Snowdrops

"Yes," I swallowed. "Yes. I do. So very, very much..."

"Do you want him?"

"Yes." I flushed at the admission.

"Then take him," she said. She laughed at my expression.

"But... Giselle, you're his cousin..."

"So?" she said, amused. "He is an idiot. So now I will organise his life for him."

"It feels a lot like you're selling... him to me. Like meat at the market..."

She leaned in, grinning.

"He is as close as a brother to me. Like a twin. An idiot twin, like all boys. I have watched him for years. He spends all of his life helping others. I am bored of seeing him waste his time on idiot Jüngfrauen who do not appreciate who or what he is and then fly away like... like butterflies to the next pretty flower."

She sighed. "I can see you are not like that," she added. "You know what it is to have something precious to you taken from you. You would not be like that. You would be good for him, Lucy."

"What... what should I do?" I said, plaintively. "I hardly know him. I hardly know myself. I'm a mess. I don't know what to do, Giselle."

"Are you a woman or a mouse?" she said as she poked me in the chest. "Offer yourself to him. Show him who you are. Show him that what he wants, what he needs... is as close to him as his own skin, if he would open those stupid eyes of his and look for once. Do not let him say no."

"I couldn't possibly," I protested, flushing bright red.

"Mädchen," she replied with a laugh. "The two of you should just get married and save the rest of us from your stupidity. He likes you. You like him. Es ist einfach!"

"But... I'm leaving..."

"There are planes and trains, are there not? This is not the world of our parents, Lucy. It is smaller. Closer. Close enough perhaps even for you two fools."

She squeezed me hard and then let me go. "I like you, Lucy. Du hast ein Kriegerherz. You are stronger than you think. So act, woman! So. It is settled. We will be drinking at your favourite bar this evening. Anton will be there." She paused. "Do not take painkillers this time," she added. "And do not be late! Or I will come and find you and drag you by your nose," she finished with a grin.

"Giselle?"

"Ja?"

"... Thank you. For everything."

She laughed. I watched her as she sauntered back to the station.

Her words to me left me far more panicky than they should have.

.:.

I took a deep breath of the cold air, squared my shoulders, and pushed the door open. Noise and heat spilled out, and I worked my way through the narrow corridor to the bar proper. There were people everywhere, shouting at each-other over the music, laughing, drinking. It was oppressive. Overwhelming. Faustian. I fought down the desire to turn around and make a run for it. If I ran now I'd never come back. And Giselle would never ask me again, of that I was sure. And I'd leave, having not at least tried... I gritted my teeth, and slowly started a circuit, searching for her.

"Lucy!"

I felt an arm around my waist, and Giselle laughed at me. "You are blind too! Come join us, bitte! Wait... have you taken anything?" she added, suddenly suspicious.

"No... not yet..."

"Super! Here, drink this!" she said, handing me something bright orange and frightening, barely tamed by a martini glass. "Das ist Lucy!" she shouted to her group as she dragged me to their table. "Lucy, das ist everyone!"

Giselle installed me beside her, and leaned in. "We are celebrating; it is Wednesday and we have survived you tourists!"

She laughed at my expression. "It is a joke, Lucy! We all work on the ski slopes as medics or mountain rescue or cable car operators and so on and so on. So when the tourists are off the slopes, and we have washed away the evidence, we come and enjoy ourselves here!"

I sipped my bright orange horror. It was far better than I'd feared it would be, and it disappeared all too quickly.

The music changed, and laughing people started dancing everywhere. I watched as a tall, elegant brunette in extremely tight clothes climbed onto a table and started to gyrate - everyone was whistling and cheering at her; she was laughing, exhilarated.

"This place is crazy!" I shouted in Giselle's ear.

"You love it!" she shouted back as she topped up my glass. "Have another drink! Then maybe you will dance for us again!" she added, wickedly.

"Never!" I protested.

She laughed, then leaned over to have a brief, unintelligible conversation with a guy. Then she turned, put her lips to my ear. "Anton will be here soon, I think," she said. "He is always late!" She watched me. "Do not even think of trying to run away!"

She grinned and patted my shoulder.

I slowly relaxed. Giselle and her friends switched to English so they could include me, and were telling each-other the more hilarious parts of their respective days. They were screaming with laughter; loud and rowdy and happy and lovely and so delightfully kind to have welcomed me into their circle like this.

A man named Carlo had just started telling us about the speedwing pilot who'd misjudged his landing approach and had to be helped out of a fir tree when Giselle screamed and knocked over her almost-empty glass. "Anton, nein, fuck off!" she shouted, flailing her arms; he laughed and stepped back, taking his obviously freezing hands off her cheeks. Then he saw me.

