Splashdown Ch. 01

Peggy was a beautiful woman and it was beautiful that she could read me so well. She came to me one day taking my hand, pulling me to the couch, sitting me down, and nesting into me, her back to my chest. I wrapped my arms around her, breathing in the fragrance of her hair.

"You have been a rock, Gary. You have supported me every which way: from here to the moon," she said smiling. "So, what's wrong?"

Obviously, I was not as good at hiding my concerns as I hoped. I told you I would never cut it as a full-on field agent. I hesitated so she filled in.

"Gary, I got some news today. I don't want to repeat my past mistake. There are more cutbacks in the budget. They are scaling back the human based trips. Resupply will now be by disposable non pressurized cargo containers."

I knew what this meant before she spoke the words. "I'm still on deck. But I won't be coming back in three months." I felt her tighten. She pulled my arms around her more tightly in response.

Peggy paused as if letting the implications sink in even though she hadn't delivered the news yet. I realized she was just having trouble saying it. Finally, it came rushing out.

"Six months is a long time Gary! I'm sorry, I knew it could happen and finally the other shoe has dropped. I-I don't get a chance to debate anything Gary, they just tell me. Honest. I am either in or out. I am still in the que awaiting orders to go up."

I think she could feel my body tense, she held onto me more tightly, yet I could tell she was ready to hop up if I needed to walk or needed ... space. She knew me very well indeed. I tried to cover my foreboding. All my misgivings were just significantly magnified. I tried to cover my tracks.

"First Peg, I want to sincerely thank you for coming to me with this as soon as you did know."

"I did Gary, I did! I debated calling you as soon as I heard, but this seemed like news I should tell my best friend and husband in person. Please tell me I didn't mess it up."

I shook my head and smiled to let her know she did well by me on that matter. I tried to keep my voice neutral. I am inquisitive by nature so of course I had questions.

"You are a mission specialist, Peg. Your project was expanded to run more of your experiments when the mission length was increased. Currently it's set to run not quite three months. I was prepared for a long haul at three months. Now it's twice that. I hope you know I haven't been lying about all the things I have said and done lately: I am proud of your career and am happy you have earned this opportunity."

"Yes Gary ... but?"

"Isn't that enough? I don't think you are happy about being without me that long either."

"No, I'm not! And it isn't like I can come home for weekends."

I can't tell you how relieved I was that my wife saw this as a sacrifice we needed to make instead of a longer trip to the amusement park for her.

"Exactly Peggy. I love you -- a lot. I just hate missing you." I hugged her tighter.

"I know you do. But baby, is there something more?"

"No babe that's enough right there. I know some jobs take spouses away from each other for long periods except this doesn't fit the same mold of most of them. That's part of why you have to take this opportunity: it is unique! I get it, you know I get it. Dealing with it however is still not going to be fun. I mean look at what you primed me for. There is a shock factor that a one-week trip that may become two weeks, has instead become half a year."

"I can write. We can Skype."

"Sure," It did not carry the enthusiasm I hoped. Peggy knew underselling the issue was a no-go with me. She held my forearms a little tighter. She did not like disappointing me. She understood all the various moving pieces, such as she just told her virile, young, red blooded, globe-trotting, and devoted husband that there was no place on that globe where he could go to get laid for over half a year.

Peggy went full on sympathetic, "Yeah, I know. Not even phone sex, Gary. There's not much privacy on the station, the other team members will try to give us a little privacy because they want it for themselves when they talk to their spouses, but there's no way to be intimate. They won't be able to see my screen, maybe you could, you know, shoot off for me." She wore a definite wince as she said the last.

I guess she was trying, however that sounded like far less than anything I wanted. It actually made it worse, which Peggy picked up on immediately. I really actively did not want to put on little sex shows for her while she was trapped in a giant soda can, probably with at least one man.

I also derived much of my pleasure from the arousal of my partner. Not having a partner was tough on me, and I was as over sexed as my young wife; if we were perfect together, being apart was hell. If we fooled around on skype it seemed the guys on the station would get more out of her excitement than I could, even if it was just flushed facial expressions and more energy for her science project.

