Sugar Heart Ch. 02

I gave another distracted nod. I was so out of it at this point I probably would have handed over my wallet and keys to a crack-addled drifter if he'd asked. I shut my eyes for a few more minutes as Buddy sorted through my papers and typed out an email on his phone.

"Richard, can I get your mobile number for Bernie?" he asked.

I mumbled out my number and sipped slowly at my coffee.

"Thank you--we're all squared away now. Everything's arranged, so don't worry about your car another minute. You'll get a call from Bernie tomorrow about the repair. Once the tow truck's come and gone, I'll drive you home. Or are you going to work?"

I shook my head gently. "Got fired today."

Buddy sucked in a breath through his teeth. "Ohhh... poor guy. You really have had a tough week, haven't you?" He reached out and squeezed my shoulder. "Let's not worry about that right now either, okay? New subject. Movies--how about movies? Seen anything good lately?"

I blinked a few times. I couldn't seem to recall anything before yesterday, so I named the only movie I could think of: "Edward Scissorhands."

"I love that one!" Buddy exclaimed. "Quintessential Tim Burton, hey? So good!"

"Johnny Depp," I whispered.

"Yes, he's quite... something," Buddy chuckled.

He kept me talking for a few minutes about Tim Burton and Johnny Depp films, and then it occurred to me all at once how strange this whole situation was. "Hey--how did you know my name?"

Buddy's eyebrows went up. He stared at me as if waiting for the punchline of a joke. "Are you... r-really that oblivious?"

I gaped at him in confusion. The only thing I could think of right now that remotely made sense was that Buddy was somehow my guardian angel. "Sorry... what am I missing?"

He bit his lip for a few moments, and lowered his head, chuckling bashfully. "Oh... look at your c-coffee cup."

I frowned and looked at my cup, rotating it in my hands until I found my name, written in block letters tidy enough to impress a kindergarten teacher. The "i" was dotted with a little heart. My brain simply wasn't functioning. I couldn't comprehend this. I didn't remember telling him my name. In fact, now that I thought of it, he'd been writing on the cup before I'd even told him my order.

In a fit of curiosity, I reached into my backseat to retrieve yesterday's cup, squinting at it in the dark--same neat printing--"Richard", with a heart over the "i". The floor behind my seat was littered with empty coffee cups--I grabbed a few more. Almost all of them had my name on them in the same hand, some with hearts, some with smiley faces, some with tiny stars.

"Huh-how long have you been c-coming here?" he stammered.

I paused for several moments. "Long time...?"

"Yeah. Long time."

I finally put it together. Buddy had been serving me coffee for months, at minimum. He knew my name, he knew my standard order, had obviously been watching me closely, tried to be at the register whenever he saw me walk in, and I had never noticed him before.

His jaw opened and shut, mouth twitching as he struggled to form syllables. His hands also twitched, forming odd gestures, as if they were trying to help him speak. "I... think... t-today was the f-fffirst day you, uh... actually... looked at me." He smiled sheepishly down at his lap.

Warm tingles traveled up and down my spine and through my extremities. Buddy had a crush on me. A boy--a boy had a crush on me! My heart started racing again. I stared at him until he looked back at me. During the few seconds that another vehicle's headlights swept across my car, his blushing, freckled face was illuminated. Why was I suddenly reminded of Johnny Depp, and this morning's shower jerk-off session?

His mouth--Buddy had that same sweet, innocent, almost doll-like mouth.

"That's the tow truck!" he blurted out, and suddenly stepped out of the car, slamming the door shut behind him.

By the time my car had been hooked up to the truck and was leaving the parking lot, I was beginning to feel disconnected and overwhelmed all over again. Standing in a parking lot in the dark with my car being dragged off somewhere I didn't even know filled me with insecurity. I chugged my coffee. Buddy shuffled close to me and touched my arm for a moment.

"Let's g-g-get you home," he ventured. "As long as... you don't, uh... mind me d-driving you...?"

I looked down at him. He was really quite short, and so skinny. His freckles gave him a boyish look, and his out-of-control reddish hair and snub nose made him look a little like Peter Pan. He was about the most non-threatening guy I'd ever seen. And that stutter....

"I'd appreciate it," I said hoarsely.

He nodded and looked coy for a few moments, pointing across the parking lot to a little blue hatchback in the distance, sitting in the solitary beam of a streetlight. "Th-that's me." He started walking, glancing back to make sure I followed.

