Teed Off Ch. 03

Janet giggled at that and started sending her another message.

"What?"

"Oh, don't worry. I told her I had been chasing you around the flat naked and that every time I caught you, we would have wild monkey sex." More surprises, but that made me laugh.

"That's good. Let's see if Edith responds to that. Ha."

A few minutes later we head her phone ping and it was Janet's turn to laugh.

"What?"

"Edith said she wanted details when I got home."

"Are you sure you've got the right Edith? Ms. Prim and proper?"

"Yep. The very one."

"Life will never cease to amaze me."

Today was Eiffel tower day and Notre Dame. We walked to the tower, and even though we got there early, we decided to get into the short line to climb the steps to the 2nd floor (out of three), since the line for the elevators was several hundred yards long. I thought it was great. There are 669 steps to the 2nd floor. You know this because they are all numbered. I'm not sure if that is a benefit or torture.

All the girls were a little winded by the time we made it, but it was a beautiful day and early enough before the heat arrived. From there we took the elevator to the top for those stunning views.

After lunch we went to Notre Dame and looked around; no formal tour this time.

Later that afternoon was my only request for Paris. We took the metro towards the Sacre Couer and made a pit stop at a local gourmet food market. They had fresh breads, cheeses, foie gras, pates, fruits, wines, macarons, some rotisserie items, and many other delectable things we wanted to try. Janet and I stopped here one evening on our visit here all those years ago.

Janet asked, "You remembered this place?"

"Of course. They have, or had, the best foie gras I've ever eaten. Also, I remember all of our trips together." Janet smiled at that.

It was nice to see the place was still open. It looked like the inside was fairly new, but it was still the same place with the same name and same great food. I admired the ability for places like this to stay open for so many decades when so many places in Chicago seemed to stay open a couple of years and then change to something new.

This was to be our dinner, so we picked out all the interesting things we wanted to try and took a cab up to the Sacre Couer basilica. Upon arriving, we plopped down on those grand steps, and arranged the food between all of us and enjoyed sampling all variety of things for dinner with our wine, (yes, all four of us) from that perch, which allowed a view over all of Paris while the sun was setting.

Janet and I were a few steps above the girls and the food was between us and them. After we had eaten, I handed my little pocket camera, for taking better pictures than with our cell phones, to Meredith to take some pictures. Janet had been sitting a couple of feet away from me while we were eating, but now that we were finished and relaxing, she scooted next to me and proceeded to put her arm through mine and rest her head on my shoulder.

I stiffened at the intrusion, but she didn't move. She asked me, "just for a minute. okay?"

Not wanting to cause a scene, I relaxed, and leaned over into her also, while we watched the people and the sun ease its way down to our west. We stayed that way for a while, much longer than a minute - more like fifteen. I was so torn. How could I still have feelings for her after all that time. Oh, but, she smelled so good. She smelled like...well, like Janet. I had always loved sitting like this too. We did this exact thing on our last trip here. It was still a strong memory, which was probably why I wanted dinner here. I shouldn't have encouraged it, or really even allowed it, but sometimes it's hard to resist what the heart wants, even if the brain is screaming for you to stop.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Rachel, now around 20 feet away, had turned around and upon seeing us, tried to discretely sneak a couple of snaps of us with her cell phone. I closed my eyes and pretended I didn't see. I loved her and wouldn't deny her those photos as they would be good memories for her and her sister.

A few minutes after that, Meredith with her more overt self, came and stood about 10 feet directly in front of us and with my camera loudly snapped off a few. With that I stiffened and brought the snuggling to a halt. I stood saying, "Time to go get a coffee."

I could see that Janet was disappointed and gave Meredith a stern look.

We took a cab down to the Champs-Élysées to grab a coffee and people watch before returning to the apartment.

____________

Saturday. The morning was a repeat of the others, with me fetching breakfast and running. Today we were to go to the Musée d'Orsay which houses the largest collection of impressionist paintings in the world. It is my favorite art museum on the planet. However, I was worried, knowing that the most painful memory would lie here.

