Smile

The following story is my Valentine's Card to my beautiful bride, Kate. Some of what follows is fiction, some of it is based on events that led to our twenty-plus year love affair. I'm placing this one in 'Romance' and keeping the actual sex private. Happy Valentine's Day.

SMILE

It was her smile that first caught my attention, the best way to describe it is 'open'. The kind of smile where the entire face is engaged - her eyes, cheeks, nose and mouth. She'll have lines on her face when she grows old, but they'll be laugh lines and, if I'm lucky, I'll still be alive to see them every morning when I wake and every night before I close my eyes.

She was one of the thirty people here to take a tour of the Fermilab facilities. Ten House Representatives and their staff, half from the Energy Committee and half from the Appropriations Committee; here to decide whether Fermilab had a future considering the European consortium CERN was building a particle accelerator outside Geneva, Switzerland several time more powerful than ours here in Batavia, Illinois.

I was one of the two tour guides; my fellow public relations co-worker Tom Gunnar was the other. I gave a short slide presentation to start, an orientation explaining our research at Fermilab. Our job was to convince this group -- most likely none of whom has taken a Physics class since leaving high school but who now held our future - why Fermilab would be relevant after the CERN facility was operational in eight years. Some members of the committee were ready to cut our funding, thinking our research would become redundant.

I saw her across the room and for some reason felt we had a connection. It's still hard to explain, but it was there. Despite my nervousness I did a professional job, finishing my canned presentation, and we split into two different groups to allow each group a better opportunity to hear and ask questions during the tour. Tom took half and I took the other half.

Was it lucky or unlucky that she was assigned to Tom's group? Probably lucky because it allowed me to concentrate on my responsibilities, except for the moment when our two groups crossed paths on the tour. She caught my eye and flashed that smile -- I smiled back. Immediately after that moment passed I looked to my left to see an older woman grinning at me. She knew.

"Can you tell me her name?"

The woman barely held the laughter out of her reply. "Her name is Katherine Pricer, everyone calls her Kate. She's a member of Thompson's staff, the Representative from Southwestern Washington."

I knew there was no way to pursue the affair, the moment we shared would be just that, two smiles between strangers.

***

A year later I was recruited by a bio-tech company based out of Seattle to be their chief spokesperson. My undergrad chemistry degree and my MBA with a Marketing emphasis puts me in a unique position, recruited by tech/science firms. Now I was given an excellent opportunity to escape the brutal Midwest cycle of cold winters and hot summers. Seattle, although it sits on the same latitude as International Falls, Minnesota, has a very temperate climate. Winter lows in the thirties (not thirty-below) and summer highs in the low eighties.

It was a warmer than normal May afternoon, the sun was shining, the Sunday Street Farmers' Market was in full swing down below from the pub where my teammates and I were celebrating our win over a rival softball team. I was just finishing a toast with my first pint when I saw her.

She was sitting with two young women at a table next to the large windows that line the east wall. Each of the three women had a bag of produce next to them, a baguette sticking out of the top. Their conversation was quite animated, I watched her laugh at whatever one of the women said. I considered going over and introducing myself but thought to myself, "Why ruin the one moment we already shared? What could top that one moment?" I turned and started talking to one of my teammates.

A minute later I saw the look in his eyes, staring over my shoulder at something that, by his facial expression, must have been delightful. I turned to see her standing behind me.

"Hi Kate." I intended to shock her by remembering her name.

"William, right?" Using the name I used when I worked at Fermilab.

"Yes, but all my friends call me Bill. It's good to see you again." I shook her hand. For the tour she was wore the ubiquitous Washington DC power suit of navy blue slacks, jacket and low heels; today she wore a pretty sundress with wedge sandals. There was a slight scent which reminded me of my mother's garden and I was suddenly aware my own bouquet consisted of sweat and beer. Kate didn't seem to mind because the smile didn't leave her face.

"What brings you to Seattle?" she asked.

"Been here almost six months, I'm working at Global Bio on Elliott. What about you? On vacation from DC? I recall you were on some Representative's staff."

"I took a job with the Mayor's office after Thompson resigned three months ago. You must have heard about it, it was non-stop news because of the scandal."

