The Actress

But what would I have done if you had? I wouldn't have, I couldn't have... It was nice for the time being, the fun and games, but it's probably for the best. It should really end here. Where would it go, anyway? What was I expecting? Still, you dismiss me so easily...

She looked at me, disappointment clearly colouring her expression. It was interesting how acting could be so brilliant on screen or stage, yet so difficult in real life. I felt cruel for playing with her, but maintained my act a little longer.

"That would be great, thank you," she lied, not meeting my eyes.

Mixed emotions brought her face alive like brilliant yet disturbing painting. I suppressed the urge to hug her and tell her I was joking.

"Unless... Hey, I still have that bottle of wine I bought..." I had thought about this as we were leaving the pub but I pretended it had only just occurred to me. Another brilliant performance, if I said so myself. "Do you fancy a glass?"

What? Oh, right, from the supermarket. It feels like a lifetime ago that we were there! Do I want a glass? Hell yes! Because that means I get to stay and chat to you a bit longer...

Wait, what is going on with me? When did I get this desperate? Probably around the time I started feeling this attracted to you. What have you done to me? You make me feel like a teenager all over again. I do not really need to relive that time...

Although I'd forgotten what this feels like; to be so into someone without even really know much about them, without really knowing why.

She was not very successful in hiding her enthusiasm for this idea. But she saw a snag: "You didn't steal any glasses from the pub, did you?"

"I half assumed you would have some in your massive handbag, since they are also essential." I wasn't planning on needing glasses here, but I was going along with her line of thought.

She pulled a sad face. "I'm sorry to disappoint you. I do have an opener, though." She laughed and showed me a full-size corkscrew.

"Of course you do! Absolutely essential, that. Also good for self-defence, I guess. Don't let them see you with it. I'm not sure you're supposed to carry things like that."

"Well, sometimes after a long day on the set, you just need a little tipple to unwind. There's usually a bottle or two and some glasses floating around backstage," she said carelessly, clearing slipping out of character.

I was shocked and tried to keep the surprise from my face. I had to rectify this, sweep it under the carpet somehow.

"Yeah, I can imagine. You must have really long days: rushing all over to collect your materials and then having to write it up after."

It was a feeble attempt to twist her comment but it was the best I could do on the spot. I hoped I had made it sound casual enough.

She looked at me, confused at first, immediately followed by a hint of panic.

Oh my god, what did I just say? I was talking about the set and backstage, wasn't I? That was stupid! I completely forgot that I'm pretending to be someone else here.

This is how at ease you make me feel. It's like I've known you forever and you just accept me for who I am. But that's only because you don't know who I am. I don't think you noticed my slip there, did you? God, I have to be more careful!

She recovered quickly: "Yes, exactly!" After a moment she added: "So anyway... We could drink from the bottle?"

I could see it was said only half in jest. I was amazed by her determination. She clearly did not expect many people to walk past here at this time of night. Still, it could absolutely ruin her reputation to be seen here doing that. I was not planning on being the cause of a ruined reputation.

"On the sidewalk, in front of a closed pub? What a classy bird you are. I'm sure you were raised better than that."

My father would turn in his grave if he saw me behaving like a slutty teenager, desperately trying to stay here with you, whatever it takes. You're right: bad plan...

She laughed. "Oh all right then, smart-ass, what's your suggestion?"

Please say you have one. Please tell me you have another idea... Because I swear to god I will crack open this bottle and I will sit somewhere on a park bench with you all night, if that's what it takes. Talking of desperate measures... Get a grip, woman!

"We could just go to my house for a nightcap. I live just around the corner."

"You do?" She clearly hadn't seen that one coming. She hesitated.

What? That's an important detail to leave out! And an interesting option... But it wouldn't just be a nightcap, would it? So you are asking me to come home with you, after all...

Am I really up for that? Having a drink was great, and, god, the flirting was amazing... You had me in quite the state earlier! But going home with you...?

