not being truthful, so...okay," he said with a smile that indicated he didn't really believe her.

Connie realized what he meant and returned the smile before saying, "I didn't take you for a flatterer."

"That's because I'm not," Matt replied with a hint of phony smugness.

"Excuse me, but I believe you compared me to Connie Selleca, and in my book, that is flattery indeed."

Matt chuckled then thanked her for agreeing to join him just as their tea arrived.

After a first sip, Matt got a little more serious then asked if it would be okay to ask a question.

"Of course."

"Are you...have you been able to put the loss of your husband behind you?"

"Oh. Wow. That's a difficult question."

"Sorry. I don't mean to stir up old wounds."

"No. Not at all," Connie assured him. "But I guess the best way I can put it is to say that I've learned to compartmentalize. I still miss him dearly, but perhaps I've come to grips with the fact that he's never coming back."

She saw Matt looking at her and wondered if she'd made any sense.

"Did that help at all?" she asked.

"Yes. Thank you."

She waited for a few moments then asked whether or not he'd been able to.

He looked down at his teacup, took a long, slow sip, then tried to answer her.

"I don't know. It...it still haunts me."

"I'm sorry. I don't know much about war other than it's terrible. I can't really even imagine."

Without looking at her, Matt said, "There was an attack on her convoy. She was the convoy commander and in the lead vehicle. The ambush began with a dozen or more RPG rounds..."

Matt stopped to explain that RPG meant rocket-propelled-grenade and what they did when they hit something like a Humvee.

"Anyway, one of them hit the cab, and it also hit Casey...directly."

Connie felt her entire body tighten in horror as she tried to imagine the unspeakable outcome.

"Matt. You don't have to say anything else," she told him with more sympathy and empathy than she'd ever felt for anyone before.

"I'll just say that it had to be a closed-casket service and leave it at that."

"Do they...do they really come to your door?" Connie asked as gingerly as she could.

"Yes. Unless you're on active duty, too."

"Oh. I...I didn't even consider that as a possibility."

"The CO, the commanding officer of my battalion, came to see me. That wasn't all that unusual because I was a company commander, but most often the CO summons you to go see him. He asked me to walk with him back to his small, private tent then he sat me down and told me what happened."

For as long as she could remember, Connie had been the one telling her story of loss with other people offering their condolences. Sure, there had been another friend or two who'd lost love ones, but this was the most gut-wrenching story she'd ever heard.

Her body let go of some of the tension which was replaced by watery eyes she couldn't stop from crying.

Matt was so moved by the genuine feelings that he reached over and put his hand on hers.

"It's okay."

"I should be the one comforting you," Connie said as she reached for a paper napkin.

"It's just so unusual to talk with anyone who even understands. Finding someone who does, and who also cares is even more so."

"Thank you for saying that, Matt. I feel the same way about you."

He waited for her to finish dabbing her eyes again then smiled.

"I'm really glad you agreed to talk to me."

"I'm really glad you asked me," Connie told him as she smiled back in a friendly, sympathetic way.

When she did, she looked down and saw his hand, and that caused him to slowly move it away and apologize.

"No. I...I wasn't upset. I think I was just unaware that you'd put your hand on mine."

"I may be young—relatively speaking—but I am kind of old fashioned, and when I see a woman crying, I can't really help myself from wanting to comfort her."

"That was my late husband—Eric," Connie said rather wistfully. "He was so kind and caring and...so very handsome."

When Matt smiled she said, "Like you."

He thanked her then returned to her question.

"But as far as getting over it, I guess the answer is 'no'. It's been 12 years, and I've never been serious with another woman."

"Maybe you just haven't met the right one," Connie said in a supportive way.

"They all seem so...unserious."

His somber look changed to a smile as he asked, "Is that even a word?"

Connie laughed and told him she thought it might be but didn't know.

"At any rate, they all dismiss Casey's death with something like, 'I'm really sorry for your loss'. I don't doubt their sincerity, but it seems rather..."

