Snowed In

I figured I'd be too worried and wired to sleep. I didn't know how this was going to go.

Hans returned with treasure - toothbrushes and little tubes of toothpaste from the health classroom. He'd also grabbed a battery-powered radio from the janitor's closet and a case of bottled water. Our survival kit was complete. It was time to settle in. While keeping my hands to myself.

"My hero again! I can't sleep if I don't brush my teeth. I'll be right back."

I took my flashlight and headed for the nearest staff restroom. There was still some water in the pipes, so I took my time washing my face. Schools are the least sexy and germiest places on the planet, and cleaning anything in them tends to make me feel better.

Butterflies going full tilt, I headed back to home base and faced my fate. I would have to make this comfortable somehow. I decided to draw on my years of diffusing hard situations on production tours - go head-first into the awkward by making it funny. It always works. Or had until this point, anyway.

"I'm sorry this ruined your Valentine's plans," Hans said as I returned. I shoved pillows under the crack in the door. He was prepping to move into the cave too.

"Oh, they involved lasagna on the couch with my cats. I'm a genuine old cat lady. I mean, that's a great night for me, but I'll live. They have plenty of food and each other for warmth, so they'll be fine. And I'll just do that tomorrow instead. I've been single for a long time, so Valentine's Day is just another day. I have a friend who makes himself a fancy dinner with beef wellington every year, but I'm not that awesome. How about you?"

"I always have coursework to do. It's what I do anytime I'm not at work, so every day is exactly the same for me. Rushing through a master's is not fun. I'll have a normal life again someday, I hope."

"Are you seeing anyone? Will I be hunted down for defiling your reputation?"

He laughed freely. I'd surprised him. "No, I just focus on school. I'm living with my parents right now, and I don't want to be judged by dates. No one will be coming after you with questions."

"And they won't care? Your mother won't beat me with her shoe?"

"They're European. They might care if you were 19, but other than that..."

"I'd never judge you, just so you know. I had a friend who did the same thing around your age. He retrained as a nurse, moved back in with his parents. He's doing so well now. Two kids, mortgage, beautiful wife too. I admire it, actually. You'll be contributing good things to society."

"Ah, we'll see. Shall we close this up now? Trap all of the heat we can?"

"Might as well," I said.

I took off my boots and settled into my beanbag. They were about half the size of a full-sized bed horizontally dissected, so we could each curl up on our own, or if we combined they'd make a decent deep mattress. Trying to keep myself to myself, I would stay out of dangerous territory as long as I could. Hans was about 6 feet 2 inches, so this was going to be less comfortable for him.

Another tactic to diffuse the awkward is to get the other person to talk about themselves. It keeps me in a guiding role, less personal on my end while helping me relate to and work with the person better. I'd become pretty good at not giving away too much about my personal life. Hopefully he'd divulge something really unattractive, like using his vacation days for week-long sessions of gaming or hating fuzzy animals. Not likely, but one could wish.

We left one flashlight on in the cave, so it wasn't completely dark. I looked over at Hans, his angled face faintly lit.

At least the cave walls dampened some of the howling sound. It was starting to feel like our own little world and less like a refuge from hypothermia.

"So tell me about growing up in Germany. How did you feel about coming here?"

"It was okay, but forgive me for saying this - when you say Germany, you seem to have a little catch in your voice, like it makes you uncomfortable. Is it the history?"

My tactic was failing already. I might as well dive in. His powers of emotional intelligence extended beyond students, clearly.

"If I seem weird about that it's not what you think - it's just the place I've never been to that's been following me around my whole life. My grandfather was born there, and my mom went a few times and talked about it admiringly my whole life. And then, oddly enough, I fell stupidly in love with a man who'd lived there for 10 years. He was there for the Army and then stayed because 'everything made sense' to him in Germany, he said. He talked about it all the time. Plus he had a friend here who spoke German, so it was just always a thing to have German language swirling around me and not understand a single word. Anyway, he died in an accident, and that was, God, 15 years ago. I just have a basic reaction to German, I guess. He had a Golf, like you. He was really into them. I had forgotten for a minute until I saw yours. So I apologize for being weird. Nothing to do with you."

