TGI Chronicles Pt. 1 Ch. 10

Rose looked at us both. "There are some things I should say before we start. First, this meeting and any others we have are totally confidential. If you're worried about Charlie and work, Tim, don't. Charlie knows this is nothing to do with him. As a counsellor I will tell you that it's best if there are no secrets in a marriage, but there are between Charlie and myself, the things that go on when I'm counselling. Second, and this is really aimed at you Tim for this evening, but applies to you both really, there will be no interruptions when Beth is telling her story. If you've got things to say then keep them to the end." Rose looked at me and then Beth to make sure we had taken her warnings on board.

Then she turned to Beth "Well I think the starting point has to be if Beth can tell us about her life and what happened that led up to her affair with Ken."

Beth looked up at Rose, then at me, "Rose says I don't have to say this, Tim, but I want to. I'll tell you what happened between myself and Ken, but I want you to know that these aren't excuses. There is no excuse for what I did, but maybe they do explain something of why I made such a dreadful mistake."

I didn't answer. So she continued "I think early this year I was tired. Not needing more sleep tired, I was tired of the draining effect that doing the house had cost us. I was fed up that we never had any money or time. I was probably the one that wanted it that way, but I was tired that we had so often had to choose between a good holiday or dining room carpet, a night out at a nice restaurant or new bedroom curtains. Everything we did, every penny we spent was about the house. Now I was the one that wanted us to have a nice home, it was always my idea that we go camping in Scotland rather than flying to the sun, it's not your fault, Tim, and I'm not complaining, but I think it took its toll on me."

Beth stopped and looked at me. Rose seemed to make a short note on her pad. I sat in silence. Beth then went on "There were days when I didn't speak to anyone all day except you Tim. Some days my work might only consist of reading notes and papers, watching some marketing video's and reading and writing some emails. I was grateful if Ken suggested a pub lunch. I never hid that from you Tim. I think I always told you if I had a break with Ken in the pub or a cup of tea at ours or their house in the afternoon, and there was nothing in those early lunches, I promise you."

Again, Rose seemed to make a note. I opened my mouth to say something about how I was pleased if she had gone to lunch with Ken, but Rose held up her hand at me and gave me a look that silenced me. Beth resumed her tale, "I think one of the things that influenced me was whenever I talked to Frances or Bev. They seemed to have such exciting lives. I know they weren't really worthwhile role models, but they did do more than I did. Their lives were pure drama."

At that I did explode. "They're not to be admired. Their lives are a mess." I turned to Rose "Do you know about those two, has she told you? They were Beth's friends at school. Bev is an unmarried mother of two from two different fathers, and she has no man in her life. Frances has ploughed through men and affairs, married men seem to be her speciality, and she's never found true love."

Rose turned to me "Of course I know who they are. But, for all that is wrong with their lives, they had something that Beth didn't, and some influence on Beth's thinking. Now, be quiet and listen. Go on Beth."

Beth looked at me "You're right, Tim. But Frances would be off on some new affair for a weekend in Paris, or Bev was juggling paternal visiting so that the two father's don't meet. And what was my planned weekend - to grout the tiles in the bathroom. Their lives may not be better than mine, but they were a hell of a lot more exciting. And there was another thing. They were always so jealous of me. 'It's alright for you, Beth, you've got Tim' or 'I wish I had a perfect life like you Beth' and my life wasn't perfect because nothing ever happened except choosing new curtaining or flushing out the drains. Do you know I remember some of the girls at work planning a Saturday of clothes shopping. One of them asked me if I'd like to go along, but another replied that I wouldn't be interested unless it was shopping for wallpaper. I made light of it and laughed, but it was true, and it hurt."

She stopped and poured herself a glass of water. "And then there was Ken. He had money, he was successful and assured. He could take me out to lunch and pay more for a single lunch than we would spend on curtains for our bedroom. I knew that what we were doing was for our own future, we were a young couple fighting our way up in life, but it was still lovely to have this man spend all that money on me. And he knew it was a weakness, and he used it."