"Oh," he said.

"Hah! Surprise, fucker! Anton, it's Lucy!" Giselle said, laughing at his obvious confusion. "I brought her," she announced, triumphant. "She is joining us, it is decided! Come. There is room for you!"

She grabbed his hand and pulled him unceremoniously between us. "Sit," she commanded. "Sit there."

Amused friends and colleagues laughed at us - Anton shook his head, clearly teetering between amused and vexed. I stared at my lap, wishing the floor could swallow me.

"Giselle, du bist ein Teufel. Hallo, Lucy!" he added. He leaned in. "How... how are you feeling?"

"Ok," I managed, distracted by the gentle pressure of his leg against mine. "Better, I think, thank you. And you?"

"Better, I think," he said with a gentle smile.

Conversation resumed around us, and Giselle poured Anton a glass from the table's jug of bright orange liquid alcoholic sunshine.

"I'm sorry," he breathed into my ear. "Giselle is a force of nature. She is enormously pushy when she gets started. We can leave if you want."

"No," I answered him. "Sit, be with your friends. I'm fine. Really. I'm... it's... it's nice to just sit and listen with people for once. I'm enjoying being here, ok? It's... it's nice."

"Please say if that changes, ok?"

"Ok."

I didn't think it would.

I was conscious of very little other than the strange lightness I felt beside him. I listened to the conversations around us, laughed at the appropriate places, answered questions directed my way, smiled at them all... but what I was really doing was basking in his nearness to me. In the way my skin would tingle when he moved. Of the strange, almost electric shock I'd feel when he'd push his leg gently against mine.

Giselle made sure that our glasses stayed full, and at some point Anton put his arm around me.

I could not remember ever being so happy.

I leaned in to him, contentedly listening to him bantering with his friends. I caught Giselle's eye once, and blushed hot at the approving smirk and clandestine thumbs-up she gave me. Anton's arm migrated slowly lower down my back, and eventually wound up in my lap, gently curled to follow the contours of my thigh.

"I like being like this with you," I breathed into his ear during a brief lull in the music.

"Also," he softly replied, as he squeezed my thigh, and I glowed in the warmth his single word woke in me.

.:.

"Sleep well!" the group shouted at us as we got up to leave. Giselle cackled into her sixth... or was it seventh... drink of the night.

"Ja, ja," Anton retorted good-naturedly. I took his arm, gave Giselle one last private "Thank you" smile, and pulled him away from them.

"Sorry for that," he said. "They are..."

"Friends," I finished for him. I leaned my head in against his shoulder. "You are lucky, you know. Your cousin really loves you."

"She has always enjoyed bossing me around, that much is certain."

He held the door for me, and helped me down the short but treacherous flight of stairs.

"Oh... it's snowing," I sighed, delighted, as we emerged into the night. "It's so beautiful."

I held out my arm, then spun slowly around, happy as I watched the flakes fall. "It's so peaceful. I love it when it's like this."

"Yes," he agreed. He reached out to steady me as I stumbled slightly, and I caught his hand and pulled myself to him. I stood up on my toes, pushed hard against him, and kissed him.

He made a noise; perhaps of surprise. But he wrapped his arms around me and held me tight. And when I broke away, I tucked my face into his chest and simply breathed for a while.

"Lucy," he said, after some time. He tried to disentangle himself from me without hurting my shoulder, but I refused to let go.

"No. Stop. Don't..." I protested. "I am enjoying that."

"Come. I will walk you home."

"No. Not yet. First... first you are going to listen to me. I know I have a lot of alcohol in me. It's not... not enough to be really drunk and everything that comes with that... but it is enough to be honest. About me. For once."

I pulled back, stared up at him. "Anton... answer me this. Am I not good enough for you?"

"What?" he said, in surprise.

"Is there something wrong with me? Other than the obvious brokenness, I mean. Is... is my hair the wrong colour for you? My eyes?"

"Lucy, what are you talking about?"

"Am I too short? Are my breasts too small for you? Is my body the wrong shape for you?"

"Lucy!" he protested, shaking his head, exasperated. "Nein! What is this nonsense?"

"Do you not want me?" I said. "Or do you want me to beg? I'll beg if you need me to... if that's your thing..."

He stared down at me in shock.

