Tammy Jones

Had I been played? Was I just one more notch on his proverbial bedpost? I wasn't sure which was worse, that or him turning out to be a limpet. Oh well, a couple of glasses of wine later I decided I would go back to the Audubon tomorrow, collect my pen and find which it was.

Next morning before I started out on my calls I put my head around Mary Lou's door to ask if there had been any last-minute changes to the schedule?

"Hi Tammy, no, nothing for you this morning. Oh, wait a moment, a nice young man came by yesterday to return your pen" after a brief search of her in-tray she held up the offending item. I thanked her and popped it into my bag. It had been sweet of Teddy to bring it over but I had reservations, did this mean he was going to be underfoot from now on?

I was still pondering this when Mary Lou added "the Audubon has found a new supplier so you needn't call round there again, made quite a point of that, bit odd really". Mary Lou was distracted, head down, matching orders to stock on the computer otherwise she might have seen my jaw drop and the look of total disbelief on my face.

She continued absently, "bit of a relief really, they never put much business our way and with things as they are I'm glad to get them off the books" she looked up "was there anything else dear?"

I shook my head and left her office in a state of shock, so I had been played after all, the shy-little-boy routine really had been a con and I had fallen for it. Teddy hadn't been acting nice when he returned my pen, he was making sure I wouldn't go back to retrieve it. Having got what he wanted I'd been cut loose, a big 'not required on the voyage' label pasted on my forehead. Damn, damn, damn.

Well, who needed him? There were plenty of guys out there who thought I was pretty fantastic, I would just move on and forget him...

...but I soon found that I couldn't. It's like when you order Chocolate Cake for dessert in a restaurant but, after a couple of minutes the waiter comes back, apologises, explains there isn't any left and would you care to choose something else from the menu? Now, five minutes before it had been a toss-up between Chocolate Cake, Key Lime Pie and Sticky Toffee Pudding but now it's Chocolate Cake you crave, you want Chocolate Cake, that's all you can think about and nothing else will do.

And I couldn't stop thinking of Teddy, his smile, the laughs we had over coffee, the way his hair kept getting in his eyes and he'd brush it back and how I'd always wanted to straighten the rumpled collar.

Marianne tried to fix me up with a date but I said 'no thanks' pleading pressure of work (all too true) and Joe Garret, home on leave, called and asked me out for a drink but I lied, invented a fictitious boyfriend and said I was already seeing someone. I knew I was being stupid, I was mad at Teddy because I couldn't forget him and even madder at myself for being taken in. I told myself it wasn't the first time this had happened and probably wouldn't be the last. It would pass and the hurt would heal, I tried to convince myself that it just needed time.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Then, one Thursday morning the alarm went off as usual at 7.00am and, as usual, I groaned and blindly reached over to hit the snooze button but even that slight movement set things going. My stomach began to churn, I could taste bile in the back of my throat and my mouth started to fill with hot, unpleasantly sweet saliva. I'd been here before and knew exactly what was going to happen next. I threw off the covers, jumped out of bed and made a dash for the bathroom, that's one good thing about studio apartments, the toilet is never far away but even so I only just made it.

I was no sooner hunched over the bowl than the first instalment hit...

'I have got to stop drinking so much...'

Dry heave....

'Oh God, how many did I have last night...?'

Dry heave...

'Hang on a minute, I wasn't drinking last...'

Second instalment arrives.

I waited for a moment to make sure that was it? Tentatively I tried retching but nothing happened, I'd got rid of whatever it was. I spat out the bitter taste and wiped my mouth with a tissue before flushing the toilet and climbing shakily to my feet.

I turned to the sink, squeezed some toothpaste onto the brush and began to think back to the previous evening. Last night we'd all worked late to clear the back log of orders, that's how crazy busy it was. There had been a quick staff meeting after that which finished about nine, someone had made a half-hearted suggestion that we hit the bar but there were no takers, everyone just wanted to get home and zone out. I hadn't been drinking at all (no hang-over come to think of it) so why was I throwing up?

Uh oh... I'd been hungry when I got back to the apartment and remembered there were some leftovers from a Chinese take-away in the fridge... which had been there for how long? About a week at a guess.

