Sorority Girls Ch. 05

"So you're ready to stop lying?" I said, quickly getting over the shock from Aubrey's sudden appearance.

I watched her press her lips together into a thin line. The look on her face was the saddest I've ever seen. I've seen her sad dozens of times, but never like that.

She looked extremely tired, and that hit me like a truck. Knowing that I was part of the reason she was like that made me feel guilty and made all the anger I was previously feeling vanish. Even though I knew that I wasn't the only one to blame in this situation, I wanted to fix things, so I agreed to go with Aubrey to a café so we could sort things out between the two of us.

The café we picked wasn't very far; it was a tiny one inside the campus. Aubrey and I didn't say much on the way there, both of us probably feeling wary of the conversation ahead. After ordering, when the drinks arrived, she took a deep breath and finally began to talk.

"First of all, I just want to say that I'm so sorry for the way I've been acting these past few days, Sisi. I didn't mean to hurt you, but I know that I did."

"You know what hurts me the most about the way you've been acting?" I asked, looking deeply into her eyes, but she dropped her gaze to her cappuccino.

"The lies?" she answered, her voice barely a whisper.

I nodded and waited, but she didn't say anything, so I pushed her. "Aubrey, please talk to me," I said, reaching out for her hand and squeezing it in mine.

She finally looked me in the eyes again. I could see she was desperate, like a cornered animal. But she squeezed my hand back and let out a shaky breath, gathering the courage to keep going.

"Please, Sisi," she said, her eyes watery, "please don't hate me, please don't feel disgusted by what I'm about to tell you."

"Never," I said firmly.

After a pause that could have been just a minute but to me felt like many hours, Aubrey blurted out.

"I love you, Sienna. I've always loved you since we were teens. And it's not the same as the way you love me. It's not fraternal."

I felt my heart dropping, my mouth hung open from the shock, and not in a million years could I put my feelings at that moment into words. But Aubrey just kept going.

"I know it's wrong and disgusting. But I'm a broken woman, Sisi, and for years I've been trying to fix myself. I've tried so many things to get rid of these feelings." She paused and gulped down hard. At that moment, she was shaking. "And Jessica Chandler was one of them."

"What?" I wanted to ask what she meant, but in the state I was, I couldn't manage more than one word.

Aubrey stared at me, and just then, I saw it in her eyes. Beyond the despair and sadness, there was pity. She was pitying me. And that was terrifying.

"Jessica knows about my feelings, so she's using you, Sienna. She's using you to punish me for doing the same to her."

"No," I managed to say, but my voice was barely there. "You're lying."

"You'd know if this was a lie."

And that was when the world crumpled beneath my feet. I was shaking, feeling suffocated, my heart thundering against my chest to the point of pain. That couldn't be the truth. I didn't want to accept it. So, I got up and left. I couldn't take it anymore.

•••••

I stood in front of her door, tears burning their hot paths across my face. I had tried so hard to stop the tears, but it was useless; they just kept coming, and I didn't have time. I needed to talk to Jess now, so I knocked on her door in that pitiful state. Quickly, Jess opened the door.

"Sisi," she said, deeply worried by the state I was in. "What happened?!"

She tried to pull me into her arms like she always does to comfort me. For a fraction of a second, I wanted to let her, to pretend that the talk with Aubrey hadn't happened and that we could just stay inside our perfect little bubble. But I knew it was impossible, so I pushed her away and stared deeply into her eyes.

"Why? How could you do this?" I felt like there was a knot stuck in my throat; talking was so hard.

Jessica's eyes were wild, thoughts and feelings passing through them in a rush. She tried to reach out to me, and once again, I didn't let her. I could tell that it hurt her as much as it hurt me.

"Sienna, please. I don't know what Aubrey told you, but whatever it is, I can explain," her voice was shaking.

"So you know it was Aubrey?" I said, feeling my heart getting heavier and heavier. "You know, Jess, you know everything, so stop pretending."

"I'm not!" she said, desperate.

"Well then let me tell you!" I screamed at her between sobs, unable to contain the feelings that were forming a storm in my chest. "She said you knew that I was related to her and that-" I had to take a deep breath before finishing the sentence, but it was no use, I was suffocating. "That you're using me to take revenge for what she did to you because I'm the one she loves!"

