WARNING: If you have been exposed to HIV (Humor Immune Virus) do not read this story. You may crack a smile, or even in rare cases, laugh. LYG
"I'm so sorry Charlie,"
Well, that wasn't too bad, I figured hearing I had six months to live would make me feel a lot worse. But after getting the news, I was, well, I was ok. Hell, this news didn't even hurt as bad as a root canal.
I bet you wouldn't have taken the news this well, go on, admit it, you'd have been crying and screaming. You big fuckin' baby, I took it like a man. Shit, I even went back to work after leaving Bob's office. Oh, you know Bob, the doctor I play golf with, he's the one that just handed me my death sentence. He's an eight handicap, I'm a six.
I went to Bob for a routine physical, some insurance bullshit. He called me in after he got all the test results in, he says it some kind of nuclear melon coma of my bilateral clavicle thingy. I'm no doctor, so all I got out of it was six months to a year at best. Hey, do you want to go have a greasy cheeseburger with me? No use watching my diet now, what's it gonna do kill me? I might even order some onion rings.
So, that all happened a couple of weeks ago. A lot has happened since then, you probably want me to tell you about it. No? Then why the fuck are we sitting at this bar talking? Ah, fuck you, I'm gonna tell the story anyway.
I did have that cheeseburger, and I did go back to work. The day was much like any other, paperwork and phone calls, sort out someone else's problems... Go see Bob, find out I'm dead meat, walk out of Bob's office without my pants, drive around aimlessly trying to remember where my office is located... Go back to get my pants, do more paperwork and then go home to my loving wife.
My loving wife Mary, I was just about to shit on her parade. She was going to be devastated, I'd taken the news pretty well up until that point. I was standing at my front door wondering how I would tell her, how do you tell someone you've loved over half your life, you're going to die?
How would Mary do it? She's a pretty no-nonsense kind of woman, always has been. Mary walks right up to me and tells me what she wants, that's how we got together. I was dating one of Mary's friends back then, she cornered me at a party, and told me we were going to get married. It seemed pretty farfetched to me, but that's what happened twenty something years ago.
No girl had ever chased after me before, not that I minded the attention, but still, it shocked me. I never considered myself a real catch, however, Mary did. I wasn't in her league, I would have never even asked her to dance, let alone get married. She told me later that she saw something in me, and that I'd always be there for her. I guess I'm going to fool her.
As I flipped the lever on the door, I decided to do it Mary's way. I wasn't going to beat around the bush, just come right out with it. I walked into the house to a big "SURPRISE." The room was filled with all of my family and friends, a great big fucking surprise birthday party, complete with balloons and cake, all for little ol' me. I'm pretty sure my face showed the proper amount of shock, it was real, and this was the last thing on earth that I wanted right now.
How the hell was I supposed to tell Mary that I was a dead man walking, I could see my mom and dad were there, they'd have flown halfway across the country to be there for me. My kids were both there also, I wasn't ready to tell everybody at once. I had to swallow all the words that I'd prepared for my wife, I'd have to do it later.
I should have expected something like this, it was my fiftieth birthday. Mary loved to throw parties, I think we celebrated Yugoslavian forth of July once. She could have made a career out of it, but she just did it for the fun.
My chagrin must have been pretty apparent to Mary, she asked me,
"What's wrong Baby? You look like someone stole your puppy."
"It's nothing, I just wasn't planning on all of these people," I shrugged.
"Oh, I know what it is, you were expecting your other surprise in the bedroom. Don't worry Baby, you can have that too, you just have to wait until everyone has left," she whispered and winked.
Yeah, like that was going to happen tonight. Sex was the second to the last thing on my mind right now. Mary was in her element, she tended to all our guests like the proper hostess. Once in a while, I would catch Mary stopping to stare and smile at me. I've watched her do that since we started our lives together without knowing I saw her, she would stop what she was doing, look at me and smile contentedly. That simple act, told me Mary loved me the same after all these years.
The end of the party couldn't come too soon for me, but it did finally end. When I locked up for the night and went to bed, Mary was waiting for me in my new birthday present. She was lovelier than ever in that long black lacy gown, Mary had gained about twenty pounds since we'd married and they all went to the right places.
