Staying Dead

On the long plane ride to the States, he had time to analyze what his brother had said. Grayson figured there were two possibilities of what had happened during his absence. Possibility One: his wife would have believed his promise to return and she and their child would be waiting to greet him, and a wonderful reunion would occur. Possibility Two: his wife would have believed he was dead and gone on with her life. Maybe gotten married again and had more kids. After hearing what Roy had said, his hope for Possibility One was dashed.

The fact that there was no mention of Grayson bringing his stuff to his old house was also in line with Possibility Two. He had the taxi take him to a hotel. Grayson told them he didn't know how long he would be staying. After checking into the room, Grayson sat on the bed and cried. Thank goodness the bar was not open and there was not a mini-bar in the room. He would have gotten roaring drunk if he had the opportunity.

Grayson called Roy and asked him to meet in the hotel bar lounge in the afternoon. He really didn't want to be around a bunch of people who would stare at his appearance when they talked. He was, however, ready for some alcohol. Roy came in with a long face which turned to shock when he saw Grayson's tattoos and rough skin. They hugged, cried a little and sat down. After ordering drinks, Roy got right to it. "Gray, I wish I had better news, so I'll start with the best first. You have a beautiful daughter, we named her Millie after Lori's mother. Here are some pictures." He scrolled through a few dozen.

"Thanks. She's beautiful like her mother. Please, how is Lori?"

"Bro, I won't lie. She's a mess. She was hospitalized after your kidnapping kept dragging on. While in the hospital, her boss had to let her go. She had gone way over her earned leave time. We were afraid she was going to lose the baby because she was so upset. Lori spent the last two months on bedrest before Millie was born. She was a real trooper during all the negotiations with the rebels. She raised most of the ransom money herself.

"Her hopes were really high when she had the money and was making the final arrangements for the exchange. Several people, including me, begged her to make sure she got proof you were still alive one last time before the exchange. When that did not occur and the rebels stopped communicating, everyone assumed that probably meant you were dead. Lori had to be hospitalized in a mental facility. It took your parents, her parents and me to keep things together. Eventually, she recovered. It was needing to care for Millie that brought her out of her depression.

"Everyone who wasn't sure you were dead before was sure by the second anniversary of your capture. Actually, Lori's father was the one who still held out hope. Everyone encouraged her to get on with her life. We told her that's what you would have wanted. You told me before you left to your assignment in Columbia to look after Lori. This is hard to tell you, but Lori and I are married. In order to move on, she had to divorce you based on abandonment." We . . ."

"Abandonment! What the fuck! I never . . ." Grayson's mind struggled with the accusation and the realization of how Lori mush have felt. As miserable as he felt, Grayson could understand. He calmed down.

"Gray, it was the only reasonable thing she could do. Otherwise, she would have had to wait seven years for you to be declared dead. You know no one, absolutely no one, believed you actually abandoned her."

Grayson's tear streaked face showed he understood but it still caused him anguish.

"Grayson, we have a son, Jacob. Named after our father." Roy waited for Grayson to explode at the news. He didn't.

Grayson tearfully responded, "Roy, I loved her more than anyone except maybe you and our parents. In my mind I thought something like this might be the case. Please believe me, I'm glad you were there for her and our daughter. I know neither of you would have done anything that you thought might hurt me. If I had died, I could not think of anyone I would rather she had started a new life with." They both hugged and cried some more.

"Before we go any further, Roy, how are our parents? Will they come here soon, or do I need to go see them?"

"I'm afraid there is more bad news. Mom and Dad are dead. A car accident about two years ago."

"Oh my God. Are they buried at the church cemetery?"

"Yes. We can go visit any time you wish. I'm afraid the news about them is even worse."

"Holy shit. How could it be worse than dying?"

"The last few years Dad had a mental problem. No, it wasn't caused by your situation. After the wreck, we found out he had a slow growing tumor on the brain. He started making crazy decisions like cancelling his and mother's life insurance. He bought several new cars, some within months of each other. Someone sold him lakeside property that was two miles from the lake. I talked to Mom about getting mental health intervention, but he was so opposed to it that she didn't want to upset him. He had a stroke that caused the wreck. Dad died owing money. His estate had to go into bankruptcy. Can you believe that Scrooge McMarshall would spend himself into debt?"

