Surefoot 45: Sreenity

If you don't give me Fluttertail

You're out the fucking door!

I just wanna fuck hard!

I just wanna fuck long!

I just wanna fuck loud!

I just wanna fuck strong!"

Hrelle's heart was racing. This was not his daughter! This creature had sworn more in the last minute than his little girl had done her whole life! She was under some sort of influence, he decided. Drugs, alcohol, telepathy, Nanites. Or she was a hologram, an android, a shapeshifter, a Mirror Universe counterpart-

She grabbed her crotch as she avowed, in a mock sympathetic croon,

"But if I'm too much for you baby

Tell me if it's true

I'll be all understanding...

But I'll fuck your sister too!"

Someone next to Hrelle caught his attention, and he looked to see a male closer to his age than the cubs around them, staring up at Sreen with undisguised lust. He caught Hrelle looking at him and nodded, barely audible over the music. "She's Nova, isn't she? I'd like to get her bent over-"

Hrelle bared his teeth, growling loudly. "I'm her father!"

Seemingly oblivious to Hrelle's rage, the other male chuckled and confessed, "Yeah, I'd like to hear her call me Daddy too-"

He never finished, as Hrelle's fist connected with the male's jaw, sending him into neighbouring dancers. Then Hrelle himself was attacked from behind, by the doorman and two of his friends. Hrelle fought back -- it had been a few years since he had to exercise his combat skills, but they returned, even if the strength of his youth hadn't -- as he sent down one attacker, and dodged a punch from the second before driving a kick into the third.

He bared his claws... just as the music stopped, and Sreen's voice filled the air with, "DAD! WHAT THE FUCK?"

*

The street outside the club was cooler. Not that this had an effect on Sreen's temper. "Dad, what are you doing here? How did you find me? Why did you punch the club manager?"

He remained aching from the fight, embarrassed at having this argument with his daughter in front of a bunch of drunken young cubs, and angry at letting her dominate it. "He was being rude about you-"

"What did he say? That he wanted to fuck me? I knew that already! He's had an erection for me since we first auditioned for a gig here! So fucking what? He wouldn't have the balls to do anything about it anyway!"

His jaw dropped. "How can you talk this way? And how can you quit school? You threw away years of study-"

"I didn't quit, Dad! I'm taking a break to focus on the band!"

"Focus on what? Swearing, grabbing your crotch, boasting about sex-"

"Oh, and I bet your old pal Bowie never did anything like that, did he?"

"He's not my little girl! You are! And why did you cut your mane? Why would you do that? It was beautiful!"

"Is that what you want to talk about now?"

"No! I want to talk about you doing all of this, and without telling me anything! You lied to me!"

"Yes! Yes, I did! Because I wanted to avoid a scene like this!"

"Yeah? Well, we can see how that turned out, can't we?"

Rage grew on Sreen's face. "You know, you wouldn't be behaving like this if it had been Misha up there on stage tonight! Or Sasha! You wouldn't dare argue over what they wanted to do with their lives! They'd have your full support!"

"But you're not like them! You're different!"

"Yeah? No Shit, Dad! I've known I'm different since I first had to have this fitted on me just to crawl around!" She held up her right arm, displaying the thin mesh of the exoframe extending up along her forearm to her hand. "I've always felt different! Held back! Pitied, or looked down on as some poor little Lagger!"

"Don't use that word! It's offensive!"

"Again, I say No Shit, Dad! You think I never heard it applied to me before? But I don't get any of that when I'm up onstage. Up there, I'm powerful! People love us! We've got gigs in other cities coming up! And an album deal! And I even get fan mail, from fellow Neurodystraxics! They look up to me, someone who doesn't hide what she is, or let anyone stop her from doing what she wants! Isn't that what you and Mom taught me?"

"Don't you bring your Mother into this! When I tell her what you've done-"

"MOM'S DEAD!"

Hrelle stepped back as if struck.

Sreen's face was contorted in pain and anguish as she continued. "She's been dead for two years! But you won't let her go! You just stay in your study and talk to her fucking hologram, acting like she's calling you long distance!"

