Star Studded Pt. 01

He leaned down encircling Gwen in his powerful arms.

Lee's mouth screwed up on one end, a sign he was deep in thought. This process of discovery was no better than trial and error, though he wondered if he hadn't stumbled onto something.

"I think you may need to hear this, Gwen. You know I'd never lie to you. Gwen, I didn't hear you back at the picnic table. I don't know what started this. I was near the back of the guys, the ones up front may have made out your words, but I didn't. I just heard you crying. I knew it was you, so I pushed up through them to get to you. I know there's a secret. I know you don't want me to know it. But that's all I know, Gwen. So, don't worry Gwen... your secret is safe from me."

Oh, that killed her... as it elated her. The elation was from dodging a bullet. Then it occurred to her no such thing had happened. Maybe she'd been faster than a speeding bullet, but not Lee. He'd taken the bullet with her name on it. Maybe he didn't know what the secret was, but he sure knew there was a secret now. She heard the disappointment in his voice. Damn. She realized he'd said the secret was safe 'from' him instead of 'with' him. And he gave her that to stem her suffering! She marveled at that.

Lee ventured, "Don't worry Gwen, I'm not trying to pry. I just need to know how to help you, Honey. I just need to know how to approach this, that's all I'm asking. Okay? I'm going to ask one question and perhaps a follow up, then no others. I won't ask for details now, and I won't leave you now. I will be here for you. Understand?"

Gwen saw this was bittersweet for Lee.

Gwen shuddered. What Lee was saying had seemed like such good news. Then it started going bad again. She saw he was hiding something thinking, 'Oh my Gosh, his pain.' She saw it clearly now. 'Oh, my poor Lee: so much pain!' She feared his question if it was working him over like this.

"Baby, a-are you having an affair?" Lee put everything into a facial expression of equanimity.

Gwen couldn't understand the question. She thought out loud trying to process the concept, "Affair? What? No, not ever, it's preposterous." Then she really let it sink in. What could possibly make Lee ask a question like that? What did he hear if he didn't hear the cause of all this? What snippets might he have heard? She forced herself to go over what was said before Lee showed up behind her. She had a secret. The girls knew the secret and he didn't. She begged them not to tell him because he would be so hurt. It would hurt them as a couple. And just now his incredible pain before he asked. A white-hot light scorched her mind at the conclusion.

Her voice was ragged and low with an animalistic tone, "NO... my God! NEVER! Oh Lee! No, you have to bel..."

She saw him relax; he actually staggered, like he'd held his breath all night.

Her hands attached to his forearms like a raptor's talons, "Lee, did you think I was cheating on you?" Gwen felt pure horror at the thought. Then another notion crashed through her mind erasing everything else. She asked her voice as tiny as a mouse, "A-And you STILL held me all night? Still tried to help me?"

Gwen was incredulous. Lee had lived with that pain and uncertainty all that time, not asking because he didn't want to agitate her further. For him to put her first even then, while being so grievously wounded himself, staggered her. How could a man like that actually exist? How could a man writ that large, love a screwed-up woman like her? Gwen knew that instant that she would die for Lee.

"Gwen, it's hard for me to describe how I feel about you. I don't think I could look the other way on that. I might want to if that is what it took to... I shouldn't tell you this, but I'm so head over heels for you that I'd put up with a lot more from you than any other woman. But if you're pushing the boundaries of fidelity, I'm sure my... reverence will take a hit. If that's what you really needed, I would need to be completely convinced of why. I've no idea how you could convince me, but without that conviction, if you kept pushing, you'd do it without being my wife."

Gwen's blood ran cold, "NO! NO! I swear I'm not. Oh, oh, shit Lee, my secret, it's nothing that..." Her husband stopped her from saying more.

Lee was a marble statue now, strong and resolved, his cure for the admission he'd just made, "Don't tell me. I want to protect you. I just had to know you loved me as much as I thought... that my life wasn't a lie."

Only then did Gwen comprehend how badly he'd suffered for her last night. Her pupils dilated so much it was hard to tell the color of her iris.

