SWIB 05.5: Trading Up

The one thing that bothered me, my only emotion was anger. I decided I must calm myself, and act rationally.

I got a text from Betty; she had moved (presumably in) with her lover. I moved back into our place and started the cycle: sleep, work, eat, repeat. This went on, well I have no idea. When every day is exactly the same, it is difficult to count how many went by.

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You know when things pile up and you can't take any more? You hope everything is on the pile, so there is not more that can be added. Well, experience shows there is always more. The project, which had been going gangbusters hit a snag. I was pissed. My normally good team were behaving like a bunch of fuckups.

I was about to really get into them when I got called into my boss,' Terry Adams, office.

"Dan, people are having trouble taking orders from you. You're too angry. You need to divorce the bitch, reconcile, or get a cute puppy to kick. I really don't give a shit. Get a hold of yourself."

Terry and I were good friends. Not just friends, good friends. "Fuck off, Terry. Tell the others to get their shit together. And I mean it."

Terry laughed; the son of a bitch laughed in my face. "Dan, you are not seeing things clearly. I need you; the company needs you. What I want is for you to take a couple of weeks off and see a counselor for anger management. You start right now."

"You arrogant prick! You can't order me to counseling, who the fuck do you think you are?"

His look became somber, sad eyes, the smile completely gone. "You're right. I can't do that. What I can do is send you to personnel for out-processing. Your choice, right now."

"Look, Terry..."

He looked at his watch. "Counseling or out-processing, thirty seconds, starting - now."

"Terry, it hasn't come to this has it?"

"Twenty-two seconds."

I slumped. The tears came. I collapsed.

I was laying on the sofa in Terry's office. The door was closed. He and I were alone. "What happened?"

"You blew a fuse, nearly as I can tell. We were about to call the hospital, but you calmed down. In my medical opinion, having watched two seasons of Grey's Anatomy, you have been running on adrenaline and are about a quart low. You just shut down for maybe two minutes."

"I guess it's out-placement then?"

"Oh, I think we'd both like to avoid that. How about the counseling idea?"

"I can tell you, lying here, it has more appeal than it did the last time you brought it up."

"Dan, you are a great guy. A super-star, too. I'm sure I'll work for you one day. But you are consumed with anger. I have never seen anything like it. You are either poised to strike or striking out; shit, you even scare me, and I can fire your ass."

I was momentarily numb. He was right. I don't even know when Betty told me about her affair. "Terry, this is a stupid question. When did Betty spring this on me?"

"Day-after-tomorrow it will be six weeks."

"Six weeks. I wonder."

"Dan, for quite a while, you had your nose down and were working hard. People were pissed, begging your pardon, they had a life, even if you didn't. That is what started your decline. These last three or four days have been tough."

I know I had thought more than once, "Can a person be this angry?"

"I got this name, Gloria Wyndham, PhD, she is supposed to be the best. I was going to give the card to my friend but turns out you haven't shown up for a while."

I just nodded. He called her office from his speaker phone. Terry's description of my anger and brief little visit to la-la-land got Dr. Wyndham to the phone and led to an appointment two days later.

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We introduced ourselves. She told me she preferred to be called Dr. Wyndham, these sessions were likely to be tough and she thought it was easier to keep a professional separation that way. She offered to call me Mr. Collins, for the same reason, but that made me uncomfortable. "Dan" made me feel like she was on my side.

She asked me about the situation. Then she wanted to know how I felt. I told her I was angry. Furious.

She straightened herself, and looked directly in my eyes, like she was going to lay something big on me, "Dan, anger is almost always a secondary emotion."

"Okay? If you want to discuss secondary circuits, I can go on for a while. Secondary emotions will take prompting." I scowled.

She laughed. Why do people think what I say is funny - I'm pissed. "That prompt must have been just about right."

I was trying to decide whether that called for a response.

She continued, "Your situation is something like this. You got news which put you on your ear. You are unable to talk with anyone about it because they will not affirm your feelings - so you get angry. All the emotion you had from that first contact are still there, you haven't addressed them, and your anger is all you feel."