Once I'd given directions to my building and he began driving, we were both quiet. Buddy was a very cautious driver, and the trip was tranquil. I sipped my coffee. He plugged his phone into the stereo system and played some music, a random assortment of mellow, eclectic stuff that mostly just drifted past me, but was subconsciously calming.

"Are we g-getting close?" he asked as he turned onto my street.

"That's my building," I said, pointing at a high rise a couple blocks down. "There isn't really any visitor parking, so just find a spot anywhere on the street."

He nodded and turned up the stereo as a new song came on. "Ohh. D-do you like... Macklemore?"

"Rap is garbage," I mumbled, sipping my coffee.

"Usually agree... but... I mean... c-come on--'Same Love', right?" He exhaled tremulously.

"Don't know it."

He looked over at me with surprise. "Ohh. Y-you've been living under a rock! Listen." He turned up the volume even more and scanned the street for free spaces.

My jaw hung slightly open as I listened to the lyrics. They caught me completely off guard. I could barely breathe as Mary Lambert's heartfelt chorus washed over me. The words echoed through my head.

~And I can't change... Even if I tried... Even if I wanted to....~

I set my coffee in a cupholder and pressed both hands against my mouth. I was right back at my conversation with my parents, trying futilely to explain myself to them and coming up against a brick wall. My throat burned, and my eyes pricked.

Buddy pulled into a parking spot on the same block as my building. As soon as the car was stopped I tore off my seatbelt and reached for the door handle, but Buddy grabbed my arm and pulled me back. I covered my face with my hands and shook all over, finally fully overwhelmed by the emotions that had been tearing me apart the past couple of days. I sobbed loudly, instantly embarrassed about it. I was fairly certain I hadn't cried since I was about twelve years old, but that damned beautiful song had wrenched open a floodgate, and there was no stopping what had been stored up behind it.

"Let it out," Buddy said softly, squeezing my arm. "It's okay. Just let it all out. You're safe."

I doubled over, weeping, sniffling noisily. I wept like a little kid, lost and afraid. Large tears escaped between my fingers. When the song ended, Buddy finally turned off the engine.

"C'mere--it's okay," he whispered, tugging on my shoulder. I let him pull me, and soon I was sobbing on his narrow shoulder while he wrapped his arms around me, hugging me tightly. I cried through all the embarrassment and the hurt, all the guilt and fear and hopelessness.

"Everyone needs a good cry," Buddy whispered into my ear and rocked me back and forth a little. "It's therapeutic--you need this right now. It just makes you human. Let it all out. You're going to be okay. Things'll get better. I promise. You're probably feeling like you've hit bottom... but that's always when things start to turn up again. You'll be fine, Richard--you'll be stronger for all this. I promise."

I listened to his words and absorbed them. I let it all out. I sobbed steadily for some time, thoroughly wetting his polo shirt, which he didn't seem to mind in the slightest. In fact, the back of my neck felt a little damp, and I wondered if he was quietly crying along with me. He breathed deeply as I began to calm at last. I could feel the swelling of his thin chest, and I naturally breathed along with him. Twice in a row Buddy the coffee boy had patiently and effectively guided me through emotional breakdowns and coaxed me back to sanity, and I still barely even knew who he was.

I slowly peeled myself off of him and forced myself into an upright position, wiping off my face with my sleeves. What the hell had happened to my evening? Was all this real?

Buddy quietly stepped out of his car and came around to my side, opening the door for me. He picked up my coffee and stood aside to allow me to stand. The night air was refreshing. I breathed deeply and stared up at the stars. Buddy closed and locked his car.

"Come on," he said gently. "This is your building, right?"

I nodded and started to shuffle up to the front door. I wavered a little as if I were tipsy, and Buddy hooked an arm around my waist. I let my arm drape across his shoulders, and I leaned on him a little as we went in.

The elevator had been repaired. It was a quick ride up to the sixth floor, and I showed him into my apartment. I didn't question his continued presence. He stayed with me, and it seemed natural. He guided me to the couch, sat me down, wrapped a throw blanket around my shoulders, and placed my coffee cup in my hands.

"You j-just relax," he said, and disappeared into my kitchenette.

I wasn't sure if I'd fallen asleep or just been really out of it for a while, but the next thing I was aware of was Buddy sitting down next to me and offering me a plate, which was piled with heart-shaped sugar cookies. This occurrence seemed like an impossibility.

"Am I dreaming?" I mumbled, blinking sleepily at the plate as I set down my empty coffee cup.

"No, Richard. I... I made you... cookies."

