Spellman Ch. 05

Monday, July 22nd, 2013

"Tori, we can't."

"Why not?" She looked like she was ready to start crying again any moment.

"What about Melissa? I thought you two had rules about me tonight."

"She'll understand. Please, Ryan. I need you to love me."

I held her tight. "I don't think that's a good idea right now, Tor. I'm pretty sure Melissa would be upset if she knew. If you two didn't have your rules, I'd probably still be over at your apartment with her. She had to stop me earlier, even though she wanted to keep going. You're important to her, she didn't want to mess up anything between the two of you."

"I don't deserve her." She started to cry again. "I don't deserve you. I don't deserve anything."

"That's not true, Tor. We both love you, and you deserve to be happy."

"I messed everything up, Ryan," she said through sobs. "Everything was perfect and I messed it up."

"I think this is about more than just us breaking up seven years ago. Do you want to tell me what's really going on?"

She shook her head. "I... I can't. Not right now. Please, Ryan, I just need you to love me. Please."

My heart was breaking to see her like this. Tori had always been such a strong, vibrant girl. The only time I had ever seen her cry like this was when she broke her ankle during the conference championship game her sophomore year. She had been stoic on the field, but as soon as we were on the way to the hospital she broke down, not because of the pain but because she felt like she had let her teammates down. Every urge I had was to comfort her, to kiss her, to carry her into my bedroom and make love to her like she wanted, but I knew it wouldn't be right. She was extremely hurt and vulnerable over something she wouldn't explain to me yet, and I couldn't take advantage of that. It wouldn't be right for her, for me, or for Melissa. "I'm sorry, Tor. I do love you, and I want you to be happy, but I don't think that's a good idea tonight."

She pressed her head against my chest and continued to cry. I simply wrapped my arms around her and held her close, rubbing her back softly. I don't know how long it took, but eventually she stopped crying. She was quiet, her breath steady. She'd cried herself to sleep. Gently, I picked her up, carried her into my room, and laid her down on the bed. Then I walked back out into my living room. I grabbed my phone to text Melissa.

Hey, Tori showed up at my place. She's really upset about something, but she won't tell me what's going on. Cried herself to sleep. I put her down in my room, I'm gonna sleep on the couch.

It didn't take long for her to text back. I don't know if she'd been waiting up for Tori to come home or text her.

You can sleep with her, if you want. It's fine.

I don't think that's a good idea.

Okay.

You could come sleep with me on the couch, if you want.

:-) and I don't think *that's* a good idea.

Are you sure you can't tell me what's going on with her? She was really upset.

It's not for me to tell you. I'm sure she'll explain everything soon. She just was hoping she could ease you into it.

Alright. I'll let her do things in her own time, I'm just worried.

I know. You're sweet. Don't worry, she'll be okay.

Are you sure you don't want to come over?

No I'm not, but I shouldn't. I'll be over there on Friday though, maybe I'll stay the night then ;-)

I'd like that.

She responded with a picture of herself in bed, her curly blonde hair spread out behind her on her pillow as she made a kissy face.

Goodnight, Ryan. Thank you for taking care of her. And for telling me what's going on. You're a great guy.

Goodnight, Melissa. I'll talk to you tomorrow.

I sent her a picture of myself from the waist up, lying down on the couch. Yes, I made sure to flex a bit.

Never mind, you're evil.

;-) goodnight cutie.

Goodnight, sexy asshole.

I went back to my room to check on Tori. She was still sound asleep. I slipped her shoes off and pulled the blanket over her. Then I grabbed one of my pillows and my phone charger and went back to the couch. As I lay there, I did my best not to try to imagine what had happened to make Tori so upset. In all likelihood whatever I came up with was worse than reality, and it didn't do me, or her, any good to get upset over whatever scenario my brain came up with. She would tell me when she was ready and, whatever it was, I'd be there for her.

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When my alarm went off at five forty-five, I was not alone on the couch. Tori had joined me sometime during the night, curling herself up against me as my little spoon. She had taken off her shirt, so my hand was resting on her bare stomach, just below her black bra. I did my best to get up without disturbing her, but she mumbled something as I climbed over her.

