The Acceptance of Cassie Ch. 09

Ch.9 - Identity

Cassie felt intoxicated. She was kneeling on her bedroom floor, in front of her mirrored wardrobe door, the sheer heat of a cock in front of her face. Yet she felt clearer than she had in a long time. Perhaps even clearer than before she met Anna. The warmth emanating from the penis seemed to vibrate with primal sexuality and licentiousness, her eyes like solar panels absorbing their energy. It demanded worship, this idol of sex that she lusted for. The affirmation of everything she had worked toward, all the fears and doubts she had allayed to this point, sat at her feet. She looked in the mirror, the throbbing member pressing against her feminine cheek, framed by her shoulder length, cascading brunette hair and complimented by her budding little breasts. Her smooth legs felt the fibres of the carpet against her frictionless shins. This is who I always wanted to be. She thought, turning her gaze away from the mirror to envelop the head of the pulsating dick into her mouth.

Cassie thought back to the six months, since she had moved into her own place, that had led her inevitably to this moment. She was glad of all of it. Even the hard days. Because without the hard days to contrast them, the good ones couldn't have been nearly as good.

Sexuality and gender are a spectrum you can never fully appreciate until you explore their lengths. They are a fluid, ever changing thing. Yet there is consistency to an environment, a landscape, and weather may change it every day. Andy was one such landscape. His fetishes, his behaviours, his appearance, were a vista, coloured everyday by the changing fluidity of his own sexuality. All it took was some exploring for him to finally notice the patterns, and to predict the weather that coloured his doubts and fears about his identity. Sometimes it was easy to believe that gender was just a "one and done" decision. But his gender, and his sexuality, possessed valleys and mountains which he never knew existed. That was, until he realised he was also Cassie. And being called she sent tingles down her spine.

In Australia, the transition process isn't as bad as other places in the world. Sure, it depends on the medical professionals and the people around an individual. But for Andy, he was surrounded more and more each day by good people. He remembers the first conversation with his doctor sometimes. He remembers the sweat on his back and the shaking in his knees, and how quickly it went away when doctor just said "okay, cool!" and gave him a referral to a gender clinic.

It's been at least six months since then. So long that even her sweat smells different.

The doctor at the gender clinic requested small changes first, and Andy was obliging. It started easy. The painted nails and toenails. The lengthening hair. The open discussions at work with the women who complimented her on her skin, her hair, her nails, now so much nicer with a routine to care for them. The women definitely knew what was going on before the men did. They always saw the finer things. And it felt good to be seen.

Sometimes there were doubtful days. But for every one of those, there were ten of wonderful affirmation. Often a doubt would be spurred by a quizzical glance from a male co-worker, or a man on the street. Yet for the most part, Andy was left alone, and he became more himself. More of Cassie as well.

Small introductions to hormones came next, even though Andy wasn't sure he wanted that. He thought he could try, and stop anytime, if he felt it wasn't really for him. He was surprised that for the first few weeks, nothing really happened. He felt like he was constantly waiting to wake up one morning and feel new. There was no shocking realization of a mistake or of a solution. There was no calm or even upheaval. Life just continued, until one morning he woke up and saw his nipples sitting on a little bump. And over the course of a few weeks, the bump grew into budding breasts. And he masturbated to the thought of Cassie's little boobs twice everyday for a week. Then he started to notice his chest hair becoming easier to shave, or less thick. And his armpits. And his face. Or did he just imagine that? All of it just seemed to make him more comfortable with being a her every day.

Laser hair removal came next, as though it would allay all doubts about her beliefs that her hair was slowly becoming less present. Over the course of a few weeks, she splurged and had all her groin, backside, and face done. She decided that it was worth spending a lot in one go, albeit a little impulsively, because the taste of less effortful smooth skin made him wild with lust and glee. Of course, it all happened over multiple visits spaced out weeks at a time, but she paid for it all upfront. She saved money for her chest and armpits a little longer, and after a few more months, She could finally get them done too.

She started to think her skin was softer too, but was unsure if she was making that up, or if it was just that she paid more attention to his skin. Caring about the femininity of your appearance was hard work, and Andy had a new appreciation for women. It was hard work staying beautiful.

