Stranded Ch. 16

"Is there anything I can do to change your mind?"

"Not a chance, it's been decided. This will be good for you...for us. And who knows, maybe a little entertaining too. Now pull yourself together, you are starting to sound ungrateful again. You know what, maybe you should stay put...I'll go visit your father." He started to shove me back into the car and I clung to him instantly.

"No! No, I'm sorry. I am very grateful! I...I can do this."

"That's much better." He wrapped his arm around my shoulders, pulling me tightly against him and together we walked across the street.

My legs felt heavier the closer we got, and I was certain I was going to vomit any minute, though that could have easily been side effects of the sedatives. Behind the paint chipped wooden fence, the grass had become overgrown, covering most of the walkway. I opened the gate with a creak and led him down the little stone path to my front door. I felt numb as we climbed the steps, each one higher than the last. When was the last time somebody mowed or trimmed the hedges? I took some deep breaths, trying my best to display a convincing smile, but every attempt felt like a struggle, muscles I was not used to using as often. I knocked on the door, not a sound could be heard from within. Maybe he is dead. I closed my eyes tightly. How could I even think such a thing? What was wrong with me?

"Well, I don't think he's here." I announced, turning back towards the car. But Arioch grabbed my arm, and the poisonous butterflies returned as he pressed the doorbell.

"Uh, not so fast darlin."

I found myself hoping he would not be home; if seeing my father meant it put him in danger than I would rather never see him again. Had that been Arioch's intention all along? To frighten me so badly that I would never consider returning home. My heart sank as I watched the doorknob turn and the door opened to reveal someone who looked like my father...but this man was different. He had become too thin, leaving his face gaunt; his body carefully hidden beneath a thick wool sweater. His loose skin held the yellowish tint of jaundice, some of his hair seemed to have fallen out and the hanky hastily tucked away inside his sleeve revealed a few blood stains. All of this told me one thing, he was finally nearing the end. His eyes opened wide in surprise when he took in the sight of us and I pulled away from Arioch to wrap my arms around him in a tight hug, earning me a gasp before I loosened my grip.

"What the hell do you want? Run out of money?!" I pulled away, doing my best to show how much his words did not just tear my heart apart.

"Of course not, I came to check in on you."

"Who the hell is this?" I looked back at Arioch, who took my hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

"This is Ar...uh...Sam, my...my husband," I introduced. Words I never thought I would hear myself say in a million years.

"Married? Is that why you dropped out? To elope? I thought you were smarter than that." he chastised. I gave my father a smile, but it was Arioch who answered first.

"It happened kinda fast, to be honest. But I knew from the moment I laid eyes on her that I just had to have her." Real fucking funny asshole.

"And just what exactly do you have to offer my daughter?"

"Well, Sir, if you would invite us in, I would love to answer any questions you might have." My father glanced behind him, hesitant, then sighed and nodded.

"Come on in then I suppose." My father took a few steps back and opened the front door wider, waving us in. He shuffled his feet as he walked back to the living room, doing his best to cover his coughs.

"So, lung cancer huh...stage 4 you said?" I grimaced. He had caught me in yet another lie. I walked past him without a reply, nothing I said was going to make it better, so I was not going to waste the energy. The strong stench of antiseptic filled the house, and my father was already throwing empty bottles away in a spare trash bag. Vodka. Rum. Scotch. Whiskey. There did not seem to be a liquor he had not consumed and there were just too many to hide successfully.

"You'll have to forgive the mess. Maid hasn't been over in a while."

"Daddy...you know you're not supposed to be drinking anymore...Doctor said it'll only progress..."

"Mind your damn business! I do not hear from you for months and then you waltz in here thinking you can start telling me what to do? I am still your father, even if I am dying." He cleared his throat, giving up on his task and collapsing into his chair, waving his hand at me as if he could dismiss my concerns.

"That wasn't what I..." Did he really want to die that badly? Were a few extra months not worth giving it up?

