Star-Crossed Lovers Ch. 08

*This chapter's longer than most. I didn't want to leave you guys hanging. ;) One chapter left after this!

Candace normally took a nap when she got home from the airport. Bawl her eyes out all the way back, and then some. Sleep. Be depressed for a few days. Repeat the next time. She couldn't even get the relief of sleep that day, though.

She didn't feel good about the way she had left him. The one time she had gotten mad at him throughout the entire time they had been together and it had to be as he was leaving. It wasn't even him in particular that she was mad at. Regardless, she didn't like unsettled matters. It made her even more uncomfortable that it was with him.

Candace tried to take her mind off of it by lying down on the couch and turning the TV on.

"What are we going to do?" she whispered out loud as she rubbed her stomach.

She wasn't surprised when Sam called her instead of texting when he got home.

"Hey," they both greeted soberly. Neither of them was sure what to say.

"Did you get any sleep after I left?" Sam offered. He knew her routine too. At least the nap part. He always thought it was partly from the pregnancy and partly from the amount of love-making they always did while he was there. He had no clue until that afternoon that crying as soon as he left had a large part in it too.

"No," she sighed.

"I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry? I'm the one who went off on you," Candace scoffed.

"I meant that you didn't get your nap in after I left. I am sorry I made you mad too."

She sighed loudly.

"Goddamn it, Sam, it's not your fault. I'm not mad at you." She could already feel tears stinging her eyes.

"I'm just frustrated. I thought I knew what I was getting myself into, but this is too hard," she finally broke down. There was a pause before Sam spoke. He was trying to swallow the lump in his throat too.

"Come on, now," he tried to soothe. "You know I hate when you're upset. Especially when I can't do a damn thing about it," he choked. Several minutes passed before either of them could compose themselves.

"That's the problem, isn't it?" Candace asked. "You can't be in two places at once," she whispered before the tears took over again.

"I wish you had told me sooner," Sam finally said, his voice cracking on the words.

"I didn't want to make you feel bad," Candace laughed at the irony of it. "So much for that, huh?" she sobbed quietly.

"Who knew that loving someone too much could be a problem?" she finally admitted aloud.

"I love you too. More than you know. I'll, um, call you tomorrow?" It was more of a question than a statement. He didn't know what else to say and their emotions were already running high.

"Ok," she replied simply and ended the call not feeling any more at ease than when it had started.

The next day posed another first for Candace since she had met Sam: She wasn't looking forward to his call. It wasn't that she was mad at him, she hadn't been lying about that, and she still loved him more than anything. But, she just didn't know what else to say. She needed time to sort her thoughts, get her head on straight.

For the life of her, Candace still couldn't figure out why this time had been so hard for her to let him go. She did know she couldn't go through that emotional turmoil every time. What would it be like once the baby came? As much as she hated to admit it, she knew in her heart it would only get harder.

Sam brought up Christmas when he called the next day. It was obvious what he was doing. It would likely be his last visit before the baby was born. He was trying to normalize things, cheer her up, take her mind off the previous day, at the very least.

"What if we go away together? Somewhere warm? It'll be like a last vacation before the baby comes."

"Sam," she tried to stop him, but he kept going.

"Or, or we could go to my parents. You know they've been dying to meet you. Plus it's spring down there right now. Nice and warm. We could kill two birds with one stone."

Normally his excitement would be endearing, but Candace was growing irritated.

"Sam!" she finally got his attention. He stopped talking.

"Slow down," she tried not to sigh audibly.

"Sorry. I just thought it might be nice to get away before the baby gets here. I can't believe it's only 2 months away already."

"I know. Me neither," she agreed. "But Sam, don't take this the wrong way, but I don't know if I want to go anywhere. At least for the holidays. I know things are different now, but I always spend Christmas with my family."

"Well, we can go after the holidays. We'll still have some time," he insisted.

"Sam..." she rubbed her eyes. She decided to just come clean with him. Otherwise, he would keep insisting.

"I know you're really excited about your idea, and it's very sweet, but I just need some time to think about it. Ok?"