A decline in libido was expected but not the huge decline she dreaded. She stopped seeking external affirmation from Grindr guys and started having calmer nights in. She still found himself horny all the time, but she was horny for himself. And she called Edwina often for some fun, which she usually happily obliged to.

Life moved at a steady rhythm. She even went to a gym often, dressing in more masculine clothing at first, before opting for more androgynous booty shorts and big baggy jumpers in feminine colours like pink, tangerine, and apricot. Her bum started to fill out, winding up a round plushness, making his hips seem wider and her figure more full. She let his arms stay skinny, always focusing on legs and a lovely flat core. Sometimes, she swore, some of the muscle men would sneak glances at her as she left. She loved to masturbate just to the thought of them pleasing themselves over his smooth legs and feminine form. Even though she often tried to stay androgynous.

It had taken a few weeks at first after moving in to apologise to Edwina, but she did it. She had to deeply examine her own withdrawn behaviour to help Eddie understand it too, but Eddie was very understanding. It took a few more weeks for them to discuss his changing pronouns. He/she in public now. Edwina likened him to a drag queen, and Cassie reflected on her favourite quote from RuPaul "You can call me he. You can call me she. You can call me Regis and Kathie Lee; I don't care! Just as long as you call me."

Edwina beamed at this and happily called out Cassie in a crowded Café, to which Andy blushed, and sipped her latte.

The transition wasn't really to female, Andy came to realise. It was more toward feminine. It was to soft skin and long hair. It was away from hairy armpits and sweaty backs to smooth legs and filed nails. She didn't mind still being called Andy, but it felt like a more feminine Andy. Like it was Andrea, or a standalone "Andy" that needn't have the implied "Andrew". For that exact reason she never changed it with people who already knew him. He just started spelling it as Andi because it felt more girly. And that suited her just fine.

Cassie, as a name, became something not unlike a stage name, or a superhero alias, that only Edwina, Mark, and some others knew. But he started to give out the name Andi too, to strangers and people he met through Edwina. It seemed to help with the integration of her new self into her new, changing, body.

The sex was better too. Mark was a regular fuckbuddy and praised her for her budding breasts. Edwina came over and shared stories of her exploits. Andi's life began to take shape around her new apartment, slowly filling with more furniture, more clothes, more belongings that seemed to herald a new beginning into a new life. A more feminine life. She seemed to fill her own role in the bedroom too, usually on the bottom, but riding with more confidence, pushing back on a cock more eagerly, and happily letting her supple cock and balls bounce along to the thrusting rhythm of whoever's hips pounded her. Each time she looked down, she could swear that her little balls became even smaller.

Sometimes, she resented the sissy sexuality. Sometimes she resented the sexualisation and depravity of it all. Especially the humiliation. And yet, she caught herself, because without it, she never would have become comfortable being all aspects of herself so wholly in her life.

Yet it all seemed to come together for Andi, kneeling on her floor, 6-months into her life lived in her apartment alone, about to suck Mark's cock for likely the hundredth time. She kept stealing glances at herself in the mirror, seeing her skin practically glowing in the lamplight and her hair sitting lightly on her shoulders. She was almost unfocused on her task, more engaged in the divine image of her femininity in the mirror. The femininity was effortless now. And that was a huge accomplishment.

She stopped for a moment, drawing back to give a playful kiss to the tip of Mark's penis, and asked him: "Hey Mark?"

"Yeah Cass?" He said, looking down smilingly at her.

"Can you take a picture?"

"What, like now?"

"Yes please" she said, with a gleeful smirk.

"Alrighty," he says, with a groan, turning away and grabbing his phone.

As soon as he comes back to Andi's kneeling form, her hands on her knees, she immediately resumed sucking him off while he snaps a few pictures from above.

"Hang on," Mark says, making Andi pause. Mark reached down and pulled Andi's hair behind her ears, holding it in a bunched fist, "now keep going."

Andi obliged, bobbing forward and backward on Mark's unceasingly throbbing cock, taking him as deep as she could every few dozen strokes. All the while she could hear Mark tap away at the phone, the snapshot sound interrupting the gurgles and sputters of her mouth vacuuming his cock.

