The Boxer

Instead, she approached slowly. She hesitated for a moment; should she go in for a hug? Was that weird? They didn't normally hug when but, then, this was a different context. Jordan must have sensed her hovering; she looked up and smiled, before getting up and pulling her in for a quick hug across the table. Her hair tickled Megan's face and she caught a waft of coconut. Megan's stomach fluttered restlessly and she sat down quickly.

"No coffee for you?" Jordan asked.

Megan had completely forgotten all about that. She peered into Jordan's cup, which was empty. "Ah yes, good point. I'll go get some. Can I get you a refill?"

"Of course. I'll never say no to coffee."

That was good to know. Megan distractedly ordered their coffees, while picturing herself waking up next to Jordan on lazy Sunday mornings; letting her sleep in, while preparing a hot brew; enticing her to wake up slowly with gentle kisses and the smell of coffee.

"What are you reading?" Megan asked when she sat back down, forcing lazy Sunday mornings from her mind. In her absence, Jordan had gone straight back to her book.

"It's about narrative research. I'm working on my methodology chapter. Basically, in my research I'm relying on people's own stories to inform my findings, instead of using more restrictive interview methods."

"The stories of prisoners?"

Jordan smiled. "Well remembered..."

How could Megan forget? Jordan's comment about interviewing prisoners had conjured up images of waiting impatiently behind bars for the cute researcher to show up; visitation time was never so enticing.

Jordan continued: "I'm talking to female offenders who repeatedly offend, to understand the 'why' and the 'how' of their offences, their backgrounds, life factors and such. I'm drawing on their stories to also address the impact of the criminal justice system in shaping their offending and recovery trajectories."

She paused and then laughed. "I'm sorry, that's academic babble, isn't it? It's this thesis - it's taking over my life! Give me a moment to emerge into the real world, please."

Megan laughed too. "Take your time." She was enjoying seeing this completely different side of Jordan; she could easily get used to this 'academic babble' of hers.

"So, you go into the prisons and ask them to tell you their stories?"

"Yes, I'm aiming to talk to twenty women. It's qualitative research, of course. I've done twelve interviews so far. It's amazing to hear their stories. They are all so different."

"But if they just tell you what they want, how do you get to what you need to know for your study?" Megan had never heard about this way of doing research. She had only had to do interviews in which the researcher asked the questions and the respondent answered.

"Well, I still have certain themes I want to get to, so in that sense there's still structure to the interview. But the key is to let them bring to the table those aspects that they feel are important to their own narrative. It's a feminist mode of inquiry." She caught herself: "Oh god, here I go again. Stop me, will you?!"

Megan wouldn't if she could, but she was intrigued about the practicalities too. "But isn't it dangerous?" With the risk of sounding naive, she added: "I mean, you hear all these stories about stabbings in prisons and stuff."

"Well yeah, that does happen, of course. But I've had to go through quite stringent screenings and my respondents have been carefully selected in collaboration with the prison staff. They are not in maximum security or anything; all relatively minor crimes. And there's also always security nearby. I'm perfectly safe, really." She grinned and added: "So no need to worry about me."

Megan blushed. Was it that obvious that she would? Realising that Jordan had just given her the perfect bridge to ask about the other thing she really wanted to know, she took a deep breath and plunged head-first into her next question.

"What about your partner? Don't they worry about you?" She carefully used a gender-neutral sentence; she still wasn't sure on which team Jordan played.

"Don't have one of those."

Jordan looked at her in a way that Megan couldn't quite interpret; confusion, perhaps, or conflict? She cursed herself for being so vague; now she still didn't know. At least if she had used a gender, Jordan would have corrected her; probably.

As Megan struggled to find a way to ask more, Jordan volunteered, still with that curious expression on her face: "I couldn't have a girlfriend right now anyway. The PhD and my boxing take up so much of my life, I have no idea when I would find enough time for her."

Megan's heart skipped a beat at the mention of a girlfriend - she was gay! -, before plummeting into a dark crevice of disappointment when the full meaning of the rest of the statement became unmistakably clear. Megan was a firm believer that one could always make time for love. If the right person came along, life had a funny way of making space for them, even when a schedule seemed full and unforgiving at first. So this could only mean that Jordan didn't want a girlfriend. Or - her brain kicked into pessimist mode - that Jordan didn't want her specifically and was trying to let her down easy.

