Tea, Coffee, and Me Ch. 03

How I brought to light (swing, dangle, swing) your compatibility.

How I made available (dangle, swing, dangle) your many female-friendly usefulnesses: not, just to your employer Mrs Hilary Harper, her junior partner assistants Amanda and Zoe, their female clientele, and to all of the other females as entitled via the terms of Mrs Harper's reciprocal arrangements - but (swing, dangle, swing) especially ... to me.

"Good afternoon, male citizen David. You may sit down."

"Good afternoon, Miss Tomkins. Thank you."

"First, I am pleased to say that since I last saw you two weeks ago, a lot of attitude-changing water appears to have flowed under your bridge.

"During the two weeks that you have been working for Mrs Hilary Harper of Harper's Conference Catering, I have received an impressive number of meritorious reports about you - both, from your employer's female clientele, and from reciprocal-arrangement recipients of your services.

"In the form Female Citizen Communication text messages mostly, but a not inconsiderable number of direct phone calls to me here, too.

"But then, there are these ..." Miss Tomkins showed me some stapled-together sheets of white paper "... as you can see: a sizeable handful of hand-written testimonials. All the more impressive, because they are all the more unusual: these female citizens have gone to the trouble of putting pen to paper for you - in some cases, as well as text-messaging or phoning.

"Good words, so to speak, from female citizens. For who, such has been their satisfaction not only with the uncommon quality of your service but also your impeccable behavioural conduct, felt compelled to relay through the proper channel not only their highly favourable endorsements but also to convey to me their firm insistence that their comments and commendations be officially noted in your Male Citizen File.

"But of course, all communications - text message, phone call, handwritten, or in-person - sent to or received by us here at the Job Centre, are entered into the AFP National Database System as a matter of routine. And I can tell you, just as I have informed all of my correspondents in this matter, I have placed photocopies or transcripts of all such Female Citizen Communications in your Male Citizen File."

I wasn't sure if what Miss Tomkins had said to me warranted a reply, but I judged it best to offer the standby play-it-safe response anyway: "Thank you, Miss Tomkins."

"I am pleased with you, male citizen David. Up to now, there is not the slightest of blots on your copybook. You have got yourself off to a bright start, and I am optimistic about your prospects.

"But I am not one to be carried away by sunny starts. I have seen many bright beginnings fade, and fade fast.

"You have shown a lot of positivity, but will your star continue to rise and shine? Will this steady stream of Female Citizen Communication attesting so glowingly to your remarkable adaption continue to flow to me here at my Desk? Will your praiseworthiness last, or will it fizzle out? Will commendations be replaced by condemnations? We will have to see how you go on, won't we?"

"Yes, Miss Tomkins."

"So ... male citizen David, this is your first Male Worker's Conduct Review interview with me, your Probational Case Officer."

"Yes, Miss Tomkins."

"Just to recap: These one-to-one meetings will take place on alternate Mondays, during your lunch break when it is least inconvenient to your employer Mrs Harper."

"Yes, Miss Tomkins."

"Although, you should also prepare yourself - keep your calendar free and ensure your availability - to report to me here for any supplementary lunchtime meetings between us, that at my discretion I might summon you to my Desk impromptu."

"Supplementary ... impromptu, meetings, Miss Tomkins?"

"Yes, male citizen David - impromptu: Extra, unscheduled meetings, that at short notice or even with no advance notice at all, I might summon you here to my Desk. Be sure to check your phone regularly for my text message - believe me: you wouldn't want to miss it ... male citizen David?"

"Yes, Miss Tomkins. I'll be sure to check."

"Good. Now, on your way in, did you see those posters displayed in the window? Male citizen David ...?"

"Um ..."

"Now, don't tell me you didn't notice that wonderful life-size full-colour poster of Caroline Flynt, and her stirring message to fine young men such as yourself: 'Spare Time is Wasted Time - Man a Female-Friendly Service Today!' You saw that, didn't you?"

"Yes, Miss Tomkins. I saw it."

"Well, there is another way that you can please me - and at the same time, respond to your Prime Minister's appeal to you: Volunteer to donate some of your free time to facilitate a female-friendly service this weekend."

"But, Miss Tomkins, I'm so tired, after a week of—"

"I know from speaking to your employer Mrs Harper this morning that you've got the full weekend off this week."