You're essentially still a total stranger. I can't do that. I shouldn't. That's just not me. I've never done that before, especially with another woman! And besides that, it would be totally irresponsible. And at my age... What if someone found out? What if it leaks and ends up online? What if people read about it? Oh god, what if the kids read about it?!

I could see her getting stressed out, so many questions going through her mind in that brief moment. It was important I gave her the time to reach her own decision, as much as I wanted to convince her she really should come along. I waited, casually sliding my hands in the pockets of my leather jacket. It was a bit too chilly to be standing out here, perhaps her sub-conscience would get the hint.

Oh my god, what do I do? Who would you even tell? How could this possibly leak if you have no clue who I am? This has just been such a roller-coaster! I didn't expect to be feeling this way. What does that even mean, that I'm feeling this way about you?

I think I'm really into you. It's been so amazing all night and I could certainly do with some action. My body is craving it, you made sure of that. You awakened it; damn you! It's been so long... I can feel myself heating up again now, just thinking about it...

And you are so great, and so hot... And I kinda want to see if you can put your money where your mouth is. I want... you... God, I really do! Oh, to hell with it. I deserve this!

"Oh, go on then, it beats standing on this street corner in the cold," she spoke at last, managing surprisingly well to sound casual this time.

My insides somersaulted but I tried to keep it cool. It had never mattered this much to me whether a woman came home with me or not. It wasn't just that I wanted to sleep with her. I genuinely liked getting to know her, and really enjoyed talking to her. I would hate it if she would walk away now and I would never see her again. So, next step, we just needed to make it to the house without her changing her mind.

We walked back to my street. Supposedly coincidentally, this was also the one where we'd left her car earlier. She only realised that as we were practically standing next to it.

"We're back at my car...," she said, suspicious and confused.

I thought for a second and acted quickly: "Wait a minute... You parked your car right outside my house? Are you stalking me or something?"

She couldn't suppress a laugh and then stared at me, realisation dawning.

"You planned this, didn't you?" She pretended to be upset.

So you have more tricks up your sleeve, sneaky! So cocksure, thinking I would naturally end up at your house... So you were playing me more than you let on? I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. I quite like your self-confidence...

"It's a safe street to leave your car," I grinned, enjoying the prolonged play and relieved that she wasn't genuinely perturbed by my little set-up.

"And so convenient for when you'd woo me and take me home later!" She was struggling to keep up her pretence of being dismayed. She was a bit shocked, but clearly more amused than troubled.

"Woo you?" I laughed, resisting the temptation to joke about her old-fashioned phrase. "You were wooed by me?"

"Of course I was! And it was all part of your plan from the moment you saw me, it appears."

Clearly, you made me think I was playing with you but meanwhile I was the one being played. I need to up my game and pay attention! Not that I mind your little master-plan...

"I may have set the scene a little bit." I winked at her.

As she opened her mouth indignantly, I turned away from her with a smile and walked towards my house. "Are you coming?"

She shook her head in disbelief and stood there for a moment, then followed and caught up with me as I reached the front door. She stepped between me and the door.

Oh god, this is really happening... I'm about to enter your house - and wherever that may lead. This is all so new... What if I don't know what to do? What if I'm not into it? This is nerve-racking!

"Wait... Erm... Just wait a minute..."

She seemed suddenly unsure of herself, looking down, averting her eyes. She was standing so close to me now. The wind blew a strand of her hair into my face and I could smell a remnant of her shampoo: fruity, feminine. It took all I had not to kiss her. She had to be sure she wanted this first.

"What's wrong?" I asked kindly, parking the cool routine for a moment. 'Please don't freak out on me now,' I couldn't help but think.

She touched the front of my jacket and let her fingers slide down the zipper absentmindedly.

"I... I've never done this before."

She looked into my eyes. I melted. She looked so fragile and sincere. Even this woman who was adored by most of the world's population clearly needed to be reassured every now and then.

"Gone home with someone?" I knew it wasn't what she meant, but there really wasn't much of a difference and I wanted to lighten the mood.

