The Confession

This was the first time they'd made love since the Siobhan thing blew up and part of the miracle for Bryan was that Becky initiated it. As they were walking as a family back home from the park, Bryan had suggested Becky take Tara somewhere while he cleaned up the living room. Becky shook her head, saying that the wreckage was as much her fault as his and she wanted them to clean it up together. That touched Bryan deeply and when Becky phoned the parents of Tara's best friend to see if she could spend the afternoon there, he assumed they would be spending that time setting the room straight. But when Becky got home after dropping off Tara, she had pounced on him, kissing him passionately, and they had gone straight upstairs, stripped off their clothes and fucked.

Bryan now felt the woman beneath him plant small, soft kisses on his neck. His cock stiffened inside her and she chuckled in pleasure and kissed him some more, her hands travelling over his body. Bryan pushed his cock deeper, feeling his woman's cunt yield with a wet slurp. Jesus, he was going to fuck her again in a minute. He felt the woman begin sucking his earlobe and his cock seemed to stretch inside her.

'God, you turn me on,' he said.

'I want to turn you on,' she said. 'I want to make you my slave.'

'I am your slave.'

'Really? You'll do anything I want?'

'Yes.'

'Okay, then.'

Becky put her mouth right by Bryan's ear and said:

'Tell me what happened with Siobhan.'

Bryan froze. His heart pounded and he realised he was holding his breath. His tried to lift his head to look at Becky, but she held him fast. He could have forced himself up, of course--he was much stronger than her. But doing that felt wrong somehow, so he stayed where he was.

'I, um...' Bryan cleared his throat. 'I already told you what happened.'

'Only the basic story,' said Becky into his ear. 'I want the full story. I want details. I want to know what you said, what you did and what you were feeling when you did it. I want to know what she tasted like, what her cunt felt like, what noises she made as you fucked her. I want to know everything.'

Bryan swallowed. He thought about his night with Siobhan and the moment it came to mind, his cock responded. He felt Becky let out a triumphant breath.

'Oh, my god,' she said. 'You want to tell me.'

Bryan stayed silent. He felt Becky's cool hands take hold of his head and move it so that they were looking at each other. Her eyes were wide open and gleaming, alive with curiosity. Bryan thought she had never looked sexier or more beautiful. He loved her so much. She looked at him and smiled.

'You do, don't you?' she prompted.

'Yes.'

'So, tell me. Tell me everything.'

Bryan looked into Becky's eyes and began his story. But it wasn't the story he had expected to tell. Whenever he imagined telling his wife about his cheating, it always began with a preamble about how hurt he had been, how broken up he was about losing his business, and how he honestly believed that, at the time, he and Becky were heading for divorce. But however true all that might be, it felt like the wrong story to tell when Becky was being so... so loving, so sexual, so open.

So he began telling her a different story, albeit one that was equally true. About a woman called Siobhan who had been a colleague and friend for five years of his life. A woman he had liked and respected enormously. A woman he had also fancied, although he'd always thought that nothing would ever happen. But when events conspired to put the two of them together in that empty office at night, he knew that he wanted her. He wanted to stay married and he wanted to have sex with Siobhan. And when he watched Siobhan removing her clothes with the intention of opening her legs for him... it felt like a dream come true.

'Really?' said Becky. 'So you already had fantasies about fucking her?'

'Oh, yeah,' said Bryan. 'Not so much after I met you, but when I first started working with her? God, yes.'

'And she wasn't interested?'

'Nope. Had a rule about not dating colleagues.'

'Hmm,' said Becky. 'I'm always sceptical when people say that. Especially seeing as she fucked you anyway.'

'Well, technically we weren't colleagues anymore.'

'Yeah, but I bet she would have fucked you before that. I'll bet she wanted to fuck you after you got together with me.'

'You may be onto something there.'

'Why do you say that?'

Bryan took a deep breath.

'Well,' he said, 'after the first time I came inside her--'

'The first time?! You fucked her more than once?!'