"Yes, but on Saturday I'll be going with my work colleague Edds to watch Brighton - we're at home to Liverpool in the Premier League."

"Yes, I know. I'll be going with Dolores - my colleague at Desk 4, the Interviewer you were so obviously ... appreciative. We've got complimentary all-competition season tickets to watch the Seagulls' matches both at home and away, complete with refreshments vouchers for half-time. But, to get back to you: that still leaves your Sunday free."

"But my Sunday isn't free either, Miss Tomkins. I've made arrangements: Sunday afternoon, I'll be going for a pizza, with—"

"There you go - Sunday it is. You can go for a pizza anytime."

"But, Miss Tomkins! I can't just drop plans, to ..."

I realised that the soft, muted sound I'd heard a second ago must have been Miss Tomkins' right well-worn red leather flat falling to the carpeted floor beneath Desk 5. For, in the next instant, the ball of her warm and slightly clammy foot was pressing into my bare left knee; the undersides and the pads of her bare toes, securing a firm purchase.

The tingly sensation was so pleasurable, it was almost unbearable.

Over the last two weeks, I had experienced many pleasurable sensations:

Foot-to-face passive servitude at the feet of refreshments-breaking, single-legged postured, opinion-positing centre-of-attention in-tenure ladies.

And active participant, self-initiated/instruction-led hands-on foot massage services.

But this was something different again.

"And, here was me, thinking your future was full of promise, male citizen David. But already, just like so many others before you, your bright start is fading - and fading fast. Is your sunny start, then, just a false dawn?"

With the pads of her toes over my bare left knee, Miss Tomkins emphasised the words: 'me', 'promise', 'David', 'already', 'fast', 'false' and 'dawn'.

To look anywhere, but at her penetrating blue eyes, looking down at her desk my eyes fell upon the sham sheet of white paper - it was, of all things, an intra-AFP/Job-Centre circulation, r.e. The Compatibility Department.

"I am not unreasonable: I'll excuse you for Saturday - you can go to the football match with your work colleague Edward Edwards; you are both doing so exceptionally well in your new employment situations with Mrs Harper, I would hate to engender any feelings of resentment.

"So ... am I, being unreasonable, in asking you to donate just a little of your free time on Sunday, either before or after you go for your afternoon pizza? Am I being over-demanding, in asking you to man - not an eight-hour, not a four-hour, not even a two-hour - but, to gentle you into it, just a one-hour Female-Friendly Service Facilitation slot?"

I kept quiet.

"Believe me, male citizen David: I am not always so accommodating - you are very much a special exception. But trust me: you wouldn't want to disappoint me."

Again I said nothing in reply, hoping that Miss Tomkins would drop all of this voluntary free-time sacrificing female-friendly service facilitation business and move on.

But, no ...

"All right ... let me set out some of the many good reasons for you doing so, male citizen David:

"One - you will earn your way into my good books; the benefits of which you should not dismiss lightly.

"Two - I might be able to see my way to reduce from a possible maximum of five the number of times per week that I summon you to my Desk impromptu; I might - if you do not try my patience any further - even go so far as to cast-iron guarantee your choice of one regular meeting-free day of the week.

"Three - when I record your voluntary Female-Friendly Service Facilitation accreditations in the AFP National Database System, I will add an endorsement of my own; this will stand you in still further good stead in the event that you are brought before an AFP Disciplinary Panel, when in considering your record the panel may see some basis for mitigation.

"Four - it's a tight race, at the top of the Southern League of the UK Intra-Job-Centre Compatible Capture Cup, with Brighton Job Centre currently in third place behind Portsmouth and the League-leaders Southampton. In the event of a tie on points, the determining criteria to decide the outright winners will be the highest number of in-work male citizen Female-Friendly Service Facilitation recruitments - you would not go unrewarded, should I recruit you as a free-time sacrificing volunteer and your sign-up proved to be the prize-winning difference."

This time, with the pads of her toes on my bare knee, Miss Tomkins laid emphasis on the words: 'good books'; 'regular'; 'good stead'; 'unrewarded', and 'your sign-up', sending further shivers of ecstasy through me.

There was a lot of 'might', 'could', and 'mays' in there ... nonetheless, it seemed there were some tangible benefits to be earned, just for volunteering to man a one-hour Female-Friendly Service Facilitation slot.

Miss Tomkins must have sensed her opening; intuited that I was thinking about it.