It was our custom to spend the night making love after one of her parties, but tonight would be the first time that I let her down. God I was such a pathetic excuse for a man right now, I could only hope the remaining days I had wouldn't be the same. This whole day came crashing down on me, and it gave me a headache. After Mary was asleep, I got up to get some aspirin. When I went to the medicine cabinet, the bottle was empty. Mary always kept something for a headache in her purse.
I wandered down to the kitchen, and started my search. How women ever find shit in their handbags, I'll never know. I dumped the contents of her purse on the table, there they were, thank God. As I threw the pills back, my eye caught a glimpse of something that shouldn't be on the table. I almost choked when I found the empty condom packets. Twelve of them, what the Fuck, we hadn't used condoms, ever. Mary had been on the pill, and I'd been snipped after our youngest was born.
All I could think at the time was, "I'm sorry Charlie." How many people do you know that are given the death sentence twice in one fucking day. Isn't that called double jeopardy? Well happy fucking birthday to me. I went to the cupboard and got one of those Big Gulp cups that Mary saves, that's a lot of whiskey in one glass. I needed it right then to calm the voices in my head, and there were many of them.
"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."
"You're gonna die loser."
"Kill the cheating bitch."
"I'm sorry Charlie."
"You fuckin' wimp."
"Hey, put some ice in that whiskey."
The last one was the only one that made any sense, but I was too far gone by then to remember what drawer she kept the ice was in. Ice, ha, that's funny, I felt like the Titanic after it crashed into the iceberg. My soul had a big gaping hole in it, my Mary was cheating on me. Hadn't I always been a good husband to her? What a cruel way to put punctuation to the end of Charlie. At least the voices were passed out from the whiskey, they never could hold their liquor.
I awoke with the step sister of all hangovers, don't even try to figure out what I just said, trust me, it was a bad one. Mary had covered me with a blanket at some point, hell, she still had some felling for me. That's some comfort huh. I needed some more aspirin, but I wasn't going to dig through Mary's purse again. I found some pills in the bathroom, I should have read the label before I swallowed them.
I found it was a very bad Idea to take laxatives with a hangover, I think I expelled that cheeseburger nine times. If only I could have shit my brains out, they were what was causing all the pain. After four or five hours on the throne, there probably wasn't a sesame seed left in my stomach. But all the feelings of betrayal were intact.
Never once in the twenty six plus years of my marriage had I doubted Mary. How could she do this to a dying man, couldn't she have waited until I was buried at least? What a stupid fucking thing to think, she didn't know I was a goner. I hadn't told her about that yet, well maybe I won't. Let that be my big surprise to her, we would both wake up one morning and I would be dead. Shut up! You know what I mean.
That was it, she had her dirty little secret, and I had mine. I spent the rest of the day promising myself that I'd never drink again for the rest of my life, what little there was left of it.
Though I've never been a vengeful sort of guy, the idea began to appeal to me. As a matter of fact, there were a lot of things I'd never done in my life that started to look pretty darn good to me. I'd never jumped from an airplane, it was too risky. I'd never owned a sports car, also risky and expensive. The one thing that occurred to me as the ultimate risk was to have an affair. It was never something to consider before, but now I could see some advantages to trying it. Mary needed to know how much it hurt, she'd done it to me and the pain was killing me. Not technically, it was the Melanesian thing, but you get the drift.
I decided to give her something she could remember fondly when she was old and gray, a cheating assed husband. Yeah, I was going to fuck around a little on the side. Tear off a piece here and there, I didn't have a lot of time left, but I was going to go down in a blaze of glory. Let's see whose sorry now, huh Charlie.
Yep, today is the first day of the end of my life. I was always the play it safe guy, I thought about the consequences of everything, well not anymore. The very worst case scenario, I would die. That was going to happen anyway, so why worry about it.
Who could I have an affair with? Let's see, my secretary? No, she was a nice girl with a family. I didn't want to screw up anyone else's life, just Mary's and mine. Who did I know that was single, which one of them would piss Mary off the most? Her sister, yeah, that had some possibilities. Karen was divorced, and recently too. She might be getting a little horny by now, it might work. Who else? Her mother, now that would be something to set her off. Mary would hit the fucking roof.