'Of course! If I'm going to risk my marriage, I may as well make the most of it!'

'You bastard!' said Becky, laughing. 'Holy crap! I married a monster!'

'Afraid so.'

'So, okay... what happened?'

'Well, after I came inside her,' said Bryan, 'she asked me whether I was going to tell my wife that I'd cheated. I said no and she said, "Pity. I would have loved to see her face when she finds out." '

'Bitch!'

'Yeah... she wasn't a fan.'

'You don't have to tell me! I got that message loud and clear at the airport!'

Becky shook her head on the pillow. Then she seemed to notice that she was still lying on her back with her husband's erect cock inside her. She ran her hands up and down his body, as though checking he was real. Bryan frowned.

'Are you okay?' he said.

'Yes, I am,' she said. 'And I shouldn't be, should I?'

'I don't know.'

'Bryan, come on! You're telling me about a woman you fucked behind my back and it's pretty clear that you didn't just fuck her... you made love to her. And it feels strangely normal. I get why you did it and I don't feel the least bit threatened. In fact, if you hadn't done it, I wouldn't be lying here thinking, 'Oh, my husband is so loyal. What a hero!' I'd be thinking, 'Holy crap! He had the chance to fuck Siobhan and he chickened out! What a schmuck!' '

'Becky, what are you saying?'

'I don't know what I'm saying! This is new territory for me! I mean, I know what I'm supposed to say. Because you cheated, I'm supposed to banish you to the spare room and make you grovel for my forgiveness. But I don't want to do that! I want to find another solution!'

'What solution?'

Becky gave him the ironic eyebrow look.

'Come on, Bryan, don't play the innocent,' she said. 'You know perfectly well where this is going.'

'I'd rather you spell it out for me.'

'All right, I will,' said Becky. 'I'm not mad at you for fucking Siobhan because Siobhan is a very fuckable woman and you are a red-blooded man. I'm mad at you for fucking Siobhan and then not letting me fuck Marcus DeVere. And now I've had to say no to a second opportunity and I'm pissed off, Bryan!'

'I thought you didn't want to play tit-for-tat?'

'But it wouldn't be tit-for-tat if you agreed to it! One could even argue that we're sexual beings by nature and that monogamy is unnatural!'

'My god, Becky! Do you really want to fuck another man that badly?'

'I want to have what you had with Siobhan! It was clearly more than a fuck! And if I can accept that for you, why can't you accept the same thing for me?'

Bryan had no answer to that. But his body did. At the thought of Becky giving herself to another man, Bryan's cock went instantly soft, shrinking so fast that Becky gasped as it disappeared from her vagina. Bryan blinked, amazed at the speed of his deflation. It was as though a nerve had been cut. For a moment, he was just stunned. But slowly, he began to understand what his body was telling him and the price he would pay if he ever said yes to Becky's proposal. He looked at Becky and saw by her expression that she had come to the same realisation.

And she was not happy.

'Well,' said Bryan. 'So much for the red-blooded man.'

'You bastard!'

'Becky, do you seriously think I have any control over this?'

Becky had tears of rage starting from her eyes.

'This is so unfair!' she cried. 'So unfair!'

She rolled out from under Bryan, leapt off the bed and ran naked out of the room. Bryan heard the bathroom door slammed and locked, then heard his wife burst into tears of anger and frustration.

***

Bryan put on sweatshirt and sweatpants, slipped on a pair of boat shoes and went downstairs. He got a roll of heavy-duty plastic rubbish sacks from the understairs cupboard and took it with him into the living room. The vandalised room was exactly as he'd left it, albeit looking somewhat less dramatic in the daylight--less an expression of a broken heart and more like several hours' cleaning up and repair work. He took a deep breath, then ripped a sack off the roll and shook it open. He began collecting pieces of broken glass and porcelain.

He had managed to make some progress on clearing the carpet when the door swung open to reveal Becky standing in the doorway. She also wore sweatpants, but with a T-shirt and pastel orange cardigan. She wore white-and-pink plimsoles and her hair was tied back in a ponytail, making her look like an overgrown teenage girl. It didn't help that she was pouting.