Did you ever understand something and not comprehend it? I don't know how else to describe what I felt. Something was "laying under" my anger and to be well, I had to address it. Okay, I get it. To me, that means getting rid of the anger and dealing with what is left. She said, that was not likely to work. We had to get rid of what lies beneath, and the anger would disappear.

I am an engineer. My computer has seized up. Don't look for a way to fix that - do some gardening and you'll feel better. I'd have told her to piss up a rope and gone home, but since seeing her was conditional to my working and thus keeping my home, I opted to be a "good boy." She advised me not to do anything rash until my anger subsided.

I was going twice a week. We were getting nowhere. She wanted to use hypnosis; I didn't like the idea. I had read the stories. She said the stories were not about reality, they were about sexual fantasy. All hypnosis would do is help me beyond my anger toward being able to find what emotions I was suppressing.

I don't know what she was hoping for, but I was getting rid of my anger. Nothing was any different, I was just learning to deal with it. It was the low point for me. Betty insisted she'd not had an affair. Mike had tried, she refused. I reminded her she had moved in with him. She said she moved to an apartment, he provided, because I made her get the fuck out. That did give me pause. I wasn't buying he didn't live there, too. She said I was free come by any time and check.

Without progress, I could not see a way forward. I hired an attorney and filed for divorce. Betty asked for counseling, my attorney said I should do it. I asked Dr. Wyndham, she said it was not a good idea, she was my counselor, and we should see someone who had worked with neither of us, independently. I let Betty find one.

The counseling was without value. I had filed for divorce because of her betrayal. She had not betrayed me. She was there with her new car, bags packed, and told me she was going to find herself. He wanted her to find herself, the bags were not fully packed, not closed, she couldn't leave. She did leave. I threw her out. She was without remorse. I refused to see reality.

It was an impasse. The counselor said he was convinced I was not changing my mind and there was no chance for reconciliation. That made me angry. I had been doing better, but why was it me who was not changing my mind? The counselor looked at me as though I'd not been in attendance. "Your wife agrees with all you say. She understands and has answered every question. On the other hand, you believe nothing you have heard. You were betrayed and that betrayal colors everything which occurred after you became aware."

Betty had no more tears. She apologized, once again, said her only regret was she could not get me to see reason and the divorce went forward.

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I knew Dr. Wyndham had been wrong. I had stopped seeing her. Resolution brings about a peace. A bit uneasy, but anger no longer ruled me. My project took off. People wanted to be on my team. We were making great progress and having fun every day.

I wasn't ready to date, date. But one can find solace in the arms of any number of women, looking for similar solace. My only rule was no married women. More than once I walked away from a fun evening when my potential companion said, well - essentially, she wasn't married.

If I'm honest. I still am angry about the betrayal. I heard from dad that Betty was now dating Mike and they were getting serious.

"Dad, I know you love me and have always gone the extra mile to assure you did anything you could for me. I am so grateful and know you know it. Why are you calling me?"

"Son, I'm hoping you'll get your head out of your ass. The girl loves you and you love her."

"Dad, didn't this call start with she is getting serious about the man who broke us up?"

"No! The man who broke you up was you. That's why I called."

I didn't know what to say. I did know he was not baiting me; he was not trying to make a point. He was telling me what he thought. "Well, I need to think about that. I'll tell you this, Dad, I know your intent is to help me and that will weigh heaviest in my thoughts. Thanks, a great Dad does things like this - knowing it might be poorly received. You're a great Dad.

Secondary emotion? What would that be? This wasn't some complex circuit, it was simple. Mike kept seducing her. He succeeded to the extent she was moving out. Whether they had yet been lovers was not relevant. He didn't get her an apartment to play checkers. He told her he could provide more and better for their children, she bought in and traded up.

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Our divorce was about to be final. I got a call on my cell phone, at work. I looked - it was Anne Walters. "Hello, Anne."

"Dan, sorry to interrupt you at work. Do you have a couple of minutes?"

What on earth can this be about. "Sure."

"Mike, my ex, and I were talking at work today."

"Oh. You divorced, too?"

"Yes. I regret I didn't do it earlier. But that is not why I called. Mike told me today he is going to marry her."

