Spring Semester

Scarlett put on a brave face but it wasn't convincing. She never knew it was possible to cry so much, every day. Her eyes stung and her throat was hoarse, her chest ached and her face was puffy with a grey pallor. She threw herself in to revising and studying for her exams and she did every bit of extra reading for her lectures for the start of the semester.

"Good luck for your exam today, not that you need it. You'll smash it, babe!xx" read Shane's text on the morning of her first exam. She was thrown by it, firstly that he remembered and secondly that it caused her so much anxiety. She didn't reply. She mustered all the energy she had that first week back at uni, she got through her exams and built a good but intense routine of lectures, studying, reading and searching online for jobs.

"I hope your exams went well. Keep up the good work, babe. Not long to go.xx" read Shane's text at the end of the week. She ignored it again.

Her flatmates were concerned, she wasn't like herself, she hardly ate, she didn't want to socialise, she stayed in her room when she wasn't at lectures and at night she would go out and walk in a loop round the campus for an hour or more no matter the weather. One morning in the second week Dom came into the kitchen and found her staring at a bowl of porridge.

"We've hardly seen you all week, how did your exams go?" Dom asked.

"Yes, Ok thanks. I don't think I could've done any more. What about yours?" she asked.

"I only had one, it was alright but I've got this practical now in March so I'm working on that." he said, standing with his back to the counter waiting for the boiling kettle. "Are you going to eat that or just stare at it for a bit longer?" he laughed quietly.

Scarlett pushed the bowl away from her. "I'm not really hungry" she said quietly.

"Can I join you?" Dom asked, pouring them both a cup of tea. "We've hardly seen you since you got back."

Scarlett smiled "Did you get the short straw? You got nominated to come and talk to me?" she asked timidly.

"No, the other 3 have all got labs today so they were away early doors and they'll not be back til late. I thought I'd steal a moment to check you're OK." he said, pulling a seat from the far side of the table and sitting down beside her. "Cos you're not OK, are you? You've been back a week and a half and I haven't heard you laugh once, I've hardly seen you at all, we've not had a hug or played any games and there's a gigantic bottle of vodka on the windowsill that hasn't been opened!" he laughed.

Scarlett smiled and her eyes welled up "I'm really embarrassed...eh... I'm sorry for getting upset" she said. "It's just me being stupid again. It's..." she sniffed "... it's Shane" she sobbed "He's really hurt me now"

"Aw no, come here" said Dom, wrapping Scarlett in his arms. She sobbed into his chest. "He hasn't hurt you physically, has he?" he asked, concerned. Scarlett shook her head. Dom held her until she composed herself and then got up and got her a glass of water and some tissues. "What's happened?" he asked.

Scarlett told him the majority of what had been said and done and Dom listened shaking his head and holding her hand now and then. "I'm sorry for crying on you, Dom. Thank you for listening" she said quietly.

"Hey, anytime. You know where I live!" he joked, nodding down the hall towards his room. "Shall we do a big shopping trip today, get some supplies for the weekend? And I'll make you something nice for tea tonight. It's just the 2 of us. What would you like?" Dom asked.

"I don't know, I haven't really got much of an appetite. I just feel sick all the time." she said.

"Well, when you're sick you need soup. It's warm, it's comforting, it's like a hug. I'll make some soup, like a hug from me in a bowl! What do you say?" he asked. Scarlett nodded. "I'm sure the others will appreciate it when they get back late tonight, tired and stinking of fish!" he said.

Scarlett giggled quietly "Those stinking marine biologists" she said.

Dom chuckled then gasped "What's that I hear? Scarlett's laugher! Music to my ears" he said "Speaking of music, I've got a new playlist I've been waiting for you to hear, come 'ead" he said, getting up, lifting their cups and walking towards his room.

Over the next few weeks, Scarlett's flatmates eased her back into life. The girls took her shopping, for coffee, they dyed each other's hair. The boys did the cooking, set up board game nights and film nights. They all went to the beach and to the forest for walks, got fish and chips and ice cream, went on nights out and had fun. Scarlett concentrated hard on her studies and then relaxed with her flatmates in down time.

She told her friend Emma in her class about Shane and her feelings. Emma was so kind and caring and they'd built up a great friendship over the course of their time at uni. Scarlett knew she could trust Emma and they had such fun together. Emma listened to Scarlett and offered her advice and consoled her. Between her flatmates and Emma, Scarlett had a great support network and slowly began to feel a bit better. She started to eat better, sleep more and go for longer periods of time without thinking of Shane or crying. Even when he texted her "Hope you're OK. xx" mid-February. She felt empowered ignoring him again.

Shane's birthday at the end of February was much easier to ignore than Scarlett thought and Scarlett felt proud of herself and her progress until it got to the start of March and she realised it had been over 6 weeks since she last got her period and her heart fell into her stomach. The last thing she needed right now was to be pregnant, she panicked and confided in Emma.

She took a pregnancy test, and a second one, and a third, and a fourth until she'd taken ten over 4 days. They were all negative but she still hadn't got her period. She attended the student health centre and saw the practitioner who advised it was stress related due to her relationship break down and her exams and that she could stop her pill to see if it helped.