In fact, this actually magnified one of my chief fears. I was a contingency planner, remember? I am supposed to think of things that could go wrong.

"Is there a space station phone sex protocol?" I was curious, but not to facilitate her proposed ground-based entertainment.

Peg turned her head to look at me over her shoulder having heard something in my voice. She laughed, "No, no, nothing like that, if there was, we would've discussed it long ago. It's just as much privacy as they can muster as a courtesy for people living on top of each together. Which regrettably isn't much at all."

Peggy saw my eye twitch a little at her choice of words.

"Gary, there is something. Please tell me."

I sighed, "I have developed some worries that must be common to spouses that have long distance relationships. And I don't want to give them voice because I am embarrassed that I even have them."

Peggy's look of concern belied the playful voice she tried to adopt.

"Weeell, let's make it sort of a game. I will ask for hints. Are these concerns centered on us or the space craft?" Bless her, she was trying to steer this into as much light as she could.

"Yes."

"Okay." Peggy seemed pleased. She may have surmised I found some compromising engineering defect in the space station itself and was relieved that was not the case. My wife didn't know whom I worked for, although she had a good idea the sort of analyses I did to facilitate my planning.

"Are your concerns centered more on either you or me instead of both of us?" She thought she knew the answer. She was right.

"Yes, they are," I admitted in defeat.

"Me?"

"Yeah."

"That's not unusual after Challenger..."

"No. Well yeah, I mean of course, but that's not what I'm focused on. Though it does have to do with harm coming to you."

"Baby you can talk to our experts ..."

"They always sound like they are so bored with me and the problems I come up with. By damn, there isn't one of my concerns I wouldn't want answered before putting folks in these conditions. Especially as I frequently send people into precarious situations."

"Hmmm, so you think they are treating you like an over worried spouse."

"Yes. You know me, I am worried, but I'm not an idiot. I'm probably smarter than most of the "experts" they roll my way."

"That's a fact," she chuckled. "So, what concerns do you have?"

"I don't want to do that, Peg. If you haven't thought of them, I don't want to introduce the seed of doubt. Sometimes that seed never does a thing, but sometimes it insinuates itself in our mind until it's way beyond distracting and near obsessive."

She sat up, "Wow, that's heavy."

"See, it just happened. Besides my concerns maybe way off base or just dead wrong."

She lay back against me, "Yet you must really think there is merit to your concerns, or you would not have thought it through to that degree."

I was quiet not being sure exactly what to say, except for of course, touché.

"Why don't you talk to Dr. Anderson," Peggy offered.

"Kathy?"

"Yeah, she's been up there, more than once actually. She's virtually my age and there is an informal network among the astronauts; setting up spouses with one of our brethren to talk out concerns when the experts and support staff don't measure up. I will reach out to her.

"I want you to talk to her, Gary. I promise what you tell her will be in confidence between the two of you; she won't come running back to me with everything. You know each other pretty well already, which should put both of your BS meters at ease. Kathy is very practical and quite wise with common sense savvy, something we sometimes currently lack in the space agency. I know she appreciates your calm head and critical thinking skills from past conversations. If you bring up a concern she feels really does need an answer before I go up, she will take action to get it. Let me call her right now."

I listened as Peggy did exactly that. When she handed the phone to me, I felt bit sheepish, explaining, "I feel like my sister just had to get me a date for prom and then tossed me the phone to speak to her."

Kathy laughed heartily, my wife too. The ice was broken. With a smile in her voice Kathy put my mind at ease telling me she was glad I had questions, making an appointment for us to meet two days hence. She also made it clear this was not a one-time appointment: I was welcome to contact her with follow ups or new concerns.

"Feel better?" My loving wife asked after the call.

"Yeah, I do. Thank you."

"I love you!" Peggy snuggled further into the protection of my embrace knowing the main issue, six months apart, had no solution.

I had spoken to Kathy a fair amount in the past. She was only a few years older than my wife, and just a few months older than me actually, but seemed to have packed a lot of extra experience into those years. For someone so accomplished she was very "down to earth", talk about astronaut irony! Talking to Kathy was actually fun. She's very smart, has her PhD, yet is personable, conversant, and although she eschews make up, has striking classical features that you can't help but notice. They are better the closer you get.

