TGI Chronicles Pt. 1 Ch. 11

On the Monday I had a long heart to heart with Dave. Not about Beth, but about the organisation of the department. I wanted him as my deputy, but not in the way that Perry had used me, splitting the department and giving me a separate empire. I wanted Dave to be the project co-ordinator, managing our prime resource of people allocation, and keeping himself well informed on every piece of work. That would mean there was a true deputy in the department, and it would play to both our strengths. He took some persuading. He liked the idea of promotion, but I think he had ideas of his own little empire as I had once had. And, of course, there was always the dichotomy that it would put a gulf between him and his colleagues if he could roam over all their work, but that was the cost of promotion. That bit had to be explained with a pint over lunch.

Once I'd convinced him, I went off to see Neil. He just said yes, he didn't even want to know the details. As far as he was concerned it was up to me to run my department as I saw fit. He just sent me to Charlie to get Dave's pay and rations sorted out.

Then it was back to see Dave and explain all to him. After that it was a process of seeing all the other project managers individually, some took it better than others. Some were genuinely pleased for Dave, others less so. But they were all pleased that we used them as the channel of communication to their teams, rather than a big departmental announcement.

Dave took everyone to the pub after work. I counted myself out, it was better to leave it to him. Instead I went to the gym. After that I went home and phoned Phil. It was time to introduce him to the joys of the Black Swan.

We met that evening, and I could see from his face that he was impressed by the pub, he even commented "This used to be such a dump."

"Yes, but the neighbourhood's going up by leaps and bounds. So much better class of person is moving in."

"Yes, but their letting off their garage apartments to the hoi-polloi." He said with a smile.

"Do you want some gossip, ahead of Denny?"

"Power! Yes please."

So I told him, without the anatomical detail, about the weekend. He just listened, watching me. When I finished a fair but clinical description of Beth's visit, he just said "And?"

"And it was the best sex ever. Better than our honeymoon. Better than our first night. Better than anything we ever achieved when we were together."

"Did it involve whipped cream?"

"No. Why?"

"Well Denny's been going on a bit about how we should experiment more. So I suggested licking whipped cream off her naked body. But she said it would just be wet and sticky and would tickle."

"I think I'm with Denny on that one. Especially if I was the lickee and not the licker."

"Well I shan't invite you for a threesome then! Not if you aren't into whipped cream! Actually, it was something I read in a magazine many years ago, and I thought it sounded fun. But it isn't one of my fetishes or anything."

"You have fetishes?" I asked, with incredulity.

"No. But I might have. I might be a sexual magician of mystery and depth. Usually I'm just grateful." he said with a philosophical smile.

I started thinking aloud, "Anyway. Sex as good as Beth and I had yesterday must mean something. You don't have sex that good unless there's a special something."

"But that's no surprise. Of course Beth is a special something to you. It's just that you don't want to be married to her." He paused to look at me "Or do you? Is this what this is about. You're beginning to think that you might get back together?"

"Well I have been wondering? What do you think?"

"It doesn't matter what I think, or what I would do in your position. You've got to work this one out by yourself."

"I know." I stopped and pointedly looked at our empty glasses. "Your just here to keep me refreshed while I'm on the wrack."

He smiled and went off to get the next round. When he returned, and we'd both taken our first sip of the new pints, I put my glass down "It's all Rose's doing."

"What is?"

"This push the boundaries, keep the sex fresh thing. She had a go at me about it. Had myself and Beth fallen into comfortable routines? Had, unwittingly, Beth got bored? I'm sure she had a go at Beth on the same thing. And Beth would have told Denny, and you're the lucky recipient."

"You could be right. Well done Rose." He raised his glass and toasted her. "Well where does all this leave you? Do you still love her?"

I looked at him, I knew that was sort of the basic question. I took a long draught of beer, to give myself some time. Then I paused to give myself some more time. "Yes, but I thought it was not as much as I once did. And that's not just the pain and hurt, it's that separation does make things fade slowly. But, yesterday...?"

We fell into silence as we both drank. Then Phil asked the next obvious question "And does Beth still love you?"