Scarlett felt relieved but then she felt angry. Angry that Shane seemed to be still carrying on like nothing had happened, texting her randomly like she'd always hoped he would when she was away except now he maybe realised his mistake and was trying to make up for it. By mid-March the anger was turning to sentences which turned to paragraphs and then one-sided conversations in her head. Eventually late one Friday night after everyone had gone to bed, Scarlett sat at her desk and started writing Shane a text message but there were too many characters. She deleted it and went to have a shower but then came back to her computer and started writing him an email. She wrote pages and pages and then she stopped and thought - he might just delete it without reading it, he might read it and then delete it, he might not reply... she wouldn't know and that would make her more angry. She deleted the email. She found his number in her phone contacts and looked at it for 20 minutes, psyching herself up and then she called him. He answered on the first ring, like he'd be waiting on it.

"Hi Scarlett" he said in a sombre voice.

"Hi" she replied, her voice breathy and weak on hearing his voice for the first time in weeks.

"Is everything OK? It's late" he said.

"Are you busy right now?" she asked

"No, I'm just sitting reading. Are you OK?" he asked.

"No, Shane, I'm not. I've been thinking and thinking if I should speak to you or not and I don't know if it's the right thing to do or not but I have to do something" she said, her breath catching in her throat as she spoke.

"I'm glad you phoned, I wasn't sure you wanted to talk to me since you didn't reply to my texts that's why I didn't.." he started.

"Shut up and listen to me" she interrupted quickly.

"Eh...ok" Shane said timidly.

"In case you didn't notice, Shane, you really hurt me. You REALLY hurt me Shane. Everytime I wanted to talk about what was happening with us you just wanted to stick your head in the sand. All you kept saying was you cared about me and you didn't want to hurt me but THAT!... THAT'S WHAT WAS HURTING ME!" she raised her voice. "You saying you didn't want to hurt me was pointless because it had already happened, it was happening while you were saying that and I kept letting it happen." her voice began to wobble.

"Why could you not just say if you didn't want to be with me? What other choice is there other than yes or no except the miserable no man's land I feel like I've been existing in. It's not fair, Shane. It's not fair to keep me hanging around like this knowing how upset it's made me." she started crying "You can never just give me a straight answer about anything!"

"I hate hearing you upset" Shane cleared his throat "I just wish we were together right now babe, and I could hold your hand and give you a hug and we could talk about it in person instead of over the phone like this. It's terrible hearing you crying over the phone. This is so not how I want this conversation to happen" he said, desperation in his voice.

"Well then you shouldn't have dismissed it all those times I tried to talk about it. Why was it so hard? We were so good and we had such fun and I don't know what happened suddenly or when. What changed?" she sobbed.

"I honestly don't know, Scarl. One day it was fine and the next it was different but it was still fine, we were still us. Please stop crying, babe. I'm so upset knowing you're there and I can't hold you and make it better" he said, his voice breaking.

"I can't stop crying, I've cried for the last couple of months. My voice is permanently hoarse from crying. I've been so upset about this it has made me ill, Shane. I haven't been able to eat, I haven't been sleeping, I haven't had my period, I freaked out that I was pregnant, I had to go to the doctor." she sobbed hard.

"PREGNANT? Scarlett, what? Why didn't you phone me?" asked Shane, shocked.

"Don't panic, I'm not pregnant. I took 10 tests and they were all negative but it made me angry. What would you actually have done if I'd phoned you and told you I was pregnant?" she asked

"Well, I would've supported you." he said, frantically.

"Shane, you can't decide if you want me to be your girlfriend or not any more! You're not in high school! Meanwhile I'd be graduating uni 6 months pregnant destined for a life of single motherhood because you weren't sure if you wanted to be a dad or not! I don't want to have a baby. There's no fucking way I'd let that happen cos the only thing worse than being pregnant by you right now would be having to have your baby!" she shouted. "You're already a big enough baby!"

"That's harsh Scarlett!" Shane said.

"It's not harsh, Shane. IT'S THE TRUTH." she shouted. "I haven't been sitting over here having a jolly time. If I didn't have my flatmates, I'd have thrown myself in the river already" she hissed.

"I know you're upset Scarlett but please stop talking like this" he said softly. "Can I come and see you next weekend?" he asked.

"Oh suddenly you can just get a flight to come and visit, can you? Now it's convenient?" she asked "No, please don't. I don't want you here, I don't want to see you and I don't want you infecting my life here any more than you already have" she hissed.

"That's cruel now, there's no need to be like that. I was just offering to see if we could fix things a bit and I want to talk to you in person instead of over the phone" he said.

"So you want to see me and you want to fix things. Why could this have not happened months ago? When you made me feel like some foolish wee girl running after you!" she asked.

"I dunno, I wanted to step back a bit, it was intense. I was trying to be aloof." he said.

"Well I wish you'd told me because you get full marks for that. You are definitely aloof and I'd add abstruce and neither are constructive to maintaining a relationship!" she said. "I'm not psychic Shane, you have to tell me how you're feeling, what's annoying you, what's scaring you, what you are thinking about something instead of just carrying on like everything is alright. The more you've not told me, the harder I've tried to fix something that I didn't know and that's pushed you further. I've tried to talk to you about it so many times and each time you just fobbed me off and made me feel like it was me when you should've just told me and we would've saved dragging this all out!" she sighed, frustrated.

"So...?" he asked

"So what? You're wondering where we stand? ISN'T THAT NOVEL?!" she raised her voice again. "Don't text me, don't phone me, don't try to contact me, don't turn up on my doorstep. I don't want to hear from you any more!" she shouted.

"Give me a chance to defend myself at least!" he shouted.

"A CHANCE? You've had plenty and you didn't take them. I'm making the decision for you. Them's the breaks. Goodbye Shane!" she said sternly, hanging up the call. She was trembling and crying and gasping for breath. She felt exhausted and she wondered if she had done the right thing but only time would tell.