"It's probably the wrong thing to say to someone in your line of work, but I'm a political agnostic. Never figured it made a difference who gets in, they all say one thing to get elected and then leave the office rich."

She gave me one of those looks which is impossible to interpret. Did she agree or just want to avoid an argument? "Wow, that is so jaded."

"Tell you what, convince me otherwise. Have dinner with me some day this week."

Kate realized my game; if this were chess, I just declared 'Check!'.

But not Checkmate, Kate instead asked the bartender for a pen and slip of paper, wrote her number and handed it to me with, "We'll see, call me." before returning to the table where her friends sat watching, amused at our interchange.

The next day I figured, 'what the hell' and instead of waiting three days, I called Kate. She answered on the first ring. I asked her to dinner the following day. That's when I found out I was missing an important bit of information about Kate.

"Sorry, weekday dates are difficult, my son lives with me during the week and with his dad, my ex, on weekends."

I was taken back by the fact that, one -- she was divorced, and two -- she had a child. "How old is your son?"

"Frankie is nine. And to answer your next question, his father and I have been divorced for four years. Right before he married his high school sweetheart."

I found it strange she would share such an intimate detail with me, a virtual stranger. My silence in response must have spoken volumes. Her voice seemed ethereal. "Bill, you didn't ask but I've had too many men see me in a certain way. I'm not that woman. I'm a twenty-nine year old divorcee with a nine year old son. My son is the most important person in my life right now. I've had dates with five men in the past four years, I don't think I met their expectations because none of them have asked me for a third date." I don't think she took a breath during the entire speech.

"Would you like to have dinner with me Saturday night?"

I must have shocked her. "Bill, did you hear what I said?"

"Yeah, you've got priorities and a past life that includes an ex. Name a restaurant you like. Anything but vegetarian, please."

Kate didn't miss a beat. "No vegetarian? Damn, I wanted to go to 'House of Tofu'." This lady has a sense of humor, I could practically hear the laughter in her voice.

I gave it right back. "How about 'house of meat'?"

"Are you sure? I haven't scared you off?"

"Never surer. I'm not proposing here. Let's have dinner and have a nice night."

Which is what we did. I picked up Kate and took her downtown to my favorite restaurant; and yes, it was a steak house. Kate came to the door dressed in an LBD, but in navy. Her three inch heels put her within an inch of my five-nine.

The dress made me realize what a trim, athletic body she had. The toned calves hinted at a runner or dancer; the arms most likely came from time in the gym. How she obtained her physique became clear after she ordered dinner. I've never brought a date here that didn't order the petite filet and a glass of red wine, Kate ordered the New York medium rare and a double bourbon. She caught my surprise. "What? I ran Green Lake twice and spent a half hour in the gym, a little protein helps me recover."

"Okay, but bourbon?"

"Try it. Nothing tastes better with a good cut of steak than a good bourbon." She flashed that smile again and I would have ordered green tea with my Porterhouse if she just kept looking at me like that. I was on my way to a point of no return. Kate was right, bourbon set off my meal perfectly.

We continued to date weekends. Her son spent three weekends a month with his dad. By the fourth weekend I asked if the three of us could do something together and Kate agreed. I wasn't used to spending time with kids; my sister has two children I see a couple times a year when I get back home. I lucked out, the Mariners were in town and that's where we spent the day. It actually turned out better than expected.

The come-down occurred when I dropped Kate off. She asked me in, told Frankie to put something on the TV and proceeded to bust my bubble.

"I had a wonderful time today, we both did." Motioning with her head where Frankie was watching the tube. "I won't be able to go out with you next weekend."

I didn't respond, waiting for her to finish.

"Last week I was asked to attend a party. Dave Taylor is flying me down to San Francisco where his sister is hosting Princess Aiko of Japan on her first stop here in the States. I've already promised I'd attend with him."

This was heady stuff. David Taylor was the founder of Global Bio's biggest competitor in bio-genetics research. He was worth hundreds of millions and came from a very wealthy Silicon Valley family.

I tried to stay cool. "How do you know Taylor?"

"He was at one of the Mayor's fundraisers. We were talking; I didn't think anything of it until he called last week and asked me to his sister's party."