"This is as carefree as I have ever felt with anyone. Ever. This is as honest as I have ever been or felt that I could be. Even at my worst, at my most self-destructive... I have never been brave enough to be this... this honest with anyone. Anton. I am here. I am right here.. I am... I am asking you to give me a chance. Just... just a chance...please."

"A... chance?"

"To show you how... how much I want to be yours. You make me happy. You make me feel safe. I know it's stupid, and I'm stupid, and this whole situation is stupid. I know you don't know me. I know I'm broken; a wreck. But I really like you. I really, really like you."

I waited, staring up at him, trying to find some spark of... anything... in his face.

"Say something, please?" I begged. "Say anything. Anything at all. I don't...."

"Of course you're good enough! Jesus Gott! You are far better than good enough. I..."

He rubbed his hands fiercely back and forward through his hair and roared; a deep, angry noise of frustration.

I watched him, scared by the intensity of his reaction.

He took a breath. He took another. He leaned forward, put his hands on my shoulders, stared into my eyes.

"Lucy... I am the person who found you, who treated you," he continued, softer. "I should not get involved with you. It is... unethical. You could not be thinking clearly. You could still be suffering concussion. You could..."

"Jesus God Christ, fuck the fucking ethics of this, Anton! I have had to live with trauma my entire adult life! I've had enough of it! Anton. Please. Bitte... being with you... this is the first time I've felt like I could be free. If even for a heartbeat..."

He shook his head, unable to find the words.

"Act. Do not let him say no."

Giselle's words came back to me.

I acted. I pushed him up against the wall. He grunted in surprise. "We both know that you are more than strong enough to get free of me," I said, matter of fact. "If this isn't want you want, I will not be able to force you. So. Here is your warning. I am going to kiss you in five seconds, Anton Larcher. Four. Three... Two..."

"Lucy, this is not fair," he protested.

"Life is not fair. I learned that the hardest way. Your way could be so much easier... and so much more pleasant for us both."

I ground myself against him, then gasped as he suddenly put his arms around me and pulled me hard against him.

"You are making it so hard to behave properly." he grumbled into my hair.

"I don't want you to behave," I complained. I stamped my foot in frustration. "I want you to want me!"

"But... I do want you," he whispered. "More than anyone else ever..."

"So kiss me," I begged him. "So show me. So..."

So he did.

.:.

"Oh god, oh god," I panted into his chest as I broke for sanity.

"Are you... ok," he whispered. He kissed my brow, my cheeks, and my burning lips once more.

"Yes. So good," I whimpered. "Oh, oh, that was special..."

"We are becoming Herr and Frau Snowman," he observed, deadpan.

"I do not care."

"You will get cold, soon."

"No, I will not. Not while you are holding me like this, and kissing me the way you just did..."

He laughed softly. "Ok," he said, after a moment. "You have won, Lucy."

"Good," I breathed. "Jesus. It took long enough to convince you."

"It was not a fair fight."

"It does feel like you had a bit of a handicap," I said with a grin, as I pushed myself against him. I stared up at him. "Oh, my. You are a very delicious man, Anton."

"You are a very beautiful woman, Lucy," he answered.

"Would you like to come home with me, Anton Larcher?"

"Yes," he breathed. "More than anything else in the world right now."

"So come on then."

I pulled him gently away from the wall, and laughed as he brushed snowflakes out of his hair. The snow was coming down in thick clumps, and the sounds of the town were hushed and muted.

"It is like a fairy tale," I said, happily. I laughed again, exultant, and took his arm. We set off. He held me close, caught me on one or two icy patches, and kept me on my feet as we made our way up the hill.

"You have a beautiful body," he said, at some point.

I smiled. "What made you say that?"

"Your words... earlier. I wanted to make sure that I corrected you."

"So you're saying you like my boobs."

"Uh..."

"And that my bum is a nice shape."

"Lucy..."

"And that I'm tall enough..."

"You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen or met in my life," he said, matter of fact - and my words froze in my throat. He stopped, pulled me to a halt, waited for me to look up at him. "And you have the bravest heart of any person I know."

"You're making me blush."

"Good. You are even prettier when you blush. Lucy..."

"Yes."

"You know that this is not wise for us."

"No. Of course it isn't. But I don't care any more. Do you?"

He stared at me. "No. It is done."

"Come on, then. Let's go and get warmer."

.:.

We snuck in through the front door of the apartment block, and after we had quietly put our boots away I led him up the stairs, his fingers entwined with mine. I fumbled my door open, pulled him over the threshold, and then pushed myself against him again so that I could feel his body against me.

"Close the door," I whispered. "And help me out of my jacket."