Grayson said, "Man you've had a lot on your plate: my disappearance, helping Lori, and the death of our parents. How have you held up?"

Tears again came to Roy's eyes. "I can't believe you. After all you've been through, you have sympathy for me? What I've had to deal with doesn't compare to what you've had to do just to physically survive. How did you do it?"

Grayson wasn't about to tell him of how the vision of a reunion with a faithful wife and child had a lot to do with his survival. Nor did he need to know that he had been unfaithful with over ten women in the jungle. Instead Grayson just said, "I had a lot of help from some wonderful people."

Roy finally smiled, "Yeah, and you must have been awfully drunk to have a tattoo like that on your face." They both had a chuckle.

Grayson told his brother the condensed version of his saga with emphasis on the parts that had some humor. That took well over an hour. After that, Grayson got serious and asked Roy, "Where do we go from here or do you have any more bad news?"

"We want you to come over to the house tomorrow night for dinner and meet Millie and Jacob. There's a lot we need to talk about. We want to be fair to you but . . . "

"I know. Please believe me that I don't want to disrupt what you and Lori have. If I get a sense that I am causing a problem, I'll just disappear."

"Please don't say that. It would kill us all over again. We will work out something for all of us to be together again. We just have to figure that out."

Grayson self-coached himself to be positive. His wife, ex-wife he guessed, and his daughter were the first priority. He didn't lie that he would probably have done the same if Roy and his situation were switched. He admonished himself, "Don't screw up their lives." Then he reasoned that maybe he already had by living.

It felt funny to ring the bell to his old house. Lori came to the door holding a baby. "Come in, come in. You never have to ring the bell to come into this house. Oh my gosh, you sure have changed. I bet you have some wild stories. I'm so glad to see you." The hug they gave each other was more that of two people who just met each other than husband and wife. "Come have a seat while I take care of the baby. Did Roy tell you his name was Jacob?" Her nervousness was evident.

"Yes, he did. He's a very handsome boy. I'm glad for you both."

Lori put the baby in the playpen and sat down in a chair. Grayson sat by himself on the couch. Lori looked like she was about to cry. She blurted out, "I'm so glad you survived. I guess my prayers got answered, just not very quickly." She was trying to be humorous and it hurt to see her try so hard. "Before you see Millie, I want to tell you that this will be hard for her. She has not known any father except Roy. Although she's a smart almost five year-old, we can't expect her to understand the concept of a 'real' Dad versus a 'bio-Dad, much less a Dad who was dead and is now alive. We've tried to explain it to her but, well, just take it easy on her."

"Okay."

Lori called to Roy who brought Millie into the living room. She was holding on to Roy's trousers for dear life. A thumb was getting seriously worked on by her mouth. She saw Grayson's face and turned her face into Roy's pants. "Millie this is Grayson, he is your father also."

"No, this is my Daddy."

Lori tried, "Millie I know it's hard to . . . "

Grayson interrupted, "Lori, let me try."

"Millie, what your mommy meant to say was that I am your Daddy's brother. If I had been here when you were born, I would have been your Daddy. Since I wasn't, Roy was kind enough to become your Daddy. I am very grateful to him." Grayson immediately became concerned that his explanation made almost no sense. He tried to salvage the moment, "You're a very pretty young lady."

"And you're an ugly old man."

"Millie shame on you!" Lore quickly admonished her daughter.

"No, Millie is right. I do look very strange don't I?"

"What IS that on your face?"

"It's a tattoo. It may not look very pretty but it was an honor for me to receive it. I am proud to have it."

"Mommy has a tattoo. She has a dolphin on her ankle."

"I know. I was with her when she had it done."

"Hers looks good. Yours looks like someone can't draw very good."

Grayson chuckled. "You're right. But the honor wasn't in the quality of the art, but what it meant for me to be allowed to have it."

"I don't understand."

"That's okay. There's a lot of things I don't understand either."

Roy interrupted, "Why don't we go ahead and eat?"

There were four places set at the dining table. The baby was in his high chair next to Lori. Millie was supposed to sit to Grayson's right in her normal seat, but she insisted on sitting in Roy's lap. Grayson prevented Lori from trying to get Millie to take her normal place. Lori, however, couldn't resist saying something. "Millie why don't you sit in your own seat?"