I kissed her on the top of her head. "I need to go to the gym. I'll be back later. Just go back to sleep."

"Mmmhmm," she replied. Then she rolled over and did so. She looked so peaceful, much better than the distraught woman I had seen last night. I realized that last night was the first time we had ever actually slept together, as in slept in the same bed overnight, or I guess couch, in this case. Sure, we had sex all the time during the three years we dated, but being in high school meant we really didn't have any good opportunities for overnight visits. I wrote a note and left it on the coffee table, and then I texted her as well, just in case she woke up before I got back and didn't remember me leaving.

I arrived at the gym just before six. Paul was already there, grabbing his bag out of the trunk of his car. "Mornin' sunshine. Back day?"

I nodded. "Back day." We headed inside and got started.

About twenty minutes minutes into our workout, Paul asked if I had anywhere to be this morning. "I've got some time to kill before a meeting at nine. You want to go grab some breakfast after this?"

"That sounds great man, but can I take a raincheck? I've actually got someone at my apartment right now, and I want to get back before she wakes up if I can."

"Sure thing, we can do another day." Then he gave a light punch to my shoulder. "So, you got a girl back at your apartment, huh? Didn't realize you were such a ladies' man."

"It's not like that. She's an old ex-girlfriend. I guess something happened last night and she needed a shoulder to cry on, so she came to me." I didn't tell him that she actually had wanted to sleep with me and I'd told her no. Or that her roommate had also wanted to sleep with me.

"Ah, yes, the strong, sensitive type. Or the gay best friend."

I snorted. "Definitely not the gay best friend."

"Hey man, it's cool if you are. This is a safe space."

"Fuck off," I said, laughing. "She was just in a rough place last night and I didn't want to take advantage of her like that."

"It's cool man, I'm just messing around. Good to know my new workout buddy is a nice guy."

Right on time, six-thirty a.m. sharp, the Glorious Goddess of Glutes walked into the gym. My eyes immediately locked onto Miss Triple G and followed her divine derriere as she crossed the room. Paul laughed. "Okay, yeah, definitely not gay."

I shook my head. "Shit, man. I've just never seen anything like it."

"I plead the fifth. Now get back to your lifts." We resumed our workout and I did my best not to creep too hard on Miss Triple G. I was mostly successful, but not entirely. After another twenty-five minutes or so we finished our workout. I had originally planned on starting to shower and change at the gym, but with Tori at my apartment I decided to just head back there as soon as possible. As I was about to leave, Paul stopped me. "Hey man, let me get your cell, if you don't mind. We'll figure out another day to do breakfast."

"Sure thing." I gave him my number and he sent me a text to I would have his as well. "See you tomorrow."

I raced back to my apartment. When I walked in Tori was no longer asleep on the couch, but I could hear the shower running. My mind immediately conjured up an image of Tori naked in my shower, and my body responded as you might expect. I briefly considered just walking in and joining her, but quickly decided that would still be a bad idea. Instead, I made a cup of coffee and some toast and put them on the kitchen table for her. I heard the shower turn off, and a couple minutes later Tori emerged from my room, wearing one of my t-shirts and drying her hair with one of my towels.

"Good morning, beautiful," I said. "How'd you sleep?"

"A lot better once I cuddled up with you, even if that couch isn't the most comfortable thing in the world. I'm sorry you had to sleep there. If you didn't think we should sleep together you could have just left me on the couch so you could be in your own bed."

"I wanted you to be comfortable, and yeah, I didn't think it was a great idea to be in bed together last night. It was a nice surprise to wake up with you in my arms though. Did you realize that's the first time we've ever actually slept together overnight?"

She nodded. "Yeah, I did. That's why I wanted to do it. Well, part of why. It's something I always wished we could have done in high school, and it was just as nice as I imagined it would be. I felt so safe sleeping in your arms."

"I'm glad. Here, I made you some breakfast." I gestured to the table.

"Oh, Ryan, you didn't have to do that. Thank you. And sorry for using your shower. I just really felt like I needed one."

"It's fine, don't worry about it. I'm going to go grab a quick shower myself while you eat though. And then maybe when I'm done we can talk?"

