Suspicion Ch. 02

I opened the envelope on the third day. I sat alone in my office after telling my secretary not to disturb me. There appeared to be about a dozen pages in the envelope. They were written in Kathy's beautiful cursive handwriting. Just seeing her hand writing gave a sudden jolt to my chest. At first, I thought about feeding those pages to the paper shredder.. But I didn't.

Slowly, with tears forming in my eyes I began to read the first page.

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My dearest loving husband,

It is my sincere wish that you read this entire letter before you make your final decision about the future of our marriage.

Since we have been unable to sit down face-to-face and discuss the situation we find ourselves in at this time, my only recourse is to write you this letter and try my best to explain everything concerning this crisis from my prospective. I know that some of what I have to say, you may find contradictory and irrational from your point of view. Still, I need at least to do my best to communicate the facts as I see them.

First and most important, I want you to know that I truly love you more today than I did the day we were married. You must believe this fact even if you doubt everything else I have to say in this letter. These past 16 years have been the best years of my life and I owe all of them to you and our wonderful children. And I truly wish to remain your wife for the rest of my life.

Second, you need to know that none of what has happened recently was any fault of yours. Your are the most wonderful husband a woman could ever ask for. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, in you or your relationship with me drove me into the arms of another man. You completely satisfied me in and out of the bedroom. What has happened was not due to any deficiency in you.

Thirdly, I have no clear explanation of the how and why things turned out the way they have. I never in my wildest dreams (or nightmares) could have envisioned a scenario which would have brought you and I to this critical junction in our lives. If what follows in this letter turns out to be disjointed or jumbled, please bear with me. It's a hard story to tell and I hope I can tell it so you can fully understand why I am in this heart-wrenching dilemma. And why I still am begging to you not to end our marriage.

My story starts out during my sophomore year at Crestview High School. I was a happy young girl who was just beginning to blossom into a lovely young woman. It was in March of that year, three months before end of the school year, that Karl Gerring transferred into Crestview. Karl's dad was a major in the US Army who was sent to help with the training of the reserve soldiers at the local armory. The Gerring family moved into a rental house about three miles from the high school. The opposite direction from where I lived.

Karl ended up in three of my classes: English literature, trigonometry, and biology. It was obvious from the first week that the school Karl had previously attended was not on par with Crestview's curriculum. Karl was having a hard time keeping up with the rest of the class.

One day, on a dare from my best girl-friend Betty, I went over to sit with Karl during lunch period. He was sitting by himself. I guess he was trying to figure out how to break into the school's student body instead of being looked on as an outsider.

Karl was a little surprised and I think somewhat happy when I asked if I could sit with him. This first lunch meeting was just an introduction. It ended up that Karl and I had lunch everyday from then on. Betty even joined us most of the time. That's when Karl told us about his dad, his mom and his little sister Jennifer. The Gerring family had moved around the country and several overseas locations in the 20 years Karl's parents were married. Such was life for the family of a career soldier.

After that first week of lunch meetings, Betty and I began to tutor Karl in the classes he was having trouble keeping up. The three of us formed a study group which helped Karl enough that he graduated to junior grade with a 3.2 average. We were all proud of his accomplishment. Yet during all that time, neither Betty nor I actually dated Karl. We were just happy to hang out together and enjoy each other's company.

That summer, between our sophomore and junior years, Karl was sent to his grandparents' ranch in Idaho. I was pretty bummed out for those three months till school started and Karl returned from Idaho. Even though Karl and I had not been on a formal date, I was beginning to have some very strong feelings for him. I even challenged Betty to see if she was becoming infatuated with Karl. But, Betty had her eyes set on a different guy in our class. Before school began in the Fall, I knew I would get Karl for my steady boy friend when he returned.

After Karl returned for the Fall semester, it was obvious something was wrong in his life. I finally got him to tell me that his father was not happy with his current assignment and was pressing his superior officers to transfer him to an active duty unit somewhere in Europe. The thought of relocating again had both Karl and his mother very upset.

Within the first month of starting back to school, Karl and I had our first date. I was on cloud nine. I had someone who I was truly falling in love with. You might think it was puppy-love or just a teenage crush, but in fact, it was more than that. As Karl and I became exclusive with one another, we found that we were emotionally compatible and that our ideals were very similar.

Even though Karl and I were steady dates, we never had sex together. There were some nights parked in his car where some very heavy petting and groping took place, but we never crossed the line. He never fingered me or asked me to touch his genitals. Both Karl and I thought sex was to be saved for marriage.

We would often sit in his car, looking at the stars and telling each other the various versions of how our life would be after we got married. Karl was adamant that he would not become an Army officer like his father. He saw the effect all the moving around from base to base had on his family's life. That was not the life he wanted for his new family. He looked forward to settling down, establishing roots in one town with one woman and a house full of kids.

The holiday season came around very fast that year, or at least it seemed that way to me. On Christmas eve, Karl gave me a friendship ring which he said was to be my pre-engagement ring. It was a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year for me. Spring came racing around as the bond between Karl and I grew stronger and stronger. I was fearful he would be sent back to his grandparents' ranch again once school let out for the summer. He told me he would fight that decision and find a summer job somewhere around town.

