Storm of Shadows Ch. 11

Movement caught her eye once again, and she made her way towards it quietly, her flight or fight instincts remaining subdued as she grew closer. Whoever or whatever was up ahead wasn't a danger to her. In fact, a sense of ease wafted over her and she acknowledged reluctantly that it had to be Agony. That sense of ease around him had been steadily growing as they made their way up the Carpathian Mountains. The longer she remained in the volatile Vârcolac's presence the stronger the feeling became. It irritated her as much as it intrigued her. She had to admit to herself that Agony fascinated her in a way no person ever had. She didn't like it, but she was honest enough to admit the truth.

With a small sigh, she broke cover of the trees into a clearing that contained a small lake of water, her breath catching as she watched the naked back of the dark-haired male before her, muscles bunching and flexing as he worked through flowing motions of arms and legs in a rhythmic pattern. For a moment Natalia forgot how to breathe, transfixed as Agony performed some form of martial arts. She had never seen anything more beautiful or compelling in her life before. So much so, if someone chose that moment to walk up behind her and murder her, she would have been oblivious to the danger.

The beautiful sight was suddenly marred as long red gashes appeared on Agony's flexing back, rivers of bright red blood oozing from the rents in his flesh. Natalia gasped in shock, her hand coming up to muffle the sound, but he had the hearing of a predator, his head swiveling around to turn silver and crimson eyes on her. Her first thought was how melancholic his unfettered gaze appeared. Then familiar dark glasses covered his naked gaze, and the rents and blood vanished in an instant, to be replaced by a fully clothed male.

"What are you doing here?"

The words snarled out of lips twisted in anger, but she felt no threat from him.

"I was looking for you," she finally said, her voice sounding loud in the quiet clearing. "Why were you doing that? It was you that was hurting yourself, wasn't it?" She was aware that she didn't know the full extent of his mental powers, but she knew she was right on that point.

"Go back to the others, Natalia."

Hostility and rejection wafted from him in waves, but she walked forward, refusing to be shooed away like an errant child.

"Why does one of the most powerful beings on the planet cut himself?" she asked, confusion lacing her words. "That was what you were doing, Agony. I've seen it before though never quite like that." Sitting on a boulder, she settled her gaze on his face, trying to see past the shades that covered melancholic eyes that called to her in ways she couldn't understand.

"I went to a human school for a while. We managed to stay in one place for almost a year, and my alpha finally agreed to letting me attend a normal school for a couple of semesters. A girl there was very withdrawn. I tried to make friends with her, but she rebuffed all my attempts. One day I went to the girl's bathroom during class and I found her cutting herself with a sharp razor." Natalia's eyes clouded over, and she was swept back to that day as if it were only yesterday.

"She had this little bag that had antiseptic lotion and wipes, cotton wool, band aids, and a place to hold the razor. She was cutting her inner thigh, there were white lines along the skin from previous cuts. When she saw me she screamed at me to get out, and when I didn't leave she begged me not to tell anyone. She said she hurt inside and this was the only outlet for the pain. That if she couldn't do it then she would go insane. I didn't know what to do, but I finally agreed not to say anything if she would come and talk to me when she got the urge to cut."

She paused, taking a deep breath as the memories came in a torrential wave. "I didn't say anything, Agony, and a week later the headmaster called an impromptu assembly and told us that the girl had died. She had slit her wrists and been discovered by her mother. I left school that very moment and I never went back again. If I had said something...told someone what I'd seen then maybe she could have gotten help." Natalia choked back a sob, guilt pressing down on her even though she knew deep down that if someone was determined to take their own life then they would find a way no matter how much someone tried to stop them.

"What was her name?"

It wasn't the question she had expected from him, but it drew her gaze to him, and she saw that he had moved to stand just in front of her.

"Carly."

There was a moment of silence and then Agony sat down on the boulder beside her, as close as two people could be without touching. "I am not Carly, Natalia. What you witnessed may have seemed similar to your earlier experience; however, it is not the same. I do not have a death wish, and you do not need to save me as you couldn't save your human friend. You're intelligent enough to know that you are not responsible for her actions. You should not beat yourself up about something you couldn't have changed."