Again I paused. Again I took a drink. "Yes, or at least she says she does. But I think even for her it was less than she used to. That was a bit of a shaker, not at all good for my ego, but it's probably fair and right. I hurt her when I walked out, and she is damaged by what she's done. She's changed, you know, Phil."

"In what way?" He asked, once he'd put his glass down.

"She's more confidant. She's faced up to a side of herself that she doesn't like, and accepted it and decided to cope with it. And she's more sexual than ever."

"Well that's two good changes I would have thought. Not that she wasn't sexual to start with." He paused. "Not that I have any reason to say that, you understand."

"Yes, you're right. If I did go back, and if we could make it work, then it might be rather fun in parts." I smiled. I took a last long draught as I considered the possibility of being back with a Beth as she had been this weekend, and put my glass down.

Phil followed suit, emptying his glass and putting it on the table. I went on thinking, sitting there in silence. Phil watched me, waiting quietly.

Then he spoke. "You've changed you know."

"Have I? How?"

"Well there was a time when you would get your round in without question. But these days..." I got up with the two glasses.

When I returned, he took his glass and had a sip, then he looked at me, "If you think you want to try to make it work, well why not have a trial reconciliation? Get back together, with no promises. But you would have to be convinced that you can really make it work, you can't ignore how badly she hurt you, you know, Tim. And she can't ignore how badly she went off the rails. I'm sure it would be tough. But it seems to me that if you both have changed enough and you both really want it, then just maybe..."

"No. Just going back with the idea that either of us could walk out at anytime? Well that would pretty well guarantee that one of us would walk out at some time. If it were to happen, it would have to be a bigger commitment than that, something to get us over the rough times, because there would be rough times. Even when she was there this weekend, it still hurt to look at her sometimes and to remember something of what she did, or when she mentioned something to do with what went wrong. That's my fear that those painful memories become too much, or that the walking on eggshells gets to be too much."

"Well, do what Denny always says we're going to have to do. Go back to Church and take your vows again. Both of you committing yourselves to the new relationship. Or how about just dating? No commitments, just boy and girl stuff."

"No, that doesn't make sense. Role play sort of stuff has always struck me as a load of rubbish. I am who I am, the situation is as it is. We can't go back to just dating, it may work for some people, but not me."

"Well I've run out of suggestions then."

"Well, while I think, tell me about you and Denny taking your vows again. What have you done wrong that warrants that?"

"Nothing. Denny has always said that she wants to refresh everything and make us understand our commitment by taking our vows every ten years say. I've always known that, it's a big thing with her. Personally I couldn't care less, but if that's what she wants to do, well I don't object. Especially if her father will pay for the booze up afterwards again."

"I don't think it works like that."

"Bugger. Well that's off then. No bloody point."

Not long after that we finished our pints. He wandered off towards the taxi rank at the bottom of the High Street and I went home.

Not really a lot happened after that, all week. On the Friday night I met Phil and Denny for a curry. Denny was full of unasked questions. Eventually she could contain herself no longer, she just had to say something, "You had an interesting weekend last week I hear."

"Yes. I told Phil about it. I can't believe he didn't tell you. Or were you too busy expanding your horizons or making sure you didn't get to comfortable and stale, if you know what I mean." I responded with a leer, hoping to kill her line of attack.

Phil looked up at this "Oh. Yes I told her. Monday night, as soon as I got home. But what I didn't tell her, because I didn't know 'til Denny saw Beth last night is that you're taking Beth to The Lobster Pot for her birthday. Does that imply a decision?"

"No, well not in the way you mean. I'm taking her there just because it seems a nice thing to do. But I've sort of set it as a sort of milestone for making up my mind as to what I want to do."

"Well, if you do want to try to get back together, I'd get on with it. She said that she isn't going to ask you, she doesn't think she has the right to do that, she's waiting for you to do something. And, anyway, she feels she's done her bit when she turned up last Saturday, undressed to the nines."

Phil looked up again "Er. What's that?"

Denny looked at him, with a smile of triumph "I didn't tell you that bit. Just in case you had some idea that I would do it for you. I don't want to catch double pneumonia even for you my love. Let's just say Beth was dressed appropriately for her purpose."