Mary's dad had died quite a few years back, Ellen probably hadn't been properly fucked for twenty or twenty five years. What the hell, why not, what did I have to lose? Ellen was pretty fit, it couldn't be that bad, could it? This would be a piece of cake, she'd probably beg me to fuck her when she sees my hard cock. That's the way it always works in those porn stories, yeah, she would be begging for it in no time.
Plan A, fuck Mary's mom. I was getting my life back on track, albeit a short track. How do I play things at home? Do I cut Mary off, ignore her, or do I play it cool? That's the way to go, cool as a jewel. Just pretend everything is fine, no worries, as the Aussies say. I made up for my previous lacking performance in bed a few nights later, Mary thought it was all for her, but I was really polishing up my technique for Ellen. I didn't want to disappoint the old girl.
I was sitting in my recliner thinking about how to approach Ellen, just staring out the window. Mary had just come out of the kitchen, she stopped and looked at me like she always does. But this time, instead of her usual smile at the end, she gave me a sad look and shook her head. So there it was, another sign she'd been untrue. Looking at the old fool, with "sorry Charlie" pasted all over her face. I knew for sure now, that look that had always assured me before, was gone now.
My opportunity with Ellen came on the next weekend, Mary was at her sisters and Ellen needed a ride to bingo. It was now or never, I thought. Life was too short not to take chances, Ellen was going to get the high hard one.
Thinking of what was about to happen, I played with my cock all the way on the drive to Ellen's house. She met me in the driveway, I helped her into the car and closed the door for her. As soon as I got into the drivers side, I unzipped my pants and pulled out my hard on.
Ellen glanced down at my swollen meat, "Charlie, are you ok?" she asked with concern written all over her face.
"Just feeling a little frisky," I replied.
"Well do you think it's prudent to drive around with your penis exposed?" she inquired nonchalantly.
"Haven't you just ever wanted to be a little naughty, maybe show off a little?" I teased.
"Oh, you mean like this?" she said, as she pulled up her skirt exposing her bare shaved pussy and black garter belt.
"ELLEN?" I was the shocked one now. Seeing Ellen's old bare pussy made me swerve, and we almost hit the back of a garbage truck. I could just picture the headlines, 'Pervert Kills Mother-in-law with Garbage Truck'.
"Charlie, you really are amusing. Though I am really flattered by the offer, why in the world would you think I'd be interested in fucking a middle aged man? I've screwed one of them into the grave already," she laughed.
With my dick shrinking out of sight now, "Oops, I guess this was not such a good idea now," I murmured.
"Oh Charlie, you are such a sweet thing, but I have all the cock I want waiting for me. We're not really going to bingo, I need a ride to the hotel on Main Street. You might as well know, I meet with a couple of young gentlemen a few times a week."
"A couple? As in two?"
"Yes dear boy, a couple. I'm sure that surprises you, but I was a faithful wife until Harry died. I soon realized that I still had needs, there was no reason for me not to satisfy them."
"But Ellen, a couple, at the same time?" I asked, incredulously.
"Charlie don't be such a prude, if you'd offered me your cock many years ago, I'd have given you a ride to remember. But I've gotten attached to my young men now, I don't think you could handle the action, so to speak."
Our drive to the hotel was made in silence, was Mary going to act like that when I was gone? Oh fuck, she was already doing it, I guess it runs in the family, well fuck me silly and feed me fishsticks!
As I dropped Ellen at her rendezvous, she turned to me and kissed me on the cheek, "If only you'd been a little sooner...sorry Charlie," Then she flashed me her bare pussy again and was off to her gangbang.
So much for the old girl begging for it, my ego was about as big as my shrunken dick right now. The only way I could feel any worse right now, was if I were dying of some incurable disease...duh.
Can this fucking hole I'm in possibly get any fucking deeper? You wouldn't think so.
Ferrari? No, too Italian. Corvette? Nah, to American. Porsche? Nein, to small. Cobra? No, yeah, no, yeah, yeah, YES! I put the affair on hold for a while, time to do something else stupid.
Did you ever try to find a car like that? Shit, I'd be dead two years before I ever got to drive the damn thing. Why does every thing I touch turn to shit lately? I go for a routine physical, the doctor says I'm dying. My wife of twenty six years has turned into a sex crazed slut. I can't even seduce a seventy year old woman because I'm not man enough for her, what's next?
