Suckling my mom

Then the apologies, "I'm really sorry...I understand...I was really shitty to you..."

Then the worry, "Please text me back, or better yet, call me. I came by your apartment and your neighbor said he hadn't seen you. I called Gary and Tim and they're worried too. Please let me know you're ok."

Then two weeks passed before the last one, which was just yesterday. "Tim said he thought maybe you had moved back home. I tried to get him to call your mom, but if he did, he wouldn't tell me. I don't know if you will even get this, but in case you do, I just need to say that leaving you was the biggest mistake of my life. And I would take it back if you let me."

Mom cleared her throat behind me. I looked at her and she had clearly been reading over my shoulder.

"What will you do?" she asked, and her voice sounded nervous.

I didn't answer immediately. Instead I swiped over to my voicemail and played the one message. I somehow knew it wasn't just a telemarketer.

"Hi, it's Jenn. Please listen. I called from my mom's phone so maybe you would at least listen." Hearing her voice had a much stronger effect on me than reading her texts. I didn't realize I was doing it, but my legs had drawn up under me like I was going fetal, then I felt my mom gently stroking my shoulder."

"...I know what I did was wrong. I know how I hurt you. I know the things I said were not true, and were not fair. And I know I can't take it back." She was crying now, and it was killing me.

"...but if you will forgive me, if you will give me another chance, I promise I will do better, so much better. I promise I will make it up to you. Please call me. I still love you. Please call me."

My finger hovered over the replay button, before moving over to the trash can. I deleted the message.

"I need to say something to her," I said.

"Yes, I think you do."

"But, what about, you know. What about us?"

My mother walked around the couch to me and sat beside me. You don't have to choose between us. I will always be here for you. I will always give you whatever you need, whatever you want. But if you need her too, then I'll help you get her back."

"That doesn't seem fair to you," I said.

She smiled and stroked my hair, "It's not about me. It never was."

"You made me stronger," I said. "You saved my life."

"So do what you want with it!"

I opened the chat with Jenn, and texted, "I had to get away. Thanks for understanding. I got all your messages. I'm sorry too. I'm sorry it didn't work out. I truly wish you all the best. But I just can't trust you to be a part of my life again. And you know how painful this is for me. So please let me move on."

I hit "Send" and my mom swept me into her arms to comfort me. I didn't cry. I was finally done with that. All I could think about was the woman who was holding me, whose love I would never have to doubt, who promised me everything I needed and wanted, knowing I would do the same for her.

Mom leaned back and held my shoulders, looked me in the eyes and gave me a gentle smile. "You deserve a treat. I have to ask, was there ever anything you wanted from her that she wouldn't give you?"

I smiled too. "Well, she wouldn't do anal."

Mom laughed out loud. Then she tilted her head to one side with a "sure, why not" look on her face.

"I think we should start sleeping in MY bed. Meet me upstairs in half an hour. I have a few things to take care of."

And she giggled with excitement as she stood up and virtually ran up the stairs.