You're going to make me say it, aren't you? You know full on well what I mean, and I think you suspected it all along. Regardless of how well I can flirt with you, you know I'm new to this.

She smiled, still shy. "With a woman, I mean," she said in a small voice, again those beautiful eyes bore straight into me.

Her experience in this area was limited to on-screen then; to what was, naturally, one of my favourite movies of hers.

"Wait, I didn't know that having a glass of wine with a woman was different than with a man! I don't know if I'm ready for this..." I gave her a worried look, deliberately exaggerating the joke to lighten the situation. It worked: she laughed and playfully slapped my chest.

"No, I guess you're right: no difference at all... Asshole..." She muttered the last word under her breath while shaking her head in disbelief.

I can't believe you! You just completely undermined my super honest and personal confession with a joke... And yet, it makes me feel calmer already. We both know we're not really talking about having a glass of wine here, but maybe it also isn't as big a deal.

I mean, I'm definitely attracted to you so, surely, I'll be into it... And I am a woman too, so I should be able to figure out what to do... Oh god, just stop thinking already! Wine! Let's just have some wine and see where we go from there...

She was still standing between me and the door, too close for this to look like a casual encounter, one hand still in touch with my jacket. While I did not mind her proximity in the least, we had to be careful. I glanced around quickly, there was no one in the street at the moment, but this could change. I would not want her to be all over the tabloids tomorrow because we got too cuddly at my front door.

"Let's get inside," I said gently, shifting her body slightly so I could get to the keyhole.

* * * * *

I took her coat and carefully put it on the coat rack; despite its plain nature, it looked rather expensive. I hung my worn-down leather jacket next to it. The two garments illustrated the two very distinct worlds we came from; their sleeves just touched, mirroring the fragile bridge we were building.

She followed me into the kitchen, which was just off the hallway. I thanked myself for tidying up before going out. I would have hated to receive her with dirty dishes stacked in my sink.

"Nice place. Do you live here on your own?" She asked, still looking a little unsure of herself.

I really should have asked that sooner! You may have some social media-happy house mates who can still turn this whole thing on its head.

"Yup, just me. More wine for us!" I grinned casually, understanding why she had to ask.

She visibly relaxed and sauntered over to the fridge to peruse the collection of paraphernalia stuck to its door, while I opened the wine bottle and poured two glasses.

"Who's this then, your girlfriend?" She looked over her shoulder at me and grinned cheekily.

I walked over to her and handed her her glass. I positioned myself close to her, enjoying her proximity and pretending I needed to look at the picture to know who she was talking about. I didn't; I knew it was the one of me and Jordan being silly in a photo booth, her wild afro taking up most of the picture. This was an annual ritual to celebrate our friendship.

"I told you I don't have a girlfriend," I reprimanded her jokingly. "That's my best friend. I once wished she was my girlfriend, but that was many years ago. We are not each other's types, romantically." I had no idea why I felt the need to share that with her, but it felt right to tell her a bit more about myself.

She looked at me interestedly, cocking her head slightly and studying me with her pale eyes. "How long have you known you liked girls then?"

"Oh, I've known since I was about 14. Falling in love with your best friend has its way of making such things clear very quickly." I paused and then added with a serious face: "How long have you known?"

She looked at me perplexed for a split-second and then burst out laughing. "Oh, I don't know, 2 hours?!"

I don't even know that I like girls! But I like you... That's enough, isn't it? This - whatever this is - is almost certainly just a once off, because I've never met a girl like you, and I don't think I ever will again.

I laughed with her, appreciating her honesty. I knew the time frame was chosen arbitrary but I couldn't help but think about what we were doing two hours ago. When had she realised she liked me? Had it started while we were playing pool? I thought I had sensed a slight change in her then. She had certainly picked up her innuendo after that. That was probably more bravado than anything, though. She was probably feeling quite insecure about this and I knew we had to do this at her pace.

I suggested we made ourselves comfortable in the lounge and ushered her through. "Make yourself at home."