It was the last month of the school year when the bomb dropped. Karl's father had finally convinced his superior officers he would be able to contribute more to the Army at an active duty station. He got his transfer orders to Stuttgart Germany.

Karl came to school the next day and I immediately knew something was terribly wrong. My first thought was that his father was going to send him back to his garndparents for the summer. When Karl told me he and his family were moving to Germany by the end of June my world literally exploded. I broke down in hysterics and had to be sent to the nurse's office. I was a total wreck for the remainder of the school year. My grades plummeted. If it had not been for my previous high grades, I would never have passed on to my senior year.

All kind of thoughts raced through my mind. I even told Karl we should run away and elope. But Karl was the cooler head. He knew we were way too young to make it on our own. The day finally came when Karl's family left for the airport and their new life in Germany. Our farewell was like someone tearing my heart out while it was still beating. I was totally devastated.

It was a good thing we were out of school for the summer. My parents saw the depression I was in and managed to get me into counseling and therapy before school began in September. The therapy did help me and I continued with it through all of my senior year.

Karl and I wrote daily letters to each other. You have to remember this was the time before the Internet and email. Our letters were both loving and sorrowful. We missed each other and I firmly believe the separation was increasing our love for each other. I did not date any other guys during my senior year. In fact, I did not even attend the Senior Prom at the end of the year. I was Karl's girl and I would remain faithful to him no matter what.

Instead of chasing and dating other boys in my senior class, I concentrated all of my efforts on improving my grade point average and making a high score on my SAT test. All of that effort paid off in the form of acceptance and a scholarship to Cal Berkley. My sister Evelyn was already a student at Cal Berkley. She would be able to help me with the relocation and getting me started on campus. All of those wonderful things made me very happy. In his letters, Karl also praised my efforts and the results. Still, I didn't look forward to the summer with us still thousands of miles apart.

In August, the second bomb went off but it was not as immediate in its destructive force as the first bomb about the Gerring's move to Germany. This time the bomb came as a interruption to the stream of daily letters which Karl and I exchanged. There was an entire week where I didn't get any mail from Karl. I became very worried about Karl and I even tried to contact him by phone. That didn't work out, the phone number had been changed.

In the next letter I received from Karl, he told me his dad had been accidentally killed during a training exercise. His letter was very short and he told me he was having difficulties with his mother. He did not elaborate.

I continued sending my daily letters to Karl trying to extend my sympathy for the loss of his father and trying to give him some encouragement during those very tough times. The last letter I received from Karl told me his mother was very sick and she had been sent to a hospital. He was now trying his best to care for his younger sister and to put the family things in order. He signed his letter professing his undying love for me and stating one day we would be together.

I continued to write Karl every day even though I was not receiving any response. September found me on the campus of Cal Berkley with my sister Evelyn. I was not sure I was emotionally ready to take on the challenges of university life. All I could think of was my true love in Germany facing some extremely hard tasks and I was not there to help him. If it had not been for Evelyn helping me through those first months at the university, I'm sure I would have flunked out.

It was during the Thanksgiving holidays the first of my letters was returned to me marked "Return to Sender. Addressee unknown."

That small notice on the envelope was like a dagger through my heart. I had not gotten a letter from Karl in over a month. Now it seemed he would not be receiving any of my letters. I was a lost soul. Nothing in my life seemed to matter to me any more. I felt I could have died and not regretted leaving my empty world.

Once again it was Evelyn and her constant 'mothering' which gave me the courage to move forward. I finally had to resume my therapy. This time it was with a different therapist. Through her help and guidance I pulled myself together and once again focused all of my energy on my studies and future career. Still, something deep inside was missing. It must have been part of my soul because I felt spiritually numb and void.

After a full year of not hearing anything back from Karl, I pushed his memory to the back of my mind and essentially laid him to rest. All of his previous letters were packed in several shoe boxes and stored in the back of my closet.

As a side note, Paul. You never knew about those letters. I kept them stored away until the day you proposed marriage to me. Your love and that proposal began to heal my wounded soul. That weekend, I burned all of Karl's letters and scattered the ashes into San Francisco Bay. Karl was finally put to rest forever...or so I thought. I never told you about Karl. And I told all of my family never to mention him to you or to me, ever.

What followed after college, were 16 of the most wonderful years that a woman, a wife and a mother could ever ask for in her entire lifetime. You must believe those words, Paul. They are the absolute truth.

This next section of my explanation may sound strange and some of it absolutely absurd. There will be things in this letter that defy logic and rationality. Yet, after all the dust of my words has settled, you will find one terribly torn and bedeviled woman. A woman who has had to come face-to-face with some very serious revelations in her life.

As you know, one of my major responsibilities at Cablenex is to review and approve all subcontractors who perform work or services for Cablenex. The review process of my department focuses on the subcontractor's past and present compliance with all of the State and Federal labor laws. We do not issue work contracts to subcontractors who employ illegal immigrants or who violate the work hour laws.