"Listen here young lady, I will drink as much as I goddamn please. Now why don't you make yourself useful and fix me something to drink while you are up? Maybe pour one for your husband while you're at it." I opened my mouth to argue then thought better of it. Maybe if he were a little buzzed it would be easier to convince him I was a happily married woman. It wasn't like I was able to stay and take care of him till the end anyways. Not that the miserable old man even wanted it.

I managed to find a half-finished bottle of gin sitting atop his bar and after rinsing out two glasses I poured them each a drink. By the time I returned, Arioch had cleaned off one of the couches, stacking the old newspapers on the coffee table. We both sat down, him squeezing my hand. He was playing the part of a quiet observer.

"You know, the school called, a whole quarter of tuition down the drain. They said you didn't even show up for the first day. You could have at least dropped your classes before the check cleared." I felt my eye twitch. This was going to be the last time I ever saw him, and he could not stop being a mean bastard for even a second. I wanted to scream at him, but what was the point? He could not save me; he could not even save himself. What did he even care about money for if he was dying?

"It was never my intention..." My eyes filled with tears as he interrupted me again.

"And you decided to come all the way here to share your good news instead of picking up a phone like a normal person? Write a letter? Maybe let your dying father know where the hell you are? That you are not lying dead in a ditch somewhere? I know I didn't raise my daughter to be so selfish."

"Sir, we have no phone service where I live, and we would have come sooner but I was prepping the farm for winter. There hasn't been a day that's gone by where she wasn't thinking of you." My father narrowed his eyes as he stared across the rim of his glass at Arioch before downing the rest of it. He shook his head as he cleared his throat.

"A farmer...well that explains the garnet." I felt my fists clench. Who was he to pass judgement while he sat there and killed himself on booze? It was embarrassing, but most of all it was infuriating. Why did he have to drag me back here?

"Daddy, when was the last time your nurse stopped by?"

"She doesn't anymore, I fired her. She stole your mother's earrings." I knew the pair he spoke of instantly because I had been the one to borrow them. They were diamond tear drops. Small, but my mother had no need for gaudy jewelry, I had wanted to wear them for Zane and mine's anniversary. I had not thought he would even notice; I had been very careful to leave everything looking undisturbed. Her side of the room had been left exactly the way it was on the day of her passing, like some shrine lost in time. While the bed sheets were changed every few weeks, he never slept on them. He spent most nights either passed out in his office or tipped back in his recliner. But every so often I heard him in there, crying in the middle of the night when he thought I was asleep.

"Why didn't you talk to me first? She didn't steal Mom's earrings, I borrowed them."

"Talk? You would have to answer your damn phone for me to talk to you. You should have asked me before even going in there."

"I was afraid you'd say no. How long ago did you fire her?" He took another look around, judging by the mess, it had to have been shortly after I left. I had been home on spring break, I came home for all my breaks, it was my only excuse to check on him. He had refused to let me take the year off school, staying home was not going to stop him from dying. I thought it was because he cared, but sometimes I felt as though he simply did not want anyone trying to stop him from drinking.

"Have you been taking your meds? Eating? Who's been looking after you?"

"Delores checks up on me, picks up my medication and brings me casseroles. She says it gives her something to do since Henry passed. Quit changing the subject, did you quit school because of this man?" He has noticed the age difference.

I squeezed Arioch's hand and leaned into him, doing my best to look as though I was snuggling. But reality was my heart was beating so fast I was worried I would faint.

"I found someone who makes me happy and I couldn't bear spending another moment apart. I thought you would understand." I looked at Arioch as I said it, and while I knew my face would betray my true feelings, my voice did not.

"How exactly do you plan to support yourself? He doesn't even have a real job."

"I have a farm that supplies everything we could possibly need. And I do have a real job, I am a mechanic, I own a shop in town, I can take care of her just fine."

"A farm? You cried at the petting zoo." In my defense, that goat had licked me, and not only had it been slimy, it pushed me into the mud by headbutting me.

"When I was 4 Daddy. I'm not a little girl anymore."

"She's adjusted quite well, and I've got family close by, so we aren't totally alone out there."

"And what of your dream of helping people?"