Natalia knew what he was saying was right, but she couldn't banish the memories of his skin tearing and the way it made her feel sick inside. "If it isn't the same then what is it, Agony? Why do you do that to yourself?" She shook her head, confusion, and the need to understand, overwhelming her.

"I can't imagine any reason why someone would want to inflict such pain on themselves." Her eyes beseeched him for an answer, and for a moment, his expression remained closed. Then he looked across at the lake, though she knew instinctively his gaze was somewhere other than the clear water.

Agony didn't like the quiet desperation he could see and scent around Natalia. He had felt each moment of her distress and pain as she'd related her story, and her pain had set off a spark of rage deep within. He was furious with the girl Carly for binding Natalia to a promise that had ultimately culminated in her blaming herself for something that wasn't her fault. He was furious with himself for not realising she was close, for allowing her to see him at his lowest point as he fought his inner demons.

The human girl beside him was compassionate, sensitive to the darker aspects of the world. His instincts screamed at him to protect her, to try to shelter her, even though he knew she was stronger than she appeared. Natalia had stood up to him on the train when everyone else had been afraid. Just the thought of her flashing eyes and stern words were enough to tempt a smile to his face. Yet, the instinct to protect her was becoming stronger the more time they were together, and it irritated him even as it drove him.

She shouldn't have had to see him excising his demons. She shouldn't have had to relive the experience of her time in school. By allowing her to witness his cutting, he had caused her to remember a childhood memory that was best forgotten. She deserved to have what answers he could give her.

Taking a deep breath Agony worked on lowering his inner barriers. For the first time ever, he tried to let someone in. "I have always been conflicted," he finally said, his words coming out on a quiet rush of air. "I have always kept myself apart from everyone, not because I didn't care, but because I was afraid of what I may do. I came into this world on a rush of pain and death, and I have lived each day that very same way."

He dropped his gaze to the ground, taking a deep breath. "It wasn't Kothari who was born that day, Natalia. Agony drew the first breath of air. I was born feral, and starving for blood. I was so insane with the need to live and feed that I had no conscious thought about anyone around me."

He stopped, fighting a deep shudder as he struggled with being vulnerable. It had come to matter what she thought of him. It mattered how she would view him when she learned the truth. Would she understand or would she just see the monster. Taking another deep breath, he pushed on, words spilling out of his mouth before he did what he usually did and closed himself off from all around him.

"I literally clawed my way out of my mother, Tali." A shudder did escape him. "I have an eidetic memory and I relive that day repeatedly. I can hear her screams and my father's anguished shouting. I can smell the blood, feel my claws, and fangs ripping flesh. I wanted more...more blood, more pain. I never wanted it to stop. Then, there was a voice inside my head, a soothing whisper full of an emotion I couldn't identify until I was older."

Agony dropped his head into his hands, the scents, the sounds, all overwhelming him until he thought he would scream out loud. "It was my mother's love. She was forgiving me even as I was trying to kill her. It was a deep, aching, beautiful well of love that told me everything was okay, and it didn't matter how much pain I caused her. That she would give up her life for me in a heartbeat."

He looked up again, sightless eyes staring at the horizon. "Then there were others there. I learned later that it was Annie and Caleb, though they had ceded control to the Vampire Queen and her King. Together all four of the most ancient beings on the planet fought with my feral side, slowly subduing me until Kothari came to life and peace settled over the day. I was buried so deep within our mind that there was no hope of me ever coming out again unless Kothari ceded control. My parents took me away for some weeks to be sure that their magic had worked to contain me. When they deemed it to be a success they returned to the pack and Kothari began his life as one of the Vârcolac. Whenever I came too close to the surface, Kothari would meditate using Thai Chi. If that didn't work he would use his mind to cut and release the building pressure. Today I was trying his system. The closer I come to finding my parents the more feral I feel."