"Ahh, you make more sense to me now. I thought I'd done something to offend you."

"Nope. Nothing of the kind. Sorry."

"I wondered why you didn't talk about a husband and kids. Most of the women, it's what they talk about all day. You talk about travel and doing things."

"You heard me talking to that kid who's going on a cruise to the same places I've been? That was fun. Yes, I used to travel a bunch for work. I miss it. You do seem very popular amongst us middle-aged women, by the way. I'm sure they talk your ear off."

"Sometimes." He laughed. "I am the favorite lunch buddy, Cici says."

I closed my eyes for a while, huddled under my stack of blankets. I was already feeling a slight chill in the air that came through the cave vents. This building really did not retain heat. Great job, designers.

"I hate to say it," Hans said, but we may need to get physically closer at some point. "I heard it's going down to -10 degrees tonight, plus the wind."

"It would just be terrible for me to have to be near a nice, handsome young man like you," I said with a lilt in my voice. I laughed. "Just dreadful to be huddled up for warmth. Horrible night for me. Actually, pretty sure that would make my top ten. Not just of this year, this decade. All of the other middle-aged ladies will be green with envy."

He laughed. "Well then, we won't hesitate if it becomes necessary. But stop calling yourself older. I'm 32."

"Well I am older, but you have a lot of life experience too, I can tell. Not a huge discrepancy then. I'm 41. I think it was seeing you on the playground with Eddie that made me classify you as young, in the best possible way. Not everyone can tap back into playfulness, especially with a child who's not theirs. It was pure."

"I was just trying to help him enjoy school and go back inside feeling calm. Nothing special."

"No, it was."

I felt something in the air at that moment, a connection built on recognizing value. The same thing I'd felt in my first conversation with Hans, before I'd had to clam up.

"So tell me about Germany, your life, countries you've been to, whatever you want. Take my mind off of this place."

He did talk for a while then, telling me about the culture shock at a weird age in high school and how he missed the orderliness of Germany. I moved it up a few notches on my bucket list hearing his fondness.

I relaxed a lot just listening to him. He had a creative way of connecting and describing things, not your average American perspective. I could tell he'd been exposed to a lot more and even read some books.

"So why have you been single for years? Don't tell me if you don't want to, but I'm curious. I'm sure it was hard to lose your boyfriend."

I sighed and then plunged in. It was something I rarely talked about anymore.

"Oh, it just became easier not to. I think it's a trauma response, too, but it's also because I don't have a settled job. Everyone expects you to have a house, five retirement accounts, etc. and my life has just been a little more of an adventure picking up freelance work. I got tired of being judged. I deal with a lot of drama from my family, so I don't seek it out elsewhere. Plus, after Rob died I found out he'd been lying about all kinds of things. I don't have the $20K to unpack all of that in therapy, so I just put it in a mental box and hang out by myself. I really, really missed some aspects of relationships, of course, for a long time, and then I realized how happy I was living on my own. So I let it ride."

I had almost said sex as the thing I missed. I stopped myself just in time. No need to add to the awkward.

"I can see that. It is simpler on your own."

"Yeah. I wonder sometimes if I did the right thing, but who knows. I don't know why I keep subbing, either. I don't even like it that much, but I'm also drawn to it."

"I know I'm the younger one here, but I don't think life has to be a straight line. The happiest people I've met have the different paths. We don't have to follow societal norms. As long as we aren't hurting anyone."

"I agree. I just feel the pressure sometimes, though."

"Fuck pressure." He laughed. "I think you're pretty great as you are. A lot of these people are just miserable."

"Thanks for saying that."

We moved on to lighter topics, and it was pretty clear that we weren't sleepy.

Eventually, I had to admit it. I wasn't that comfortable in my bean bag, and I figured Hans wasn't either. I was fearful of getting cold during the night, too, and a tiny bit afraid in general, though I'd never admit it. I plunged in, since he had already opened the proverbial door.

"Hans, I do think it'd be warmer if we were next to each other. We can turn the other way and use these as a big mattress. I might even stop asking you questions, and sleep."