Again, our daughters did a great job of arranging the right company to provide a guided tour of the museum. They could get us in and through quickly to the most important works. They answered all of our questions and really gave us much more information than we would have had without them. Also, it was nice because we were all hearing and witnessing it together. We had tons of information on our cell phones, but then it becomes a very individualistic experience and with the guide we were able to share it together.

Our tour completed and after a late lunch, we browsed the museum on our own. Sometimes all four of us were together and sometimes we would split into 2 pairs, mixing the pairings frequently. Late in the day, it was just Janet and me in a smaller room, which is a rarity in and of itself inside the d'Orsay. She was next to me and then attempted to playfully sneak her hand down inside my pants, ...like she did 23 years ago.

This was THE memory I had kept cornered ever since I agreed to go on this trip. Oh sure, it was always lurking around my mind, but I refused to allow it to gain a hold on me. If it was a wolf trying to set upon me, I had my torch keeping it at bay, hoping I could prevent it's attack all these months... until now.

Twenty-three years ago, in this museum, she did this in a room full of people, if only for a few seconds. She caught a few people by surprise when she did this, but none were more surprised than me. At the time I was thinking, "Was this my Janet?" She never did anything remotely like that prior to that event. Not even skimpy bikinis or going topless on topless beaches in the Caribbean, which I had cautiously tried to encourage. I couldn't believe she would do something so brazen. When I looked into her eyes on that day, however, and saw THAT smoldering smile, I knew she wanted one thing, and I was determined to give it to her as quickly as possible.

On that day, we practically ran out of the museum together to a cab and our hotel room where we proceeded to screw each other's brains out until the next morning. It was the most passionate love making we had during our entire marriage. On that night, it wasn't just me. It was both of us doing whatever we could to please the other. Except for our daughters being born, it was the most intense and vivid memory in my life.

Today, however, I gently but firmly removed her hand, told her I was leaving and that I would meet them at the apartment. This night, it was me, alone, storming out of the museum. I grabbed the first cab available and directed him to the apartment. By the time I got there, my brain was running faster than my body. Mentally, I was already where I was planning to go and that was onto a plane, back home.

I couldn't do this any longer, not with Janet. All the pain mixed with the love that was purposefully suppressed all those years. It was killing me.

I would use some of my recent winnings to bring the girls back if they desired, but I could not continue like this. I quickly threw everything I had into my suitcases and was getting ready to leave, when Janet, alone, came through the door and literally ran into me; seizing me refusing to let me go. She was sobbing violently.

"I'm so sorry, Tim. Please forgive me."

"I cannot do this any longer Janet. I have to go." She squeezed me even tighter, unyielding. I was beginning to seethe.

Pleading, she said, "No. I'll be good. I promise. You can't go. Stay for the girls. Please! You don't have to do it for me, but please do it for them. If anyone should go, it's me."

Here it was, again. These unexpected changes in her behavior, so different from what I was familiar with, that they continued to strike me upon their occurrence.

I stood there unmoving. Suffering. Tormented by my past, our past, but unable to escape it. A man could only take so much for so long. I had truly loved this woman for most of my adult life, even when I hated her. For the first decade, I couldn't imagine my life without here. For the last decade, I couldn't imagine it with her, knowing I would still love her all the same. So self-absorbed she had been, that my feelings were of no consequence, now here she was, on her knees begging me to stay or send HER away. I was truly at my wits end, not knowing what to do next. My heart was aching, and my mind was shutting down. How could I leave, when my body refused to move?

Too mentally exhausted from fighting myself, I too, got down on my knees. Not knowing what else to do, I pulled her to me, tightly. I probably would have hugged anyone or anything at that moment simply to have something to hold on to, because I had nothing left. I wanted to be angry. I should be furious, but I was neither. Simply, I was broken.

Before long I was weeping, too. I hung on to this woman that I had loved and hated for so many years and felt the tears escaping in a way that my body could not.

In between her sobs, she would tell me, "I'm so sorry. You have no idea, Tim. I know you hate me, and that has been killing me. I'm so sorry."