There, it was now out in the open, he had finally spoken the damning words that had haunted him for all of his life. If she had sense, she would start running and never look back. Part of him wished that she would. The other part of him longed for her acceptance. He knew that part was Kothari lurking within. Who would get their way this time? He turned his gaze on her to see her expression.

He'd expected loathing or compassion but what he saw was unease and confusion. He wondered what she was thinking and if she was ever going to speak. Finally, she took a deep breath, perfect lips opening to exhale quietly.

"Why do you always differentiate between Kothari and Agony?" she finally asked, her head tilting to the side. "You act as if you're separate beings but you're both the same. One child was born that day, Agony, not two. I can't even begin to understand how traumatic it was for everyone involved, but the fact of the matter is that only one child came out of your mother's womb."

Disappointment welled up sharply, an emotion he hadn't much experience of. He was glad he hadn't because he hated the way it seeped into every inch of his being like an insidious cancer. Why he'd thought she'd understand was beyond him. Growling he jumped up, the disappointment welling higher. As if she could sense his emotions, she jumped up too, a hand reaching out to him

"No, stop Agony, and think this through logically." Natalia yelled as he went to take off.

His flight instincts were high, but there was something about the urgency in her voice that halted him, though he kept his back to her.

"Don't you see what you've done?" she asked, compassion ringing in her voice.

Usually it was only his mother who spoke to him in that tone. That was enough to keep him standing there to hear her out.

"You've been so wrapped up in blaming yourself for what happened that day that you've created a good guy and a bad guy as a way to deal with it. You've made Kothari the good son and Agony the bad one. That's how you've coped with the trauma of what happened to your mother and the guilt that you feel."

If he tried to detach himself from the situation, he could admit that there was a certain logic to what she was saying. He didn't want to listen to it though, even as he forced himself to remain rooted to the spot. Agony could feel her approaching, the compassion, and understanding in her voice holding him as if in a spell. He was afraid to breathe, afraid of being so vulnerable, and then a small hand gently touched the base of his back. Every nerve in his body ignited, and he froze under her touch, waiting to see what would happen next.

"Your birth wasn't your fault, Agony," Natalia whispered, the heat of her hand moving rhythmically against him. "You were just a baby with no real knowledge of what was happening. Probably your parents didn't even realise that you were starving as you grew. I am presuming none of the other Vârcolac had that issue?"

"They didn't," he confirmed, the heat of her hand sending comfort through his body. "I learned later that Liam once heard my mental cries when I was inside my mother. He was always overly empathic, even as a young child. He told them that I loved my mother and didn't want to hurt her. No one understood what it meant or how important it would turn out to be."

"See! If the adults couldn't understand your needs then why on Earth do you expect yourself, a tiny a baby to have understood it? It wasn't your fault, Agony. I know it. Your mother knew it, which is why she reassured you. It's time for you to know it too. Forgive yourself for something you couldn't have done anything about. As you've just told me to forgive myself for what happened to Carly."

She was so good, so pure; she was perfection in a fragile human package. He yearned for her words to be true, to give in to her compassion, and forgive himself for the past. His parents were missing though, and they were in extreme danger. Agony was their only hope of surviving their abduction. He couldn't let his parents down again.

"You are a child in a supernatural world, Natalia," he bit out harshly as he whirled to face her, showing just how much of a monster he could be. He snarled furiously, ratcheting up his darkness so she would scream and run away. "You presume to make me weak with your words of love and compassion. Weakness will not save my parents. Weakness will not keep you and everyone else alive. Go back to the clearing with the others. Stay there until I tell you it's time to move out."

His abrupt about face startled her so much; Natalia took two steps backwards, fear shadowing her expressive features. She quickly masked it, a stunning flash of rage crossing her face.

"Do you think being a monster makes you strong, Agony?" She bit back, fury coming off her in waves. "Let me tell you what being strong really is. It's about seeing your father killed and wanting to curl into a ball of misery, but you keep going. It's about seeing all recognition of you disappearing from your mother's eyes until it breaks your heart, but you keep going. It's about traipsing half way around the world with a bunch of strangers who could kill you with one flick of their wrists, but you're needed so you keep going. That is what being strong is all about, not throwing your weight around, and killing everything you see. Being strong is about being mentally strong as well as physically, and seriously, you bloody suck at that!"