"Just tell her you love her!" Megan's thoughts were interrupted by this cry from the next table. Jordan also looked up in surprise.

A tall boy in skinny jeans with Justin Bieber hair stood in front of a group of other students, his fist still at the end position of his air grab. Encouraged by their looks, he stepped closer to Jordan and Megan and directed his next sentence at Jordan: "Hasn't this gone long enough? She deserves to know the truth!" He sighed dramatically.

Jordan looked at him in disbelief. Despite her gloomy mood, Megan struggled not to laugh. Jordan probably wouldn't know this - having only been here for a couple of months - but the coffee shop had been nicknamed the 'Glee Starbucks', because of its frequent visitors from the music and acting departments. It wasn't uncommon that students spontaneously burst into song and dance, or started a dramatic rendition of their performing arts assignments, in the middle of unsuspecting science students.

This kid had clearly started a little show for his friends, but having received attention from elsewhere, was getting a bit carried way. He was still looking at Jordan expectantly, keen to pull her into his performance, while his friends snickered behind him.

"What are you talking about?" Jordan asked him, a hint of panic in her voice. Megan smiled. She couldn't possibly think he was serious?

"If you don't tell her, I will!"

He turned to Megan and grabbed her hand. "It's you Rosa. It's always been you! Oh, but Margaret said she would die if you found out. Behold now, it's her at the edge of the cliff. No Margaret, don't jump!"

He reached out to an invisible person and mimed something slipping through his fingers and, supposedly, falling off the cliff. At that, he burst into tears; actual tears, rolling down his face. It couldn't be said this boy didn't have talent. His friends applauded him loudly. He took a deep bow before sitting down again.

"Erm... What the hell was that?" Jordan looked at Megan questioningly. After Megan had explained about the Glee Starbucks, she said: "That's a relief. I thought he was a friend of yours or something."

"A friend of mine who's getting you to confess that you love me?" If only. The sad truth came back to Megan like a hammer blow: Jordan definitely did not love her; she didn't even want to be with her.

"Something like that. But I bet your girlfriend wouldn't be happy about that either." Jordan smiled at her before looking away.

"My girlfriend?"

"That tall biker chick with the too-cool-for-school look I saw you with?"

Biker chick? It took Megan a moment to piece together who Jordan was talking about. "Rowan? She's not my girlfriend!"

Jordan looked at her inquisitively. "She's not?"

"Definitely not. She's just my, sometimes infuriating, best friend."

"Ah sorry, I just assumed..." Jordan didn't look at her when she asked next: "But you do have a girlfriend?"

Wasn't it obvious that she didn't? And why did she want to know anyway? "No, I'm single," she said simply.

"Cool..."

Megan studied Jordan's face, trying to gauge her reaction. What was she hoping to see? Happiness?

Jordan's face was blank as she continued: "Most of my friends are in couples, you know. It makes you feel like a bit of an outsider, doesn't it?"

What did she mean? Did she want to be single friends together? To go do single things that she couldn't do with her couple friends; whatever that may be? As much as it was tempting to keep spending time with her, Megan wasn't sure she could do that. She liked Jordan too much to just be friends. She'd been in this situation before and knew it would end up in heartbreak sooner or later.

"Yeah, I guess..." Megan didn't know what else to say to that. This coffee date was not what she had expected. Something, somewhere had gone horribly wrong.

"Anyway, I'll come check out Velvet sometime." Clearly Jordan was also a bit lost for words; where did that come from? She continued: "I'll bring along my friend Sam. She's single too. I think you'll like her." Jordan made eye contact very briefly before averting her eyes to the book in front of her.

Why did Jordan just bring up her single friend? 'You'll like her'? Was she trying to set Megan up with her friend? Then this wasn't about being single friends together? Megan was confused. What did Jordan want from her? Whatever it was, it wasn't what Megan wanted. Whatever Jordan came here for today, it wasn't a first date; it certainly wasn't the start of something more.

Although it pained her, Megan knew what this meant: it was time to cut her losses; get out while she still could. She told herself to be strong. Getting over Jordan would take time and it wouldn't be easy. She would need to take her distance; only then could she do this. She decided: from now on, no more flirting, no more hoping; only casual friendliness at the gym, when they would inevitably still see each other.