"You needn't sign up as a Regular, male citizen David."

"I wouldn't have to be a Regular, Miss Tomkins? For definite?"

"No - because in your present line of work you won't know from one week to the next whether you will be working a five-day, six-day, or even a seven-day week, you will be unreliable; Regulars need to be dependable. So, what you will need to do is to register your willingness to man a female-friendly service voluntarily as an in-work male citizen."

"Um ... I'm still not sure, Miss Tomkins. It's a big commitment, and—"

"Won't you do it, David, to please me?"

"Um ..."

"I know: How about ... an instant bonus reward? Sign up now, and I will allow you to sit under Desk 5 at my feet for five minutes."

The effect of Miss Tomkins' words eclipsed all that she had said previously; their impact upon me, description-defying.

And neither had it escaped my notice that in addressing me just now, Miss Tomkins had dispensed with the normal formal protocoled 'male citizen' usage - she, but of course not we, were on first-name terms.

"And ... I needn't become a Regular, Miss Tomkins?"

"No! I've told you: although your employment circumstances may change in future, for now, your irregular hours of work rule you out from applying to become a Regular. But you can still register your interest in manning a female-friendly service as an in-work male citizen on a one-off, as-and-when basis."

"Well, if you put it like that ... All right, then, Miss Tomkins."

"Good!" Miss Tomkins drew the pad of her forefinger across her forehead, as though I had been hard work. "Well, we got there in the end, didn't we?"

"Yes, Miss Tomkins."

"And, now that you are in such a positive frame of mind ... what about in future?"

"In future, Miss Tomkins?"

"Yes - in the future! What do you say, to Mrs Harper informing me as to your future availability in advance: on a weekly basis and as a matter of course? And then, to save you the time and trouble, I'll put your name down to man a vacant female-friendly service slot that upcoming weekend?"

"Um ... I—"

"I'm not unreasonable: I won't overcommit you; the last thing I want is to burn you out too soon. And, as another special concession for your continuing cooperation, we can keep the football arrangement going with your work colleague and friend Edward Edwards. Leave it to me; I'll square it all up with Edward's Probational Case Officer, Vanessa at Desk Three."

"That's a big escalation, Miss Tomkins. A one-off, as-and-when basis, is one thing. But ... I mean, thank you for letting me and Edds go on watching the football, but I'm not sure I want to commit, to such—"

"That was contingent upon your continuing cooperation ... Do you want me to allow you to go on watching the football?"

"Well ..."

"Excellent! That's all settled, then. You are doing the right thing, David. And, don't forget: when you have completed the necessary formalities at Reception, come back here to me for your instant-reward bonus. You haven't forgotten what it is, have you; the little treat I promised?"

"Um ..."

"I didn't think so. Now, go over to one of the Job Search screens, and insert your Male Citizen Identity Card to override the default format and gain advanced access to the System.

"From the menu, select: 'A-Z Listing of Female-Friendly Service Facilitation Vacancies'. Scroll down the list of available choices for the day in question, and then select the as yet unfilled slot that you wish to man. Your request will then be processed. Wait for your printout, run your eyes over it to see that all is correct and proper, and then take it to Reception.

"If you haven't been able to choose, don't worry; we get that a lot. The receptionist will run a range of still-available options past you and, if you are still undecided, she will be happy to make what she considers an appropriate selection on your behalf. Well ... off you go then."

"Yes, Miss Tomkins," I said, vacating my seat. "And thank you."

*

Inserting my Male Citizen Identity Card into the Job Search monitor to gain advanced access to the System, the first thing I noticed upon selecting 'A-Z Listing of Female-Friendly Service Facilitation Vacancies' was that it was possible to apply to man a particular facility for anything up to three months in advance through 'Slot Securement' and 'Block-Booking'.

But, keeping my focus more to the immediacy, I opened the Friday window - I thought I might be able to keep my weekend free and intact, after all, by serving Miss Tomkins' suggested gentling-in, getting-me-off-the-mark, one-hour female-friendly service slot on Friday evening after work.

As it happened, scrolling down the 'A's, I spotted the very thing that I felt was guaranteed to get me into Miss Tomkins' good books.

I could forget all about donating just one free-time hour, though. The minimum time-frame commitment for this female-friendly service was a four-hour time slot; and even then, it was strongly caveated with "a high possibility of long overruns due to circumstances beyond our control".