I picked one of them up and stared at it. The shape was a bit lopsided. I still wondered if I was dreaming.

"S-sorry they're... kinda, um... s-sloppy. I... cut them by... h-hhhand. I know it's... stupid." He gave a short chuckle.

I continued to stare at the cookie. "How long have you been here?"

"Umm... hour and a half m-maybe? S-sssorry if I'm... imp-p-posing. I wanted you to... have cookies. I just... l-looked around your k-k-kitchen and... found what I needed."

I wasn't even aware I had the ingredients for cookies. I took a bite. It was delicious, and still warm. I looked over at Buddy. He was warm, too--the only warmth I'd had in my life recently. A stranger who served me coffee, whom I'd ignored consistently. I hadn't even thanked him for anything he'd done for me. "Those cookies you gave me yesterday," I said softly, "they... got me through the worst night of my life."

He smiled hesitantly.

"Then things got even worse," I continued slowly, feeling as if I were barely grasping at words. "Tonight... man." I paused, shaking my head. I ate the remainder of the cookie, and helped myself to a second. "I don't even know how to say thanks. I'm still not sure if you're even real... but... I want you to know... I'm pretty sure you saved my life."

Buddy's eyes widened. He set the cookie plate on my coffee table and returned his attention to me. "I... I... can I... hhhhug you?"

I rotated my body to face him and nodded. He leaned in and wrapped his arms around my neck, pressing his compact body against mine. I gathered him into my arms, feeling the thudding of both of our hearts between us. He felt so small and fragile, but he was by far the strong one. He was my hero. I dared to hold him a little tighter, and he squeezed me in turn.

"Thank you," I whispered. "Thank you."

"You needed someone," he whispered back. "I was... just... there."

"You've been there a long time, and I never noticed. I'm sorry I'm such a moron. I fail at everything."

"D-don't say that, Richard. For one thing... y-y-you're a really... really good hugger."

I smiled a little and continued to hold him. I began to wonder if this was eventually going to get weird, but it felt perfect. I could have stayed in this hug all night. "You too, Buddy."

I felt him quake a little. "Y-y-you've never said my name before."

"Buddy," I repeated, smiling wider.

He shivered again. I felt him relax against me, his forehead tucked into the crook of my neck. The hug had transitioned into a cuddle, and I was loving it.

"Richard... I... I'm s-sorry if I've... imposed," he said after a long pause. "I've been inc-credibly presumptuous tonight... and... I've invited mys-self over to your... place... and everything." He sighed. "I... I wanted t-to help you. I guess I... have. Now I... I'm afraid I'm just... t-taking advantage."

"No!" I replied firmly. Cautiously I started running my hands up and down his back. "I meant it when I said you saved my life. If you hadn't presumed, I doubt anyone else would have. I lost my parents, my friends... I have no one. There's no one that would have been checking up on me. I don't want to impose either, but... I really need someone right now. I'm really glad you're here."

He sighed again and rested a hand on my chest. "I'm g-glad to h-h-hhhear you say that... b-b-but I mean, you're... em-motionally... in a s-state of upheaval, and... you're vulnerable, and... you know... I really don't want to... t-t-take... 'advantage'... if you... know what I mean...?" He breathed hard against my neck and scrunched the fabric of my shirt in one of his fists. His other hand lightly stroked the back of my neck.

"Oh..." I whispered with a little shiver, remembering all of the coffee cups, the "i" in my name dotted with tiny hearts, the cookies. I looked down at the fresh ones. Little crooked sugar cookie hearts he made meticulously for me from scratch, just because I'd wanted some at the coffee shop. "Buddy... I think I'd like to be taken advantage of for once. By you... only by you. You're... my saviour. You've earned more trust from me in a couple of hours than anyone else has my entire life." I swallowed with some difficulty. It was still so hard to flirt. I took a deep breath. "You're also... really... really... cute."

He lifted his head and looked at me squarely. I still couldn't tell if his eyes were blue, green, or grey. His mouth twitched into a shaky smile, and then struggled to form shapes of words. His hands made strange but fascinating gestures. "R... R...Richard. Um. I'd like to... uh... k... k-k-k..."

I couldn't wait for him to stammer out the word. I leaned down and tasted his mouth, softly. Sugar; butter. He tasted like a cookie. He rose up to meet me, his lips parting a little. I tilted my head, deepening the kiss. My hands slid up his back, feeling all of his ribs. I combed my fingers through his unruly hair. It was so, so soft. I heard him sigh gently, his breath tickling over my cheek. We were locked together in that moment, just the two of us, floating in a bubble of warmth and perfect safety, high above that cold, cruel outside world.