"Speaking of Velvet, I better get going. I have to work tonight," Megan said. She felt a strong urge to run out of here as fast as she could.

"Yeah, I better get back to my chapter too." Was there a hint of disappointment in Jordan's eyes? Megan reproached herself; no more hoping.

"I'll see you at the gym." Megan got up and stepped away from the table quickly. She didn't have it in her to stay for another hug. If Jordan was disappointed about this, she hid it well.

"Yeah, see you there," Jordan said with a slight smile.

Megan walked off quickly, feeling tears welling up. Why had she let herself get so carried away, thinking Jordan liked her back? She'd given her signs, hadn't she? And for Megan to have noticed them; that was quite something. She been told many times how blind she was to other people's advances.

If the signs had been there but she didn't want a girlfriend, was Jordan just a player? Was she only in it for the chase, like Rowan? If that was the case, Megan deserved better anyway. She squared her shoulders; recovery started now.

* * * * *

"You're joking, right?" Jordan asked perplexed, taking her phone off hands-free and putting it up to her ear. The laundry she was folding could wait.

"I promise you that I'm not. It's hard to believe, I know. I could hardly believe it myself!" Sam said, sounding happier than Jordan had ever seen her.

"You just met her in the supermarket, played some pool, and then she came home with you?! I'm really supposed to buy that?" Jordan tried again.

Sam had just relayed the most incredible tale of bumping into her favourite actress, in the supermarket, of all places; hitting it off with her; and having the night of her life, introducing said actress to lesbianism.

"Buy it or not; it's the truth! I'm still buzzing... We just connected, you know. It was like we'd known each other for years."

"But you haven't! I have known you for years, Sam, and it's just... An actress? A red-carpet-walking, Oscar-swinging actress?"

"She's not like that. She's more real, somehow. She was just happy that someone finally took her for who she was, instead of what they thought she'd be like. Fame does that to you, I guess."

"Because for you it had nothing to do with the fact that she is famous?" Jordan liked Sam a lot, but it seemed she had lost the plot.

"It didn't. I didn't even recognise her at first. I just thought she was stunning and I wanted to talk to her. Turns out I love talking to her, and she to me."

"Come on, Sam. Really?"

"Why is this so hard to believe, Jordan? She recently moved to the burbs; turns out she lives close to me in some inconspicuous house. I'm not sure where exactly, but I know now which the nearest supermarket is." Sam chuckled. It seemed that nothing could dampen her spirits; not even a sceptical friend. "Why would I make this up, anyway?"

Jordan sighed. She had a point there. As much as this story sounded like a crazy fantasy, she'd never known Sam to be anything but truthful. "You wouldn't...," she admitted.

"Exactly!" Sam said triumphantly.

"So, now what? You're not going to see her again, are you?" Having no choice but to believe that the encounter happened, Jordan was keen to find out how her friend possibly envisioned she would proceed from here.

"God, I hope I will! I have no idea how, but I want to."

Jordan was afraid she'd say that. "Sam," she started gently, "don't you think it may have been just a onetime thing for her? I mean, she lives in a completely different world, doesn't she?"

"Yeah, she does. But she seemed perfectly happy in mine too. Maybe there's a way... It could be like a little weekend escape for her or something."

"You want to be her weekend lover?"

"I'll be whatever she wants me to be," Sam said with a happy sigh. "Truth is, Jordan, I think I'm in love with her..."

"Sure sounds like it..."

Jordan was worried for her friend; Sam would be heartbroken if this didn't come to anything. And it almost certainly wouldn't. Another thought hit Jordan. Her heart was pounding as she asked: "What about Megan?"

"I know... I did really like her. But now... I can't think of anyone else, not even Megan. She just pales in comparison, you know?"

Jordan felt a wave of anger rushing in. This was so unfair to Megan. Even though the cute bartender had no idea Sam even liked her and there was nothing going on between them, it still felt like a betrayal, somehow, to toss her aside so easily. Megan deserved more than that. Besides, Megan couldn't pale in comparison to anyone if she tried.

"At least she's a real person, living a normal life amongst us ordinary people," Jordan said, unable to keep the frustration from her voice.

