Smoke and Mirrors Pt. 01

I met Alex a few months ago, a nice guy who paid rent on time just like I did. We never had any problems. I had roommates before, but none were as pleasant to get along with as Alex. Usually I'd come to our two bedroom apartment dead tired, exchange a few words and bid good night. Normally I'd consider myself a social butterfly but at those late hours, I could only see myself flitting to my bed. I honestly barely knew Alex but we were fine to leave it at that.

Work hours gradually got more lenient and I found myself being home at more reasonable hours, thankfully. Also, I was able to learn more about Alex's background and learned we had so much in common. We both enjoyed watching sports, had the same affinity for certain types of women, and loved reading similar types of books. We watched a basketball game one night with beers, a night of relaxation I certainly welcomed.

I personally had been out of the dating whirlpool for years but had found ways to supplement my engineering work with other activities. Working out was my functional stress relief, very necessary for those long exhausting days. I devoted time to novel writing, perfectly satisfied to walk to a local park with my computer. I would set myself up under the oak tree and continue blissfully.

One day, there was a leak in the bathtub and I contacted maintenance to fix it.

I texted: "Hey, Alex. Looks like my shower has a leak. They should fix it really soon. Hate to ask this, but mind if I can use your shower in the evening? Hopefully they can fix it by tomorrow."

"Of course, man. No need to even ask."

"I appreciate it."

That evening, after a nice jog, I picked up my towel and some clothes and walked over to Alex's bathroom. I was surprised to see the door was slightly ajar and I accidentally caught a glimpse of Alex's backside in the mirror. Whatever one's definition of gender might be, nothing prepared me for what I saw. Alex had a woman's body! There was no doubt about it. The curves of a woman are smooth, intentional and voluptuous compared to those of a man.

I felt embarrassed at not even suspecting before. Body hair, short cropped hair on the head, clothing. There was no reason for me to suspect Alex was a woman.

And yet, it was in plain sight. I could not pull my eyes away. She bent down to dry her legs, accentuating the curviness of her round butt. When she planted one leg down before lifting the other to dry, there was a sexy jiggle in the glutes and thighs. Her movements were much more feminine as well, different compared to when we were watching TV or having conversation. She appeared more graceful, strong and tender simultaneously, exuding power in simplicity and complexity at the same time. Grace knew no bounds. Yes, Alex was a woman.

I pulled away and called her name to make it appear as if I had just arrived. Even saying her name for the first time with the knowledge of her identity felt strange.

"My bad, I had to shower. Almost done." Her voice was still fairly deep. What did her real voice sound like?

"OK, no worries," I said.

A part of me wondered why she had to conceal herself. She's clearly playing herself to be a man. But why?

I showered, still mesmerized. Finished, refreshed, I dried myself and suddenly an odd feeling came over me. Peering at the handheld mirror placed near the shower I could see a face. Alex!

My heart raced faster and I had no earthly idea why. I continued to dry myself as casually as possible. What could I do? I definitely didn't want to confront or make the situation awkward. Honestly, though, I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a feeling of excitement. I had no prior experience with voyeurism. Boys might have tried to peek into girls' locker rooms, but why would I waste my time engaging in such creepy behavior? Yet, there was something extraordinary about this woman desiring to see my nude body. I slowed down my movements purposefully. I turned around so I was fully exposed in the front toward the door while I continued to look in the mirror. I could feel myself harden some at the thought of her observing me. I mentally calmed myself and went back to put my clothes on. I noticed she was gone from view after.

"What's going on, Dave?" One of my friends asked me over coffee at a downtown cafe. While I would have been writing at this very moment, I couldn't pass on meeting with my good friend, who I had known since high school. She had the uncanny ability to read my countenance, one she previously described as that corner piece of the jigsaw puzzle. Once she identified the placement of that piece, everything would fall in place. As a licensed therapist herself, could one expect anything different?

The quaint cafe room was brightly lit from the sun light, illuminating the hanging daffodils and pothos surrounding the dining area. There was light jazz music in the area and a comforting chatter in the midst.

"Oh, nothing at all. Maybe a bit of writer's block. That's all. Nothing a therapist can't fix, right?" I smiled before sipping on my espresso.