Jessica froze. All color escaped her face; her features were still like a statue, only her eyes were alight.

"Sienna, please. I swear it's not like that anymore. I love you," she said.

"So Aubrey's not lying?"

Jessica paused, measuring her words carefully before speaking again.

"No, but-"

I knew Aubrey wasn't lying, but hearing it from Jess was totally different. It destroyed everything that was left in me. I didn't hear anything she said after 'No'. The only thing I was hearing was my heart thundering and blood rushing through my veins.

"We're done," it was all I managed to say before running away to god knows where.

•••••

And I walked and walked; aimlessly through town. Some people looked at me, wondering why there was a random girl crying on the streets, but I couldn't care less. I walked as if I could get away from the pain that my broken heart was causing me, but it was pointless. My phone rang again and again, but I kept it forgotten in my pocket. And when night fell, I entered the first hotel I came across and asked for a room.

When I entered the dark room, I couldn't even find it in me to turn on the lights. I just threw myself on the bed and surrendered to the pain.

I couldn't stop the whys: why did she do it? Why did it have to be like that? Why do things never work the way I want them to? But in the end, maybe it was my fault for thinking that I could have Jess. Loving and thinking I would be loved by her was a mistake, just like Icarus flying too close to the sun. The realization hurt, and at that moment, the thought crossed my mind: 'can people die from a broken heart?' Because it sure as hell felt like you could.

But I didn't die. I cried myself to sleep, and that was it.

•••••

I decided to have my breakfast in the hotel room since I didn't want to go out. As I chewed on a piece of buttered bread, I sent messages to my dad and my friends. Ideally, I didn't want to interact with anyone, but I was scared they might call the police if I didn't make it clear to them that I was fine.

I was ready to put my phone down and go back to drowning in tears, but a new message came through, and this one got my attention. It was from Harper. The text was just a simple 'where u at?' I had never exchanged messages with Harper, not because I didn't like her, but because we were never that close. I could have just not answered her, but for some reason, I decided to send her my hotel address. I felt like talking to someone, but I just felt too pathetic to talk to anyone I cared about, so Harper was fine. And she wouldn't pity me; Harper pitied no one.

It was a while before she arrived. Her knocks were loud and demanding. For a second, I regretted calling her over, but I managed to crawl out of bed and open the door for her. I was surprised to see that Harper looked tired and stressed, with bags under her eyes and messy hair put up in a lazy bun. It was the first time I saw her not looking impeccable.

"You look like shit," she said, frowning at me.

"Thanks, you too."

She rolled her eyes before barging in and plopping herself on the nearest armchair, sighing and pinching the bridge of her nose.

"How much did she tell you?" I asked.

"Everything - at least I think it was everything."

"Harper," I said, trying to make sure my voice was as steady as I could manage. "What are you doing here?"

Harper raised her head and stared at me with a tired but equally piercing gaze.

"I'm not sure, Sienna," she answered. "To be honest, I don't think there's anything I can do, but..." At that moment, she hesitated, pressing her lips and rubbing her eyes. "But I can't just see her like that and do nothing. Sisi, she's feeling destroyed."

"Really?" I said, feeling my anger rising and tears escaping my eyes. "Then how the fuck do you think I'm feeling?!" I screamed at her. "I gave her everything, Harper! I allowed myself to dive headfirst into our relationship, and she used me! She used me, and you couldn't in a million years understand how it feels because I'm the one who loves her more than anything."

"So you still do," she said, and it wasn't by any means a question.

At that point, the feelings once again overwhelmed me, and I had to let them out. So, I just sat on the floor, hugging my knees, and cried for the hundredth time in less than 24 hours. It wasn't a pretty cry; quiet and with sniffles. It was an ugly cry, with me sobbing and gasping for air as I drowned in tears.

"Why did she do this, Harper?" I managed to say between the sobs. "I wanted to stay with her forever. I love her so much, so why did she use me like that?"

"Sisi," Harper said carefully as she patted my back awkwardly. "I'm not here to give excuses about what she did, and I won't ask you to forgive and forget. But I need you to know. This stupid revenge thing isn't all there is in your relationship with Jess. Sienna, I've known Jessica for as long as I've lived, and I've never seen her happier than when she's with you. You fill her with life, and it might have started with her being petty about never getting Aubrey to love her, but you changed everything about her. She loves you more than she's been capable of loving anyone ever, and I don't know how the fuck you managed to make her fall like that, but it's the truth. Jessica loves you, Sienna."