"Look, I'm sorry. I really appreciate the effort you put in. I didn't mean for this to happen. I'm sure Megan is great and she'll make someone very happy. That someone is just not going to be me, I realise now. It wouldn't be fair for her to be a consolation prize."

"She's definitely not a consolation prize," Jordan said before she could stop herself.

Sam was catching up. "Wait a minute. Why are you getting so worked up about this?"

"I just think it's not smart to dismiss all other options so easily, that's all. This whole actress thing could go absolutely nowhere..." Jordan tried to make it sound like she was purely moved by concern for her friend. "And Megan is great," she added. "I think you two would really hit it off."

Sam saw straight through her, as usual. "You like her," she stated. It wasn't a question.

There was no point denying it. "I do."

It was the first time she'd actually admitted it. Doing so somehow made it all the more real. When Sam didn't respond immediately, Jordan sighed and continued: "I've liked her for a while. I was blocking it out because you liked her. I felt like a terrible friend for even thinking it."

There was a further moment of silence on the other end before Sam started laughing. "That's just perfect, Jordan!" She said happily.

"What? Why is that perfect?"

"Now you can go for it! She's all yours!"

Jordan took a deep breath, the full truth of her messed-up situation dawning on her. "Well, it's a bit late for that," she said more irately than she intended.

"What do you mean? Why would it be too late?"

She might as well tell Sam the full truth now. "Because I shot her down... I realised she liked me too, and I shot her down. It must have taken quite some courage for her to ask me out in the first place..."

"Wait a minute. She likes you? She asked you out?"

"Remember I told you that I found out she was single? She told me when we met up for coffee. She asked me to go. I only went to find out if she was single. Or so I told myself." Jordan talked factually, not wanting to let the emotion shine through her words.

"Oh Jordan... What happened?" Sam sounded sympathetic to her ordeal.

Jordan didn't want to blame her friend for this fiasco. It wasn't Sam's fault, but she couldn't help but be annoyed with her. The timing was simply terrible. If only this had happened one week earlier, Jordan would have approached the coffee date very differently.

"I told her I didn't want a girlfriend; that I didn't have the time for it. I may have suggested we should be friends. And I definitely told her that she should meet you; that she'd like you."

"Ouch..."

"Ouch is correct... That's why I said it's too late. I fucked up, Sam. After all that, there's no way she'll try again with me."

"But you can...," Sam started. When Jordan started to protest, she said: "No wait, hear me out. Let her know you like her. Come clean about everything. She'll understand that you were just being an amazing friend. Which I will never forget, by the way."

"I don't know, Sam... She seems really upset."

Jordan had seen Megan a few times at the gym since their fateful coffee date and to say she'd been icy was an understatement. They had still partnered as usual, but Megan hadn't made more conversation than was strictly necessary. Jordan even had the impression that her kicks and hits had been harder than before.

"Do you like her, or not?"

"I do... I like her a lot." The floodgates were open. Now that she'd admitted that she liked Megan, she realised just how much she was into the pink-haired girl; how much it had taken to resist those feelings.

"Then she's worth fighting for, isn't she? And if anyone's a fighter, it's you!"

"Yeah, you're right..." In theory, Sam was absolutely right but Jordan had no idea how to pull this off in practice.

"I know I am. So quit sulking and get your head in the game!"

Jordan had to smile at Sam's attempt at pep talk. "Alright coach... I'll think about it."

After she'd hung up the phone, Jordan sat down heavily on her bed. She realised that for the entire duration of the phone call, she'd been restlessly pacing the tiny floor surface of her room like a caged tiger. Was there still time to fix things with Megan? Perhaps if she could just talk to her and come clean, as Sam had suggested? Would Megan let her? Jordan would certainly have to amp up the niceties first; show her that she meant business now.

She had to try. What else could she do? She couldn't let this amazing girl just disappear from her life or, worse, stay on the receiving end of her passive aggression.

With trembling fingers she started typing a message: [Hey, it's me]. She hesitated. Would Megan have deleted her number? Would she know who 'me' was?

She started again: [Hey, it's Jordan. I'm thinking about going for a drink tonight. Would you like to join me? xx]

The two status ticks turned blue almost immediately; Megan had seen the message. Jordan waited impatiently for her reply.