I put on a Spotify play-list of sixties through eighties music - my usual choice - and was greeted by The Beatles' singing "When I'm Sixty-Four".

She kicked off her shoes and curled up in the corner of my L-shaped sofa. Excellent choice, it was the best seat and my favourite place in the whole house.

I watched her for a moment, looking so at home on my sofa. Powerful visions of lazy Sunday afternoons rushed into my head. She would sit right there with a glass of wine and a book, while I cooked us some dinner and rushed over with a spoon for her to taste my concoction, narrowly escaping a spill on the carpet. I would make something with leeks, which would remind us of how we met, and we would laugh about the randomness of our first encounter.

It looked blissful and appeared completely feasible but I knew it was nothing but a fantasy. Her world and mine were miles apart; we may as well be living on opposite ends of the planet. And this, her being with me, was just here and now. She would go back to her life of spotlights and red carpets, of stylists and interviews; a life I did not fit in. And I would have to go back to mine.

A wave of melancholy hit me, as I realised how much I wanted this to be more than a one-night stand. This wasn't about the chase or the kill anymore; I actually liked her. She had swept me off my feet with her wit, her charm, and her warm personality. And yet I knew she took unobtainable to a whole new level.

"I love this song," she said, humming along quietly. "I hope someone will be there for me when I'm 64." She laughed a little, as if she had amused herself.

That's not that far off... I only have about a decade and a half to get someone to love me that much. I better hurry up!

I would, I thought; I would be there for you. Of course, I could not say that. I smiled defeatedly.

She patted the sofa next to her. "Are you coming to sit down, or what?"

I sat down next to her and realised I had no clue how to go on from here. Usually I would just make a move, or the other woman would, but it felt like we had drifted into yet another uncharted territory. One where my compass was aimlessly spinning, disturbed and confused by an abnormal magnetic field.

We were now away from prying eyes and could technically jump each others' bones right-away, but we were in a mellow space of co-presence: perfectly relaxed, yet not in a hurry to go anywhere fast. It felt like we'd known each other for years and were just doing what we always did on a Friday night. I realised that, despite my still disregarded physical desire for her, I quite liked it.

This is perfect, just nice and relaxed. It's like you know that I need some time to get to terms with this.

I like seeing you in your own house. It says a lot about you. You seem very tidy and you have good taste; lots of books, to keep your big brain occupied, no doubt. I really like what you've done with the place. I assume you've done it yourself, anyway. You probably don't have a decorator like me...

Your sofa is very comfortable too, I can just imagine you lying on it: relaxing, watching TV, making out with girls?

She smiled at me and I saw a twinkle in her eyes, as if she just had a naughty thought. Whatever it was, she didn't share it and I just smiled back, a little unsure.

"So, do you bring a lot of girls here? To drink wine, I mean, of course," she asked a bit later, with that twinkle still there.

She was back on this topic then. Except now there seemed to be curiosity and intrigue in her expression, rather than insecurity and suspicion.

"No, I don't," I told her honestly, "today's turn of events is quite the exception."

Somehow it was important to me that she knew this. I knew I could come across as a player and often that worked to my advantage, but I wanted to set things straight with her: that wasn't who I was, really. On top of that, I valued my privacy and my home was my sanctuary. Somehow, it was too sacred to open up to any girl I picked up in a bar.

I believe that... You seem much more than your cool charm. I bet you could bring another girl here every night if you wanted to, but you are more selective than that. That makes me feel quite special somehow, that I'm here, chosen by you.

I guess I will have to be the one you make out with on this sofa then...

She seemed satisfied with that answer and playfully leaned into me. I stretched my arm across the back of the sofa. She interpreted my invitation as intended and curled up again me, swinging her knees round and leaning her folded legs onto my lap.

I put my arm around her, resting my hand on her hip. I suppressed a happy sigh at the feeling of her in my arms. I still couldn't quite believe this was happening to me, and I felt my whole body jitter with excited anticipation of what could be next. Was this it? Was she ready?