I picked up the flashlight, and we shifted things around. By staggering the blankets, I made them wide enough to cover us both and a lot thicker in the middle than we'd each had before. Hans crawled underneath, and then I joined him, shivering but still keeping a little distance as I felt out the situation. The bed wasn't that wide and the soft center pulled us inward, so this was a balancing act. We would be touching eventually.

Back at Pine Lake, Hans had needed to give me something, but he seemed hesitant to put it in my hand. He'd said, "Is it okay if I..." and before he could finish hedging I gently grabbed for it, touching his hand for a beat in the process to relieve the tension. He'd smiled. I figured a similar tactic would work now. We were still coworkers of a sort, but we could appreciate each other as human beings. There was no harm in that if neither of us minded. Not tonight.

I reached for his hand and held it, letting him know it was okay to touch me, trying to put him at ease too.

"If I have to be stuck here all night, I'm glad it's with you," I said.

I saw him smile a little.

"I apologize in advance if I end up touching you in any way that you don't want. Tell me and I'll stop. It's just..."

"I won't object, but I do trust you." I half-smiled back.

I wanted to change the subject and cut the tension. "Will you sing to me? Something in German so I can stop thinking for a while."

"Sure."

He did quietly sing some song I'd never heard, his comforting voice giving me goosebumps and making me lean into him. I put my head on his chest so I could feel the vibrations. It was delightful. He put his arm around me.

"Thank you," I said when he'd finished.

"You're welcome."

His arm was heavy across my back. Now that he was so close I could feel his breath, I figured there was no place for walls. He didn't want them either.

He was stroking my hair and gently rubbing my back.

"Your hair is so pretty when it's down. You'd better be the big spoon. I wouldn't want to, you know what can happen, it's just physiology..."

"Oh jeezus, don't worry about it, I'd be flattered. You'd move up to top five moments this decade."

"That's what I like about older women. No shame at all."

"You bet. We know life is short."

We were quiet for a while.

"Can I ask you something? Why did you turn gruff with me at Pine Lake? We had a good conversation and then it was like you put up a wall."

I shifted to my back under the blankets and looked up at the ceiling. I needed some space so I could be honest.

"I know. I didn't want to risk anyone picking up on my interest in you. I was just, drawn to you. I was like, 'wow, why the heck did I ever stop dating if men like this are out there.' I was genuinely pissed at myself for weeks. I saw your maturity in dealing with Eddie, your spirit on the job, your education, just talking with you and connecting on why you gave up a prestigious job to become a teacher. And then you sang, when you were playing with Eddie. We were all entranced, but I was like, I am a goddamn idiot. There are men out there like him. I'm sorry, it was just like something opened up in me and I started thinking 'this is so inappropriate at work and he's younger and he probably dates beautiful blondes with trust funds and he'll sue me for sexual harassment...'"

"Do you understand that I was thinking the same things about you?"

A warm shock came over me. I couldn't believe I'd just said that, and he'd met me right there rather than getting mad or running away. It was like a sparkler had just gone off in the room.

"You were not."

"Yes I was. I saw how you didn't stoop to the level of Crystal - she hates her job, and she was miserable to you. You were trying to make the day better. Then Ms. Shaw is well-intentioned, but she's inexperienced and over the top, and you were kind to her through the micromanaging. I was like who is this woman who puts up with being treated this way but still tries to help the kids and save us from ourselves. Plus she has great legs and ginger hair and doesn't wear sweatpants to work. And when you came out to recess, we had such a good time. I have to say when Eddie was doing that rhyming exercise with you and you started talking about your bed, I started having images..."

"Oh jeez, I say the dumbest things around you. But then you steered us back to the lesson gently, which I appreciated. When Eddie said you were funny and I wholeheartedly agreed, I was like 'he's going to know this creepy older lady is into him.' Because I can't help myself. I kept imagining pushing you into the storage closet."

"It's the whole reason I stayed this afternoon - I wanted to get to know you better. I didn't know if I'd get another chance."

"Gosh. Well, I'm glad you did. I hope you don't regret it."

"I don't. Quite the opposite."

I couldn't hold back anymore, and he didn't want me to. I leaned back over him, and my lips found his in the dim light. It was a long kiss, a slow burn that kindled and warmed us both. His tongue was gentle, and the connection it created was creeping down into my core.

I laid back on his chest, catching my breath.