"Oh my God, Lee, you're Superman! It, the secret, is from before - way before, years before I met you. It wrecked my life. It's not what everyone thinks when they first hear. It turned out awful. You saved me Lee, you cut through all my turmoil and slew that dragon and saved me. If I can generate any more love, I'll give it to you. You have ALL of it now. You always will! I swear Lee, you've nothing to fear from any possible devotion of mine to that secret. I can't tell you how much I wish it never happened. I can't explain to you how much I want you to have all of me, this secret is not something I want to keep safe from you. I want to keep you safe from it. And well, I fear that to speak of it resurrects that dragon you killed. That's what this is all about. The dragon won't stay dead. It destroys my life. Lee, please darling, understand this: I hate the damn dragon!" There was venom in her now wretched voice.

Gwen's grip on Lee's forearm had not diminished, "I-I thought I might be alone the rest of my life. Then a knight came riding in. He was more special, even more special now, than I could comprehend, and he saved me. You're my knight, Lee. I-I can't love you any more than I do. I want to. I'll try to grow so I can generate more love, just so I can love you more."

Gwen gaped at Lee. He seemed more relaxed. She felt the dagger was still in his back if no longer his heart.

Gwen closed her eyes knowing on some level she wasn't giving her beloved what she should by what she was about to ask, "Lee, are you saying you will let it go at that?"

His frustration was not concealed, "Baby, I wish you were confident enough to be completely honest with me. The knowledge that I haven't earned that level of respect and love from you hurts!"

Gwen grew dizzy; she hated the very thought of that angle. She heard a gurgling noise from her throat, was she going to throw up?

Lee continued, his voice measured and confident, and just this side of glum, "But as I haven't earned it yet: I will. I started yesterday. I worked on it last night and today, and will the rest of my life. I pray one day I can be the man you want me to be."

Gwen's eyes flew open as her jaw dropped. She saw the hurt Lee was trying so hard to cover. It hurt her too. She saw a terrible reality. How could it be? For the wrong reasons perhaps, but Lee was right; his logic stood. She didn't trust him with the secret, did she? She felt like a gnat. How could she have done this?

Lee offered, "However, I'm so glad that whatever the secret is, that it's in the past. I'm very thankful there isn't something going on now."

"You mean an affair," Gwen marveled, "I swear honey, I owe you my life. I marvel that you want me, that a man as wonderful as you could love me. And now I marvel again at how much you love me!"

A shadow flew across his face. She thought about what he'd said, 'He's scared I don't love him as much as he thought'. She started shaking again.

Lee tried to look strong to reassure her, "Baby, I won't ask you any more questions now. I wanted to know if you... if you were cheating on me, and if so if your affair was over. Unless you lied to me, I believe you haven't cheated."

"Never once, never ever. Baby, why would I let another man touch me when there's you? I love you more than, more than..." she saw a pestilence of horror take possession of him. Whatever he just thought, it cut him to the quick! His embrace easily doubled.

"Gwen, please just one last question baby, and there will be no consequences. I would never blame you; it would kill me if you thought I would. I'm not that sort at all! I'm here to protect you! W-Were you raped?"

She cried hard now at his suffering on her behalf, whispering a "no" to reassure him. Lee was such a good man, and she was tearing him apart. She'd built a wall between them he couldn't understand. His reaction to her shutting him out was to show her consideration after consideration. There was nothing good or fair about this situation. She pulled herself together enough to give him a proper answer.

"Oh gosh no, Honey. No, my trouble is inconsequential compared to women that have faced something like that. My troubles were of my own making. It's so odd, if I'd done what I did with a college guy no one would think twice, but because of... well it's a stink that won't come off. You washed me clean of it. I thought the taint would never be erased, but you did it. I don't deserve a man who really... who actually thought I might have cheated on him and still tried to calm me all last night."

Gwen pulled back to make eye contact, still crying.

Lee explained, "It was obvious you loved me, I was praying that if it happened it was once and was over. It seemed so out of character for you that I had to give you the benefit of the doubt."

Gwen felt herself becoming as turned on as she'd ever known. Looking down she was shocked to be able to see her wetness on her upper thighs! That was as surprising as the revelation that they were both, in fact, naked and had been this entire time. Lee had undressed them and put them to bed last night. They'd gotten up some time ago, she'd been some sort of zombie she was so consumed with her past.