She hated bursting his bubble. Candace was glad she couldn't see the disappointment on his face. It was bad enough she could still imagine it.

"Ok. Yeh. Of course. I didn't mean to be pushy."

"I know you didn't. You're just excited, is all. I'm the one being a party pooper."

There was a pause.

"Candace?"

"Yah?"

"Are you still upset about yesterday?"

She almost wished she had just agreed to his plan so he wouldn't have asked her that one question. She still didn't feel like talking about it with him. She had hoped to avoid it, but evidently her not immediately agreeing to go somewhere with him had tipped him off.

"Define upset," she tried to joke.

"Candace..."

"Alright, alright. Of course I'm still upset. I'm not bawling my eyes out anymore, but I told you. I always hate when you leave."

"Are you sure you're not mad at me?"

"Sam, I told you. I'm just frustrated. Not necessarily with you. Just...the situation."

"Not necessarily with me? What is that supposed to mean?" his voice took on a defensive edge.

"Damn it, Sam! I don't want to talk about it yet! I need some time to think!" Candace finally lost her patience.

"Well you said it was ok if I called you today!" he shot back.

"I lied, ok?! I didn't want you to worry even more or hurt your feelings! Then you spring the Christmas shit on me and now I'm even more stressed out!"

The line grew quiet. Neither of them spoke, waiting for the other to say something first.

"Call me when you're ready to talk," Sam's voice lowered. "I didn't mean to upset you more. But we can't keep going on like this. And I don't appreciate you lying to me. Just tell me what's on your mind. Isn't that what relationships are about? Being honest with each other?"

Candace covered her mouth to keep a sob from escaping her lips.

"I'll talk to you soon," Sam ended the call without waiting for her acknowledgment.

Candace milled over the situation for days. She was both grateful and hated the fact that work was slow, being winter and all. Other than a few last-minute families coming in on the weekends for Christmas photos, things were dead. It was the time of year she worked on her paintings. She couldn't seem to even find the motivation to do that.

She had been lonely before. It happens when you're single, whether you're an introvert or not. But Candace had never felt quite so utterly alone. She felt like the life growing inside of her was the only companion she had. She could have reached out to her mom or her friends, but Candace wasn't ready to talk about her problems with them either.

Her every thought was devoted to her current predicament. She loved Sam more than words. It was hard to imagine not seeing him ever again. But the more she thought about it, the more she knew in her heart that's what she needed to do.

It seemed they were at a stalemate. He had his life and work in LA. She had her family and work in Knoxville. Despite her feelings for him, she couldn't bring herself to move to Hollywood for him. And it would be unfair to ask him to move in with her. He had a well-established career before she ever came into the picture. The more she realized what she needed to do, the more she cried.

Candace had never wept so much in her life. Every time another "What could have been" scenario popped into her head, she broke down in uncontrollable sobs. She couldn't help herself. Not seeing Sam ever again had seemed difficult when they first got together. It seemed damn near impossible now. All that was left was figuring out how to go about it.

After even more deliberation, she settled on the chicken shit way out. But, she had good reasons for the way she did it. At least she thought so at the time.

Dear Sam,

I can't believe I'm writing this. I know it makes me the biggest coward ever, but I couldn't bring myself to even do it over the phone. I can't stand the thought of seeing your face and I know you would just try to talk me out of it. But I've made up my mind.

I can't handle the long-distance anymore. I'm selfish and want you all the time. It hurts more and more each time you leave. You know how I feel about raising a child in LA, though. And all of my family is here. That's why I'm not giving you an ultimatum. That wouldn't be fair. Your life is out there. We will be just fine out here with the help of family and friends.

I don't expect you to help pay for the baby or anything. Again, we'll be fine. Please don't worry about us. I can send you pictures of him, if you like. I just don't want you to feel obligated to be a part of his life and I don't want things to be confusing for him when he gets older. This is my choice, as much as it pains me to make.

For what it's worth, I loved you. Actually, that's not entirely true. I still love you. More than any man I've ever met. Despite the circumstances, you're the best thing that has ever happened to me. I hope someday you will forgive me.