"Okay. Well, it sounds like fun. Thanks for the heads up." It wasn't okay, it didn't sound like fun and I needed to get the hell out of there. "I'll give you a call." Then I shouted, "Bye Frankie" into the next room and took off. Frankie came running into the hall and shouted out the door, "Thanks Mr. Bailey."

I walked to my car without looking back. For the first time since grad school I was completely taken with a woman. It was too early to say I loved Kate. We'd only kissed a few times and there were too many things we needed to understand about each other before it got serious, but damn, how does a guy compete with a David Taylor?

Tuesday afternoon my office phone rang and it was Kate on the line. "Bill, are you busy tonight? I have a sitter for Frankie and I'd like to come over and talk."

I was happy she reached out so I said 'yes'. Three hours later the buzzer for the front door sounded. I was standing in the hallway with my apartment door open behind me when Kate came out of the elevator. She walked right up to me and without saying a word, wrapped her arms around me and gave me a scorching kiss. Every kiss we shared to this point had been relatively chaste, this was anything but. Our lips melded, our tongues danced, our arms squeezed. Mrs. Peterson from next door choose that moment to come out of her apartment. Laughing, she merely said, "Take it inside you two. This is a family complex." She continued laughing as she stepped into the elevator. Mrs. Peterson is the nicest neighbor a person could ask for.

We took it inside.

Back in my arms, Kate looked in my eyes. "I told you, no man ever asked me for a third date. Not after finding out how important my son is to me and that I'm not easy. I haven't had sex in three years, not since Frank."

"He's a fool. Wait, I thought you said you'd been divorced for four years."

Kate looked embarrassed and maybe a little ashamed. "I messed up. Frank dropped off Frankie one night and we ended up in my bed. I know I should feel bad, he was remarried by then but I still loved him. It was only once. Plus, not that it makes it right, but she cheated with him when Frank and I were married. So what goes around comes around."

"Sounds like Frank has a hard time keeping it in his pants."

She laughed. "No argument there, he went to his fifteen year high school reunion without me because I was sick. "Go," I said, "go see your old friends." What an idiot I was. His high school girlfriend was there, newly divorced and they quote, "reconnect and fell in love again" end quote. What horseshit. So, I'm jaded when it comes to men. Change my mind Bill."

I did my best to change Kate's mind. We undressed each other in the living room while exchanging kisses. I took her hand and led her to the bedroom where we made love. Kate lay in my arms afterward and addressed the elephant in the room.

"I'm not going to have sex with him, Bill."

I couldn't help it; I admit to being somewhat insecure and more than jealous. "Sex as defined by Bill Clinton or my mother?"

She kissed me with her hand behind my head and whispered in my ear. "Your mother, trust me please."

To this day I'll never know the truth about that weekend, but if I had to bet money, I would lay odds nothing happened and wouldn't hesitate betting everything I own. She called me that Sunday night to tell me that she and Taylor wouldn't be dating ever again.

"Are we exclusive now?" I asked. "No more dates with anyone but each other?"

"Yes Bill. I'm sorry I promised Dave that I'd attend the party with him. I didn't think it was fair to renege on him last minute. I'm sorry I didn't trust you more."

"Trust is a tough thing to gain. Let's not dwell on last weekend. But I think it's time we spent time together during the week, including with Frankie. Pick a day this week to come over for dinner, give me a hint what he likes to eat."

I don't think I could have said and not said anything better. Said -- the three of us having dinner together, not said -- nothing asked about this weekend.

***

Kate and I spent more time with each other, with Frankie during the week and alone together on weekends.

The next time we were alone I remembered to ask Kate about birth control, almost embarrassed that we hadn't discussed it the first time. It's just that all my previous lovers were on the pill, I naively assumed all women were taking it. It was a jolt when Kate told me she couldn't have any more children.

"I should have told you sooner." She waited for my response.

I was actually pleased at the news. Call me selfish, but children weren't a priority for me. I was honest with Kate. "My sister has two and that gets my parents off my back, and I enjoy being around Frankie, maybe because he's older. No, I don't need a child of my own".