"Like he said, I don't need to work. He owns the property, so we don't have rent to pay. Farm provides most of our food...I thought you would be happy for me Daddy."

"And how will you support yourself if you get divorced?" Arioch chuckled and squeezed my hand.

"Divorce is not something I was taught to believe in. When I uttered my vows, I meant every single word. Till death do us part." My father looked suspicious but something about the confidence in which Arioch spoke with, had my father's shoulders relax just slightly, though that could have easily been explained away by the alcohol. I wanted to believe he was relieved to see I was in what he thought to believe were good hands.

"Where did you two meet? That support group of yours?" He meant the grief support group where I had met Zane, for people who had lost a loved one to suicide.

"No, the farmers market actually. He was working a fruit stand with one of his cousins. You won't believe how much better home-grown food tastes." A little truth to cover the lie. Arioch's eyes widened in surprise. He had told me to be convincing, was it that I came up with the story quickly or that it was more in depth than he expected?

"I just don't understand why you would give it all up! I have given you everything, and now you're throwing it all away, for a farm boy." I could feel Arioch tense beside me, and I felt panic begin to creep in. When was he going to decide he had enough?

"I didn't come here to be interrogated or judged by you, I just wanted to see you and let you know I was okay."

"Such a waste of potential. Do you have any idea how disappointed I am?" He sighed, as he tried shaking his drunken haze away. I felt the sharp pain in my chest, his words hitting me harder than any fist or belt ever could. I would rather be caned a hundred times then suffer such cruelty.

"If you're going to be nothing but mean, I can just leave." But what I really wanted was for him to apologize, to say he didn't mean the awful things pouring from his intoxicated lips.

"I'm not keeping you here, there's the door if you want to leave."

"Why are you being so nasty? Mom would have wanted us to get along, she wouldn't want you killing yourself like this..."

"Don't you DARE speak of what she would have wanted! If it weren't for you, she'd still be alive!"

No amount of strength could keep the tears at bay this time. It was not the first time he had said it, I had lost count of how many times I had heard it over the years. Her depression had been triggered after my birth. At first the doctors thought it was just postpartum, but the symptoms never went away, they only got more severe as years went on. Therapy, medication, nothing seemed to help. Eventually it was just too much for her to cope with. My lip trembled and I stood abruptly turning to Arioch.

"I hope this was entertaining!" I snapped bitterly. I turned to my father, almost shaking in anger as tears soaked through the front of my dress.

"We'll be leaving first thing in the morning and I won't be coming back. I hope you die miserable and alone!" I did not wait for his reply, I did not even turn back to see if Arioch was behind me. I ran as fast as I could upstairs, not caring if I were behaving like a child. The moment I entered my room and shut the door, I sank to the floor, pressing my face into my hands to muffle the sobs. Would he still be so cruel if he knew the truth? That I had not run off and eloped but was instead being held against my will, by the very man he was sharing a drink with. The sharp pain in my chest grew, my heart breaking and I prayed for a heart attack. I did not want to live another moment if this was all life had left for me. One of the few things that had kept me going was seeing my father again before he died and now, I found myself wishing I hadn't. The hope had served me better than reality. How many years of my life had I wasted trying to please him? Trying to make him love me the way he once did? To stop blaming me for her death?

Arioch did not knock, but I hadn't really expected him to. He gently pushed the door open, sliding me across the wooden floor with it. He stepped in, shutting it quietly behind him. I turned my back to him, unable to bear him seeing me so vulnerable, but I could not turn the tears off. He was silent as he sat down behind me and slowly pulled me into his arms. I fought at first, resisting his pull. He was the one who brought me here, he was the one keeping me prisoner, what right did he have to comfort me too?

"It is not your fault darlin', it was never your fault." I crumbled in his embrace, turning to bury my face in his chest as the gut-wrenching sobs broke free. My mind circled endlessly, did my father ever love me? Was there ever a time he looked at me and did not see his dead wife? I felt like I lost my father the same day I lost my mother; she may have killed herself, but she took him with her. Nothing I did was ever enough. It did not matter how well I behaved, or how many A's I achieved, he was never going to love me like he did when she was still alive. The few good memories I had of him; those were the memories I desperately clung to. But even they were not enough to push away this pain. Obviously there had to be something wrong with me for my own father to hate me so. I was defective, damaged, rotten to the core.