"I'm sure you have a million questions, Gary, so shoot."

"That's fantastic! We are way ahead of the curve."

Kathy looked at me quizzically.

I explained, "I only have the few questions, nowhere near a full million."

This elicited a small laugh, which further melted any small amount of ice there may have been. "Kath, I will not say I am totally at ease with the journey, but I am proud to be married to a woman who is intrepid enough to take the risk. I'm quite envious, of both of you actually."

Kathy smiled a genuine deep smile, "Yes, you are the perfect astronaut's spouse because attitudinally you could have been an astronaut yourself."

"Even better than an astronaut married to an astronaut because there's no competition?"

She smiled deeply nodding, "I have always appreciated your critical thinking approach."

"That's why I'm here. I think I'm off the rational path a bit and can't bring my normal way of dealing with things to bear on my ... apprehensions."

"A well-chosen word?" She asked tilting her head.

"Very."

"Hmm. So, what are your apprehensions?" Kathy took on a more serious expression.

"First, cosmic rays."

Kathy's eyebrows raised a bit apparently not expecting a science-based question. Of course, I had just said I was off the rational.

"Actually Gary, we have done a lot of work on that. The ship is shielded in several different ways."

"Ways you are completely comfortable with?"

"Comfortable enough. I went, didn't I?" She sat forward closer to me trying to convey an air of comfortable contentment.

"Yes, you did, but was that ambition coupled with knowing if you backed out there would be no second chance to go up?"

Kathy actually beamed at my assertion, "Valid question! Thank you for being direct; it's refreshing. I also know that you think highly of both Peggy and me, so I understand your motivation in asking. No, it was not blind ambition. I would not risk my life - in that way -- for a feather in my career cap. You can't beat lift off and reentry for pure adrenaline. However, the adventure part is not as adventurous as it once was."

She smiled warmly inviting me to become more comfortable, "Gary, there have been five hundred and sixty-five people in space, convenient for the math sixty-five have been women. From a relevant science standpoint, the second leading country for firing their women off the planet is Russia who has sent four women into space. The US is number one with fifty. Your wife has the benefit of lots of experience."

I could not help but laugh, "How dare you."

Thinking about her last sentence Kathy laughed heartily, "You fool you know what I meant." She had a wonderful smile!

"If I didn't, I don't think I'd be laughing!" Which set off another shared wave of laughter.

"The ship is shielded enough. I was comfortable with it. I would be again. What I'm saying is that it is not such a unique experience anymore that your wife would risk her life, or her life with you, to do something foolish. The thrill for the adrenaline junkie will always be there, I mean you are strapped atop a rocket."

Kathy looked at me with an eyebrow cocked to see if I was going to chase that line down as well. I decided to disappoint her this time.

"Okay Kathy, you will see where I'm worried with the next question, this may tend to be a bit personal."

"That's alright, shoot." She seemed to be challenging me in a duel of double entendres.

"You have not had children yet. Well ... do you plan to have any?"

She thought, "Are you asking the effect of cosmic rays on future childbearing? Or is there more?"

I nodded, not telling her which question I was answering. She was following my line of thinking very quickly.

"There is more Doc, but of a follow up nature. As you know I'm speaking to you because I don't want my wife to believe I do not fully support her going."

"But maybe you don't support her going ... fully?" Kathy's eyes widened with each syllable.

I nodded, "My fears have been growing in a few areas. I am also scared with a particular idea that if mentioned will plant a seed in her mind. I have seen it happen to her, she is susceptible to that, she intelligent and her mind works on a problem in the background. If she doesn't give it attention it grows in the shadows until it comes roaring out. Also, doctor Kathy, I am ashamed of the fear I have. My wife does not deserve it, yet it is sort of haunting me."

I tried to smile but faltered, a number of emotions quickly shooting across my face before I regained control. Kathy just let out a sympathetic sigh.