She took a sip of water before she continued "Ken always flirted, he'd do it right in front of you Tim. It didn't matter, girls get used to dealing with men like Ken, but he could do it with intent. There is a difference between flirting which is just a clever word play game between friends, both of you knowing that it's totally meaningless. But with Ken it was flirting with intent. You knew that he was throwing down a challenge, putting a stake in the ground to show he was interested. It didn't matter, but again it was flattering."

I poured myself a glass of water. Rose made some notes. I looked at Rose to see if she would give me some indication that I could say something, but she just said, "You're doing well, Beth. Keep going."

So Beth took a sip of water and kept going, "Well, on top of the flirting, Ken would often just drop a little hint that adultery was OK. That a little affair could be fun, no one need find out, no one would get hurt. All the usual bullshit. He even went as far as saying it could strengthen a marriage, because you come to realise how important your partner was to you. And this had gone on slowly and carefully over two to three years, him carefully dropping the seeds of an idea. I could happily ignore it, or so I thought. And then, one Friday in early April Ken invited me to lunch, there was nothing special about it. But he made his intentions very obvious. It really worried me, partly because we might have an awkward problem with a neighbour, but also I have to admit I was tempted. I had to talk to you about it, because that's what we always did, we talked about these sort of things, a problem shared and all that. But you came in late that Friday, Perry had been on your back about something, and you were trying to clear your desk to go away on a course for the next week. You came in tired, and upset, and with a DVD of a film you wanted to watch. So we had something to eat and watched the film, then you went to bed, and we didn't talk. Then over the weekend you were a bit depressed because it should have been Paul's birthday weekend, and anyway we were working hard in the garden for most of it. And on Sunday night you left to go to your course, and we never talked. It wasn't your fault, Tim, I'm not blaming you, you'd done nothing wrong. It just happened that way."

She looked at me. I guess I looked rather pale and withdrawn. I remember that weekend. Her description was fairly accurate.

Beth took a deep breath. Rose said "In your own time Beth. Your doing fine."

"Well, on the Monday, Ken called me and asked me to lunch again. I didn't want to go, but he said he knew of a wood near a wonderful restaurant, and the wild daffodils would be out. I knew I had to face him sometime, and seeing wild daffodils did sound lovely, so I went. He gave me a wonderful lunch, he was debonair and attentive and quite witty in his way. And he gave me too much wine to drink, and it was good wine and slipped down easily. He was driving, so it was down to me not to waste it. Well, to cut a long story short, when we got home he came on heavy again, and I gave him a blow job. I'm sorry Tim, but that's what happened. Later on I learnt that a blow job was the height of sexual ecstasy as far as Ken was concerned, and he didn't want a particularly good one at that. He was always easily bought off with a simple blow job."

She wasn't looking at me now, I guess she was scared to. Rose made notes, and poured herself a glass of water. I sat quiet. I don't think it was as bad as I expected, maybe because I knew that this was what I was here to hear.

"I felt dirty after that. I came home and had a bath, but it didn't help much. I cried myself to sleep that night. I swore to myself, never again. The next morning, before I could do anything, a package came through the door. It was from Ken, and was the most beautiful set of lingerie. Bra, panties and garter belt, all in wonderful deep maroon silk with black lace. You didn't have to look at the label to know that this had cost a fortune. I took it and went round there. I told him to take it back, that yesterday was all a mistake, that I loved you. All the things you would expect me to say. He was a perfect gentleman. He accepted all I had to say, he understood. And then he gave me the undies back, I might as well have them anyway. I got home and found them in my hand. I should have thrown them away, but they were so beautiful, so expensive, by far the most expensive clothes I had. So I didn't throw them away, I hid them."

She took another sip of water. He eyes were filling with tears. She took a handkerchief to dab her eyes, and then sat twisting it between her fingers. "Well, on the Thursday he invited me to lunch again. Just as friends you understand, to show there's no hard feeling. And, for some silly romantic notion, I wore the lingerie. Not for him as such, but it just seemed the right thing to do, it had a completeness about it. But he guessed, and he asked and I told him. So, when we got back he demanded a fashion show. He could be demanding, and I guess I felt I owed him that. So I did it, and one thing led to another, and we had sex. Oh Tim, I'm sorry. I didn't want it to happen. I knew I loved you, I knew it was wrong. But I did it, and I have no excuse." she was in floods of tears.