I finally managed to contain my crying a little and stared deeply into Harper's eyes.

"How can I trust her, Harper? I don't want to get hurt again."

"Just talk to her," she said, squeezing my shoulders. "Not right now. It's too soon, and you're still hurting way too much. I'm not saying you have to trust or forgive or whatever, but please let her talk to you and listen to whatever the fuck she has to say before making any final decisions."

Harper was right. I could tell that the pain from the heartbreak was affecting me, especially my memories. It distorted things, turning sweet actions into manipulative ones and happiness into feeling stupid. But even with all the blurriness the pain caused in my mind, I could still see a bit through it. I could still see happiness and love. So I decided to follow Harper's advice; I wanted to try and listen to what Jess had to say.

"Tell her I'll be at the Italian restaurant on the main street tomorrow at 12:00 PM. She knows which one it is; she took me there once," I finally answered.

Harper let out her breath as if she had been holding it for too long, and her shoulders slumped, losing some of their tension.

"Thank you, Sienna," she said with the most sincerity I've ever seen from her.

"You don't have anything to thank me for. I'm doing this for myself."

•••••

I was sitting by the window, the phone ringing in my ear. Harper had left a couple hours ago, and after she did, I decided that before talking to Jess, I wanted to get things straight with Aubrey.

We hadn't talked since yesterday at the cafe. Even though she told me she loved me romantically, which was pretty shocking news, I was just so involved in my thing with Jess that I didn't give the fact proper attention. So I was calling her now to try and solve this.

"Hey," she said when she answered the phone, her voice low and weak.

"Hi, so how are you doing?" I said, already feeling how awkward the situation was.

"Not good. You?"

"Not good either."

The silence that settled in as I steadied myself to talk about the sensitive topic between us was heavy. I almost gave up and wondered if I should just pretend I didn't hear her confession, but I couldn't do that. So, I took a deep breath and started talking.

"I'm sorry about yesterday. I shouldn't have left so suddenly, and I also shouldn't have left you without an answer."

"You don't have to answer me, Sisi," she said, and I could clearly notice she was trying her best not to cry.

"Yes, I do," I said firmly. "Aubrey, I think after my dad, you're the one I love the most in my whole family, which isn't big, but you get the point. You're my big sister whom I love so very much, but I can't love you like anything else. To me, it's like we're blood, you understand?"

Right at that moment, I heard her start crying, the sobs escaping her throat against her will.

"I know all that," she finally managed to say. "I'll fix this, but please don't hate me."

"Aubrey," I said, trying to comfort her. "I would never hate you. Nothing has changed between us, and I'm sure you'll get through this. I'll do anything I can to help you."

"You'll stay with Jessica?" she suddenly asked, shocking me with the sudden shift of the topic.

"I-I don't know. Why are you asking that?"

"What do you mean you don't know? Look at what she did!" she said, heavily frustrated.

"Look, Aubrey, I don't want us to fight again, so please stop! Just trust me, let me make my own choices! I can take care of myself."

After that, we both kept silent for a while until Aubrey finally spoke again.

"You're right. I just don't want you to get hurt."

"I already did, so don't worry."

•••••

I arrived at the restaurant an hour earlier. I had spent the night tossing and turning in bed, unable to sleep from how anxious I was feeling. The day was cloudy, matching perfectly with my mood.

I sat at a table in the most private nook I could find, sipping some water because anything else would make me nauseous. And that's when I saw her.

Just like me, she arrived earlier. She was wearing a t-shirt and some jeans, her blonde hair up in a high ponytail. She looked tired, and I've never seen her going out so casually before, but even then, she looked beautiful. Seeing her only made me want to cry, but I promised myself to hold my tears for as long as I possibly could.

She looked around, and when she spotted me, I could see her face falling into the saddest expression I've ever seen on her. It was like a wave hit her. She quickly marched towards me, and instead of sitting on the chair that was right in front of me, she went to my side and kneeled beside me, holding my hand, staring at me with eyes like a storm.