Kate was the Ying to my Yang. While she was growing up in a small town working on her grandfather's farm, I was growing up in Chicago, taking advantages of what a big city has to offer. I took her to the Symphony; she took me to a Country bar where she taught me how to line dance. I liked Robert Plant, she liked Alison Krauss. I took her to art galleries down in Pioneer Square; she took me to the river where we had a picnic and made love outdoors.

Even her brothers got in on teaching this city boy their country ways. By the end of our first year together I owned a Remington 870 Express shotgun, a fly fishing rod and reel and two pair of cowboy boots.

One thing we learned together was camping. Kate never went tent camping growing up, it was a guy thing in her family. We walked into REI and bought everything we needed, took the ferry out to Orcas Island, pitched the tent on the cliff overlooking Doe Bay, and made love under the stars.

We did things I only heard about while growing up. Like the day Kate took me out to the pond in the back forty of her granddad's farm, stripped buck naked and skinny-dipped, calling me into the pond as I stood there like a statue, my open mouth catching flies. She was a vision straight out of a Maxfield Parrish painting.

I was in love, but something held me back from committing.

***

I know some people will say it's stupid and I lacked maturity, and I won't disagree with them, but the bottom line is this -- how to marry a woman who is constantly getting hit on by other men? That old song says it all, "if you want to be happy the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife".

"Hogwash," my father doesn't mince words, "that's poor bullshit."

I flew down with Kate to visit my parents at their second home, a condo they owned down in Scottsdale. It was a three day weekend to get out of the Seattle clouds and enjoy the sunshine. Dad and I were playing golf, Mom and Kate were spending the afternoon at the resort's spa. We were on the second tee box when I asked for Dad's opinion.

"Did you ever look at the photos of your mother from when we were young. I know it's tough for a kid to think of his folks this way, but your mom was a babe. Hell, she still is. Sixty-one and I've got to beat these desert lotharios off with a stick any time we go to a club function. If they ask nice, I agree they can have a dance, but I see their hands wander? Your mother shuts them down and comes right back, leaving the dufus standing on the dance floor looking like a fool."

"Has it always been that way?" This was bordering on TMI, but I needed to know.

"Since the first day I asked your mother to go steady, back in high school."

"How'd you handle it?"

"Trust. I love your mother and I know she loves me."

"Trust but verify?" It was a term I've heard.

"More bullshit." Dad stepped up to the ball and whacked that thing two-hundred-forty yards right down the middle. He waited until I teed off, a slight slice into the rough. We got into our cart and headed down the cart path. My dad continued. "'Trust but verify' was fine when dealing with an adversarial country with a history of backsliding on deals, but it's no way to treat a spouse. Not unless she comes home late with liquor on her breath and after-shave on her person."

I was thinking about what my father said and not about the golf. I topped the ball and it dribbled twenty yards, barely making it past Dad's tee shot.

"Keep your head down and think about your swing." Easy for him to say, he's not worried whether he should ask the girl he loves if she'll marry him. His second shot rose fifty feet in the air, travelled one-hundred sixty yards and stuck fifteen feet from the pin. My third shot went into the sandtrap on the right front of the green. It's going to be a long day.

"Look Bill, there's no Martian Slut Ray that turns a decent, loving wife into a cheater. If she has good morals to start, which from everything I've seen from Kate is the case, and you keep the love alive, you'll be happy and celebrating your fiftieth anniversary together."

"How long has it been for you and Mom?" I should know this stuff, but I'm a typical man and didn't have my kid sister available to ask.

"Not long enough, it will be thirty-nine years this August.

"Look son. The number one reason people cheat is they let the love die from the relationship. You quit asking your wife out on dates. She quits dressing for her husband. Complacent shit like that. All the things you do to make the other person fall in love with you. That's what you do throughout the relationship. Not every day, that's exhausting. Often enough so each of you understands the other is important."

We both holed out and went to the next tee.

"Every couple I know that got divorced because of infidelity lost that spark. Then you're sitting in your office and the new intern flirts, you end up in her bed and thinking this is real love. Forgetting that's how you felt about your wife at one time. Or the wife starts to think she's getting old and her husband hasn't complimented her in the past year. Some hunk at work pays attention to her and wham-bam -- she's lip locked and on her way to spreading for the asshole."