"L-Lee," she grasped her breasts, cupping them and holding them aloft towards him. She trembled as she looked down at her own full hands then up into his eyes. "Leee, looove me. Pleeease." Gwen started to cry again.

Gwen was suddenly on her back and full. She clawed at his back to hold him to her, wrapping her legs around his waist to pull him deeper, wailing her love, and her appreciation, "I can't live without you, Lee. Please love me. Please always love me!"

* * * * *

Over the next few days Gwen stayed close to Lee as a new puppy. He was good as his word, not asking her a single question. Still, Gwen saw the shadow; Lee believed she didn't trust him with the secret. She saw the terrible cascade that could result: if she didn't trust him, she didn't love him as much as he thought. That wasn't true. How could she convince him without telling him the secret? But damn it all, she didn't trust him with her secret, did she? Lee was now aware of a wall between them he hadn't known about. Though small that wall was bound to grow now. The problem wasn't the size of the wall, but its existence. His Gwen built the wall to keep him out. That was no good, even if it was for his own good, as she claimed. Worse, under these conditions, how could Lee ever know it really was for his own good?

Gwen rubbed her forehead wondering what man had ever been as loyal, faithful, and as trustworthy as Lee? If ever a man deserved to know something, it was Lee. How could she do this to him? And yet, how could she not? Gwen had somehow given Lee the "Lady or the Tiger" decision; two doors with the lady behind one and the tiger the other. Except for poor Lee there were tigers behind both doors.

Gwen felt like she was choking. She had to do something!

Gwen pulled him into the bedroom, "Lee, I want to ask you some questions. Yes, I see the irony, and yes this is related to my not answering your big question. Could you answer me in short answers please?"

Lee nodded, happy that at least she understood their dilemma.

Even in her anguish Gwen had to laugh, "You can be a bit fuller in your answers than that."

Lee just looked at her. While not hostile, it was obvious he was in no mood for games. Gwen rewarded him with an adoring smile.

"Lee, let me try to get closer to it. Damn it all, this is all MY fault and I hate it, especially that it's hurting you. It's not that I don't trust you to know my secret. It's the situation I don't trust. It's like the knowledge is an infectious disease. You saw how the girls reacted; they couldn't leave it alone. You were pissed at them too. That's the way it's been every time someone found out." She thought about her conversation with the girls, "I promise I was not a porn star."

Gwen smiled at Lee. He didn't return the smile never realizing that answer was on the list of possibilities. Her smile fell, reading her husband like a book. So far, she wasn't making things better. Lee noticed the weight that hung from her shoulders and the blood rushing to her face.

"Lee, you're the most wonderful and the most trustworthy man I know of. Period. This isn't fair, especially to you. I want to tell you some of it. You asked for the background, so I want you to have that. But speaking of it scares the living hell out of me. So if I tell you a little, can you keep your questions and answers short about it? I don't want you to misunderstand any part of it, so I understand your asking questions. But well, if I wasn't scared of it, I wouldn't have kept it a secret, would I? And Lee, I need you to understand that I didn't set out to keep it a secret from you. I set out to keep it a secret from everyone."

He smiled at that and nodded again watching her take a big inhalation for confidence.

Gwen started then faltered. She took another big breath smiling nervously, "Lee, to me this is like playing with the stake in Dracula's chest. I'm scared out of my wits to accidentally let this pestilence loose again. The last place in the world I wanted to be is back in this horrendous crypt. I want to be back in the sun with you. Instead, I've unwittingly brought us here."

Gwen suddenly threw her arms up in exasperation, "I feel like I'm playing beer pong on the control panel that fires the nuclear weapons."

Lee gave her time to compose herself. She sat at his feet as he sat on their bed.

"There are some pictures..." she trailed off. Lee looked sympathetic. She shook her head, "They aren't dirty pictures. I'm not wearing a whole lot though. I'm a college girl wearing summer garb, beach garb in some. Really that's what it would be, all it would ever be, except there's a big complication."

Lee waited patiently. Contrary to how his wife was acting Lee was in no hurry.

"Lee, I was with a guy... for a very short amount of time. And he was... famous."

Gwen chewed her lip so hard she drew blood. Lee stopped her and held her. After a while she tapped him to let her continue, thanking him with her eyes. When she started talking again nervousness made her speak considerably faster than her norm.