"Sisi- Sisi, please don't ever disappear like that again. I was so afraid something would happen to you. I-I looked for you all night, and El was only able to contact you in the morning. I was so-"

"Stop, Jessica," I interrupted her, "please just sit down."

I could see the hurt in her eyes, but she complied, sitting in front of me. And we just kept quiet for a bit. I was steadying myself to talk, and she was not so patiently waiting.

"I want to know the truth, Jess," I said, frustrated with how my voice was shaking, "about us, so just tell me everything."

My heart was thundering against my chest, my hands sweating as I watched Jess squeeze her eyes shut and press her lips before she finally started talking. Her voice shaky like mine, a tone I've only heard once, that night when she said she loved me.

"There's not a lot to say about what happened between me and Aubrey. You know most of it. I fell in love with her, and we were together for a couple of months. I thought everything was amazing, and I was the happiest I've been by that time. And that's when she broke up with me by text with no further explanation." She took a shaky breath, and I could notice she was trying her best not to cry, and then she kept going.

"It was my first heartbreak, and after the sadness was gone, I was furious. I turned petty and started thinking of ways to get some kind of revenge on her. I hired a guy to hack her phone. He was the one who found out about her feelings for you and gave me the info."

"So you knew? You said you didn't know we were related. It was a lie, wasn't it?"

She took a deep breath before answering. "Yes. Not only did I know, but I planned for it. Suddenly claiming you during the hazing, seducing you the day after. I planned everything."

I was ready to get up. I wanted to leave, and I wanted to leave now. My blood boiled in my veins, and I was seeing red.

"You're the worst," I said bitterly.

"But you crashed all my plans," she said quickly, grabbing my hand. "Sisi, before you got into the sorority, I did some research about you, and I had that image of you in my mind, the kind and stupid girl who does everything others want her to. And you also thought that about yourself, didn't you?"

I didn't answer. Not because I didn't want to, but because she was right at that point.

"But you're nothing like that, Sienna," she said tenderly. "You're kind, but you know when to stand your ground. You're determined and so hardworking. And what surprised me the most is that you're able to live your feelings so intensely. You never get a little mad; you always get furious, especially with me. You don't get happy; you get euphoric, and you don't like things; you love them with all your heart, even someone like me."

As I stared deeply into Jess's eyes, I searched for any signs of dishonesty, any hint that she might be deceiving me. She knew I was wary, so she held both of my hands, squeezing them tightly.

"You crashed my plans when you made me love you, Sienna," she said. "When you yelled at me after the milkshake incident, when you gave your best to teach me to be kind, when you helped me with tasks I didn't want to do by myself, and so much more." She took a deep breath and carefully raised her hand to cup my cheek, drying a single tear that escaped from my attempts to contain it. "I love you, Sienna. That was never a lie. I wanted to hurt Aubrey, but suddenly I was completely consumed by you. I love you so much, and as soon as I noticed that, I stopped this stupid revenge thing. But I wasn't brave enough to tell you. I was scared of losing you."

And that's when I broke down. Fuck, I wanted so badly not to cry, but the tears just started flowing, one after the other. The sobs that were trapped in my throat escaped, and I pressed my face against my palms, just giving up and letting it happen.

"Sisi," I heard Jess say tenderly, "please forgive me. I was a coward about everything, and I hurt you because of it. I understand my mistakes, and I'm so sorry. Please, please let me fix this."

I could see Jess getting more and more frustrated because, for the first time, her tender voice wasn't enough to comfort me. I was so emotionally hurt that I felt the pain almost to a physical degree, and maybe seeing me like that exposed to her even more the severity of what she had done.

"Tell me what to do, please," even though she was trying to sound calm, I could tell how desperate she was.

"I want to go home," I managed to say between sobs.

"Home? You mean where your father and Mrs. Walker live?"

"No! Home, Jess! I want to go back to the sorority house."

"Okay! We'll go now."

She quickly paid the bill and drove us in her car back to the sorority. She took me through a back door so no one would see me in that state and guided me to her room. And the whole way, I couldn't stop crying.

"Please," she said after I was sitting on her bed, "tell me what to do, Sienna. Seeing you like this is the worst thing that ever happened in my life. It's even worse because I know it's my fault."