Standing at The Cliff

But hey, we aren't politicians, are we? If it were easy, anybody could do it. But, I digress.

We were feeling pretty good about how things went. While I should have been happier, I was still pretty down about missing the party. The real party. I know dad meant well, but Robbie's parties always turn out epic. He could make a bar mitzvah fun. Hanging out with a bunch of old guys in a suite didn't seem comparable. On top of that, if the Pats lost, I would be in deep shit.

Not that there was any risk at all of them losing. The game would probably be over in the first half. But, you can never be too cautious...

Dad finally suggested that I get a flight to the neighboring city, rent a car, and simply drive the rest of the way home. I may not make it by kick off, but I could at least catch the second half with my friend.

You see? That's why I love him.

I was able to change my flight (after giving the airline a small fortune, of course) and reserve a compact vehicle for the drive. My dad and the other guys still wanted to stay and watch the game in the suite. They were veteran husbands. You know guys like them. They have been married for over a decade. They cherish the time away from "the ole' ball and chain", and squeezed out every ounce of freedom they could get.

So, I was able to go home early. Isn't that always the setting for some life altering discovery to be made? Fucking clichés. I hate them. In the end, it's always the little choices that add up. Maybe it's fate, or just happenstance, but often we find that a small variance from a set path could have enormous consequences.

I practically created a sonic boom with the Nissan Versa that I rented as I raced down the highway. I didn't realize those cars could drive so fast. I was listening to the game on the radio, and was not happy. NOT HAPPY. The score was 14 -- 0, and the Falcons had just intercepted the ball.

I had to get there. I knew that Robbie and the rest of my buddies were cursing the ground that I walked on. It was almost halftime when I got home, and I found that Tabby wasn't there. I was hoping to surprise her, but then I remembered that she and my mom were supposed to hang out this weekend.

I called her on her cell. She picked up on the second ring and greeted me like she always did. We had a pretty normal conversation. I decided to not let her know that I was home. I figured that if I kept my mouth shut, I wouldn't be expected to be in the house before curfew. I could make it to Robbie's before the second half started and then hang out with my buddies as late as I wanted. Hell, I could even stay the night at Robbie's, which was a green light for getting as drunk as I wanted (with the score being what it was, that seemed like it might be necessary). By the time she realized the change of plans (if she ever found out), I could simply play stupid and apologize for "forgetting" to let her know.

Everyone reading this story can save the judgement. I'm sure hundreds of other men have done this, and worse.

I was getting ready to wrap the conversation up. I was thinking of a good exit strategy so that I could go to Robbie's. I asked, "You're with mom, right?" I assumed she was, so I wasn't really looking for an answer. It was just a good segue to tell her "have fun and I'll see you later".

"Uh...yeah. I'm with mom." She said in a strange voice after a hesitation.

it immediately piqued my interest for some reason. The hesitation seemed odd, and the tone of her voice signaled a lie. Paying a little more attention, I asked, "Are you guys at our house, or my parents'?" I looked around the empty house to see if she would take the bait.

"At their house. Why?" she asked, a little defensive. I almost breathed a sigh of relief that she didn't say our house, but then I noted the combative tone. At first I was curious, but now I was alarmed. Something was definitely off about her. It was one of those things that was hard to describe, but if you know somebody you can sense it.

"No reason. Just missing you, that's all." I said, trying to lower the tension. I didn't want to get into an argument. I knew how this conversation would go, and it would inevitably lead to me being frustrated but getting nowhere. "You guys got anything planned?" I asked, trying to sound casual.

"Oh yeah. You know us. We're some party animals." She joked sarcastically. Then she said, "Hey hun, I have to go."

Was it me, or was she rushing me off the phone?

"Well okay sweetie. Make sure you use protection if you pick up any strange guys. I love you and I'll talk to you soon." I quipped before we ended the conversation. We often joked around like that, so I didn't think anything of it. That was until there was an extended pause before she answered again.

"Love you too Dre. Bye."

I was already getting the keys and heading out the door. Why she was acting so peculiar? I had to find out. My parents' house wasn't very far from Robbie's, so it wasn't going to put me out too much to stop by on my way over. I didn't want to give up my freedom, but something was irking me. It was a risk that I had to take.