Hrelle's heart stopped. No. No, she couldn't know. "That's- That's not true-"

"It is true, you fucking lunatic! Everyone knows it! Sasha, Misha, Uncle Weynik! And it's pathetic! You sit in there stroking yourself off to some old program! The image of a dead woman! You sad, pitiable old bastard-"

He bared his teeth and claws at her and roared.

Sreen stepped back, fear in her eyes.

Immediately, Hrelle knew he had gone too far, and shifted gears. "Sreen- I'm sorry, I didn't mean-" He reached for her.

She drew back. "Stay away from me! I hate you! I'm moving out! I'll send for my things later!" Then she turned and stormed through the crowds.

"No! Sreen, please! I'm sorry! I didn't mean anything I said!"

He started after her, but then felt hands grab him. "Hold it, Sir!"

He turned, teeth and claws bared now to fight again... too late realising it wasn't the club bouncers, but the local police, immediately responding to his aggression with an ultrasonic pulse from a handheld Yap, one designed by Caitians for Caitians. Hrelle dropped to his knees, no longer resisting as the police cuffed his wrists behind him.

Sreen... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry...

*

They released him without charge, once he was identified and he offered the bare bones of his reason for being there causing trouble. Then he was back in the clan's autocar returning home, his head still ringing from the Yap, leaving him numbed.

For which he was distantly grateful. He didn't want to feel. He didn't want to think.

He didn't want to be alive.

A cool sea breeze caressed him as he crossed the path to the darkened house. Blankly he asked, "Uatu, where's Captain Mrorr? She'll need to be taken home."

"Captain Mrorr is in your study, Sir, speaking with Captain Hrelle."

He stopped at the doorway, his heart triphammering as he raced inside, panicking. "WHAT? Why did you let her in there?"

"Captain Hrelle called asking for you, I explained you were on your way home and that Captain Mrorr was supervising the cubs, and she wished to speak with her-"

He was confused. Kami called? That wasn't possible-

He understood too late as he burst into his study, seeing Mrorr standing there, facing the isomorphic projection of- "Sasha!"

Captain Sasha Hrelle, Commanding Officer of the USS Surefoot-B, turned to look at him: she seemed taller, more full-framed with reaching her forties, her strawberry blonde hair ponytailed behind her, her freckles reduced, but her expression was so like her mother. "Dad."

And it was with that one word, that one look, that she let him know that, somehow, she knew. Everything.

Sasha turned back to Mrorr. "It was a pleasure to talk with you, Captain. I hope we get to do so again in the future. Would you excuse us, please?"

"Of course, Captain." The female turned, a wealth of emotion on her face, too.

She knew something as well. Mother's Cubs... He said, "Thank you for coming over, Captain. You can use one of the autocars to go home. Good night."

Mrorr looked ready to respond, but instead nodded and departed.

Then he was alone with Sasha's image again... and for the first time, Hrelle didn't know how to respond to his daughter. "Sasha- I-"

She raised a hand to cut him off. "First things first: where's my hug?" She held out her arms. "What? No Papa Cat Love for his Runt of the Litter?"

He rushed up and hugged the projection, gripping it with all his might, and feeling it hug back with equal ferocity.

He wanted to hold onto her forever.

And he wanted to not look into her eyes again.

But then she drew back, breathing out hard. "These projections really deliver on the tactile responses, don't they? I'm glad Rrori's onboard with me, or I'd have to see how far these interfaces work. And my son? He's not causing any trouble?"

Hrelle breathed in, composing himself. "Shalom is an angel, like you were at his age."

"Hmph, I'll bet."

"Shall I go wake him, get him to-"

Sasha straightened. "No; my communication time is limited, even for a family emergency, so I'll cut to the chase. I've been communicating with several parties over the last few weeks: Misha, Sreen, Weynik, T'Varik, Uatu-"

"About me?" he snapped, feeling his skin heat up under his fur.

"Yes."

"You missed out on talking to the grandcubs. They see and hear alot."

"No, I've been asking them, too."

"What business is it of y-"

But she raised an angry finger to cut him off. "Don't you dare finish that, Esek. Apart from my being your daughter, I'm the Matriarch of our clan, so the welfare of its members is my business. Even here at the Andromeda Gate, fighting giant creatures with a hundred tentacles.

You remember when I inherited this responsibility, don't you? With the passing of the previous Matriarch?"