I made a face in the mirror, doing my best imitation of moms scowl I jabbed my toothbrush at my reflection 'Tammy Jones, when are you going to learn some Goddam sense?!' I grinned and stuck my tongue out at 'mom' as the 'snooze' feature on the alarm began beeping. Oh well, at least I wouldn't be late this morning.

I went through to the kitchen more or less on auto-pilot, switched on the kettle, spooned coffee into a mug and opened the fridge to get the milk... I was bending down to take the carton from the bottom shelf when, sitting next to it, I saw a white, cardboard container inscribed with a familiar logo and the words 'Green Valley Chinese Take-Away' and I had a sudden flashback to the previous night. I had been in the fridge my hand outstretched for the Chow Mein when that voice in my head had stopped me, 'are you completely stupid? Have you any notion how long has that been sitting there?' and, in an uncharacteristic display of common sense, I had closed the fridge door and opened a bag of chips instead.

So why, five minute ago, had I been throwing up into the toilet?

I was still bent over when it suddenly occurred to me why a healthy, sexually active female in her mid-twenties might be sick in the morning and I straightened up so fast I banged my head on the top of the fridge.

I staggered back, eyes screwed up in pain, kicked the fridge door closed in retaliation yelling 'shit, shit' SHIT'. 'Oh God, when was my last period?? Come ON girl, think...' it was no use, the harder I tried the more uncertain I became, the best I could come up with was 'not recently'.

Every month when my friend Marianne has her period she has to take days off work, doubled over with cramp. Me, apart from the menstrual flow I just get slightly bloated and experience homicidal rages against any jerk that cuts me up in traffic... actually, I get that most days so it's not a reliable indicator. My periods aren't a big deal so they don't tend to stick in my memory, maybe, I kept telling myself, I'd been so busy at work I just missed it? No, I wasn't convinced either.

I grabbed my tote bag, upended the contents onto the couch and scrabbled through the assorted junk until I found my diary. Taking a deep breath I began to look back through the entries; I mark the day my period's due with a grumpy face and the day it arrives with a smiley one, problem is that those emoji's rarely appear on the same page. I went back carefully with a growing sense of alarm, the pages were full of notes, telephone numbers, possible contacts and likely orders but I had to go back three months to find a smiley face, which was towards the end of lockdown.

I didn't need to consult my diary for the last time I'd had sex; the Audubon, Thursday the 17^th, six, no, seven, weeks ago. But I'd been on the pill by then so that was okay?

Yes? No? Maybe?

I took a deep breath, trying hard to stay calm I carefully wrote out the timeline on a sheet of paper. I went off the pill in lockdown but started again as soon as we were allowed outside, that would be Monday the 14^th... four days before playing 'hide the sausage' with Teddy on his office carpet, was that enough to be protected?

Open the computer. Ask Google. Now thoroughly confused... if I started taking the pill within five days of my last period I was okay... but had I? the 'smiley face' told me when the damn thing started but not how long it had lasted, three days was my minimum but there had been plenty of times when they had lasted longer.

I needed professional advice, hell, I needed a pregnancy test kit, time to visit my BFF, Marianne. She and I had been inseparable since school, we giggled through sex-ed together, swapped notes on kissing technique and double dated. We had also shared our dreams, Marianne wanted to be a doctor and I would marry a pro-footballer and live in a big house on St Johns Hill, which tells you a lot about our respective attitudes to study.

Marianne got closest, she never quite made it to Medical School but graduated as Pharmacist two years back; me, I don't even know any footballers let alone one who can afford a big house.

Around here pharmacy's open at 9.00 am so I spent the best part of the next hour vacuuming and obsessively tidying the apartment then showered and washed my hair; keeping busy, anything to stop myself thinking. Oh yes, and I called in sick, 'just something I ate' I explained, offering a silent prayer this was the gospel truth.

At 9.00 am exactly I was outside 'Jenkins the Chemist' on London Road, there are other Pharmacy's closer to my apartment but this was where Marianne worked. As the metal shutters rose I ducked under them and into the shop silently praying this wasn't her day off; it wasn't, Marianne was there, stacking blue-and-white tins of baby formulae into artistic pyramids.

"Hi Girl" she said looking up with a surprised smile, "kinda early for you?" I felt better already, there's something reassuring about the sight of a white lab coat especially when it's being worn by your best friend.