With a furious snort, she brushed past him heading out of the clearing. She turned back for a moment, and he recoiled from the pity in her eyes. "Do you know what's really sad about this whole thing, Agony? Yes, you have a darkness that is feral and bloodthirsty, but you are also Kothari, and love and care about your friends and family. You have a spectacular panther deep within you too. You just can't see that you are not three separate beings inside one body, but one whole being who has three distinctly different qualities. The sad part is until you accept that, until you become as one, you will never see that you will be the most remarkable being on this planet."

Without another word, she whirled around and disappeared into the trees, leaving him seething at the verbal slap down, and yet oddly proud of the way she once again stood up to him. He had been wrong to open up and make himself vulnerable. He could see that now. Yet, a small part of him was glad that she knew the truth of what he was. She was aware of everything and she hadn't run. It took strength to do that and her words echoed in his mind.

Until he'd met Natalia he hadn't considered the merit of emotional strength, but now he was required to do so. It wasn't usual for him to consider others' perspectives, yet a frail human girl was seeping under his skin and forcing him to examine other ways of living. Yes, he could accept that there were different versions of strength in the world; however, she was wrong to think that her version was what would save his parents. He only knew one way to fight evil and that was through blood and death. His way was the only way they would succeed in their mission, and Natalia would just need to come to terms with that.

Perhaps Kothari was right about the little spitfire who had just left. While she aggravated him on one hand, he found himself more intrigued with her by the minute. Now was not the time to investigate that though. His mother and father were out there somewhere in the mountains and they were his top priority. Running a hand through his hair, he followed Natalia back to the others. He hoped by the time he returned she would have calmed down. Then they could get on with what they were there to do without any further distractions.

How was it possible to be so infuriated by someone and yet want to hold them close and comfort them at the same time? One part of Natalia ached for Agony and yet the other part wanted to kick him in the shins. The strength of her emotions was surprising. Until she'd seen him cutting himself by the lake, she would have sworn she didn't care what he did. That had changed the moment she'd seen him bleeding.

Something deep inside had broken free. Some part of her had felt pulled towards the volatile Vârcolac. She didn't understand what it was, but something had connected between them in that moment. Now she was just confused and hurt at him opening up and then turning on her. She wished her mother was here so she could speak to her about it. She knew it was forlorn to wish. Her mother wouldn't even know who she was if she were here. Still, she needed someone to talk to and she didn't know who to turn to.

"Is everything okay, Tali?" Dara asked, coming to sit beside her.

The stunning blonde had an understanding smile, and she oozed trust. With a sigh Natalia took her glasses off and rubbed her eyes before putting them back on.

"Why didn't anyone help him, Dara?" She could tell from the other woman's expression that she didn't need to elaborate on who she meant.

"We have all tried over the years," Dara finally answered, a flash of pain clouding her expression. "I guess I was the closest to him, he would let me in a little more than he did everyone else. He always maintained a distance though, no matter what I tried. Just when I would think he was finally opening up he would build his walls again and it was like starting from the very beginning. I kept trying to break down that wall though, as did we all." She gave a small shrug, regret crossing her face that she had never been what he needed.

"He told me things just now, personal things I don't think he's shared with others," Natalia admitted. She didn't go into detail about what was said. That was between them and no one else. She had to talk to someone about her feelings though, and the other woman knew Agony the best.

"He carries so much pain inside, Dara," she whispered, a feeling of helplessness coming over her. "When we were together, I could almost touch it, and something happened...something connected between us. I feel like I have to help him even if he fights me on it. I did try my hardest to get through to him, but he turned on me, becoming hard and unapproachable like he was when my pack was attacked. He went out of his way to scare me and even as he did, I found myself furious with him and yelled at him. Usually I have a much better sense of self preservation."