We must have stayed that way on the floor for 10 minutes, my knees killing me. Finally, I kissed the top of her head and said, "I have no idea what to do. I just want to get away from the pain. I'm so tired of hurting. I was hurting before I left, and I continued to hurt afterwards. I'm still hurting. The worst is that I hate myself for hating you."

She pulled me to the couch and hung on to me for dear life. "I know, Tim. It's my fault. I know."

We stayed that way for maybe ten more minutes. I asked, "so what do we do now?"

"You stay, with us, with me. You let me show you how much I want you in MY life. Let me prove to you that I want YOU to want ME."

"Janet, I don't know if I can. I'm afraid you would be wasting your time. I get so angry, all the time, when I think about us. I'm afraid that I wouldn't allow myself to show my appreciation, or you wouldn't feel I was sincere. I believe we hit the iceberg a long time ago. I think we are unsalvageable."

She continued to cling to me and whispered. "No. I don't believe that. I won't believe that. Give me a chance. I really am different. I really do want you in my life, the way you are, not the way I tried to make you.

I took a deep breath and let out a long sigh.

She continued, "I know you don't have to. I know you don't owe me anything. I know it is me that owes you for the years of crap you had to put up with. I know. So just let me try; just one time. If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work, but at least give me one opportunity to prove it to you."

"Janet, I'm afraid if I do give you that chance, if I let my emotions loose for even a moment, I'll lash out at you verbally to try and hurt you even more than we are both hurting right now. I don't want to hurt you."

"That's so typical of you; trying to protect others when you are the one that's hurting. Let me try to make you happy, just for a while. At least for the rest of this trip. Yes. For the rest of this trip, let me try.

"If I don't convince you, or if I can't, then fine. But for the rest of this trip, let me try."

"What are you asking, Janet?"

She replied, "Just an opportunity to show you that I can be the person you used to love. I can be that person that loves you back as fiercely as you love. No, I don't deserve that opportunity. Lord knows I know that, but I'll help you to enjoy this trip. Yes, I want to make love with you, but no I'm not asking for that. I'm not asking to be your servant. I am asking to be your companion and confidant until we go home. I want us to attempt to get to know each other again. I want to be your best friend that I used to be.

"I won't push. If something comes from it, then I will be thrilled. If at the end of our trip we see that nothing is growing, then that's it. We tried but couldn't make it work. Let's give it one last try, together."

I had to remind myself that those I trusted the most in my life now believed her to be sincere, even though I still had my doubts. Though many of my doubts were about my ability to forgive vs. her ability to change. Everything in me said that I shouldn't take that chance. If things blew up, the pain from living like before would be even worse this time. I also worried that I was at the age where if I were going to try to make a life with someone else, possibly Annie, then I needed to start now, before any future prospect and myself become too old.

I said nothing. We were still sitting on the couch. By now, I was stroking her hair, trying to soothe her. My nose was in the nape of her neck, smelling her. After a few minutes I was gently kissing her neck. She was afraid to move but allowed me to continue. Soon I was kissing her ear, then her cheeks, her nose, but rather than move to her mouth, I moved to the top of her head and brought her head to my chest, and then we lay next to each other. It was easily the most intimate moment that we had shared together in at least 10 years, maybe 20, and we both knew it.

We laid there an impossibly long time. Both of us afraid that if we moved, the spell would be broken, and I would be gone, forever. I took a deep breath with her rising and falling with my chest and continued to stroke her hair. Could I do this? Ten days? There was no fooling myself; I absolutely loved having her where she was, close to me. I would sleep just like this, if I thought we could. The girls were probably worried about their mother by now. It wasn't possible to stay like this, but I needed her to know that I wasn't running away.

"I would stay like this all night if we could?"

She slowly looked up at me. "Does that mean you'll stay a little longer?"

"Yes. It does."

She squeezed me again. "I know I don't deserve to, but I love you Tim. I want you to know that. I want you to believe that."

"I'd like that too. You know what?"

"Hmmmm."

"You should probably let the girls know you are ok. They're probably afraid that you are being detained at airport security by now."