"You don't have to hide your tears from me, let it out." he soothed, petting the back of my head. The reality of it all slammed home, he had finally gotten what he wanted, I had no one. My last flame of hope was finally extinguished, he was really all I had now. The thought made me cry even harder.

"Why did you never mention that your father was such a mean drunk?" We were laying side by side on my bed, my head resting on his chest and it almost felt peaceful. The tears had finally dried up, I could almost breathe through my nose again, but I was drained.

"You're a mean drunk." I retorted, cheeks burning in anger. Why does he have to open his big fat trap and ruin it? He opened his mouth then closed it just as quickly.

"Your father has fallen into the clutches of gluttony." I sat up abruptly, glaring down at him.

"The only sin my father is guilty of is grief! I am not going to sit here and listen to your judgement, any more than I am going to listen to his. She was his whole life, he's...utterly lost without her."

"Why do you defend someone who clearly thinks so little of you? Grief has nothing to do with it, your father is a raging alcoholic. I know my family drinks, probably a little too much even. But your father has drank himself to death, literally."

"Are you finished? Have you said your piece? Any other judgement you want to pass Mr. Holier than thou?" I demanded.

"Aren't you tired of fighting me yet?" Arioch asked with a sigh. I looked away defiantly, my eyes would give it all away. I was tired, beyond tired. But no matter how much my father hurt me, he was still my father. The same man who had raised me, by himself, all these years. He had a disease, and I wasn't just referring to the cirrhosis.

"You brought me here, you insisted I say goodbye. I did what you asked and look what happened! Why couldn't you just shut up and comfort me? Why do you have to be such an asshole?" I demanded. He gave me a look that told me I was pushing buttons, but I didn't care. I had made a mistake seeking comfort in his arms, a mistake I would not make twice. I jerked my pillow out from under him, his head giving a satisfying thump on the mattress and after grabbing the extra blanket at the foot of my bed, I threw myself onto the little seat by the window. I half expected him to demand I return or at the very least drag me back, but he was quiet, and eventually I drifted off again, staring at the crescent moon.

There was a brief millisecond when I first opened my eyes, before my brain had fully awakened, where I felt a complete sense of peace. I was staring at the pear tree that grew just right outside my window, remembering all the times I had used it to sneak out, remembering how sweet the pears tasted, how my mother and I used to pick them for baking. Then I heard him speak and it all came rushing back.

"I'm going to use the bathroom, then we'll head home." I waited until the door had completely shut before I sat up. I moved fast, knowing he would not be long. I grabbed the picture from my nightstand, it was the one of my parents and I that had been taken just a few months before she passed. It was my favorite because they were both smiling, faces glowing with a happiness I could scarcely recall, and me, smack dab in the middle, their faces pressed to either side of me. Despite missing one of my front teeth I had the biggest grins on my face. I remembered the day very vividly, we had gone to the local pumpkin patch, went on the hayride, even picked out a couple pumpkins. I flipped the frame over, working quickly as I took it apart and grabbed the picture, carefully folding it in half, before shoving it up my sleeve. I threw the frame between my mattresses before moving to my jewelry box, quickly plucking my mother's locket, and tucking it into the waistband of my long underwear. Without pockets, there was not much I could take with me, and that was if I managed to hide them all the way home. Home. It was strange how my bedroom had already begun to feel so foreign to me. The door swung open, but I didn't immediately turn around.

"Ready to go, sweetheart?" He asked, standing in the doorway and I nodded as I turned and took his hand. My father was passed out on the recliner as we made our way down the stairs, he was on his side, facing away from us, a nearly empty bottle of scotch beside him. I considered waking him to say goodbye, but then his harsh words came flooding back and with a sigh I lowered my head and followed Arioch back to the car. There was nothing but silence as I climbed in, feeling utterly defeated. I leaned the seat back, turning slightly to the side, away from his gaze.