The sounds eventually stopped to be replaced by Mark's loud groans. This kept going for a few minutes, until Andi developed a sore jaw and took a brief break, using her hand to jerk Mark off. Taking the cock up in hands, she looked at his own dainty fingernails clasping Mark's rotund cock, her fingers barely getting all the way around, and thought just at the sight of the fingernails: yes, this is me.

She looked up at Mark and was surprised to see him still holding the phone. She giggled, realising he was videoing her.

"Thought a video might be good too."

"Great idea," she smiled.

"Good girl."

"Can I ride you now?" Andi asks.

"Shit, I'm already so close... I'll hold on for you if you're a real good girl?"

"I'll be good" Andi says, pecking the tip of Mark's cock once again, causing Mark to briefly shudder.

They detached, Andi rising to his feet and Mark laying down on Andi's bed. Andi asks him to turn a little, so he can watch himself from the side, riding Mark, in his wardrobe mirror. Mark obliges and offers to film them again. Andi happily says yes.

As Andi clambers onto the bed, grabbing a bottle of lube as he does so, Mark shoots out a hand to grasp Andi's half-hard dick, taking the cock and balls fully in one hand.

"You barely get fully hard anymore, do you?" He asks, smirking at Andi.

"Not really," Andi confirms, "but I sure still can cum."

"Show me then," Mark says, letting go of Andi's dick and laying back on the bed.

As Andi gets her knees onto the bed, she pumps some lube out and expertly places some on her ultra-smooth hole, lasered clean of hair, and coats Mark's dick with the rest, stroking it up and down his length. She edges her body onto Mark's, her knees either side of his hips, and begins to tease the head of his dick with the lubricated precipice of her butthole. Mark groans with pleasure, his eyes shut and his smile wide. She always takes him raw now, them trusting each other to be communicative about their STD tests and partners.

She eases herself down onto the dick, in regular cowgirl, slowly until it passes through the ring of her hole. She looks at the mirror again. In the reflection, her thighs only just obscure the view of her hanging chub and her little testicles and make her look just like a biological female, easing herself onto the dick of her man. With that sentiment alone, she almost cums, but when she leans further and takes Mark's full length inside her, she gasps, and Mark groans, his raw dick twitching deep inside her intestines, each shudder reverberating through her whole body.

A few months ago, she might have cum from that alone. Sure, with the hormones now, it's harder to cum, but not impossible. That shuddering was a dry orgasm alone. When she settles, she starts to ride him, alternating between feeling his length exit her and then press deep up against her insides again. It all still feels like fucking ecstasy to her, anyway. Cumming is just one small part of sex.

It barely takes a few minutes of riding before Mark says he's close.

"Fuck, already?" Andi says, stopping the pace and settling with Mark's dick just sitting stationary deep within her bowels.

"I warned you!" He laughs, "I guess you haven't been a good enough girl."

"What do you do to bad girls then?" Andi asks, feeling Mark's dick flex and twitch inside him.

"Roll over and find out." Mark says.

Andi exits Mark with a gleeful 'pop' and lays on the bed, while he hastily rolls over, dragging her by the hips to the edge of the bed, positioning himself off the mattress for missionary. He wastes no time, immediately entering her again, causing Andi to gasp with sudden pain but groan instantly later with the blooming pleasure of her prostate being pounded again, and again, and again.

"Ask me for it!" Mark shouts, his face reddening and the veins on his neck becoming more prominent.

"Give me your cum Mark! I want your cum deep inside me!"

"UGH!!" Mark groans, all the blood seeming to rush to his head as his face freezes in a grotesque ecstasy of pleasure and release. Andi feels his dick pulsate inside him and swears she can feel the gooey cum churned into her inside.

Mark leans down and kisses one of Andi's nipples, playing with it as his cock flexes a few more times, then exits her hole.

"Awww" Andi groans, "I like it when you stay inside me"

"Oh bugger, sorry Cass" Mark says, moving up to apologetically kiss her on the mouth, while keeping one hand on her sensitive asshole, ready for the cum to dribble out of it.

"It's alright..." Andi says, smiling back at him, feeling the cum slowly dribbling out of his hole and collecting on Mark's open hand. They are accustomed to this routine now.

"Did you cum?" Mark asks.

"Not yet. I've been a particularly bad girl today."

"How would you like to?" Mark asks, being the kind partner that Andi had now learnt that he was.

"Remember that video you took?"

"Sure do."