"Well, I was right. They were having an affair."

"No. Well, at least I don't think so. I will tell you this and I am certain of it. Betty loves you and would come back to you in a heartbeat."

For the first time, since that first conversation with Betty all those months ago, I felt hurt. I felt inadequate. I was not enough. I worked my whole life to rise above being too little. She could not take that away from me. I felt the anger - it was a defense.

"Anne, bless your heart. How would you know she loves me?"

"Let me tell you a bit about my day. I passed Betty in the hall. She went to a significant effort to show me she is wearing a new engagement ring. I wanted to ask her, but thought she was just gloating."

"Well, that pretty much shows she loves me."

"Just listen, Dan. Not ten minutes later she called me and apologized. She said she had hoped I would say something - other than best wishes."

"What..."

"Patience, Dan. She said Mike is behaving increasingly erratically. He offered to marry her early on, but it was not a serious proposal, in her mind. She is still refusing his sexual advances."

"I don't believe that."

"I do. Without going into more detail than you want, Mike needs these sexual conquests. They are a big part, too big a part of who he is. She has been consistent. She will be his, in marriage, or not at all. It has all but broken him. He is not worth a shit at sales, right now."

"The sex is important. But from the beginning it was the betrayal. Wanting a better man."

"You must talk with her about that. But you are wrong. She may have gotten stars in her eyes at the thought of so much wealth, but it was never a thought of a better man. Neither of you may ever know if she would have gone to him that day you got home. She was sitting, lost - she could not leave."

Tears were in my eyes, for the first time, in a while. "This still doesn't say she loves me."

"What Betty wanted me to say is that Mike is no good. He'll not take care of her or any children. He is a self-centered bastard. We chatted about Mike. I did want her to know Mike is Mike. He'll love her and her children as he can. He'll need to run around on her - and he will."

We chatted a bit more, and I found she, too was marrying. Suddenly, I was sad. Overwhelmingly sad. I had only been sad like that once in my life, when Betty told me she was confused. Oh no, those were her words, "I'm confused."

Dad had been right. I suddenly needed to know. The words from Dr. Wyndham became clear. I was hiding what I felt under the anger. I called the doctor and asked her if she would see me for a few minutes at the end of the day. She agreed, though she said it would be a billable session.

I talked to her for only a few minutes. I explained I finally got it. If I could talk Betty into it, would she work with both of us? Since I was now of a mind to find out what might make me feel better, she agreed.

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I had not dialed the number in a while, I had no idea if it was in service.

"Dan? Is that you?" Her voice was full of apprehension. Why wouldn't it be?

"Betty, I need to talk to you. Are you available?"

"When? Now?"

"Well, in ten minutes."

"Dan, what is this about?" Her voice was starting to get an edge. "Dan, I am engaged. Mike will be here in less than an hour. We are going out. What do you want?" Her voice was now flat, emotionless.

"I will be there in ten minutes, give me ten and we'll see what you think."

"Ten to get here and ten to stay. That's all you get. Bye." She clicked off.

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She opened the door immediately after I rang the bell. She was standing, waiting. She stepped back, I stepped in. I was beaming the biggest smile at her. She was smiling as though meeting the furnace technician.

She spoke first, "I don't mind telling you I am surprised to see you. You look better than when I saw you last. I'm glad."

"Betty, I heard you were getting married, and a sadness came over me that I had not felt since that awful day we split up."

"You might not believe it Dan, but I am so sorry, I never wanted to hurt you and still don't."

"Betty, I am sorry. I was hurt, and sad, and then angry. I have been angry, to one degree or another since that evening. Nothing could get through the anger. Hearing you were moving on helped me to shed the anger and look at my life. Do you have some time to explore with me whether there is a chance for us?"

Her eyes absolutely lit up, but the expression did not make it to her lips. There was no smile. "Our divorce is final in a week. I marry a week later. Mike and I are talking about it tonight."

She just stared at me. Maybe thirty seconds went by. That is an eternity to look at someone without any idea of what is on their mind. Her expression did not change, "Tomorrow. 8:00 am, here, breakfast. Bring the bagels and cream cheese, and I'll supply the coffee."