"Sasha, don't-"

Her expression was one of profound sympathy... but it wasn't enough to deter her from what she had to say. "The rest of us can only guess at how much Kami's death struck you. We all suffered and mourned... and we moved on. We thought you had too."

"I have-"

"Then explain the Emergency Counseling Hologram you retrieved from Starfleet R & D. The one Kami worked on two months before she died, having her brain engrams copied."

Hrelle started, feeling like a cub caught raiding the kitchen at midnight by his mother. He wanted to leave. He wanted to switch off the communications. He wanted...

He wanted to tell the truth for once. "You don't understand... I was lost without her... I had relied on her for over twenty five years, as a Counselor and a wife! And the program had so many of her memories, her personality, her nuances- and most of all, she knew her own children, and me, better than any other Counselor assigned to me after her! It made sense!"

She considered his response, and finally nodded. "But then the Kami Program was too accurate. Not just in how it responded to you, but in how it saw how much you were depending on it for emotional support. It tried to counsel you to turn it off, to complete your mourning, and move on. You should have listened to it.

Instead, you had it reprogrammed, to not realise it was a hologram, but instead believe it was the real Kami, away on a mission. You could then call on her whenever you wanted advice on Sreen, Misha, the grandcubs, work. Any subject... but yourself."

He stared hard... unable to deny any of it. It was all so eerily accurate: almost a year had passed since Kami's death, when a chance memo about the Holographic Counselor Project crossed his path. He had almost refused to access it. How would he react to seeing a simulacrum of his wife of twenty years, standing before him?

But he still tried it, because the chance to interact with even a reproduction of her was too much to resist. And he could use it to finally say goodbye to her, and move on.

Except he didn't.

Every time he brought up her program, he told himself This Was It. He would end this.

Except he didn't.

It was harmless, he told himself. A bit of fun, like looking at old family albums or home vivid. He could stop this at any time.

Except he didn't.

And when even the Kami Program recognised that this relationship they had was harmful, and became more vocal in her objections, Hrelle called in a favour with a local Starfleet programmer to... adjust her. Just a little.

"Thank you," she finally said. "For not lying about it."

He looked up at her, feeling as low and pathetic as he ever could be. "How did you work all that out?"

"I know you never believed that this was the real Kami. But you became so comfortable with this arrangement that sometimes you let it slip to family and friends. The first few times, it was put down to you speaking romantically, poetically. Then the Caitians around you started wondering why your scent was reverting to mark you as Unavailable, the way it did when Kami was still alive; your own body was instinctively acting as if you still had a living partner.

The rest was confirmed tonight, when I asked my Chief Engineer to remote access Uata and the house systems and run diagnostics on the holoprogram he found. Jonas sends his regards, by the way. And his apologies."

He nodded distantly, unable to meet her gaze any longer, as if weighed down by the tears in his eyes. "Your sister was right. I am pathetic. A pathetic old cat. Foolish. Cowardly-"

Now Sasha drew up to him, her own eyes welling with tears as she held him again, whispering, "Sreen said things out of anger; we all have. You are not pathetic, and you are certainly not cowardly. You are the bravest man I have ever known. My brave, wonderful father, who saves children from monsters, and whom I love so, so much." She tightened her hold on him... but then whispered, "Will you do something brave for me now?"

She pulled back, reaching up to draw his tears away from his muzzle. "When this transmission ends, will you call up the Kami Program?"

He frowned, confused. "You... want me to do that? You think that's brave?"

"Jonas has removed the additional programming you had installed... and she will be aware that she's a hologram again, and aware of what you did; if she's anything like the real Kami was, I think you're going to need bravery to face her. Call up the program... and take whatever advice she gives." She looked away at something at her end, then turned back to him. "My link is about to terminate. We'll talk again in a couple of days." She hugged him again. "Promise me you'll do that. Promise your daughter... and your Matriarch."

Hrelle hugged back, quickly adding, as the transmission began to shut down. "I promise."

Sasha's projection vanished, leaving him holding air.

He dropped his arms, leaned against his desk, contemplating pouring himself a whiskey, to- no. No, he didn't deserve whatever false comfort or support or strength alcohol gave him.

So, what are you gonna do, Esek? he asked himself. Your own daughter, whose runny nose you used to wipe, is wiser than you. So listen to your Matriarch... "Computer: activate Program Kami One."