"Trite?"

"Yes. Thank you. It is...trite. But then again, I can't expect them to understand, you know? I mean, unless you've been through this, who possibly could?"

"I understand completely," Connie told him. "Until I lost Eric, I used to say the same thing because I didn't know what else to say."

Matt looked at her again for a couple of seconds and marveled at how well she understood the way he felt.

"Exactly," he finally said.

"Do you think you ever will get remarried, or do you even want to?"

"I don't know. I buried myself in the mission in Iraq after that until we got home. I'd planned on staying in for a career, but I...I just couldn't focus after what happened. And you can't be responsible for other men's lives if you don't have your sh...your act together."

"I've heard the word before," Connie said very sweetly and with a beautiful smile.

"I'm sure you have, but I don't use profanity around women."

Matt then smiled and added, "Especially around beautiful women."

"Oh, my goodness! There you go again!" Connie told him, even as a warm wave of emotion washed over her.

"How's your tea?" Matt asked in order to avoid more comments about him just flattering her. In a way he had been. And in another he was being completely honest because Connie was a very attractive woman and as nice as any he'd ever met.

"It's wonderful. This was perfect."

With that out of the way, they spent another 20 minutes or so talking with family and work taking up most of the conversation.

When Connie asked what he did for a living, she was surprised that his answer surprised her so much.

"I own a catering business. Tonight I had someone else lined up to tend bar at your reception, but she called me this afternoon with an emergency. She has a two-year old son who got an earache, so I filled in. I don't do that very often, but I have to say I'm really glad I did."

Connie smiled as another wave hit her and said, "So am I, Matt."

As they got ready to leave, Matt insisted on paying, something else Connie found appealing about this very handsome, younger man. It was that she expected him to, but it was what a gentleman did, and the fact that he insisted impressed her. He also walked her to her car and opened her door, and that impressed her even more.

The door was still open when Matt said, "Listen. I had a really nice time tonight. Is there any chance you might want to do this again sometime?"

She had the same feeling she'd had earlier when he asked her to join him after the reception. There just wasn't any way she would ever say 'yes' to someone his age, but he wasn't like anyone his age she'd ever known, so she looked up at him for a few seconds then said, "Yes. I think I'd like that."

He asked for her phone and gave her his number then asked for hers.

"It was really enjoyable talking with you, Connie," he told her after giving her phone back.

"I feel the same way, Matt. I have to tell you I would never have accepted your invitation had you not gone through the same terrible experience I did."

Before he could say he agreed, Connie apologized.

"Matt? I did not mean to imply that my husband's passing was in any way as horrible as what happened to your wife. I only met that we..."

"I understand, and it really doesn't matter how we lose them. As it says somewhere in the Bible, 'death is no respecter of persons' right?"

Connie wasn't much of a churchgoer, but she was pretty sure it said, "God is no respecter of persons," but she wasn't about to quibble because the sentiment was still true.

"No. No it isn't," she said as Matt thanked her again and wished a good night.

"Thank you, and same to you."

He closed her door then waited for her to drive off before going over to his own car and getting in. He sat there for a good five minutes and tried to sort through the events and feelings he'd experienced since meeting her and just shook his head.

"Wow," was the only word he spoke before turning the ignition on and heading home.

Matt had back-to-back-to-back jobs the next day and had no time to touch base with Connie. But the following morning he made texting her the first thing on his 'to do' list.

"Good morning! I apologize for the silence yesterday, but I was so busy I couldn't think. Today isn't nearly as hectic, and I wanted to see if you might like to get together again sometime this week. I don't know your schedule, and mine changes all the time, but I really want to see you again, Connie. In spite of the insane pace at work, I found myself thinking about our brief conversation and it made me smile many times.

The weather is getting warmer, and I was thinking about something outdoors. If that's acceptable, I really enjoy both Lakeside Park as well as Kreager Park. If you're not an outdoor person, no problem. There are dozens of indoor places to go.