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I was walking to her door, and she opened it. She was beautifully dressed, made up, and would not have looked better if we were going out on the town. I had the onion bagels and mixed fruit cream cheese we liked. I know it sounds like a terrible combination, sue us, it's what we like.

She put her arms around me and gave me a chaste kiss on the cheek. "I don't know where this will go, but it makes me so happy you came to me to try."

"Pardon me, you look wonderful. I am dressed like some guy going to breakfast."

"Dan, you look great. Let's sit and eat."

We did.

I started, "Betty, I am so sorry I have been unable to start this discussion." I went through the inability to see my emotion and the fact everything I had done since that day was in anger. Soon, I heard her initial response.

"Dan, I am sorry too. If you hadn't come home, I don't know what I would have done. Having all that money thrown at you is hard to say no to. But you did come home, and I knew when you walked in that I was making a mistake."

"Where do we go?"

"Dan, we need to move slowly, but I want to tell you something. This will be the best news you could hear; I think. I have wrestled over whether to marry Mike. I talked to his ex-wife, and she really told me who he is. Not a monster, really, just not a guy I'd want to marry.

"But maybe, she was just giving me sour grapes, so I needed to test him. He wants to be my husband, my protector, the father of my children. The test should be easy. I told him it was our time. Last night was to be our first-time making love."

"You said this would be good news."

She just smiled, "I told him I was in the middle of my cycle. You know how horny I am in the middle of my cycle. So, we were to marry in a week, we'd get a jump on my being pregnant. No birth control and try for a baby, right now."

"I'm waiting for the good news part."

"Well, in the first place, I am in the third day of my period. I thought I knew Mike, but there was an easy test.

"Mike of course, was delighted we were finally going to 'make love' and equally happy it would be toward making a baby. He was here only thirty minutes after you left."

"Did you go out?"

"No, he wanted to stay in. He also told me he wanted to wait to have sex until after we were married. He said I had held him up for all that time and he wanted to honor me."

"So, no sex, then?"

"Right. AND I noticed, he was coming to make love to create a baby, but ultimately turned down having sex - which if you'd spent the time I have with that lying snake, you'd find telling. By the way, when he said no sex, I told him it had been a test.

"He was all excited and said he knew it. He was supposed to say no! I smiled and said nothing, but he failed the test. If he'd come prepared to make a baby, I would have had a decision to make. He failed, miserably."

That last hit me hard, "You would have had a decision to make?"

"Dan, until yesterday, my decision was to marry him, or not. Suddenly, we may have a chance. But we have a way to go. You threw me out and refused to listen to my pleas. I was on the verge of betraying a dear husband. I am sure you need time to make sure we trust in one another."

"We can make it. I know we can."

In answer she picked up her phone and made a call. "Hi, yes, it's me. Mike, Dan is here. He and I are going to see if we don't belong together. I am sorry. I will vacate your apartment today. I'll leave the car and give you your ring the next time we see one another. I'm sorry."

She paused. I could hear the shouting on his end. She listened for a few minutes, then said, "I understand. I am sorry. Goodbye."

"Will you move back in with me?"

"I hope so. A box under a bridge is the next choice. If I heard correctly, I am no longer an engaged employee, I am now single and jobless."

"Well, not single for a few more days. We can stop that. Let's start packing."

We got my car loaded, Betty said she would keep packing and I could make a round trip and bring more suitcases. Her wardrobe had grown considerably.

While driving, I got my cell phone and looked at "Recents" and used that to call Anne. She answered her cell. "Dan, to what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Betty just broke up with Mike. Among the things he did was fire her."

"Well, first, tell her to come and report to me. Mike is partially right, she doesn't work for him, anymore, she'll work for me. What is her degree?"

"Business. She's always been in sales but prefers marketing."

"Great. That's done. Are you going to get back together?"

"Not certain, but I hope so."

"Me too. We'll talk, probably through Betty, but we'll talk."

I got home and unloaded, then reloaded and was on my way back to Betty's apartment in a little more than an hour. She'd given me a key. I opened the door and heard.