Rose offered her a box of tissues. I sat silently. This is what I needed to hear, but I didn't know what I was meant to say, or what I wanted to say. I just sat there silently. I didn't cry, I didn't protest, I just sat there.

After some minutes, Beth had composed herself. "I went home and cried and cried and cried. I promised myself, never again. I decided that I wouldn't say anything. It would just be my guilty secret. Ken phoned on Friday morning. I just said 'Never again' and put the phone down on him."

She looked up at me. Without looking at Rose I said "So how did this turn into an affair?"

"Well, I was so scared that you would realise something was wrong, but you didn't. Or if you did you didn't say anything. So I thought I could put it behind me. Ken was away that week on some business. When he was back the following week he phoned me and I just put the phone down on him. That went on for some days, then he put a note through the door to say we were neighbours, we had to talk. And that made sense. So I started talking to him again, and he didn't invite me to lunch. After about three or even four weeks from that first time, I went into town one morning to pick up some bits and pieces. When I got back, Ken had his Bentley out on the drive. He asked me if I fancied a spin and maybe some lunch. I thought he meant in the Bentley, and I'd never had a ride in that, so I said yes. As it turned out, he called for me in the Mercedes, he saw my disappointment and used it as an excuse to buy the most expensive lunch ever. And I have to say it was wonderful to sit and choose gloriously expensive dishes and not have to worry about it. Then after lunch we were passing a florist and he went in and bought two dozen red roses for me. Two dozen! It was so wonderfully extravagant! He knew, I knew, that I would have to throw them away before the end of the afternoon, but that didn't stop him. And when we got home, I fell again. I think that was the time I regret most. That was the time that was the start of the slippery slope."

"You traded our marriage for two dozen red roses!" I exclaimed, bitterly.

"No, you know better than that, Tim." interjected Rose. "Now Beth is doing wonderfully well in what is a very difficult story for her to tell. Comments like that don't help. That's why I told you, you have to be quiet. Now, we can take a break if you want, even come back on another day if this is too much. But you cannot interrupt like that." Rose sat back and looked at us both, when neither of us said anything, she looked at Beth "Go on, you're doing fine."

"Well from there it was a quick and easy slide into an affair. At first it was exciting, sex with someone different after nine years of just you Tim. I'm sorry, but it was, not better or worse, just different. And that made it exciting. But very quickly I began to realise that Ken was actually a very selfish man and a lousy lover. He didn't care about me. Sex was missionary position, pump up and down until he was satisfied, then roll off for a drink or a cup of tea. All he cared about was himself. No foreplay or slow games. He just liked taking what he wanted. He did like giving orders, that was as near as we came to anything other than the act itself, 'Undress'. 'Open your legs'. That was the height of a sexy session for him. And he'd swap everything for a blow job. I found I was doing that more and more, because it saved me actually doing anything else. And Ken was selfish and arrogant in other things. He would only talk about things that interested him, usually his keys to success in business or his bloody Bentley. And he would just give orders 'Make me a cup of tea' or 'Pour me a whisky" never please or thank you, never 'would you like one'. I quickly knew I had to bring this to an end."

"And how about me in all that time?" I looked at Rose, but she allowed the question.

"I never lied to you. Frequently I would tell you if I'd been out with Ken. You trusted me, and you never asked questions, except to ask if I had a nice lunch. And I began to understand just the difference between making love to you, the man I loved, and having sex with Ken. There was no comparison. I promise you that Tim. I have learnt just how important and wonderful the sex between lovers is. I'm sorry I learnt it this way."

"Well, Beth, why don't you tell Tim what happened on that Thursday when he came home early." Rose suggested before I could respond to Beth's thoughts on our sex life.