Subcontractors are required to fill out a lengthy application form in order to qualify for a Cablenex contract. These applications are screened by two of my assistants and those applicants who pass the initial screening are then sent to my office for my review.

It was March 22nd when a stack of applications were placed on my desk. There were six folders for my review which I began right after lunch. The third folder I opened was the application form from the KG Construction Company. I read the summary page that Loretta, my assistant, had done as part of her initial review. Her summary comments were very favorable for KG Construction. So I began to read the details on the application form. When I got to the section of ownership of the company, it was like I was just slammed into a brick wall at 60 miles an hour.

Karl Gerring, sole owner of KG Construction company.

I don't know how long it took me to catch my breath after reading Karl's name on the application. My mind seemed to explode inside my head. Confusion reigned supreme inside my shell shocked mind. Could this person be MY Karl Gerring? Could this person be the Karl Gerring who had professed his undying love for me so many years ago?

The rest of that day was a total waste for me. I told Loretta to do some more detailed background checking on KE Construction Company and the owner, Karl Gerring. I left work early that day and came home to try and get my mind under control again. I needed you and the children around me to reinforce the loving bond we share as a family.

As hard as I tried, I could not entirely push the thought of Karl back into that dark cold dudgeon where his memory had been imprisoned for over 20 years. I remember we had a great family night with the four of us chatting and enjoying several games of Scrabble before the children went off to bed. I also remember that we did not make love that night even though I was in the mood to have you take me intimately.

The rest of the week for me was like working in a forced labor camp. I drove myself exceedingly hard to keep my focus on the daily assignments. Friday came and went with Loretta still doing her background check on KG Construction. Saturday and Sunday were totally hectic days for me, on purpose. Every small project I had postponed up to that point I jumped on with gusto. You even remarked that I must have taken a double dose of my morning vitamins. It was a Herculean task inside my mind to suppress the thoughts of Karl from overwhelming my conscious mind.

Monday morning, Loretta came in with another small stack of application folders. She told me the background check on KG Construction was on top. She left my office and closed the door behind her. I remember looking at the top folder as if it were a poisonous snake ready to strike. It took me several minutes of staring at the folder before I reached over and opened the folder.

There on the first page of the background check was all the information I needed to confirm that this Karl Gerring was in fact MY Karl Gerring. The report also indicated that he was single, divorced for eight years and living in Gilmore about 26 miles from my office.

My body went cold as the flood of suppressed memories slammed into my conscious mind like a Tsunami wave. All of those feeling which I thought were long forgotten and buried rose up and shook me to my core. It was impossible for me to think any thoughts other than thoughts of Karl and the young love we shared so briefly 20 years ago.

Once again, I turned to Evelyn for her advice and console. She knew there was a serious problem when I came to her house early in the afternoon to talk to her. She was the only living relative who knew about Karl and the relationship we shared before his father was killed in Germany. She had always been my rock and steadfast advisor. Now I needed her advice more than ever.

After telling Evelyn about my discovery, she had a very bewildering look on her face. It took her several minutes to composed her thoughts before she told me I must forget all about Karl and leave his memory rest in peace. Although it wasn't necessary, she reminded me about the fabulous life we have as a family. She told me Karl was in the past and must remain in the past if I wished to keep our family whole.

I knew she was right. I knew I had everything a woman could possible want or expect in a loving family relationship. Still, there was the nagging voice of curiosity that wouldn't shut up inside my mind.

The following week my curiosity could no longer be contained. I had Loretta set up a meeting with Mr. Karl Gerring for the following afternoon. Karl had no way of knowing who I was other than I was the final person in the approval process. He was just asked to come to Mrs. Kathy Matthews' office the next afternoon.

Despite all my efforts to control myself, my emotions were a raging inferno. What would happen during that first meeting? Would Karl remember me? Would there be any feelings left between us? I didn't sleep very well that night.

Driving to work that morning was like driving to wake. The apprehension was almost overwhelming. My conscience was in full rebellion. Every nerve in my body was frazzled.

At 2:30 there was a knock on my door and Loretta stuck her head around the door to tell me Mr. Karl Gerring was here for his 2:30 appointment. Karl stepped into my office and Loretta closed the door. There was a split second where Karl looked at me with a confused look on his face. Then he simply ask, "Kathy? Is that you, Kathy?"

I stood up from my desk on legs which seemed as if they were made of rubber. "Yes, Karl. It's me. Kathy."

Neither one of us knew what to say next. It was silence for a very long second. Then I told him to take a seat in front of my desk. I could tell Karl was is a mild state of shock at seeing me for the first time in over 20 years. He wasn't sure what he should do or say.

I asked him how he was and commented on the fact he was looking very fit and healthy. Still, he was having trouble coming to grips with the situation. I changed topics and then began to tell him about the approval process. He just sat there not saying a word as I told him his application had been approved and that he would be able to contact the Director of Installations to receive his contract assignments.

How I managed to speak to him for over 15 minutes without breaking down like a quivering bowl of Jell-O I'll never know. I just smiled politely when I was done and asked if he had any questions about the contract or the work. He just slowly shook his head 'No' but his eyes never left my face.