"Yeah, sure. We can talk."

"Good." I gave her a kiss on the cheek. "I'll be back out in a bit. There's more coffee on the counter if you need it."

I didn't rush through my shower, but I did make it quick. I was anxious to talk to Tori and figure out what was going on, at the very least so I could have something objective in my head instead of all of the crazy possibilities that my brain kept inventing. When I came back out to the living room Tori was sitting on the couch, sipping at her coffee and staring at the wall. I sat down and put my arm around her. She leaned into me and rested her head on my shoulder. We sat there together in silence like that for several minutes before she sighed, put her coffee on the table, and turned to face me.

"Okay, so. This is going to be a lot, but please bear with me." She bit her lip. "Do you know how long it had been since we'd seen each other, before yesterday?"

I smiled and nodded. "Two-thousand, four-hundred and thirty-four days."

Her gloomy expression was replaced with a smile for just a moment. "I guess I wasn't the only one thinking about that." She sighed, and the gloom returned. "These two-thousand, four-hundred and thirty-four days were nothing like I thought they'd be when I broke up with you, but I need to tell you some of what I've been through so you can better understand who I am today."

I nodded but didn't say anything, then took one of her hands in mine and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

"Might as well start with the big thing first, since it's sort of the cause of everything else." She took a deep breath. "I have a son. His name is Anthony, and he'll be seven in a few weeks."

I started to feel a bit dizzy as my brain tried to process that. Tori has a kid? His name is Anthony. My middle name is Anthony. And he's almost seven years old. I tried to do the math in my head. How many weeks is a few? Three? Five? How long exactly does pregnancy take?

Tori saw the look on my face and rescued me from my mental spiral. "He's not yours."

I let out a breath that I didn't know I had been holding. "Okay, but..."

"I know. Yes, I did sort of name him after you, even if he's not your son. I was still in love with you, and couldn't believe that I was going to have a baby with some guy who wasn't you. But remember I also have a grandfather named Antonio. And yes, the math is pretty close. I got knocked up by the first guy I slept with after we broke up. Pretty stupid, huh?"

I still didn't know what to say.

"Anyways. We broke up, and then a few weeks later I got knocked up. And that's where things started to go downhill." Tori sniffled and wiped her eyes. "I didn't know what to do. I obviously considered an abortion, but in the end I just couldn't go through with it. I knew I would have to tell my parents eventually, but I was terrified, and apparently rightfully so. I got really sick while I was pregnant. I tried to manage it, but I couldn't. It started affecting school, and soccer, and everything. Finally I had to tell my parents. They were furious. They yelled and screamed and cried. And then they kicked me out of the house." Tori would have just turned eighteen on December fifteenth that year. "Luckily my car was in my name, or they probably would have taken that too. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone what had happened, so I lived in my car for a few weeks before Dayna Stephens figured out what was going on and told her parents. They took me in and let me live with them. By this point I was so far behind in school. My soccer season was toast, and schools started rescinding their scholarship offers as soon as it became clear what a mess my life had become. I was still really sick through all of this, and I just ended up withdrawing from the last semester of high school entirely. I'll spare you the details, but it took me a long time to get back on track. If the pregnancy was tough, childbirth was even worse, and I nearly died." She stopped to get herself back under control.

I pulled her close and held her. "It's okay, Tor. It's okay."

"And then Kyle, that's Anthony's father, he and his family sued for custody. I was a single mother, with no diploma, no job, and no real support structure after my parents kicked me out. I was basically homeless even though the Stephens had been letting me live with them. Kyle said that Anthony would be better off with him and his family." She started to cry again. "And the worst part was that he was right. I felt like such a failure. My whole life had been ruined, all of my plans, all of my dreams, and then I don't even get to keep the one good thing that came out of it. I thought about killing myself a lot that first year. I never actually attempted suicide, but I got close. I had plans, I had everything ready, but I never went through with it, thank god."