"Whenever someone finds out they change, they don't care about me any longer, instead they just think about... the famous guy. That vampire analogy really works.

"B-Baby, it was short too, real fast then over. But it messed up my life big time, f-for years. And you stopped it! You made things great again. I, uh, I never felt anything for him. It was sort of this unique thing, situation really, that was suddenly presented to me... and so... I did it."

Gwen's eyes were pools of desperation.

"Many people look at the opportunity I fell into and say, "Yeah, hell yeah," but those are usually the same ones that never treat me the same again. You saw the way the girls wouldn't let it go. It's terrible!"

Lee felt terrible that Gwen felt so terrible. So far, he hadn't heard anything that would cause anywhere near the sort of response she was having. Then again, he still wasn't sure what they were discussing. Whatever it was had turned their lives upside-down. He wanted to be supportive of his wife, but dammit, he wanted his spouse, partner, and best friend back. All he could do was be supportive and wait until he could find a straw to grasp at. This was maddening.

Gwen cried some, then pushed on, "Some people find what I did very... exciting. In another light it doesn't make me look very good, and I think THAT will hurt you too. Probably both will, because of how you feel about me. Who knows, perhaps the latter will upset you more, being as you care for me so very much.

"Y-You have to understand, there was never any love. That's why it's going to look so bad, but that's also the best thing for us now; for us forgetting it and leaving it on the trash heap. My not loving him is bad, but believe me it would be so much harder for you if I had. I never did, you must believe me!"

Lee was pretty sure Gwen was referring to not loving him, whoever he was. Now that she was finally talking, this was no time to stop her for clarification.

There was a pause while she gathered herself. Lee tried to process what he'd heard.

Gwen started on a different tangent. Once again it confused Lee more than helped him. "I know you love my hair but what I want to do," she stopped and looked at Lee very intensely, "Don't worry, I'm just talking. I want to dye my hair, it's already a different cut now from what it was then. I'll never tell anyone my maiden name again. And we should move. I have in the past and we should again."

Seeing Lee's stunned expression Gwen turned away.

Lee was so confused he felt like he'd come in at the middle of a Christopher Nolan movie, "Gwen, I want to support you, but all I'm getting are extreme consequences. You must remember, I don't know what the emergency is that's causing these panicked counter measures. The emergency I see is that you are freaking out, but I haven't an inkling as to why."

Gwen mustered a small smile for her long-suffering husband before dropping her head into her hands.

"I'm sorry Lee. I'm being cryptic. I'm petrified that somehow this will come between us, just like it has between me and every single person who's ever found out. You just have to believe me, he's an ant compared to you. He truly has no place in my heart. None!"

Lee closed his eyes mustering all his strength to not throw up his arms in exasperation. Fortunately, Gwen saw none of that. Unfortunately, she was convinced she was fileting Lee alive.

"I can't stand having a secret from you, Lee. However, that's better than lying to you. I've never lied to you and will never lie to you! Now that you know I kept something from you, I feel terrible. I detest, hate, HATE that you feel I don't trust you. I know you believe that reflects on how much I love you, too. Oh God, I can't win. Please listen: every single time people found out they treated me differently. I love you so much more than anyone I've ever met; how can I take that chance?"

Defeated Gwen continued, "There it is. I've told you the nature of it. I'll answer your questions, honey, but I beg you, if you can possibly live without an answer, don't ask. Except, and this point is major: if you believe that I don't love you as much as you thought, then you must ask, and I must answer. Love, honor, obey, right? I NEED to put your mind at ease on that point. But where you can accept a small answer, let's try to leave it at that. I'm amazed it hasn't driven you mad, I know over the years it's twisted me."

Lee thought, 'Driven me mad? It's only been a few days, what would drive me mad?'

Gwen had spoken just a tad above a whisper for her last statement, now her voice grew bold, "You're the strongest man I have ever met."

What might drive Lee mad was Gwen's extreme reaction, he still didn't see an issue that would cause it. He understood the trouble she'd had in the past but didn't see how it could stain the two of them, unless there was some part of the secret that was still current. She seemed to feel that her past conduct had some otherworldly grip on them. His face puckered thinking about it like he'd just bit into a lemon.