Plan B, fuck Mary's sister Karen. Now after the last botched seduction attempt, I held a little more hope. I asked Mary about it rather innocently, Karen was not seeing any men. If all of the women in that family were as sex crazed as Ellen, Karen would be grateful to have a hard dick after going without for six months.
I used the direct approach, I had a key to her apartment. I waited until I knew she was in bed, I snuck in. I felt like a cat burglar, using stealth and intellect to secure my prize. I carefully removed all of my clothes before entering the bedroom, I could make out the outline of her sleeping form. She was covered with just a sheet, perfect, just sneak in and slide up from behind. "Wrap your arms around her, play with her naked breast. Slip your hardness between her legs, she's putty in your hands." I thought to myself.
Ever so slowly I crept to her bed, carefully trying not to wake her. My plan was working perfectly. She was naked, my fingers played with her hardening nipple. The light coming on didn't register for a second, but when the sheet flew back and I heard Karen yell, "WHAT THE FUCK," I hit the earth with a thud.
"Charlie? What the hell do you think you're doing? Are you out of your fucking mind?" she spewed.
"Karen, I..." just then I realized why Karen hadn't been seeing any men. There were three of us in bed, all naked, and only one penis in the bunch. I curled up into a little ball and cried, and cried, and cried...
Karen held me in her arms like a baby, I wept until I could not shed another tear. Her lesbian lover Judy got in on the act too, she stroked my hair and gave me mother kisses on the forehead. Well how many guys do you know that can honestly claim to have slept with two lesbians? I have that at least, even if we did only sleep.
This whole dying thing ain't all it's cracked up to be. It's certainly put a serious crick in my neck, I could feel those fucking voices coming back, and they were pissed off.
Karen had been a peach about dealing with my inappropriate behavior. Judy had too, I hoped they'd be very happy together.
As I was walking out the door, Karen asked, "Charlie, what the hell was this all about? I know you Charlie, this isn't you. You're not like this, come on Charlie, spill it."
"Karen, it's so hard to explain..." I hesitated.
"No Charlie, it's not. All you have to do is say the words, it's not like you're going to die, jeez," she sighed.
"Yes it is, that's exactly what it's like."
"Come on Charlie, stop joking around this could be serious. What the fuck do you think would have happened if I had let you fuck me? What if Mary found out? What then?"
"Hopefully by then, I'd be dead."
"Charlie..." she asked, thinking of what I'd just said.
"I'm dying Karen, the doctor told me six months to a year, no more."
She came to me and hugged me, "My God Charlie, I'm so sorry."
I pushed her away, "Yeah, everybody's sorry. You're sorry, I'm sorry, the doctor is sorry. So tell me Karen, why don't I feel any better? All the pity in the world won't help me now."
"Mary must be dying inside with you," her hand covered her mouth in shock.
"She doesn't know, and I'm not going to tell her."
"Charlie, that's totally crazy, she has every right to know," she gasped.
"No she doesn't, she gave up that right when she slept with another man. There, I said it, are you happy?"
"Charlie, now I know that we're dealing with a serious mental problem here. You're a fool if you think Mary would ever cheat on you. She loves you, that's never going to change no matter what."
Plan C, confront Mary. How could this be any worse than plan A or B, at least I'll die in peace. Besides, the shit was going to hit the potato peeler as soon as Karen calls Mary.
Mary was waiting for me at the door, I didn't make a habit of sleeping with naked lesbians, and I'd never stayed out all night without calling her before. She hugged me, I was expecting a slap. Maybe she hadn't talked to Karen yet, that wouldn't really change anything though, we still had to put all our cards on the clothes hamper.
"Where were you Charlie, you had me worried sick."
"I had some things to do Mary," I replied coldly.
"Charlie, we need to talk, you've been acting... Well, a little... abnormal lately. I think I know the reason, but we need to discuss this. I can't sit back anymore and let you go through this alone."
"What is it that you think you know that I don't know that you know?"
"See Charlie, that's what I mean, you can't even speak coherently any more. When I talked to Bob the other day, I told him that I'd do my best not to upset you..."
I interrupted, "Bob! You talked to Bob? That big mouthed son-of-a-goddamned-rotten-low-lifed-cum-sucking-motherfucking-bitch. He had no right to tell you I'm dying!"