"It took me a long time to get myself back on track. Dayna's family was a big help. They're my real family now. I've only spoken to my parents twice since Anthony was born. I do Thanksgiving and Christmas and all that with the Stephens now. Eventually I made up my last credits from high school and started at community college. I overloaded myself with classes during the day and then worked at night until I managed to catch up to where I should have been and transferred to SDSU. I graduated and got my job at Spellman. I got to see Anthony more and more. Kyle and I even tried to have a relationship after I got myself into a better situation, but it just didn't really work. The only connection we ever really had was a single hookup that made our son. So we broke up, and he started dating this girl Kayla."

Tori made a disgusted face when she said the name Kayla. "She's awful. I hate her, and I hate that she gets to be more of a mother to my son than I do. For months now she's done everything she can she limit how often I get to see him. And then, last night..." She had to take several deep breaths to keep from breaking down again. "...last night, Kyle called me and told me that I needed to come over to his house so we could talk. When I got there, Anthony was asleep, and Kyle and Kayla were sitting in the kitchen. First, they told me that they were getting married. But then Kayla told me that once they're married, she wants to adopt Anthony. This bitch wants me to give up what little rights I already have to my son! They know it will be a bitch of a court fight if I don't terminate my rights, so they're trying to get me to agree to do it voluntarily. She threatened to keep me tied up in family court bullshit until I go bankrupt. Kyle's family has some money, but Kayla's has a ton. This fucking bitch! She thinks she can push me around, push me out of my son's life, just so she can feel more like his real mom. Well she's not! She's not his fucking mom! I am! I'm his mom!"

Tori started sobbing again, and it took me a moment to realize that I was crying right along with her. She cried and cried, just repeating "I'm his mom," over and over again. I couldn't do anything but hold her in my arms and slowly rock her. It took several minutes for her to regain any semblance of control. "Kyle's parents moved to Texas earlier this year. I just know that as soon as they get married they're going to try and follow them out there. They're trying to take my son away from me, Ryan. I won't let them. I won't let them take my baby away."

"I know you won't, Tor. And I won't either. I'll help you, however I can." I kissed her on the top of her head and just held her in silence for a long time, until my phone buzzed. It was a text from Melissa.

Hey, is T still there? She's not responding to my texts. Is she okay?

Yes, she's here. And no, she's not. Not really. She told me what's been going on, but things got worse than you even know last night. I'm going to try to get her home so she can talk to you.

"Hey Tor. Do you think you're okay to drive? Melissa is really worried about you. We should probably try to get you home. I can drive you if you need, or just follow you in my car."

Tori sniffled. "Yeah, I can drive. Give me a few minutes to wash my face and put some clothes on."

"You can keep that t-shirt, if you want. You'll probably want to put some pants on, though."

She gave a small laugh, the first I'd heard from her in a while, and then disappeared into my room. I texted Melissa again.

We'll be back there in about twenty-five minutes.

Okay, thanks Ryan. See you soon.

Tori emerged from my room a few minutes later, wearing the clothes she'd arrived in last night. "I'm going to do the walk of shame in my clothes from last night and I didn't even get laid. This sucks." At least she can joke about things right now.

She got into her car and I followed her back to her apartment. Melissa met us at the door and immediately wrapped Tori up in a hug. They went into Tori's room to talk, but left the door open. I decided to give them some space and just sat on the couch. I could hear as Tori started to tell Melissa what had happened with Kyle and Kayla last night. Then she started to cry again, and then Melissa started to cry. They seemingly fed into each other with some sort of crying feedback loop. Eventually they settled down and resumed their conversation, though they were quieter now and I couldn't quite make out what they were saying. It was another ten minutes before Melissa stepped out of Tori's room. She came over to the couch and sat right on my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck and placing a big kiss on my lips.

"Thank you for being there for her and for taking care of her, both last night and this morning. I'm sorry I couldn't give you more of a heads up about what was going on in her life, but I'm sure you understand now why she had to be the one to tell you."

"I do. I'm glad I heard it all from her. You're a great friend to her, Melissa. I'm happy she has you."

She kissed me again, a long one that was full of passion even though our mouths stayed closed the whole time. "I'm happy that you're here for her now, too. She really needs you right now, maybe even more than she needs me. And that's why I think you need to go her right now. She needs to feel loved."