"Show it to me while you jerk me off?"

"With pleasure."

Mark rolls over beside Andi, collecting his phone as he does with the spare hand not holding the cum he just collected from Andi's butt. He unlocks the phone with one hand, finding the video amongst a myriad of other pictures he had taken from above not long before. Andi lays back, presenting her floppy dick to Mark's spare hand. Andi swiftly decides to use her own hands to play with her nipples. Mark then dumps all the cum he collected from Andi's hole onto Andi's dick, using it as lube to play with him. Andi gasps at the warmth of the fluid suddenly deposited on his dick, driving him wild with lust.

In the first video, Andi sees that from Mark's point of view, she bobs forward and back like a vigorous cocksucker. Mark fondles Andi with just his thumb and forefinger, running along the length of her little dicklet, while she watches the video. Andi can hear her playful gurgles and groans and could feel herself getting harder in Mark's fingers just at hearing it. But Mark calling her a good girl gets her the hardest of all.

She feels her whole body start to shudder within two minutes, and Mark quickly changes to halfway through the video of her riding him in cowgirl instead. The sight of her dick bouncing up and down as she rides makes her shudder again, and Mark picks up the pace, jerking Andi's jelly-like cock. Mark kisses Andy's shoulder a few times, answered by some small girly moans, until Andi gasps, ecstatically spasming and letting out a few small ropes of watery feminine cum. But the orgasmic shudders within Andi keep going and going, causing her to shut her eyes and gasp more, until finally subsiding long after Mark let go of her cock.

"Mmm" she groans, untensing her rigid body that was seconds before wracked with glee.

"Good girl" Mark says, kissing Andi on the cheek.

Andi opens her eyes and looks down at her drying cum on her stomach, then turns her gaze to Mark's dick. It already looks harder than hers was able to get most of the night.

"Ready to go again?" She asks, with a wink.

"You have strange effects on me, Cassie," Mark laughs, "And I'd not say no to another romp in that ass."

"Well where were we then?" Andi says, moving her hand down to Mark's already engorging dick.

"Clean up your mess first though." Mark says, moving his gaze to her stomach.

Andi, cheekily, moved her hands down to her stomach, cupping the cum in her hand and moving it to her mouth. Even her own cum tasted different these days. Did she imagine it was sweeter? Was this what girl cum tasted like?

Naturally, it took Mark even longer to cum the second time, which suited Andi just fine. As Mark railed her from behind, Andi had a powerful dry orgasm, reverberating through her body like electric waves all originating from deep within her ass. It was ecstasy, and the clenching of her sphincter made Mark grunt with pleasure.

They showered together afterward, Andi still taking pleasure from the novelty of rubbing her smooth skin with soap and feeling the absence of prickly hairs even in between the cheeks of her ass. They idly chatted sometimes, and Mark would tell her about work, or his other sexual exploits. But he said Cassie was his favourite.

"You know, I don't think my love of the gloryholes is ever gonna go away," Andi said, idly pondering at they dressed in her bedroom.

"Really? You just love sucking dick that much?" Mark replied, curiously.

"I think at first it was just something fun, something anonymous that didn't make me risk anything except maybe an STD or a stinky dick. But I don't know... I think I just love the idea that I was the one who made these guys cum."

"And it's how you met me, too, doll"

"And I'm glad I did." Andi said with a smirk. And she meant it.

Almost every night, she would think of Anna. It might be a normal night, or it could be after Mark left (he never stayed, even after all this time), or it might even be with Edwina lying next to her. It didn't matter who it was. Her thoughts would just go there, again. It reminded her of her first love. Like it would never be the same as that first time. Yet Anna wasn't her first time with dick, for sure. Yet it was her first-time taking dick and really feeling like it was right.

Sometimes, the thoughts would make her feel really lonely. The type of loneliness that masturbation only made feel worse. So she would spend time looking for Anna on social media. Or scrolling their messages and reading over them again. It would rarely help. And for some months this went on, and Andi continued to sleep with Mark, or Edwina, or whoever she met on Grindr. Her femininity kept stabilising, she came out to her parents, and life continued to be life.

Until one Sunday, she walked out of her apartment building, headphones in and completely on autopilot for the walk to the shops. And there was Anna, outside her apartment building, waiting for her.