"You were saying. About Beth not doing any more?" I felt that Denny hadn't quite finished.

"Oh. Nothing except that she is changing by the week. She's just getting more and more confidant about her own future. Some guy will spot her if you don't. She won't wait forever."

Phil looked round. "When is Beth's birthday, anyway? I guess I should know, but I don't."

"The twenty-fifth. Exactly two weeks from today." I answered him.

"Oh well, Tim. Go on being indecisive 'til the last moment. I enjoy the beer." Was Phil's final, unhelpful piece of advice.

That weekend I went to the gym on both Saturday and Sunday, not that I was uptight or anything. On the Sunday evening I got very maudlin with the aid of some whisky, sitting in front of my first log fire of the season. Every bit of the hurt and pain of it all came back to me, and I cried. I went to bed thinking I can't go back for more of this.

Then, on Monday morning I got up to the question 'Will it be any less painful if you don't go back? Does not going back somehow cut out the pain?'

On Monday lunchtime, I tried strolling along the river bank, by myself, to the seat. I sat there. It was raining and cold. The weather and myself were in unison, we were both miserable. I had to decide something, I knew I was putting pressure on myself, quite unnecessarily, to come up with a decision, but that was me. I'd set myself a target date to make up my mind, and I had to meet it.

By Tuesday I had progressed. If I couldn't make up my mind, then I had to give myself the tools to be able to do so. I decided to go to Ireland at the weekend, to see Mum and Dad. Maybe to talk to them, and even less likely, maybe to take their advice. Certainly to sit and stare out to sea until I understood myself well enough to know what I wanted to do.

So that afternoon, I went to see Neil and ask for Friday off. He didn't like that. But I said I needed the time, I gave him enough of a hint that this was deeply personal and important and in the end he gave me the day off and wished me luck. I phoned Mum and Dad and warned them of my imminent arrival. They were delighted.

For the rest of the week, I was more relaxed. I'd given myself a schedule, and a time and place to take the right decision. I didn't even think about the problem very much. I did realise that whatever I decided, I had to back it up with positive action to make it a success. I either had to have a proposal for Beth on how we might proceed, or a plan on how I was going to get out there and start dating again, with all the pain and uncertainty that that brings.

The weekend in Ireland wasn't much fun. The journey was lousy. The plane was full of a very noisy bunch of lads going over for some sporting fixture, rugby I think but I wasn't sure. Then the hire company had had a problem with my booking, the car they scheduled for me had been returned late, and wasn't cleaned, would that be all right? No it bloody well wouldn't be all right. Eventually they upgraded me to a better car that they had spare. Then it was a long drive by myself, in the rain, on a road I didn't know well. And then there was that tension of the first night back, with Mum and Dad not knowing what to say, so painfully trying not to say anything.

By Saturday, things got easier. Dad's advice was simple and clear cut. Ditch the bitch. It was so quickly and easily given that he devalued it because he hadn't really listened. But if Beth and myself did get back together then Dad had put himself in an interesting position with me and his daughter-in-law.

Mum's thinking was more cautious She really didn't want to give any advice, she was more concerned to support me in whatever I decided. Kind as that was, it didn't help much.

The sea helped. It stopped raining, and I sat and looked at it for a long time. By Sunday afternoon I was going home in a happier mood. I had made a decision and I had a plan of action. For the first time in months I knew what I wanted to do, with as much certainty as when I knew I wanted Perry's job.

On the Friday I drove out to the house to pick up Beth. It was the first time I'd been there in months. I noticed that we now had a 'For Sale' sign up, which meant that Rose was getting on with her work. I didn't go in, I didn't want to risk anything, so I just pipped my horn and Beth came out. She looked a million dollars. She was wearing the coat of her visit to Blindside, but I assumed she was slightly more conservatively dressed under it. She jumped into the car.

"Nice car. I remembered that I was rather disparaging of you getting a sports car. I'm sorry."

