Subway Girl Ch. 10

I stood and took her outstretched hand and she said, "I hoped to meet you under better conditions. I flew out last night when I got the call. Sorry we couldn't get in touch with you. Alicia thought you might be worried."

"Yeah, I was," I admitted. I looked at Alicia and she had her arms folded across her chest and a rather pissed look on her face, but she was staring at the wall. I could see that she didn't want her mom's version of what happened get to me first.

"Do you mind if we step outside? Alicia really doesn't need any more stress right now."

"No, Mom, you can just talk in front of me. Besides, I told you Ray already knows," Alicia argued.

Janice stared at Alicia for a few seconds before saying, "Then you won't mind if I talk to him for a minute. He can hear your version too, but I've come all this way and I think Ray would be interested in knowing why."

"Fine. Just give us a moment of privacy first, please," Alicia retorted in a tone I had never before heard from her.

Her mom said fine, she was going to make a phone call, and she stepped out.

"What's going on?" I asked. I was sitting on the side of the bed holding Alicia's hand. She continued looking at the wall instead of at me and said, "My mom is obviously very upset and she is making a really big deal about this. I guess I can't blame her. It must have been pretty scary when the hospital called, but... I don't want her to get you all upset or paint me out to be a psycho or anything."

"This is because of your eating disorder, right?"

Alicia looked at me briefly, then away, then back at me and said, "Yes." Her eyes were full of tears. "I know she's going to tell you bad things about me, Ray. I'm scared, so scared."

"Why would your mom say bad things about you?"

Alicia paused before saying, "She's worried about me. She's pretty upset right now. Please just keep that in mind, okay?" She squeezed my hand and pleaded with urgency, "And please don't leave after you talk to her!"

"I won't," I promised. I lifted her hand to my mouth and kissed it and said, "I am so glad you are okay. That was the second worst phone call I ever got in my life."

"What was the worst?"

"To come home, that my mom was at the end. I kept thinking she was going to pull through and get better. I should have known, but I didn't."

Alicia squeezed my hand again and said, "I'm going to be okay. I promise." And then I heard Janice clear her throat, so I stood and kissed Alicia on the cheek and walked out of the room. Janice asked if we could go down to the cafeteria because she wanted coffee and I agreed.

We both got coffee and sat down at a table. Janice looked to be around fifty and I could see how attractive she was. She had Alicia's coloring, and a little upturned nose and bouncy hairdo that made her look more cutesy than pretty. But tonight she wore a pained expression with a down turned mouth and her eyes looked like she had been crying instead of sleeping. I too wished I was meeting her under better circumstances.

"So, Alicia told you about her bulimia?" I nodded and she went on, "But I am confident she downplayed it and it is impossible for you to know the severity of the problem." She looked at me and I didn't know what the right response was. It wasn't really a question.

I guess she took that as a sign to go on.

"I got the horrifying call yesterday that she had had a heart attack, but was told she was stable and going to be okay. I got on the first flight out here. My husband is caring for our other daughters, but he will fly out next weekend and then I'll fly home."

"Why did she have a heart attack?" I injected.

"Electrolyte imbalance, low potassium, the stress probably didn't help, but the cardiologist said the low potassium was the main factor and was directly caused by dehydration and excessive vomiting. Alicia is right when she says it was a mild heart attack, but her making light of this situation just infuriates me. It is an indication of how sick she still is."

I didn't argue with that, I knew she was right. I put my head in my hands and rubbed my forehead, feeling really stressed and depressed.

"This must be hard on you, Ray. I'm sorry. You're new to this and I've been dealing with it for many years. That is why I may seem harsh. I'm really frustrated and scared for my daughter." Her voice sounded normal and steady but tears were running down her face.

I put my hand out and rested it on hers. I had no words.

She went on, "We thought she was doing okay. She told us she was, but ..." She sat silently crying and wiping her tears with those hard paper napkins.

"Can't she get help for this?" I naively asked and Janice almost snorted, "Two outpatient programs, one residential, plus years and years of therapy. I've tried things you can't even imagine. I'm really at my wits' end."

"Why does she do it?"

"That's a good question and obviously there is no simple answer, but one factor is Alicia puts too much pressure on herself that she can't maintain and then she breaks down, then she pulls herself together and repeats the cycle. We didn't want her to move out here, you know."

"I didn't know that."

"Her father and I don't put this pressure on her. She does this to herself; she always has. Even before the eating, when she was just a little girl, she used to impose all these rules on herself and we used to think it was cute and funny and call her "Little Miss Perfect" -- god, I wish we hadn't; I wish we would have seen the path she was on, and..."

"You shouldn't blame yourself. I have been reading about this recently and it sounds like you have done everything you could."

"Yes," she nodded. Then she straightened herself up and said, "Well... yes. And we are not giving up. I'll never give up on my little girl."

I removed my hand from hers and swallowed my last bit of coffee and asked, "I hope you don't mind. I want to go talk to her."

"No, go talk to her. I'm going to stay here and make a few phone calls." She wiped her face and smoothed her hair.

I walked slowly back up to Alicia's room, feeling like my legs were made of lead. I didn't know what I could possibly say to her, I just wanted to be with her. When I walked into the room she looked at me with a worried expression. I must have looked pretty beat and it occurred to me that she had seen that look on her family and other people that have cared about her. I sat on the side of the bed and tried not to look too bummed out.

"I'm sorry," she whispered in a tiny voice. "I'm really sorry to scare you and my family. I thought I was doing okay because I was using markers this time."

"Markers?"

"Corn," she said. She was twisting the sheet in her hand and kept looking at her hands then back at me. She went on in a soft voice, "I was using corn as a marker. I would eat a small healthy meal and then when I was done I would eat some corn, so then when I overate and threw up I would know when the corn came up it was time to stop and leave the healthy meal in my system."

I stared at her stunned. I felt like I was watching a tsunami bearing down on us. The sudden awareness of how deeply sick she was and how unaware she was of the danger to herself made me feel lost, swallowed up, at a total loss of control. I felt like I wanted to yell "Run!" and save her from the danger, but she was standing with her back to the tsunami unable to hear me. My frustration felt like a punch in the gut and my anxiety was so great I didn't know what to do with myself, so I stood up and walked out so she wouldn't see me cry. I walked quickly outside and did a bunch of math problems in my head and kept walking. I walked and walked and walked until my frustration finally settled down. I don't know how long I walked, but I wanted to go say goodnight to Alicia, so I headed back to the hospital.

This time is was obvious that both Alicia and her mom were crying. As soon as I walked in Janice excused herself. I sat on the bed and hugged Alicia. "You left me," she cried.

"Left you? Oh no, I didn't want you to see me upset," I explained. I really didn't want to cry in front of her.

"I don't blame you if you want to leave me, Ray."

"Well I do have to work in the morning and some nurse in the hall told me visiting hours are almost over."

"That's not what I meant. You didn't know what a handful I am. I would understand if you aren't up to this."

"What, you mean break up with you?"

Alicia nodded biting her lip and looking at me with big scared eyes.

"That thought never even crossed my mind," I answered honestly.

Alicia put her arms around me and held me really tight. "Please don't leave me," she cried into my shoulder.

I stroked her hair and folded my arms around her. "I'm not going anywhere, Alicia." I knew I was in deep. Very deep.