I hope you're well and look forward to seeing you again."

It was early, so Matt didn't know when she'd see it, but Connie was up, too, and the moment she saw his text, she smiled. She'd gotten one from Mckenzie, as well, just to let her know they'd arrived safely. She laughed when she thought about why her daughter didn't say anything more about what they were doing.

She laughed again when she recalled that, but she also sighed when she thought about how long it had been she'd done that before reading Matt's text. As she read it she realized that she was disappointed he hadn't said anything the day before, and even though she was a mature woman who should be beyond such trivialities, she knew there was something different about Matt. It was probably nothing more than their shared tragedies, but nevertheless, she'd felt a small amount of hurt.

Now she felt small and silly, and yet she was very happy to hear from him. And the words he wrote made her feel even better.

"No worries at all, Matt. I'm just happy to hear from you! I'm not an outdoor girl, per se, but I do love both of those places. I tend to be a bit more traditional, so given the choice, I think Lakeside would be wonderful. Now we just have to try and figure out the when and where, right? I also enjoyed our time together very much. It's so rare to ever meet anyone who understands, and there are times when I feel like the other person not only doesn't get it, but maybe they don't even care. But you get and you also care, and that's very valuable to me. So, yes, I'd love to get together with you again this week."

Connie gave him her schedule then hit 'send' and waited as she sipped a cup of coffee. She'd recently gone back to work as a secretary for a legal firm, and although she had a fancier title, 'secretary' was still an apt description of what she did.

As she sat there in the quiet of her home she couldn't quite decide how she felt about all of this. Yes, it was nice to have someone to talk to, especially someone who understood the most significant event in her life. But even so, Matt was never going to be anything but a friend. She almost laughed when she thought about a woman having a male best friend who was gay, but Matt wasn't gay. And yet that was basically what this amounted to, because there wasn't any way it could ever be...

His reply arrived causing her to set her coffee cup down and forget about her age-related musings as she read it.

"Then Lakeside it is. As to the time, our schedules don't leave much of it. I think I need to just block out a couple of hours when you're available, so how about next Saturday around 10am? I could also do 2 o'clock if that's better."

The weather was getting better, but Connie wasn't sure how warm it would be at 10am, so she suggested 2pm instead.

Matt surprised her when he asked if he could stop by and pick her up, and she almost insisted on meeting him. But she also felt like she could trust him, so she told him that would be fine and gave him her address.

Connie almost never worked on the weekend, but as luck would have it, she was asked if she could come in on Saturday. Her boss was a man about her age, and although he'd never said or done anything to cause her concern, she was sure he was attracted to her. When she initially tried to beg off, he pleaded with her. She asked if a half day would be enough, and to her surprise he told her that would be fine.

"I'll pay you time and a half, and...I'll own you one, Connie," he told her.

She almost said, "You won't owe me anything," when he shocked her by asking her out.

"Listen. I was thinking that we could, well, if you'd like, I could take us out for lunch after. You know, as a way of thanking you for coming in."

He was a kind, decent man, but Connie just couldn't think of him that way. She told him how thoughtful that was then, to her surprise, she said, "I...I'm actually kind of seeing someone, and we...we have a date."

"Oh. I'm sorry. I had no idea," he replied, as he tried to hide his disappointment. "He's a very lucky guy."

Having 'escaped' unharmed, Connie texted Matt to let him know she'd have to meet him there after all and explained the reason why.

"Sure. No problem at all," he texted back. "If anyone understands work getting in the way of having a social life, it's me."

It wasn't a deep thought or even anything all that important, but it made Connie realize that he not only understood losing a spouse, he also understood how some things were beyond one's control. Maybe it was nothing, but it was something else she found...appealing...about him.

Matt was at the park waiting when she arrived, and when he saw her, he came over to her car and opened the door. She hadn't had time to go home and change, and after the way he reacted, Connie was actually glad she hadn't.