She batted back a smile too, her teeth perfectly gleaming, cute dimples framing maroon lips. The room was so bright that she appeared even younger, masking any marks of that beautiful aging process we must all accept and succumb to. However, in those times of adulthood mundaneness and normalcy may feel oppressive to any individual, I couldn't help but feel enthralled by the beauty of the seemingly artificial. I was not seeing an apparition in my friend but one who was both real and stunningly unique at the same time. I mentally shook my head to push away my literary demons and took another sip.

"No, it's not that. You usually don't blink your eyes for a long time and you have more of a stupid grin on your face if you were thinking about your writing." She laughed. She leaned back in her chair smoothly, putting back a tassle of hair in place, lest it interrupted her lips perching onto the rim of her coffee cup. Frankly, I was disappointed she removed that beautiful lock, resembling the dripping ivies clinging to the walls of the cafe. Sensuality was in the air and I was here for it.

There was an unspoken agreement between us that we would remain platonic friends. I valued that friendship in her too much to fall in love. At least, I think so. A damn part of me wish I could read her mind about me, however. She had clearly observed me enough times to know my tendencies. What did that mean?

I laughed politely. "You're right, it's something else." I took a deep breath before sipping some water to sooth my throat. "My roommate is... a woman."

I observed my friend's face, expecting a wild change in expression but she simply furrowed her eyebrows, perhaps from proper etiquette. Honesty, as with the evolution of any beings lucky enough to experience life on earth, may adopt many forms when infiltrating human expression. My friend was one of of the most compassionate people I knew, and her timely insertions of sarcasm or humor were, for lack of a better term, endearing. She wouldn't pull any punches, though.

"I see. I mean, you've stayed in the same place a long time and you discovered this recently?"

I nodded and proceeded to explain. She sincerely listened, grasping my dilemma without my mentioning of feeling. She asked the obvious question. "What do you think of her?"

This was the troublesome part. Over the past few days since I had seen her naked, I couldn't erase it from my mind. Guilt wretched my inner core, wringing the pride I had with respect to self-control. I had been celibate for 6 years, and while I still considered myself a sexual person, I also took great pride in being able to "save" myself for that right person, one who could share mutual interests, insights, intuitions, inertia, in-

"What is it?" She asked me.

I realized I had never said this to anyone. I looked up at my friend's soft gaze and took a deep breath.

"Look, I haven't had physical intimacy on a deeper level with anyone for 6 years. This has been on my mind, truth be told." As I finished uttering those words, I immediately regretted having released them like a stranded man who just realized that he had altruistically released fish that were supposed to be his meal for survival. There wasn't shame behind the disclosure since I had my opportunities in the past and just voluntarily decided not to pursue them. I couldn't pinpoint where my feeling came from.

"Oh?" She remarked. I could not read any sense of surprise in her voice or face, but who am I to investigate a therapist, an expert in hiding any pretense?

She took a sip of water, allowing silence to linger. She leaned in, placing one hand on top of the other. "I've been celibate for a long time too, and there's nothing wrong with it."

"Cmon, you don't have to-"

"No," she shook her head. She lowered her voice to a tone I seldom heard her use ever. "I'm serious."

Her matter of fact way of saying this last statement hit me. "It is what it is. My work just gets so much in the way, I haven't really felt the need or compulsion to think of anyone. It may happen later but if I don't feel the need..." She shrugged.

"Same," I said.

"So what will you do?"

"No idea. I don't want to embarrass her. I feel terrible that I even saw...that."

She looked toward the grandfather clock in the corner of the cafe before sipping. "Then don't tell her. See if it drops by itself." We went on to change the subject, but her last statement rang in my mind for days afterward as I didn't understand fully. Drop by itself?

Several weeks went by and we continued the normal conversations in front of the TV. One evening, as I was just about to hop into the shower, I heard a loud knock at the door. I quickly wrapped myself in a towel and went to open the door. It was Alex. "My bad, man. Went to get something from my car. Didn't know you were here."

"Yeah, I just came in. Didn't know you were in so I locked the door." I noticed she resisted looking at any place on my body except my eyes. At least I thought so.

But I couldn't help it anymore.

"Hey, I know it's not any of my business but I noticed you had a piece of mail. Name is Sarah?"

She immediately blushed and I felt awful for bringing it up. Why not just act as if I didn't notice?