Candace

She felt like the absolute asshole she probably was. Even worse, it was only a few weeks before Christmas. Not that any time would have been good, but it seemed like extra crappy timing.

Candace had a dream the night she put the letter in the mail. There was a little blonde-haired boy, her son. He looked to be about 4.

"When is daddy coming home? Why is daddy gone so long?"

Candace patiently explained to him, for what felt like the millionth time, that daddy lived and worked in another city and that he was busy a lot for work, off "playing pretend", making movies.

The dream flashed forward a few years.

"Why can't dad just live with us?"

She sighed, tired of the same conversation.

"You know why, baby."

Fast forward a few more years. Her son was turning into a handsome young man. He looked so much like Sam.

"Why do you even bother, mom? I know you love dad, but it's weird. No one else's dad 'comes for visits'. Not like dad's, anyway."

Candace made a promise to herself when she woke up. Every time any doubt crept into her mind about whether what she was doing was right or not, she would remember the dream.

***

Sam was nervous the moment he pulled Candace's letter from the mailbox. She still hadn't called him. It had been a week. They had never gone that long without at least texting each other. It was hard to resist the urge, but he hadn't wanted to piss her off even more. He didn't fully appreciate the seriousness of it all until several days had passed and she still hadn't called him.

Sam sat down on a barstool at the kitchen counter and carefully opened the letter. He had to keep re-reading it, disbelieving what the words were telling him. He finally finished the brief note and sat confused, staring into space.

Was she really breaking up with him? What had happened to her not being mad at him? It was the first time they had ever really gotten into a fight. How had it devolved into this so quickly? He'd just been making love to her a little over a week ago. How could things have changed so fast? It certainly didn't seem like something they couldn't work out. That's when the anger started seeping in.

How could she just write me a letter? How can she supposedly love me so much and then do this? It's like she's not even trying. Why is she just shutting me out?

Sam paced his living room, not sure what he was doing. The more he thought about it, the angrier he got. None of it made sense. A million rash ideas raced around his head. Fortunately, the small, logical portion of his brain that was still working talked him out of them.

Do NOT call her until you calm down, he warned himself.

Unfortunately, he did not take his own advice the next day when his emotions had switched from angry and confused to devastated overnight. He couldn't stand it anymore.

Of course, it went straight to her voicemail.

"Why are you doing this?" he sobbed, no longer able to control his feelings. He was past the point of caring anyway.

"I refuse to believe we can't work something out. If you would just talk to me. Please, Candace. Just talk to me," he finished the message, unable to continue coherently.

He would never admit it to anyone, but he cried off and on for most of the day. The next few days weren't much better when he didn't hear back from her. That didn't stop him from trying to call her multiple times anyway. He wasn't going to give up.

Candace refused to listen to his voicemails for a while. She had to check them, of course, in case her mom, a friend, or even clients called, but if one came up from him, she would immediately hit the "save" button. She would get around to going through them eventually. But for the time being, she just wasn't ready. Despite reminding herself daily that she was doing the right thing for her son, feelings for someone didn't just disappear overnight.

Sam kept calling her every day for two weeks to no avail. He wasn't sure whether to be hurt or angry when she didn't call him back. Still, he tried. He wouldn't believe that she wasn't listening to his messages, at the very least. Surely she wasn't that heartless, was she?

Guilt gnawed at her. Candace finally gave in and listened to all of his messages in one go. She owed him that much. She held her breath as she hit the play button, unsure of what to expect.

It was mostly the same thing over and over, worded slightly differently each time. He wanted to talk, work things out.

Candace was glad he at least didn't seem angry with her. It broke her heart to hear the consuming sadness in his voice, though. And it was all her fault. She had hurt the one person she cared more about than anyone else in the world. Still, she couldn't bring herself to call him.

For whatever reason, she did pick up when he called her the next day. Candace knew it was horrible, but she had to hear his voice in real-time, not a message. A part of her deep down, that she wouldn't even admit to herself, might have been inviting him to change her mind too.

"Hello? Candace?!" Sam's voice was surprised, not expecting her to actually answer.