I felt the gentlest touch of his warm, wet tongue against my lip, and it sent a searing bolt of lust through me, from my mouth straight down into my testicles. I sucked in a sharp breath and my hands clamped down on his hair in desperate handfuls. He grunted and tensed; I released him, feeling immediately regretful of my reaction, and he drew back a little. We both panted.

"S... s...." His mouth twitched and groped for the word. "S... ssssorry!"

I shook my head. "No... no, I'm sorry!" I breathed. I watched him intently for some clue as to what he was thinking or feeling. Had I scared him? Had I hurt him? Did he regret the kiss? My gaze travelled downward. I was completely unable to stop myself--I looked down at his crotch. I spotted a telltale silhouette formed by the fabric of his pants--not large, but certainly something. I could not tear my gaze away. That bulge. Sweet little Buddy... aroused.

He saw what I was looking at and grabbed the nearest pillow, pressing it into his lap. His freckled cheeks burned a deep shade of crimson; he turned his body away. "S... s... s...."

"Don't be sorry," I said quickly. I felt dizzy, breathless, and unbalanced, but in all the best ways. I also had a raging boner, almost painful in its intensity. "Buddy. Buddy?" I waited until he turned to look at me timidly, and then I adjusted my pants slightly, leaving no question as to the size and shape of what was lying beneath the two layers of fabric, squeezed hotly against my thigh. He gasped and turned away again. Feeling suddenly rather pervy, I swallowed with difficulty and grabbed the blanket I'd been wrapped in earlier, wadding it in my lap. I carefully regulated my breathing, as if Buddy were guiding me.

Just when the silence was becoming truly excruciating, the couple in the next apartment started up. For about half a minute we sat immobile next to one another, staring blankly across the room to the accompaniment of frantically squeaking bedsprings. Then the girl moaned, groaned, and cried out several breathless affirmatives, while her boyfriend grunted repeatedly and aggressively.

Buddy made a small, nonspecific noise. I turned to look at him and realized he was holding back a laugh. Immediately overcome by the humour in the situation, I sputtered noisily and clapped a hand over my mouth. He finally looked my way, and we both erupted in boisterous laughter.

"Oh... that's... huh-horrible!" he guffawed.

"I know!" I exclaimed, doubling over. "He sounds like a Neanderthal clubbing a dying mammoth!"

Buddy threw himself back on the couch and kicked his legs in the air in an uncontrollable fit of hilarity. He laughed until tears rolled down his face, and it was all I could do to keep myself from pouncing on him and squeezing him again.

Eventually we both quieted. Buddy shifted over and leaned against me, resting his head on my shoulder.

"I... really liked... k-k-kissing you," he said softly.

I carefully placed my arm around him. "Me too. A lot. I actually... it was my first... I mean, I'd never kissed a boy before."

He stopped breathing for a few moments. "You never... really...?"

"Really."

He swallowed audibly. "Ever done... anything... with a boy...?"

"Nope," I admitted. "I know... lame."

"Th-that was my... first kiss... ever," he stammered, and then blurted out, "I'm a virgin!"

"So am I!" I exclaimed.

He sat up and looked at me with an animated expression of delighted discovery. "Oh thank heaven!"

"Oh man--I'm not the only one!" I laughed out of pure relief and lightly grasped his shoulder. He took the hint and leaned in, hugging me tightly, but with our hips carefully apart.

"I... c-can hardly believe you've never.... I mean, you're... so hot!"

I chuckled and felt my cheeks warming. "Thanks...!"

"And y-y-you were always so... popular. Yunno... football st-star... and everything...."

I pulled back from the hug, shocked. "What--? How did you even know I played football?"

Buddy bit his lip and cringed visibly. He fidgeted and searched for words. "W...." He stopped, swallowed, and drew his mouth into the shape of the letter again. "W.... W-wwwe went to... the same s-ssschool."

My jaw hung open. Was I really this stupid? Could I really have been such a colossal idiot as to not only overlook Buddy at the coffee shop all year long, but also utterly miss his presence at my own high school? "I'm so... so... sorry," I gasped, having no other response. It broke my heart to think of him crushing on me for years, and going completely unnoticed. "I had no idea my head was so far up my own ass!"

He gave a tiny smile. "It-it's okay... really," he said quietly. "I... made a p-p-p-point of... being inv-visible. A-and... I was... a grade behind you."