"You're right, it's none of your business, bro."

"Oh come on. It's fine. What's the big deal? If you're a tomboy or whatever..."

She looked elsewhere before returning her eyes to mine. "Okay fine." For the first time, her voice changed. It was that of a woman's.

I started to have regrets. I always hated the feeling of discomfort from others and I allowed my idiotic curiosity to overrun my restraint. "I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. I don't want it to be weird between us, or whatever."

"We can be cool without talking about personal shit, right?" she said annoyed, angry and ashamed.

I was stunned. "I mean, sure, but-"

"Look, I've never been comfortable with being totally a woman. I wish I was a dude many times."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Guys have it easy compared to women. And whenever I see a naked woman on TV or wherever, it's... amazing."

I had a question but her eyes prohibited me from asking the obvious one. I had already delved too much.

"What makes being like a guy so great?"

"I dunno. I love sports, working out. I can be more of myself." I could sense she hadn't yet let her guard down. The intellectual, seemingly literary know-it-all in me wanted to clutch to more from her emotionally. Naturally, I began comparing her to my friend, the only other woman I had spent a similar amount of time with. Where was that complexity, that tender juxtaposition of confidence and intelligence, reservation and drive, kindness and mischief? Was I at fault for setting too high of expectations?

"Have you ever been with a man before?"

Alex nearly jumped back with a look of disgust. "Ugh, are you kidding? Fuck you!"

"Look, I know you were watching me in your bathroom a few weeks ago."

"What?"

"I saw you clearly from the mirror."

"You must be delusional." She laughed. Her laugh was so womanly and sexy. I felt my dick harden a bit.

"I saw you looking at me in my bathroom a few days ago. I left the door open on purpose. There is a mirror."

She had nothing to say and she looked away. Finally, some cherished vulnerability. I was not cracking an egg, but rather slowly applying heat, to make that shell slowly slough away.

"Look, if you're curious, you don't have to be shy. You can just ask." I moved closer so I was just inches away. She didn't move. I lifted her hand, allowing her slender fingertips to run down my chest and around my abdomen. Her touch was pebble smooth and cool, porcelain texture lacking any fragility. I let go of her hand as she quickly pulled back slightly. Her eyes stared at the towel, transfixed. She looked up at me, biting her lower lip, questioning without uttering a word. I nodded.

Her gaze slowly moved back down to the towel. She slowly removed the towel, exposing my nude body. She slowly slung the towel onto the nearby chair as if this was predetermined in her mind. Her eyes widened slightly. She slowly ran her hands up my thighs around my buttocks. Abdomen, chest, shoulders, obliques. Her eyes asked for permission again. I acquiesced. Alex gently grazed my private area, absorbing each sensation. I started getting harder with every second of her touching. She smiled, pleased. She ran her slender finger along the length of my dick, mesmerized. "So smooth," she whispered.

"How do you feel?" I asked.

"So firm." She whispered, not listening.

"Have you ever kissed a man?"

She shook her head.

I leaned in and locked my lips with hers. I wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her closer. I felt her energy rise. She placed her hands on my back, grappling my obliques initially with some uncertainty but then with increasing confidence. She shifted her hands to my behind, tenderly pinching them with the fullness of her palms. I was fully aroused by her feminine spirit, her inquisitiveness.

I started kissing her smooth neck with my lips. I removed her baseball cap, and slowly unbuttoned her shirt. She arched her chest forward, moaning and yearning. She wore nothing under the shirt, a fairly flat chest with two tiny breasts puckering out. I made my way to the nipples, rubbing my tongue around them, alternating hard rubbing movements with smooth slides of the tip of the tongue. She moaned even louder now, grabbing the back of my neck and pulling it closer to her.

At this point, she gave herself to me. I moved my tongue down her stomach, feeling the body hairs brush against my lips. I playfully used my tongue and lips to tug on the hairs, taking in their wonderful soft textures. I let my wet tongue circle her belly button, rimming it before gently prodding the center. She exhaled forcefully, clearly enjoying that. I knelt on the floor, slowly removing her jeans.

Vantage points are incredibly powerful in the heat of a moment. They reveal an unknown often ignored in the real world. This is the basis for all art.