I walked over and whispered "I need a pregnancy testing kit"...

"YOU PREGNANT?!"

There was no-one else in the shop but I shushed her anyway "No, yes, maybe".

"What makes you think you're knocked up?"

"I was sick this morning"

Marianne laughed, "girl, if I had a dollar for every time I've thrown up I would..."

"I'm late..."

Abruptly she stopped laughing, suddenly serious. "How late?" she demanded.

"Two, three months" I said evasively "I'm a bit erratic in that department".

"But you're on the pill?" I explained about coming off it during lockdown and showed her the timeline I'd drawn up, when I'd started taking it again and when I'd had sex with Teddy. Marianne looked at it, frown lines appeared on her forehead, "you might be okay but really you should have given it a week." She shook her head and gave me a look, "you do know your mom is going to kill you".

"Not if I kill myself first" I said glumly.

Marianne put her hand on my arm "Hey, none on that crazy talk girlfriend".

I shook my head "it's okay, there's someone else I want to kill first". Marianne waved her hand over the shelves behind her "I have poisons, take your pick".

"No, it would be with a hammer, I want the bastard to see it coming"...

"Okay, but in the meantime" Marianne led me over to the dispensary, "test kits".

Two elderly ladies came into the pharmacy as Marianne handed me a pack of a dozen cardboard tubes, shrink wrapped and helpfully labelled 'Pregnancy Predictor'.

"I only need one" I protested, "that's how they come" she responded "and these are on the house... um... there's a staff toilet at the back of the shop if you want to...?"

One of the old ladies, waving a prescription, called over "excuse me dear, could you help me with this?"

"You go see to the old girl" I said "and thanks for the offer but I'd rather do this at home".

Marianne looked doubtful but went off to serve the old lady as I left the pharmacy clutching the test kits.

I didn't go home; I drove very slowly across town to the Audubon, I told myself I was just being careful but actually it's because I'm a coward. Sure, when I got to the hotel I was going to unload on Teddy, give him the full benefit of my pent up anger, but after that...

...after that I would have to open the pack and use one of those kits - basically I was terrified at what the result might be and was putting off that moment for as long as possible. The drive also gave time for my resentment to build up, not helped by the voice in my head practically yelling 'you moron! You can't look after yourself, what are you going to do with a baby?'

'You shit Teddy' I silently raged, 'what kind of bastard dumps someone like that? even that cow Dora sent Joe a text, but no, you didn't even bother with that, did you? Just told my boss not to send me back to the Audubon. Who are you to say 'don't bother calling again'?' Well I bloody well was going to call on him.

I had a really good head of steam by the time I got to the Audubon, I left the car right in front of the main doors in the 'No Parking' bay and stormed into reception. The SFB wasn't there which was a pity as I was just in the mood to bitch-slap her silly, I crossed the lobby and went through the door at the back marked 'Staff Only', on down the corridor and along to the 'Managers Office'. Unfortunately Teddy didn't have a secretary for me to push past so I just flung open the door and stood there glaring at him.

Teddy, sitting at his desk, looked up startled at the sudden intrusion, "Tammy..." he began to say but I yelled "you bastard, you stupid, stupid bastard" and flung the test kit at his head. He caught it, fumbled, caught it again and read the label.

"You're pregnant?!"

"Yes! No! I don't know..." the angry words tailed off into something approaching an unhappy wail as Teddy came round the desk holding the unopened pack of test kits, he put his hands on my shoulders, "h-have you u-used one of t-these yet?" I shook my head miserably, "okay, okay, f-first things first, let's f-find out for c-certain shall we?"

He'd started stammering again, I guess I wasn't the only one beginning to panic.

He picked up a key card from his desk, checked a big chart on the wall and we went out and walked along the corridor until we came to Room 13.

I offered up a silent prayer, 'please God, don't let that be a sign'.

"W-won't be d-disturbed in h-here" said Teddy as he touched the key-pad on the door with the master card. Once inside he slipped the card into a slot on the wall and the lights came on. I looked around, it was a pretty nice room, floral bedspread and matching drapes, pastel colour scheme and a neutral carpet, sensible in a hotel... Actually I didn't give a damn about the room, I just didn't want to think of what I might find out in the next few minutes.

I slowly followed Teddy into the bathroom with the same sick, sense of dread I used to feel when entering the Principals Office back at school.