"Do you want to sleep, or do you want to..."

"I don't think I can sleep. Can I do something I've been wanting to do since I met you?"

"Sure."

"Get on top of me."

I laid on top of Hans, straddling him with my thighs.

His hands moved down my back and settled on my ass, gently feeling the curves.

"My weightlifter's butt, eh."

"Two months now I've been wanting to feel it for myself."

"Feel away. I like it."

I braced my arms on the beanbag next to his head and kissed him again. He was definitely getting hotter.

My leggings were pretty thick and compressing, and if we were going to do this we should do it, right? I knew we'd crossed the line and that backing up wasn't remotely possible.

I took his hand and slid it under the fabric on my backside. I pulled away from the kiss, lying on his chest.

"Do you want me to take these off?"

"Yes," he said huskily.

He ignited the kiss again. I pulled off and shifted onto my back so I could struggle out of my tight leggings while staying mostly under the blankets.

I leaned back towards Hans, and he grabbed my thigh and pulled it across him as he kissed me again.

"Oh God," he said. "You're amazing. You feel so good."

His hand was all over my ass, getting dangerously close to the hot spots. He lost no time in sliding under my panties too. I knew they wouldn't last long and were already sloppy wet. His other hand slid up my back under my shirt, smoothly over my bare skin.

"Take off your sweater," I said. "I want to feel you too."

I laid back and he leaned up, pulling it up. I yanked up his t-shirt as well. I wanted him in the flesh, no barriers.

"You move fast." He laughed.

"You want me to slow down?" I smiled.

"God no. You too." He slid his hand under my shirt and moved upward. I got the picture. I slid off my tops, only the sports bra between us now.

"Come on," he said, smiling, tugging at it.

"You'll have to earn it, young man."

He leaned over and kissed me, and I pulled him right on top of me. I loved the feeling of being covered and pinned down, my breasts crushed against his firm chest. I ran my hands along his warm back, enjoying feeling his skin against mine.

He shifted down, his face at my chest.

"What about this," he said, sliding his nose under my bra. "Will this earn it?"

"Oh hell yes," I said. "That's my favorite..."

He pushed my bra up and took my breast into his mouth, reaching his hand up to massage the other. I squirmed beneath him, arching up into his mouth. He took a lot of time with both of them, circling and sucking and trying things that made me cry out.

"You make the best sounds," he paused to say.

"Well..."

I couldn't finish the thought, though, because I could feel his hardness on my leg, all the way through his thick jeans. My primal mind was making a new plan. Rapidly.

"Come up here. I um, if you want, can I..." I reached down and felt his ass before sliding my hand between us, feeling his hard cock as I looked into his eyes. My thin panties weren't much of a barrier, and he was starting to drive me over the edge. This first, though.

"You can do anything you want. Please." I looked into his eyes, and he was half smiling, half serious with passion. He kissed me briefly.

"On your back then, sir."

I pulled my bra off as he rolled over, and then I slid down under the blankets.

"Tell me what you like," I said as I dipped under, putting my face at his zipper.

I crouched down, trying to stay under the warm blankets as I slowly unzipped and then pulled his cock from his boxer briefs. He twitched as I gently stroked him. Hearing no objections, I took him into my mouth, the tip at first, licking, and then moving my mouth down over the head as I held the base in my hand. I heard him gasp, and he moved his hands down to my head, holding it gently. I could tell he'd be coming quickly after the long session of teasing, and I saw no reason to hold that back. I mouthed his balls, sucking gently, before returning to the shaft. I increased my speed, my lips around his shaft, and he started to warn me that he was coming. I'd forgotten how much I loved driving a man crazy, and I loved being so connected to Hans.

He said something in German. I felt his warm cum in my mouth, swallowed, and then I gently sucked him as he softened. He put his hands back on my head and gently guided me up. I laid back on his chest. He seemed lost for words. He put his warm arms strongly around me and kissed my forehead.

I pulled the blankets up to cover my shoulders. There was no shortage of heat under them, but the outside air was definitely chilly. I was glad we'd made the cave, for more reasons than that one.

"You okay?" I said after a while.

"How could I not be," Hans said. "I can barely find my English right now. You were amazing."