I got to my folk's house and since I had a key, I quietly let myself in. I expected to find mom and Tabby in the living room, but it was empty. I quietly headed upstairs to see if they were in the bedroom watching TV or something.

I didn't find them there either, but I found something else.

The master bedroom was pretty large, so mom didn't notice me lightly push the door open a crack. She was standing in front of the mirror, holding a dress in front of her. It was a cocktail dress. Very sexy. I tried to inconspicuously look around for my wife, but I didn't see her.

A part of me wanted to make my presence known, but something was odd. My gut told me to be quiet for a moment and wait, so I did. I just watched her.

She was humming as she looked at herself. In the background, I could hear bath water running. On her vanity, her various make-up items looked like they were being prepared to be applied. For a woman whose husband was out of town, this seemed off.

My world came crashing down around me when her phone rang. She looked at the screen, smiled, and picked it up.

"What is it Charles?" she said with mock annoyance. Her voice was flirty and playful. I gasped as a sick feeling hit my belly like a Bernard Hopkins jab.

Charles was my biological father's name. He was the one that my mother never spoke of. She refused to answer any questions about him. I always assumed that he was long gone. Was this that Charles? If so, why was she speaking to him, and in that tone of voice? And if it was a different Charles, the same questions still applied.

It got worse.

"You have been impatient for the 30 years I've known you and it's not getting any better." She said in that tone again, answering my question and confirming my fears. "I'm getting ready now."

She listened for a moment, and then she giggled. "God! You are so bad! No, I'm not going to do that. Okay? I'm not some street hooker, you know."

More listening. Then, a giggle.

"Yes, well, I'm not that easy; at least, not always. I'll admit that your...charms...do have a certain effect on me. But I'm a married woman. I can't go prancing around town with no panties on. You have a hard enough time keeping your hands to yourself as it is."

She listened for a moment more, and then her face grew dark. "Stop that! Stop that right now. I'm married to him, okay? You had your chance with me, and you blew it. YOU walked out on ME. I loved you with everything that I had to give, and you just left. I still love you; I'll admit that. But I'm a lot smarter now than I was back then. I may not love Henry the same way, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to leave him to be with you. Love isn't everything. I learned that the hard way. YOU taught me that. So, don't think that just because I give in to you every once and a while that you're getting a second chance. We have sex. That's it. If you can't deal with that, then feel free to go away. This time, you can stay gone."

That was when my heart died. My mother, the woman I thought that all women should emulate, was a liar. She was a liar and a cheater. She was the kind of woman that she told me to stay away from.

How could she do this to dad? How could she do this to me? After all the years of lecturing me on how to treat a woman, and telling me to look to my dad as an example of "a real man". Is this how women treat "real men"?

I should have confronted her. I should have burst into the room, screaming and yelling at her. But I didn't. I couldn't. No matter what she did, she was still my mom.

So, I left. I simply cowered away, got in my car, and drove off. I drove aimlessly for a while, until I stopped here at this cliff.

What was I to do? I wanted to stay safely on solid ground, figuratively speaking. I wanted to go back to my naïve existence, but that was gone. They say that there are moments that make you grow up. A parent dying, a major illness of someone really close to you, or a breakup of a close relationship are usually at the top of the list. I was lucky in that regard. I had been spared those tragedies (at least for the moment). But this was just as bad. This was my moment; my crisis. I felt ten years older than I had been when I rented a car to come home just a few hours ago.

I couldn't bring myself to do what I knew I had to do. I had to jump. I had to plummet to the death that awaited me. The death that I was speaking of wasn't physical. The death that awaited me was the death of the ideals that I was taught; the death of a young boy who thought that his parents were perfect. I didn't know what would be below, how I would land, or what damage would result. All I knew was that something had to die. I had to jump and accept what was right in front of my face.

I had to tell dad. He had to know. It would hurt him, and probably make mom furious with me. Ironically enough, she raised me not to be a liar. I wasn't going to start now just because she was one. I would tell the truth.