She wore boxers, of course. I went up to gently kiss her abdomen, moving my tongue around her navel again as she moaned. I licked the edge of her boxers. I could feel the twitch of her body, seemingly begging me to remove them. I followed, gradually shifting the boxers downward while kissing lower and lower. Alex's hips radiated a beautiful femininity unlike any I had seen before. I was able to see my past voyage from this incredible reflection on the beholden past. Her hips at the forefront of her small breasts and beautiful willing face which stared at me could have been a Wonder of the World.

I ran my tongue and fingers through the long hairs before finding her pussy. Its large labia protruded out of the hairs, mountains among incredible scenery. I kissed her inner thighs extremely closely to the labia, playfully nibbling along. Suddenly, she placed a strong hand on the back of my head and pushed it into her wet pussy. Oh it was absolutely....soaking....wet. She screamed with pleasure. Her hips moved with incredible rhythm. I wanted to serve her.

I allowed my my tongue to willfully explore as she remained standing. Nearly falling, she backed into a nearby wall for stability. I buried my tongue back into her pussy, savoring every drop of her, sucking on her fleshy clit. The large meaty clit was strong and lovely to the touch, inviting and desiring. I grabbed her ass while rocking her back and forth, allowing her to grind her clit on my tongue.

I spanked her bare ass with my hands and she moaned with joy. Serving her exploratory needs, I used my fingernails to dig into her skin vertically from her lower back down to her knees. I pinched her nipples before cuffing her neck with my hand, while I continued to eat. She grabbed my wrist forcing it inward. "Tighter," she demanded. My grip tightened and she vibrated with greater pleasure, ready to explode. Her other hand pushed my head even harder.

"Keep going, going. Don't stop, please, don't stop." She finally did relent, her body becoming limp and I caught her. She gasped with delight and smiled.

She leaned over and kissed me. "Thank you," she whispered. All of a sudden, there was a new being before me. A woman very well could easily discard a man, but both should do well to complement one another I thought. And when that passion strikes hot, is there anything comparable?

She walked to her shower, hips swaying left and right, solid legs and soft arms strutting with perfection, toned glutes shifting against each other with gorgeous vibrations. Like a woman.

*****

I couldn't help it. I knew I was wrong. something inward tugged at me, abolishing my years of therapy schooling and development of self-control, one fruited more by ego than anything else. But at this moment, I just couldn't help myself. I suppose I'd admittedly had some feelings for Dave and couldn't help stop thinking about him after his story.

I had gone back to my office after our meetup, laying out my yoga mat to do some stretches and breathing exercises, but that didnt work too well. I couldn't help but plop down in my large chair in exasperation. I saw the home address Dave had shared with me. He had told me to drop by to see the new place and meet his apartment buddy. Of course, I was going to call beforehand but decided against it at the moment. I wasn't in the mood for chatter anyways. I finished the few remaining afternoon sessions and called it a day.

I was a virgin, not at all interested in the idea of sex, always perceived to be a form of unadulterated adultery of the body, mind and soul. I wanted to be unique. Men's flesh? Who needed that? Why waste time in being with a man when one can engage with books, knowledge, friendly people, places, the world.

I parked the car and turned off the headlights. I turned around to see the sign for Dave's apartment on the first floor. What the fuck am I doing here? I placed my head on the steering wheel, heart racing and mind whirring. I couldn't think straight and I knew driving home wasnt an option, lest i wanted a sleepless night. That constant nagging pull from some foreign place within continued and I grew more frustrated. Why do I feel this way? Sure, I've had crishes in rhe past and got over them easily. I definitely couldn't say I was in love with Dave so what's going on? I tried to play the role of therapist on my own self and it didn't work. There was something more insidious and I couldn't diagnose it.

Opening the door, I found the warm air welcoming. This is conducive, I thought. Conducive. I slowly made my way around the corner and was stunned to see it. Dave and Sarah.

I watched, biting my lower lip as I watched him going down on her. Going down on her. Then making love to her. I unbuttoned the top of my shirt to cool myself, perspiration lightly sticking to my skin. I rubbed my neck, surprised by my hand's clamminess. In psychology, one learned about about certain brain cells known as mirror neurons, functioning to recapitulate in one's mind that which is observed. I recognized mine were certainly firing now.