I positioned my finger over the touch-screen where it said 'APPLY', and the word lit up, prompting me to 'COMMIT' ... I withdrew my finger to a safe distance.

It wouldn't do to be hasty.

If I acted in haste, I wouldn't be repenting at leisure - and, why, for no good reason, subject myself to a needless minimum quadrupling of Miss Tomkins' stated one-hour introductory, 'gentling-in' requirement?

Because there was, a good reason?

Mulling this over, I remembered the message I'd seen beneath the posters displayed in the Job Centre's window. About the video recordings viewable inside featuring the scenes depicted: In-work, free-time sacrificing male citizens, in situ and performing their freely chosen or consensually assigned female-friendly service facilitation.

On the touch-screen, I repositioned my finger over where it said 'Watch Video', and the words lit up.

There was nothing to worry about: the viewing of the video was for informational purposes and, at this stage, non-committal.

I touched where it said 'Watch Video' ...

The ensuing video footage was of a one-minute duration, but that was enough.

The question now was: Just how important to me, was it, to get into Miss Tomkins' good books? ("the benefits of which you should not dismiss lightly".)

Had the shock of hearing Miss Tomkins' five-minute under-the-desk "instant-bonus reward" proposal unhinged me?

Just the very thought ...

On the touch-screen, once again my finger poised over where it said 'APPLY', and again the word lit up, prompting me to 'COMMIT'.

Maybe I wasn't thinking straight.

Maybe it was the mind-shattering notion of earning the heretofore unimagined privilege of sitting on the floor in the open kneehole of Desk 5 at Miss Tonya Tomkins' feet.

Or maybe it was the scintillating idea of feeling again in the Probational Year future and perhaps longer at her discretion on alternate Mondays, the incredibly sensual thrill of the warm and slightly clammy ball of her foot and the undersides and pads of her toes gaining purchase on my hypersensitive bare kneecap as she asserted her authority and 'persuaded' me to "cooperate".

Or, maybe it was the thought of Miss Tomkins text-message summoning me at her discretion up to a possible maximum five days a week to her Desk impromptu, for extra Probational (or extra-Probational) lunchtime meetings ("believe me: you wouldn't want to miss it").

It was make-your-mind-up time.

On the touch-screen, I touched my finger to where it said 'APPLY' ...

In the housing beneath the Job Search touch-screen a printer started up and now, replacing the thumbnail video icon and the appended descriptive text, was a bold-lettered formal statement:

Thank You, Male Citizen David Manners, For Registering Your Interest In Voluntary Female-Friendly Service Facilitation And For Pledging To Donate Some Of Your Free Time This Weekend - Retrieve Your Printout And Report To Reception For Verification And Validation.

I retrieved the sheet of flimsy white printout paper, read through it, and was satisfied that all was correct and proper.

I experienced another twinge of doubt; this was a big decision.

But the time for hesitation and indecision was behind me; I had made my decision, and it was too late for second thoughts.

I had made my freely chosen in-work male citizen's free-time sacrificing female-friendly service facilitation selection.

No one had made me press 'Watch Video'; no one had forced me to press 'APPLY', and no one had coerced me to 'COMMIT'.

And now I was committed.

If I was to renege now, on my albeit as yet unverified and unvalidated application but now, On-System registered pre-ratified pledge ... well, I'd read the warning.

Probably, it was just a case of nerves, which was understandable, I thought as I headed to Reception with the thin sheet of white paper which, although I hadn't actually signed it, because I had pressed 'COMMIT' on the Job Search touch-screen my request was now registered On-System on the AFP DataBase and the printout flimsy was a legally binding document.

Sitting behind the Reception counter was an attractive brunette in her early- to mid-twenties who watched me approach. From her name tag, I saw she was Sandra.

"Good afternoon, Miss Sandra."

"Good afternoon, male citizen."

"My name is David Manners, and my Probational Case Worker, Miss Tonya Tomkins at Desk 5, suggested to me that I donate some of my free time this weekend to facilitate a female-friendly service. Here is my Male Citizen Identity Card, and this is my printout."

Sandra slid my Male Citizen Identity Card into a slot to get my details up on her computer screen, and then she ran her eyes over my printout.

"Um ... male citizen David, have you read the on-screen description of the service you have chosen to facilitate?"