With that decision made, I got back in my car and drove home. It was getting pretty late, anyway. I'd completely forgotten that I was supposed to be out of town, or that I was missing Super Bowl LI (Something that I would later regret. Those who saw it know what I mean). When I walked in the door, Tabby was home. She did a double take before she came over to greet me.

"Honey? I thought you were coming back tomorrow." She said as she hugged me.

"Yeah, well, things didn't go as expected." I mumbled cryptically as I took my coat off. I trudged over to the couch to sit. Suddenly, I felt tired. Like the weight of the world was on my shoulders.

"Did everything go okay?" she asked with concern in her voice as she sat next to me. I didn't answer her with words. I just shook my head, and tears started to drip from my eyes.

"Andre, you're scaring me. What's wrong? Is your dad okay?" All I could do was shake my head. Then she shakily asked, "Is he...home?"

I was so exhausted that I almost missed it. It was something so minor that it could have been overlooked. But my senses were tuned. Even subconsciously, I was on the lookout for all the clues that I'd missed over the years.

I peered into Tabby's eyes. The hesitation in her voice when she asked if my dad were home was telling, but the look in her eyes was the final confirmation of my suspicions.

She knew.

"Where were you today?" I asked pointedly, drastically morphing my entire demeanor. The worn-down voice was replaced with a stern, inquisitive, possibly interrogative, tone. My eyes narrowed when I looked at her. The tears had stopped. I was still sad, but rapidly getting angry.

I was remembering the conversation that we had earlier. She said that she was with my mother, at her house. That was a lie.

"Huh?" She asked. Her expression could have been one of bewilderment, but what I saw was fear.

"Earlier tonight; when I called. I asked where you were. You told me you were with mom. Remember?"

"Uhhh...oh, yeah. Mmhmm. I was with her." She said quickly, her eyes shooting from side to side.

"How long were you with her? What did you guys do? When did you leave?" I asked, not even trying to hide the accusatory tone of the questions. She nervously looked at me as she fumbled for words.

"Andre...I was...we were...why are you acting like this?"

"Just answer the questions, Tabby. They should be easy."

"Andre..."

"JUST ANSWER THE GODDAMN QUESTIONS!" I yelled furiously as I jumped off the couch like it was on fire. My fists were clinched in balls so tight that my knuckles were red.

Her face became a mask of fear and terror. She looked at me with eyes so wide one would have thought she was wearing bifocals. At first, she sat there stunned, but then she suddenly jumped up from the couch and ran to our bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

I flopped back down on the couch, as if all the energy seeped back out of my body. I just sat there, letting the realization of things wash over me. Finding out about my mother was devastating. Knowing that Tabby was in on it was even worse.

About fifteen minutes later, she was back in the doorway of the living room. I didn't even hear her footsteps approach.

"You know, don't you?" she asked, voicing the stupidest question I'd ever heard.

"So do you." I responded curtly.

I wasn't looking at her, but from the corner of my eye I saw her nod sadly. Her expression was forlorn, with tear streaks running across her makeup.

"So, were you ever going to tell me, or were you going to continue to lie to me?" I asked with eerie calmness.

"Andre, it's not that simple."

"Really?" I turned to face her, looking her in the eyes. "It's not that simple? That's your answer for lying to me?"

"Honey, I just didn't want you to get hurt. She's your mother. You look up to her. I knew that it would kill you."

That justification pissed me off. "Bullshit Tabby! Bullshit! You didn't just lie to protect me. YOU WERE COVERING FOR HER!"

Tears started to stream down her face again as she silently cried. Normally her tears would have moved me, but now I just didn't give a fuck.

"It's not like that. I mean, I did lie to you, but I..." She struggled to explain. When nothing came to her, she sighed sadly and wiped her hair out of her face. "I hated lying to you, Dre." she finally said as she looked down.

I huffed and shook my head. "More bullshit Tabby. You had no problem lying to me. No problem whatsoever. You did it so convincingly it makes me wonder what else you've been lying about."

The crying stopped when I said that. She wiped the wetness from her cheeks and sniffled, but her eyes narrowed as they fell on me.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked with a tinge of anger in her voice.