He gently helped free my arm, and hung our jackets up on pegs. I ran my hands over his arms, and then up to his shoulders, admiring the feel of his sculpted body under the smooth fabric of his high-tech base-layer.

"That is... wonderful," he breathed. He shuddered. "My God, that is amazing. Nobody ever touches me like that."

"They are stupid, then," I said. "Come. Sit. My arm is fucked but I have another one that works... I will touch you if you will let me."

I pushed him down into a chair, and began to run my hands over his shoulders and neck. He shivered, made a little noise deep in his throat.

I smiled. "I guess that is your weak spot," I whispered.

"Yes," he hissed. "Oh, your hands are so nice. Being touched like this by you is so..."

"So what."

"Unbelievable."

"You are so tense. You need to relax."

I bent forward, kissed his neck, and my belly cramped at the stifled little moan that escaped him.

"Take off your shirt," I breathed into his ear.

He complied and I bit my lip. He was a gorgeous man. I stood behind him, pulled his head back against my belly, and slowly trailed my fingers over his shoulders, along his neck, and then up to his scalp.

I massaged him gently, listening to my heart and his breathing, conscious of the fire he'd lit deep in me.

"This is... so good," he managed.

I reached up, unzipped my fleece, and, after a moment's struggle I managed to drop it to one side. I followed suit with my vest.

"Lucy... what..."

"Shh, shh," I murmured.

I hooked my fingers under my sports bra and pulled. It tangled briefly in my hair, then came free as I cursed it and its mother. I bent forward over him, kissed him, and then moved around in front of him.

"Oh..." he breathed, eyes widening. "Wow."

"Shift the chair back a bit," I answered him. "I am going to sit in your lap, and I am going to rub those shoulders of yours some more."

"You are beautiful."

"Mm. Boobs, he says you're beautiful." I laughed. "I'm glad you like them, but my eyes are up here, Anton." I threw my leg over him and sat, sliding forward until I was nestled against the hard bulge of his crotch. "Mm, that feels good," I breathed. "Oh, that really feels good."

He put his hands on my waist, and held me as he stared up at me.

"I love your body. I love these flames that are your hair. I love your eisblau eyes. I love the sound of your voice. I love the scent of your skin, your smile, your taste..."

I gasped as he pulled me down to him. He kissed me, slowly at first, but the urgency built, and as he took my breasts in his hands I moaned and broke for air.

I ground against him. "Slow... slow," I whimpered. "I will need time. It has been... long. Let me... touch you more... please..."

"You taste so good. God, you are a wonderful woman. So sweet. So gentle."

"You... deserve it..." I moaned. "Stop... stop, Anton. Let me... please... "

I pulled back slightly, bent forward to kiss him again. "I will let you do that again," I promised. "Soon. But... it... it has been long for me, ok, and I need... I need..."

"What do you need..."

"Time..." I whispered. I reached out, stroked his neck, his cheek. "I don't want to freeze up on you. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to fuck this up. I'm... can... can you be gentle?"

He caught my hand, folded it into his, kissed it. "Yes."

"Good," I breathed. I shifted, and groaned deep in my throat as I felt him throb against me. "Oh, now, that you can do," I whispered, grinning. "That is perfect. Oh. Yes. That..."

I clasped my hands to his shoulders, and he pulled me against him. I buried my face into his neck, and started to grind on him. "Oh. Oh. Oh that is good. Oh that feels good."

"You are driving me crazy," he groaned. "You smell like heaven. Your skin is so soft. I love your breasts, your body, your beautiful face."

"Uhn," I moaned. "Wait..."

I forced myself back and off him.

"Lucy?" he said, surprised. "Where are you going?"

I dimmed the lights, and unbuttoned my jeans. His eyes widened as I slid them down and off me. And I laughed softly at the quiet "Scheisse" he let out as I followed suit with my black g-string. Flushing, giddy, empowered, I walked through to my bedroom, shot him one lingering glance from the doorway, and climbed under my blankets.

"Anton," I called him softly, when he didn't seem to have gotten the hint.

"Yes?"

"Come here. Come here and warm me."

.:.

He generated heat like a furnace. His legs were unbelievably delicious; his stomach flat, sculpted like a statue. He smelled of sweat, and salt, and safety, and I could not get enough of him. The hard rod of his penis dug into me as I kissed him, ground against him, rubbed myself on him. He had a leg between my thighs, and I slid along it, moaning, feeling the slickness of me on him. His tongue was like fire on my neck, my throat, my shoulders, my nipples.