Teddy stripped the clear, plastic wrapping off the pack of test kits and shook out one of the cardboard tubes, he tore open the foil packet and handed me the plastic pee-stick.

There was a paper band around the toilet with the words 'Sanitzed For Your Protection', Teddy pulled it off and, lifting the lid, stood there waiting. It sounds stupid, it was stupid, there was nothing Teddy hadn't seen before (in great detail) but I felt shy undressing in front of him. Mistaking my hesitation he smiled encouragingly "it's okay, w-we'll see this t-through t-together", easy for him to say...

I shook my head, "no, it's just that... do you mind waiting outside?"

"Oh, of c-course, I'm sorry, I'll j-just be here" and he disappeared into the bedroom.

Deep breath, okay, here goes, I lifted my skirt, pulled my pants down and squatted over the toilet, I removed the end cap from the pee-stick, carefully positioned it and then....and then nothing. I just could not pee. My bladder absolutely refused to co-operate.

"Oh for heavens sake" I got up, turned on the faucet and ran water into the basin, tried to think of waterfalls, fountains, garden sprinklers... maybe it was the last one that did it but I finally managed to squeeze out a few drips. Was that enough? it would have to be. I shook off the excess, put the cap back on the end and pulled up my pants. I washed my hands and went out into the bedroom feeling a bit better. It was done, for better or for worse, I was committed to knowing.

Teddy was sitting on the bed reading the instructions on the side of the pack of test kits. I sat beside him and we both stared at the pee-stick.

"Apparently it can take up to t-three minutes b-before you get a r-result" said Teddy, "a s-single red line is a n-negative result but if we see t-two red lines then you're p-pregnant". I knew all this, I'd used pee-sticks before, mostly out of curiosity, this was the first time there had ever been any doubt as to the result. But I didn't say anything, I realised Teddy was every bit as worried as I was and was just nervously talking to conceal it.

And at last, after an eternity, an unmistakeable, single, red line appeared.

I slowly released the breath I hadn't realised I'd been holding. Maybe I should have been cheering or doing cartwheels around the room but I just felt numb, I knew I'd come very close to a disaster of my own making and wasn't feeling very proud of myself.

Teddy was speaking again "it says the test is 98% accurate so maybe, just to be sure, you should do another one?" I noticed he'd stopped stammering, must have been a relief for him too.

I nodded, of course, we had a dozen of the things, why not? I felt a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders and in a much more cheerful frame of mind went back into the bathroom. So, 98% accurate, that meant there was only a 2% chance of a false result and I might still be pregnant. That's what, 50 to 1 against? I liked the odds.

'Yeah, and the odds against winning the PowerBall are 290 million to one against and yet you still buy tickets.' said that annoying voice.

"Oh shut up" I said out loud.

"Everything okay?" asked Teddy. "Um, yes, just talking to myself" I called back.

I had no problem at all peeing now, if anything I couldn't stop.

So once again I found myself sitting on the bed next to Teddy as we watched another single red line appear, surely there was no doubt now, I wasn't pregnant.

Teddy put his arm around me, I leaned against his shoulder and he gently kissed the top of my head, maybe Chocolate Cake was still on the menu?

"I'm sorry I called you all those names back in the office, but why did you say you didn't want to see me again?" I asked quietly. Teddy suddenly sat up straight, "What are you talking about? I never said any such thing!"

"Yes you did" I protested weakly, "you said the Audubon was changing suppliers and I wasn't needed anymore, you brought my pen back so I wouldn't have an excuse to call again". But even as I was saying these words my mind went back to what Mary Lou had said, 'a nice young man called by to return your pen' she hadn't even known his name... and had paused before saying 'the Audubon is changing suppliers' Mary Lou hadn't linked the two, I had, I just assumed it had been Teddy passing on the bad news.

Teddy shook his head "Not me, your supervisor was the one who told us to find another supplier. She also said that German & Co were running a respectable business, not a brothel, if I tried to contact you again you'd be out of a job without a reference and I'd sued for sexual harassment".

I just stared at him, the thought of Mary Lou, who had pretty much told me to use my 'assets' to win orders, saying anything like that was a joke. If she thought I'd been having sex with a customer she would have probably given me a bonus.