She appeared before him... and he immediately saw from her expression that Sasha's warning about the changes Jonas made to the programming were true. He swallowed, knowing instinctively that it was not his real wife, but still reacting otherwise. "Kami, I-"

She strode up to him and smacked him hard across the snout.

Pain rang through his head, and he tasted blood, but he stood his ground, knowing he deserved it, and a whole lot more.

Tight fury made her body shake and her tail swish madly behind her. "Tell me, Esek, if the real Kami was trying to give you advice you didn't want to hear, how would you have shut her up? Would you have altered her memories telepathically? Drugged her? Locked her up? Or would you have simply smacked her in the mouth like I just did with you? What would be your preferred method of spousal abuse, you bastard?"

He swallowed, as stung by her words as by her actions. "I- I would never abuse the real-"

"No? You did it to me, and you were happy to treat me like the real Kami. You were happy to talk, and to take my advice about other things besides yourself, and to banter and to flirt, and I'll bet if the isomorphic projection technology was sophisticated enough, we'd have gotten up to some shenanigans on your desk here!"

He shook his head. "N-No- please-"

But she continued, baring her teeth. "You could have tweaked my program even further, made me look young, and fit, and constantly in Season, on all fours, naked and panting for you to take me roughly from behind-"

"No! I don't want that! I never wanted that!"

"No? Then what do you want, Esek? Tell me! WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"I WANT YOU TO BE ALIVE!" he sobbed, unable and unwilling to hold back any longer. "I WANT YOU TO BE HERE! WE PROMISED EACH OTHER THAT WE'D GROW OLD TOGETHER! THAT WE'D LIVE TOGETHER, AND RAISE OUR CHILDREN TOGETHER! THAT WE'D NEVER LEAVE EACH OTHER! WE PROMISED WE- WE PROMISED..."

He sank to his knees, hands tightening into fists so much his claws drew blood from his palms, tears pouring from him. "Y-You weren't supposed to die out there! In some stupid accident! Alone! Without me!"

He looked up at the program, barely able to see through his own tears. "I miss you, Kami... I miss you so much... I miss your scent, I miss your purr and your warmth and your fur and your voice and your laugh and how you fit so perfectly against me when we held each other...

I miss making love with you...

I miss holding hands with you as we walked...

I miss my wife...

I miss my best friend...

I miss you so much... so much..."

The rest of his words dissolved into incoherent sobs.

Distantly he felt the program join him on the floor and hold him.

And distantly he heard her murmur softly, "And speaking for the real Kami... I miss you too, Esek.

We've both been here before, with the deaths of our first partners: Mirow's father, Rmorra, and Sasha's mother, Hannah.

You thought you'd moved on. You had Sreen to watch over, and the grandcubs. You had a new assignment here.

But grief isn't a one-way path, Esek. We can be pulled back into any of its stages, including denial, so easily. And I know that if there had been something like this program available to me when Rmorra had been killed, I would have done what you've done. Anyone would have.

But if either of us had, we would never have moved on. We never would have found each other, and saved each other, and produced two beautiful cubs and had the years of love that had together."

She drew back, still holding onto him but looking into his eyes. "You will always love Kami. She will always be a part of your life, as Hannah was before her. You moving on will not change or diminish that.

I'm dead. You're alive. And so's everyone around you: Sasha, Shalom, Misha, Sreen-"

He started at the mention of the last name. "Seven Hells- I had a terrible fight with Sreen tonight!" He wiped the tears from his eyes. "She left college without telling me, and secretly formed this band called... the Mangy Kussiks."

Kami's image laughed.

He frowned at her response, but persisted. "They were at some club in the city, playing-"

"Was she good?"

He stared. "What difference does that make?"

"Quite a lot of difference, if she wants to be successful at it."

"Did you miss the bit where I said she dropped out of college to do this?"

"No. Was she good? She always had a lovely singing voice when she did the musicals in cubschool."

He frowned in reluctant consideration, before finally replying, "Yes, actually. Very strong voice. I only heard the one song before I caused a scene, though. It was all about... fucking."

She laughed again.

"Apparently... she likes it. A lot."

She kept laughing. "Good for her!" At his reaction, she asked, "Would you rather she sang songs about hate or death?"