"Because I'm scared of that man." Her face turned into Roy's chest. She was crying.

"I don't want to cause problems for your family. I'll just go."

Lori cried out. "Don't you dare. This is your family too. If you go, I'm afraid I will lose you again."

Roy interjected, "Why don't you come over tomorrow for bar-b-que? I grill a mean burger. Millie loves to play in her kiddie pool. Maybe you two can get better acquainted through play."

Grayson acquiesced, "Okay, what time?"

"5:30. And bring a swimming suit."

Grayson came a little after 5:30 determined to be on his best behavior and hopefully, begin a relationship with his daughter. He would worry about his relationship with Lori and Roy later. Grayson was invited to change in the downstairs bathroom. He had been careful to wear a tee shirt that would hide his scars.

Lori took over grilling duties as Millie only seemed willing to play if Roy was with her. After a while, Roy, Millie and Grayson started splashing each other. Grayson protested saying he didn't want to get wet. Roy said he was a sissy and remembered the many times they had dunked each other as kids. Soon they were all getting into the fun. Roy's idea seemed to be working. Before long, however, Grayson's tee was wet and became almost see through. Roy stopped and stared at him. Lori noticed that the laughter had stopped and watched Grayson as he headed to the bathroom to change. She followed right behind and came in soon after he had taken his shirt off.

"Hey, can't a guy get some privacy."

"Damn it Gray. I've seen everything you have." Then she saw the scars. Lori became overwhelmed with grief. She started crying. "Oh Gray, I can't believe what those natives did to you. It looks like all those designs were burnt on you. However they did that it must have hurt terribly." She was sobbing. She came up and hugged him as tightly as she could. In this moment, her hug demonstrated he was her man and he had been hurt.

"The natives as you call them did not do this to me. The rebels are the ones who enjoyed torturing me. Almost right away they started trying to outdo the other in creating a design on parts of me."

"What? They promised you were being well taken care of. They lied to us."

"Imagine that, rebel kidnappers, lying?" Grayson regretted the sarcasm immediately. He went on as Lori moved her hands over my scars. "The tattoos were a piece of cake compared to the branding. Here, look at my panther tattoo." He hoped to divert Lori's attention from the scars.

Lori admired the tattoo. Her caressing of her former husband became more ardent. It was evident they wanted each other badly. Lori looked lovingly into his eyes, put her arms around him and said, "Can't we . . "

"No. It's not that I don't want to but I'm not going to ruin any more lives. Besides it would be pity sex. We have a lot of talking to do and even then, I'm not sure we will be able to work out a relationship the three of us can agree on. I better go. Tell Millie thanks for playing with me."

Lori offered, "We'll call with another time to get together."

"No. Let me call. I need some time to take care of business. It might do us all some good to have a break to think about what we can do. I'll call you."

Grayson did have some business to take care of. He went to Langley to be formally debriefed. His friends there gave him a lot of grief about the tattoo. He found out that the rebels who captured him were still going strong. Cocaine was still highly profitable, and they were able to pay enough to get reinforcements. Operations were still ongoing to disrupt their activities. After his debriefing, he was given his back pay and mustered out of the CIA. More than one person mentioned that he could make a lot of money as a merc. He had always considered that below his moral guidelines, but a chance for revenge had changed his moral principles.

Once back to his hometown, Grayson delayed his search for an apartment. His future there was too uncertain. The hotel room was a sufficient place where he could work on his memoirs. He had an agent that quickly made a deal with Beacon Press. Gray needed to finish it quickly while his story was still on the mind of the public. Beacon Press sent an 'as told to' author to speed up the process. The pressure of a deadline helped Grayson forget his family dilemma for a while and gave him an excuse for postponing what he was afraid would be replays of the previous disastrous encounters.

One departure from ignoring his family came when he accepted an invitation to meet with Lori's parents. They were okay with Lori not being invited as he had requested. Grayson loved them almost as much as my own parents. Most of the evening was taken up with his reviewing his time with the rebels (non-gross version) and with the indigenous tribe (clothed version). They were astounded, and both shed tears. He was hoping to avoid discussing the "marriage situation" with them, Lori's father was not having it.