I didn't answer at first. I saw the impasse that we were headed for. I could have put this discussion on hold until my feelings were more stable. Perhaps I should have. But you know what? She was the one who lied to me (who knows how many times). She was the one wrong here. I was tired of being a patsy for the women in my life. I was tired of being the guy who always put their feelings above my own.

That's dad's way. Look what it got him.

"You never answered my question. Where were you today?"

"What are you implying?" she asked, taking a challenging step forward. Her eyes were locked onto mine.

"I'm not implying anything. I'm asking you a question. One that you still haven't given me a straight answer to."

"I was with my mom, if you must know." She said with attitude.

"Mind if I call her to corroborate your story?"

She looked like I slapped her in the face. "So now you don't trust me?"

Is she really offended because I don't trust her after catching her in a blatant lie? Really?

"Why would I trust a liar?" I asked coldly. The anger in her was so built up after I said that that I wouldn't have been surprised if steam came out of her ears and made a high-pitched whistling sound.

"You know what? You know what?" she yelled. Her lips were pursed and tight as she spoke. I waited for the second half of her statement, but it never came. I wasn't sure if she was just too angry to finish it, or she just didn't have anything planned past "you know what". Instead, she just glowered at me.

I wasn't done yet. "Speaking of being a liar, have you ever cheated on me?"

She laughed sarcastically as she put her hands on her hips and shook her head. Then, her face twisted into an evil smile. "No Andre. I've never cheated on you. I'm not a skank. Only your mother does that." She said as she sneered at me.

There are no words to describe the surge of emotions that ran through me. Her words hit their mark with a sniper's accuracy. I was so angry that I couldn't formulate a clever comeback to shoot at her. I couldn't even dispute what she said, which made me even angrier.

She crossed her arms and smirked at me, daring me to respond. She knew she got me good. Her arrogant demeanor pissed me off even further.

"Fuck you Tabby! You're a fucking liar. Worse still, you lied to protect a woman who is cheating. If a liar protects another liar who is a cheater it's pretty logical to think the first liar is a cheater also."

Her face became a mixture of confusion and irritation as she screeched, "What?" in a high-pitched voice. She sounded like what I said was so completely ridiculous that there was no response for it.

"Let me simplify it for you. Birds of a feather cheat together. You had no problem protecting a cheater, which makes me believe that you saw no problem with it. Hell, you even made sure it could happen by providing an alibi. The only person who would do that is one who has no problem with cheating."

Tabby was about to lash out with a rebuttal, but she thought better of it. Instead, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"Andre, I know that today was a big shock for you. Okay? I get it. Right now, you're saying things that you don't mean. So why don't we just go to bed, and put this conversation on hold? I don't want us to say things that we can't take back." Her voice was consolatory in an attempt to calm me down. I saw it as patronizing.

"No Tabby. No. You don't get to do that!" I said as I jabbed my finger in the air, pointing at her. "You lied to me. Do you get that? Is that sinking in? YOU FUCKING LIED TO ME! Your fucking husband! You lied to me to protect her! You don't understand shit because I NEVER LIED TO YOU. So, don't sit there patronizing me like I'm some outta control kid who needs a time out."

"That's not what I was doing, Andre." She said as she stepped forward and tried to touch me. I backed away from her like her skin was made of acid and slid past her. I heard her calling my name as I ran out the door, slamming it shut behind me. By the time I saw it open and her silhouette in the doorframe, I was already backing out of the driveway. With a squeal of the tires, she became a speck in the rearview mirror.

+++

"Andre, I heard some disturbing news today."

I was laying on my bed, playing "Street Fighter II" on my Super Nintendo when my mom entered my room. She stood in the doorway with her hands on her hips and a disappointed look on her face.

"What did I do now?" I asked in an exasperated tone. I went through a mental check list that all high school kids do when their parents are being vague about what crime they committed.

Is it report card time? No. Not for another month.

Did I forget to clean the dishes? I didn't clean them, but we haven't eaten dinner yet.

Did I get detention again? No. I've kept my nose clean ever since I got in trouble for the "stink bomb in the girl's bathroom" incident.