"Hi," she answered timidly. She could already feel her resolve cracking just hearing him speak her name.

"I've been trying to call you. But I'm sure you already know that." Now that he could actually talk to her, he wasn't sure where to begin.

"I know. I'm sorry. I just wasn't ready."

"To talk to me? That's all I've wanted this whole time. Candace, I thought we had a little fight. Hell, I thought you said you weren't mad at me. I had no idea you'd been considering something like this," he paused. "You can imagine how confused I am, right?" he asked softly.

"Yes," she sniffed. She was already regretting answering his call.

"Then why are you doing this? Can't we at least talk about it? Try to figure something out before you make a decision?"

"What's there to talk about?" Candace became indignant through her tears. "You can't move here. I don't want to move there. But I can't keep doing these monthly visits. It's too hard. I don't want to have to give you back to the city, to the world, every month. I want you here all the time. I know that's probably selfish of me, but that's how I feel. I know you would still have to go away for work, but at least you would be here when you weren't. And I can't ask you to move here because that's not fair either, you know?" she was having a harder time controlling her wavering voice.

"Plus, what about the baby?" Candace continued, not letting him get a word in edgewise.

"He's going to wonder why his dad only comes to visit, why he doesn't live with him all the time. How confusing would that be for a child, Sam? Wondering why his mommy and daddy don't live together if they love each other? Hell, I'm wondering the same thing!" she finally lost it. Sam was silent on the other end.

"I'm not asking you to marry me," Candace finally regained control of herself. "I just want to actually be together. Is that wrong of me to want?"

Sam's head reeled. He didn't know what he was expecting when he finally had the chance to talk to her, but this wasn't it. He felt like he was being split in multiple directions. He loved Candace and wasn't about to let her go so easily. But, he didn't have a solution to their problem any more than she did. Sam refused to believe that breaking up was the only way. Bringing their son into the matter infuriated him, though. He almost felt like she was using him as leverage, another excuse.

He inhaled sharply before speaking through gritted teeth.

"No, it's not wrong of you to want. But if you think I'm never going to see my son, you're delusional. How can you think him not having a father around at all is better?"

"Whose to say I won't meet someone again? Down the line?"

"Candace, don't talk like that," Sam warned.

"I can't wait around for you forever!" she finally lost her patience and hung up.

Sam sat staring at his phone, dumbfounded. A few minutes later a text popped up.

"Don't call me anymore."

He tossed the phone to the other end of the couch and buried his face in his hands.

Sam woke in a panicked, cold sweat that night. His mind was messing with him in his unstable state. In his nightmare, he was on the outside looking in. A strange man walked into Candace's house. A blonde-haired boy that looked just like him ran to the man.

"Daddy!" he squealed with delight, throwing his arms around his waist.

"Hey, Champ," the man tousled the boy's shaggy hair.

Candace came in from the kitchen and kissed the man on the lips.

"How was work? Dinner's about ready."

"No!" Sam screamed. But it was no use. No one could see or hear him. He woke himself up, still screaming "no" over and over.

Candace didn't sleep much better. She, too, had a nightmare involving her son. He was still little, though, maybe 5 months old. She was sitting in a courtroom, holding him on her lap. Sam sat on the other side of the room. The judge made his decision and her world changed in an instant. It was ordered that Sam gain full custody of their son, effective immediately. Candace would be allowed visits one weekend per month and to keep him for 2 months in the summer.

She clutched her son tight as the caseworkers stood and started walking toward her.

"No!" she screamed over and over as they tried to take her baby away from her. She caught a glimpse of Sam as she felt the sting of a needle.

"I warned you," he mouthed, the last thing she saw before everything went dark.

Candace woke up with tears streaming down her cheeks. She rubbed her bulging stomach reassuringly. Logically, she knew the scenario in her dream could never happen. Not because Sam, in theory, couldn't try to get at least partial custody of their son, but because she would be a good mother. She was perfectly capable of taking care of a baby. The courts would never take a baby away from its mother for no good reason. Still, Candace couldn't shake the uneasy feeling the nightmare had given her. Falling back asleep was no easy task.