"Well it was probably much as you thought it was. I went round there for lunch. Ken's no cook but he can assemble a wonderful salad lunch and choose the right wine. Then we had sex. It wasn't good for me, and I thought 'I think that's your last time, buddy', but I admit I didn't say anything. Then we went out to the pool, which is where you saw us. And, yes, he did send me for a drink for him, just after he'd told me to take my top off. He really did like to order me around. And, yes, I did strip off in front of him, it was another one of his barked orders, and I complied. I'm sorry. I very nearly told him what he could do with his selfish orders, but I wanted to choose my moment when I wasn't so angry, so I just did as he told me, and then went for a swim. That did make me very cold, and I did want to warm up, just like I told you, Tim. But when we went in, he wanted me again, but I refused and bought him off with another blow job. And then we did have that cup of tea, and yes, he did bore me with his Bentley photographs."

"So the g-string story was a lie?" I asked.

"Yes. Actually I didn't lie. But I did raise the idea and lead you to believe a lie. I'm sorry. But let me get to that bit. I came home to find an angry, slightly drunk husband all over the place with his emotions. I panicked and just wanted to get away whilst I thought out what to do, so I went upstairs for that shower. I already knew that my affair with Ken should be over, and here I was caught on what was probably the very last day of it. I really thought that was bad luck. Why me? Why caught now?"

She looked up at me, but I didn't react.

"I was scared to admit everything, I knew it would devastate you, I knew what we risked, what I had risked. And you weren't in a state to talk sensibly. I decided I had to get over this for the moment, maybe later we would be able to talk, but not then. So, for the first and only time in this whole affair, I prepared to lie to you, I took my g-string and washed it out and hung it up to dry. Then I came downstairs to worm my way out of your accusations. And I think I did OK. I'm sure you weren't totally satisfied, but I thought I might be able to get away with it. But then I asked what would have happened if I had admitted an affair and you said it would be instant divorce. That frightened me."

She paused for another sip of water. "After you'd gone to bed I sat downstairs and thought things through. I knew my affair with Ken was absolutely over, I would finish it with him totally and as soon as possible, that was the easy decision. Then I wanted to confess all, to talk to my friend, my husband, the one I would turn to when I was in trouble. And I couldn't. And I knew you still had some suspicions, or my guilty conscience told me that you should have, and that you would be hurting. I knew that. So, I decided that it would be selfish of me to confess everything just for my piece of mind. Better that I contain it all, and put your mind at rest. So, when I came to bed I guessed you were still lying there awake, and you certainly would have been with the noise I was making. I remember thinking that it was terribly significant that you pretended to be asleep, you weren't prepared to even talk to me. So I kissed you and told you that I would never ever be unfaithful to you. I know that was a promise about the future. I know I worded it that way, but I hoped it would bring you some comfort, and it was the only thing I could say. I didn't want to lie to you, and I did want you to know just how much I loved you."

She was weeping, tears were pouring down her face. Rose offered her the box of tissues again. "I'm sure you will have lots of questions, Tim. And then both of you have plenty to talk about. But I think that's enough for tonight. You both need a little time to understand what you're thinking now. I suggest we get back together on Saturday afternoon, it would suit me as Charlie will be playing golf, and I'm not working. How about you two?"

"No, Rose. I want to ask one more question, now." I was determined, and it showed in my voice. Rose looked at me, but didn't stop me "Beth, but what about Friday morning?"

Beth looked up, tears still running down her face. She sobbed and wiped her nose. "That was possibly the worse bit. If you want to torture someone, then be kind to them went they don't deserve it. But I thought it was best for both of us if I didn't say anything. I really did. I just had to get over this immediate terrible time, I had to be strong and not just throw myself on your mercy. But even then I was wavering, I think I was beginning to look for some way into the right words to confess, and then Jean turned up and the cat was out of the bag." she hung her head and wept.

Beth was still weeping and blowing her nose and sobbing, when Rose stood up to show that the meeting was over. We both agreed to three o'clock on Saturday. I hovered around, not sure what was expected of me, but Rose just told me to go home. So I did.

---

Phil phoned me on the Thursday, to ask how my meeting had gone, and whether I fancied joining them for a meal on the Friday evening. For once, I declined. I know that Denny would only want to talk about the meeting with Rose and Beth, and I didn't want to talk about that. I didn't know how I felt about it, and I had to have my thinking straight by Saturday.