Note: You can change font size, font face, and turn on dark mode by clicking the "A" icon tab in the Story Info Box.
You can temporarily switch back to a Classic Literotica® experience during our ongoing public Beta testing. Please consider leaving feedback on issues you experience or suggest improvements.
Click here"Oh come on, don't you think I deserve a hug?" I said, opening my arms. He didn't hesitate to return it, wrapping his arms around me shoulders in an innocent hug. We broke apart and I felt the warmth of his body leave my skin. "It better not be complete goodbye though. You promised to keep in touch." I said, cracking a half smile.
"One that I intend to keep." He said.
- COMMENTS
TimothyMover 10 years agoat least they both came to the same conclusion, but it's still sucks. Good thing you added that in your comment, as I wasn't quite sure either.
Like most of the other readers this is the chapter I liked the least. Partly because it's upsetting even if the outcome is logical but also because it's such a short chapter. But I can see why you felt that writing more would be just dragging out the pain.
The one bright spot was Ben, nice to see a stepdad who is a good guy and who tries to help.
But I'm glad I can go on to the final chapter without waiting.
curiousfemmealmost 12 years agoYou got me all weepy! I'm really enjoying this story and crossing my fingers for HEA.
musicfreakalmost 12 years agoAuthorYou know you guys are just awesome. If I was the emotional/sensitive type I would cry right now. Lol.
@ gobletholly182: your comment just put a smile on my face. It's always nice to see such comments. Your in depth analysis of the story just make me happy. Lol. And your constructive advice is noted. :)
Anonymousalmost 12 years agoThis is a awesome and touching story but to those that have cruel things to say if you dont like the damn story thats your problem stop being so insensitive and go read something else or write your own damn story since you think you can do better than musicfreak.but I love your work keep writing
GobletHolly182almost 12 years agoanon, your enumeration of events was boring. musicfreak, yours was not. you're telling a story, and telling it well. you're exploring your characters' dramas in order to share with us readers your insights regarding the nature of love. stylistic elements -- diction, syntax, tone, imagery, structure/organization, POV, etc. -- should work together to support the theme and purpose of a piece of writing as a whole. i'm soo sick of haters who equate good prose with complexity, with grandiosely elaborate rhetoric, just by definition, regardless of purpose or context or audience (#firstworldproblems). in this chapter, justin's occasional recitation of events (i count 3 short - 1 paragraph - passages like this, interspersed with much longer sections of dialogue and internal reflection) underlines his emotional state of mind; he is clinging to routine after love reintroduced chaos into the life he'd finally put into order after his father's death. i would say your style is simple in a good way: it flows easily, without distraction, so that i am easily submersed in your world, to the point of forgetting i'm reading. put crudely, your words get the fuck out of the way and let the story shine through.
not saying there's no such thing as bad writing. even accounting for fads and personal preferences, there is absolutely such a thing as painfully bad writing. but i find this quite readable, and am really enjoying the story. this chapter made me feel depressed and anxious and sad for the boys. triggering emotions in your readers is not easy, so good job:) (and to keep beating a dead horse, relaying occurrences clearly and directly, erring on the side of understatement, is an effective technique for provoking honest emotional responses. spare writing can be powerful.) part of me does want to yell at both of them for turning their backs on what would obviously be a wonderful, supportive, loving and passionate relationship. but at the same time, i do respect them for sacrificing their own desires to do what's best for the other - very gift of the magi.
to prove i can offer constructive criticism as well as enthusiastic praise: when punctuating dialogue, the dialogue and the tag line should be separated by a comma, with the period only at the complete end of the sentence. so your last sentence should read:
"One that I intend to keep," he said.
but yeah, good story and looking forward to the last chapter. lovers gonna love ... what can i say, i'm a lover :)
musicfreakalmost 12 years agoAuthorWell thanks for the nice feedback guys. As for the anon comment, I was contemplating on deleting it but I figured by doing so, I was just going to be showing that it bothered me so I left it. I have made no secret that I accept criticism as long as its constructive. If you think that my writing is mediocre then don't read it. This isn't some school reading assignment. You can click away anytime you want. And if you think I write at a primary school level then fine, because there are other people who like the story and I am extremely flattered by that, regardless of what you think of it.
tilly6almost 12 years agoI try to ignore comments like yours. I can understand constructive comments but your comment was just a waste of space. There is no reason to be so rude. If you didn't like the story then just move on. One thing I've noticed about most negative comments on all stories usually come from Anonymous experts.
@ musicfreak, I'm enjoying your story & I feel you have a great talent!!!!
Anonymousalmost 12 years agoI typed in the address. I saw your story byline. I clicked on the link. I read the story. I proceeded to add a comment and vote. This is not writing, this is reciting. This is what schoolkids who have to fill up a page or meet a word limit do to make up the numbers. Sorry to tell you but your recitation is very ordinary and boring Even your primary school teacher would have told you that you can do better. If you are interested in writing do a writing course that can give you lots of opportunities to expand your skills from the grade 5 level.
avidreadralmost 12 years ago@ musicfreak
Thank you for taking time to address readers' concerns. Not every author does it and I personally like a back and forth discussion.
As I think I said before, thank you for the story and good luck with your future.
Anonymousalmost 12 years agobut one question I have is, how Justin as a chef at his own restaurant can just come and go as he pleases. Yes he has Sam, his sous chef, but the hours that chefs spend at their establishments generally cannot be believed - it's a hard life. He's only 22. Yes it's a successful restaurant, but even so..
Having said that, it's a minor quibble, because I want a HEA too!! Justin 4 Chris, yay!
Anonymousalmost 12 years agoWriters block? It doesn't exist. You write, you push through the blanks, you write again. Hey, you'll learn!
well done, by the way.
musicfreakalmost 12 years agoAuthorWhoa guys, don't worry this isn't the end. There's one more chap so calm down Okay now to answer some question by you guys.
@ cannd: Well he went back because I guess in the business many things such as interviews and publicity stuff can happen at any time. Interview spots may open in short notice. In such a case he needs to at least be in L.A. to deal with them. He can't do that while in Miami.
@ geemeedee: I guess I wasn't clear enough with the narrative. Chris's decision was similar to Justin's in which they would break up for the good of the other.
@ avidreadr: There is still one more chap so...(hint hint)
@ hotlover69: I have been trying to write longer chaps for this story. Compared to "The New Kid" the chaps are longer. I would say however that my time constraints while writing this left me with severe writer's block which hindered my writing and led to shorter chaps than I had wanted. I mentioned in a comment on chap 1 that I wasn't fully satisfied with this story and the writer's block is a contributing factor to that.
@ metajinx: As I mentioned, I had severe writer's block with this story and just couldn't put out in word what I wanted to convey, especially in this chap. I agree with you 100% that it felt rushed because it was. I really tried to drag it out but it just became monotonous with many repeating themes.
I hope this answered any question you guys had. There is still one more chap left and I only have less than 2 days of Internet left. So I'll try to reply to some comments on the last chap before I leave but in the event that I can't, I'd like to thank you guys for reading my story. :)