"Well this was a bit of luck really. Company car policy avoided all sports cars or specifically excluded them from some manufacturers, because of the higher insurance costs I guess. But they listed 'all BMWs', I guess from before the time BMW started making sports cars and then it was just a matter of cost for my status. So I asked for this. Charlie was a bit upset that I'd spotted the gap, but then he let me get away with it, he couldn't really say anything, it had said all BMWs were acceptable.

"Denny told me you got promotion. I assume that you got Perry's old job. What happened to him?"

"Axed." I said.

"Oh."

We chatted amicably all the way to The Lobster Pot. I was lucky and found a space in their too small car park. Normally they can't get all their patrons in. Beth handed her coat over, under it she was wearing a beautiful blue dress, I couldn't say much about style and material, but it was wonderfully too short, and I'm sure she had no bra on, her breasts seemed to move softly and tantalisingly. "You look gorgeous."

"Why thank you, kind sir. Actually, it was an extra birthday present from Daddy. When I told him you were taking me to dinner tonight he told me to go and buy a new dress, no expense spared. So I did, and he hasn't seen what no expense spared means yet."

We chose to sit at our table for our pre-dinner drinks. Once they arrived, we perused the menu and made our decisions. Once that was done, I thought there is no point in hanging around. I owed it to her to be clear as to whether this was just a friendly dinner for her birthday or something more.

"Beth, I haven't actually bought you a birthday present..."

She looked disappointed. "Oh, that's all right, Tim. I didn't really expect one."

At that point the waiter turned up to take our order. Once we had got that out of the way, I was about to start speaking again, when Beth held up her hand to stop me, and then the wine waiter turned up to take our wine order, she must have seen him approaching.

Once he was dealt with, I started again. "Beth, I would like for us to try again...."

Her eyes filled up with tears. She found her purse and opened it, by which time I was holding out my handkerchief. Once she had wiped her eyes I started yet again, "Beth, I would like for us to try again, but I've some plans and ideas that you will need to think about."

"OK, What plans." She was serious.

"Well, I think we should start with a damn good holiday. Somewhere where there's miles of soft white beaches and palm trees and sunshine at this time of year. I don't really care where, Seychelles, Caribbean, Bali wherever you fancy."

"I could manage that bit."

"Well I want that holiday to be the sexiest most passionate time we've had in a long time. We have some catching up to do, and I don't mean just the last few months, maybe before that we had lived a comfortable routine but without an eye on the ball."

"OK. And what else."

"Well, I've some very dirty ideas about the holiday, but I'll come back to that. Then I think we have got to just try to make it work. I know it won't be easy. There will be times when all the pain and all the hurt and even the anger will come back to me. To the point that I might not want to go on. But then again, you might decide that you don't want to go on trying to live with a man who gets angry and depressed and throws your mistake back at you, who makes horrid barbed comments just when you don't need them. And I know you've got a lot of pain and remorse to work out. It won't be easy, and we both have to accept that it might all come to a painful end."

"Oh I hope not. I'll do my best, I promise Tim."

"We both will. And then there will come a time when we both feel that we're over the worst. That we can look forward with confidence. I want to aim that we go back to Church just before my birthday, in April of early May say, and take our vows again." I didn't say 'and you'll have to try to keep them this time' which was the nasty barbed comment in my head, I had some learning of new habits to do. I went on "To make a fresh start. No one else has to be there, or just a few if we want them, but that we recommit ourselves to each other forever. But only after we know we really can do it this time and not just because we want to, like now."

"That's a lovely idea. Did you know that Denny and Phil intend to do that on their tenth wedding anniversary?"

"Yes. Or well Denny wants to and Phil is happy to do so was the way he explained it to me. But it was them that made me think of it. But then, on my thirty-first birthday, if all goes well, and one year late, I do want you to come off the pill. Only if you feel happy to, but I would really like us to have children once we both know we're over this problem."

"Well I won't promise that one now. But it would be lovely if we both felt that the time was right. And yes, I say yes to all your ideas. I do love you Tim. I'm so sorry for what I did." Her eyes began to fill again.

"Well your first lesson must be that you mustn't keep saying you're sorry. I don't want some doormat back. I want a feisty, confidant, very sexy, intelligent wonderful woman for my wife. Or do you think I deserve less?"