"I'm sorry Doc, I love her. I want to know if I can't face the big obvious fear and am supplanting this one in its stead. Though it seems preposterous because on some levels the surrogate would be worse."

"Whoa, it's okay," she took my hand. "You did the right thing seeing me. I can tell this really has its hooks in you. Please tell me."

"The big problem is one my wife has no control over: her death while on the mission. There is no way to rationalize that one. It happens or it doesn't. There are many more things that can go wrong on this mission than in a regular day on earth, yet a lot more attention to detail is given to the mission precisely because of that fact. Thus, there is a bit of an offset. And I'm not sure what more can be done by either her or me in that regard. I'm more practical than most, knowing that's the case and not seeing a deficit to detail, I think I can let that issue go. It's going to be in the background, but it seems to have the appropriate level of concern from all involved. I guess that prospect haunts me, but not unduly."

Kathy nodded, still holding my hand. There was a sobering side to the pursuit of science and space. She wanted to give me time to gather myself a bit and I think she knew roughly where I was going.

"Um, Gary, let me answer a question I think is on the table: will Peggy be able to have children after the extended stay in space? Yes, there have been tests done." She hesitated, "Just so you know, I think you will have a talk coming up," She grimaced a bit, then hurried on, "Remember you can call me just to vent too." She sat back a little evaluating me, I knew not why, but was sure it was for good reason.

"I know you would prefer to talk directly to your wife, but you just told me you don't want to worry her. Let's start to address your concerns with this: NASA has not allowed a pregnant woman in space. We have done tests on eggs of various types and stages, even human as far as studying each of the female astronauts for adverse effects. They do it for the men and their biological compliment too," she added.

"To this date there has not been a pregnant woman in space from any country or program. The tests say that eggs can be compromised. Except for rats these have all been in vitro unfertilized eggs. It appears that girls who are not sexually mature could have their eggs, at least some of them, compromised by cosmic rays with the degree of shielding we presently have. But in mature women, whether it's a tissue thing because the mature body offers more tissue for protection or maybe even body generated electromagnetic protection, which is more pronounced in those with active procreative systems, we don't know, but we have not seen damage to their eggs."

Kathy smiled, "So that should take scrambled eggs off your menu."

She looked at me still offering that bright smile, then went back to her serious explanation, "Children of any type might be at risk. Thus, there have been no children in space.

"The tests on pregnant rats were encouraging. In all cases the female rat delivered her babies. Was there an impact? Yes. The baby rats were smaller and weaker, and even slower mentally than the norm. But wait a second Gary, because this goes to the heart of your fear: we don't think cosmic rays were the cause, it appears to be Zero G. Their tissues were not quite as dense, their hearts not as strong, they had not exercised as much in the womb because gravity made no demands of either mother or unborn child ... rat ... whatever."

I interjected, "Pups."

She looked at me strangely.

"Rat young are called pups. Fathers are bucks. Momma rats are does. And best of all, a gaggle of rats is a mischief!"

Her eyes brightened "Somehow that's ... wonderful! How do you know that?"

"We have worked with rats a bit at work, besides once you know that how could you ever forget it?"

Kathy's smile widened and brightened. Her eyes sparkled a little bit too. We had verbally spared in the past at cocktail parties and various get togethers that Peggy brought me to. We had enjoyed each other's company, now Kathy seemed to be taking a higher appreciation of my gift of gab.

"Well, my little pantomath, in every case the babies from the ... mischief, oh that's just fun, once back on earth eventually had a growth spurt and caught back up. It didn't take long, and it was in both mental acuity and physical strength. There should not be any problem as long as Peg is not pregnant while she's up there."

I leaned back, "Whew that was a big one." I wanted some time to regroup. Kathy saw right through me, knowing only part of my fear had been assuaged. She had figured out the direction the rest was in, she looked deeply concerned and sad.

"Say Doc, I presume that a pantomath is not the same as a polymath."

"I wouldn't sell you short like that, Gary." Kathy's lips took a reassuring twist. "I'm thrilled I had a word you weren't familiar with." Now she was out and out teasing me, deftly pulling me back from the dark place I had headed towards.