He jumped in with both feet, "I told them that you were coming back. I begged Lori to wait. It takes seven years to declare a missing person dead. She could have waited that long. Your brother has been good to Lori and Millie but it's wrong. Just plain wrong. You're our son-in-law, not him. What are you going to do to claim your rightful place?"

"I don't know. I don't know what my rightful place is anymore. I'm afraid there is no good solution."

"Nonsense, son. Have their marriage annulled. Let Roy have the boy and let you move back with your wife and daughter."

"Sounds simple. I wish it was. The only solution would be a time machine and I would not have been in that plane over Columbia." Grayson went to his hotel room soon after. He cried most of the night.

Once he had worked out a plan that he thought might be agreeable to all, Grayson called Lori to set a time to come over and present it to Roy and Lori. She was both fearful and excited. After calming down, she went on, "Why don't you come back about 9:00 tonight after Millie and the baby have gone to bed. We'll talk over some wine or coffee, just you and Roy and I."

"Okay."

The kids were in bed by 7:30. Roy and Lori went into their bedroom next to the living room to talk. Lori spoke first, "What are we going to do? It kills me to see Gray become a second-class member of this family."

"Hey, I've not treated him that way."

"I know, Roy, I didn't mean to imply that. It's just that he's gone from husband and father to . . . I don't know what."

Roy offered, "Well, we both know we want him around and to have a relationship with his daughter and his nephew. Could we have him move into the guest bedroom and be like a favorite uncle?"

"I think that would be too awkward. He was my husband. He probably remembers time we spent together in bed . . . . and other places. And before you say anything, part of me does want to jump his bones. I have those memories also. It's not like he did anything to deserve what happened to him."

"Are you saying it would be best that I leave?"

"Oh God no, Roy. I love you and you are the father to Millie and Jacob. I plan to spend the rest of my life with you. It's just so complicated. What do we do to be fair to everyone? Is it even possible? I hope Gray has something figured out."

Roy reflected, "I hate to bring this up, but we have another problem to talk about. Finances. We were counting on Gray's life insurance. Once Gray's agency stopped sending his paychecks and you lost your job when you were hospitalized, you incurred a lot of debt because your health insurance came from Gray's job. My job alone has not been enough to support us and pay off the debt. If you go back to work, your salary would be wiped out in day care payments. We inherited nothing from my and Gray's parents. Yours have given us all they can. It looks like bankruptcy unless Gray is able to help us."

"Gray has money?"

"He told me that his agency was going to pay him for all the time he missed less the amount they had paid you. That should be enough to get him established. The big difference will be the advance for his memoirs."

"Memoirs?"

"Yeah, his kidnapping and rescue by that native tribe makes a heckava story. Several book companies are bidding for the rights to publish it. Movie companies might be interested in buying movie rights."

"We can't ask him for money after what all he's been through and what we've done to him."

"We haven't done anything to him on purpose. He said himself that he would have done the same thing if it had been me that was kidnapped."

"Roy, I know it's the wrong thing to say but, honestly, sometimes I wish that he had never come back."

"Lori, you know you don't mean . . . " There was the sound of a door slamming.

Lori screamed, "Oh no. He heard me. Gray! Come back!"

Gray had used his old key to open the door. Lori had said that he didn't need to ring the bell. He had come early because he was excited to present his solution. He had gone to their bedroom door and was about to knock when he heard "I wish he had never come back." All at once it hit him, she was right. Grayson left and threw away the phone that he knew would be ringing with calls from her and Roy. Once at his place, he grabbed a few things and then he was gone. This time for good.

Grayson headed for Langley and worked out what to do on the way. One of his friends said that he was about to leave the CIA and become a mercenary. The CIA had gotten frustrated working with the Columbian government and army. Operations had been severely curtailed. The Columbian government had turned more and more to mercenaries for the military expertise they still needed. His pitch was enticing: No rules of engagement like no shooting until fired on first. No trying to convince people to accept democracy. Plenty of money if you survived. Gray asked one last favor from my former supervisor at the CIA, a new identity. He wanted to make it difficult for Lori to find him if she was so inclined. It took less than a week.