She chuckled at that. "I told them they might be on their own for a while, but I wasn't letting you out of my sight."

It was my turn to chuckle at that. "Go ahead. Text them. Tell them we should see if we can still make dinner."

"OK."

"Janet? I may still get angry. There may still be times when I have to be alone for a few minutes, but I won't run away. Okay? If we are both still trying when the trip ends, I'll talk to someone about how to get rid of the anger. That is what I'm most afraid of now."

She pulled herself up and kissed me on my cheek and then a quick one on my lips. "I'll come too if it will help, or I'll stay away if it won't, but I won't give up anytime soon."

"Thank you, Janet. That means a lot to me."

She called the girls and told them to go to dinner and that we would catch up with them. Rachel spoke passable French from her years of taking it in high school and college, so having her getting the table was good.

We met them and had a good dinner. They were very pensive about their mother and me, but neither of them brought up my leaving the museum. I thought Janet and I handled ourselves well, all things considered. Given how much their mother and them usually talked, I'm sure before morning she would communicate to them that I was staying.

_____________

Sunday. Early morning repeat of bakery, running and shower. The only difference was when I sat to join her on the balcony, I noticed that Janet skipped the robe and just wore her PJs, which seemed different somehow. Like she wasn't as closed off to me as usual, but I was probably reading too much into this.

The night before I went to a local Monoprix and picked up a few things we needed, more coffee, jam and laundry detergent, but I also grabbed a few extra things for breakfast; like fruit and yogurt. I was tired of trying to go it alone on breads.

"Thank you again for the breakfast and picking up the fruit and yogurt. It was a nice change."

"I'm glad you liked it."

"I must admit, I was relieved last night when you came back from the store. There was a small part of me wondering if you would leave without your things."

I had to chuckle a little at this, "Well, if I'm being totally honest here, and I am, I'll admit that thought crossed my mind on the cab ride from the museum yesterday afternoon. I almost went straight to the airport. However, yesterday, I made a promise to you that I would be good through the rest of the trip, and I meant it."

"I know you did, and so did I."

"I know.

The girls drug themselves out for breakfast.

"So are you and the girls still set on the Arc de Triomphe and Rodin museum today?"

She replied, "I think we are little tired of museums. We think we'd like to do some shopping."

"That works for me. I know you weren't very interested in the catacombs, so I can do that today while you shop." I said this with a straight face, but I knew what was coming.

They all jumped on me. "Oh, no you don't. We stood in the rain with you for four days. You can shop with us for one day."

"But you weren't in the rain the whole day." I joked. Of course, that got me punched from both of the girls.

We had a great time. Uh, right. Who am I kidding? They had a great time, and I did my best not to spoil it. But there were a few really nice moments.

We started at the new mall near the Eiffel tower, which was walking distance for us, Beaugrenelle Paris. I asked them why they wanted to go to the mall when there were so many street shops, and they all said to save time and walking. Also, they planned to hit the other places in the afternoon. Oh, joy.

I cannot really complain too much. I had my smartphone if I got really bored, but most of the time they would show me whatever they tried on. Whatever they wanted, I paid. Not that I minded. After transferring the golf bet winnings to my bank account, I could afford it.

I wouldn't let them buy any expensive jewelry, because that was pushing my generosity, but it was fun. They got a few dresses and some nice slacks and blouses. They got some new jeans that were rather tight, but I wasn't complaining when I saw them on Janet. She wore them the rest of the day.

There was one really interesting store, for me - Aubade Lingerie. Gentlemen, let me tell you. Oh yes, this is your store. Lise Charmel is very, very nice too, but THIS is fantastic lingerie. Expensive, but fantastic.

Of course, I tried to play it off by saying, "Uh, I'm sorry girls, but I don't really want to see my daughters try on lingerie."

"Don't worry Dad. We won't do anything to perv you out."

Then surprise of surprises, Janet asks, "would you mind if I modeled some lingerie for you?" She was being playful, but there was something else. I didn't know if it was affirmation of my seeing her in lingerie or a fear of actually having to do it.