'Hello,' said Bryan. 'Am I addressing Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde?'

'Fuck you.'

Bryan smiled and said to himself, 'Mr Hyde.'

'You think you're so clever, don't you?'

'Becky, I don't know what to do with you. One minute, you're telling me that being faithful is the best thing for our marriage. The next minute, you're trying to talk me into letting you take a lover.'

'I'm not asking for a lover! I just want to have what you had!'

Bryan paused in his work. He left the plastic sack on the floor and went over to Becky. She was hugging herself, the way she did when she was feeling insecure. He gently put his hands on her arms and guided her over to the couch. They sat down next to each other and Bryan took her hands and held them as he looked her in the eye.

'Let me tell you what I had,' said Bryan. 'I had one evening of wonderful sex with a woman I've always liked. And after that, I had a secret that I had to keep for years and years... and years. It was like having a rat living under the floorboards. Sometimes, it would be quiet and I'd forget all about it. But other times, I'd hear it scratching around or scampering above me in the ceiling, trying to find a way out. Those were not good moments, Becky. I'd be mentally going around my house, checking to see I'd plugged up the holes.'

Bryan gave a sigh.

'And then I got caught,' he said. 'You had a one-in-a-million chance meeting with Siobhan and the secret was out. The rat was now in the house and, my god... the havoc it wreaked.'

'Yeah, I can see that.'

'I'm not talking about this room, Becky. Smashing up this room was a pure reaction to thinking you were having sex with another man. But it wasn't the worst part.'

'My god, what was the worst part?'

'The worst part was standing in my works café while you were telling me you wanted to go away for the weekend,' he said. 'And there was no anger in your voice, no judgement, no sarcasm. Just a kind of... black void of indifference. And in that moment, I thought I'd lost you. I could see my entire life being swept away and... and I knew it was my fault.'

Bryan fell silent. Then he felt Becky let go his hands and climb onto his lap, putting her arms around him and kissing his neck. He gave her the biggest hug he could and then let the woman settle herself in, resting his cheek against her hair and feeling a huge sense of relief and gratitude. Dr Jekyll was back.

'I hear you, Bryan,' she said softly. 'I totally hear you. You're saying that if I want to have what you had, I have to do it on the same terms. And accept the same risks.'

'And live with the rat under the floorboards.'

'Oh, yes. The rat...'

'But listen, Becky... I do want to say something about this "adventure" you want.'

Becky sat up so they could look at each other face to face. Her eyes gleamed and her expression was playful, mischievous.

'Go on,' she said.

'Look, I cheated on you and got caught,' said Bryan. 'And getting caught means there's a price to pay. And I'm thinking that if you want to keep nagging me to have sex with another man for the rest of our married life, well... maybe I deserve that. In fact, I know plenty of people who would consider that getting off lightly.'

'Oh, Bryan! I don't want to be a woman who nags you! I want to be the woman who loves you!'

'Yes, I know, but--'

'Bryan, don't you get it? I have this feeling that because you cheated on me, you don't deserve to be loved anymore! That a man who cheats has lost the right to his woman's love. So in order to move forward, I have to say "fuck you" to that feeling and choose to love you anyway! But have you any idea how difficult that is?'

Bryan looked at Becky's anguished--yet still beautiful--face and wondered how on earth he could ever have seen this woman as an overgrown teenager. She could be so clear sometimes, so in tune and on point. In those moments, he not only loved Becky but felt a deep respect for her--a respect totally different from the usual 'respect' men are trained to show women so as not to be accused of being sexist.

No, this was the real thing. It was respect born of the realisation that he was not the only smart person in the room, that he was dealing with a woman who could see through his bullshit, and who was capable of an almost brutal self-honesty, more than any woman he'd ever known. And often more than himself. Bryan looked at the woman on his lap and he felt awe.

'Becky...' he said. 'I want to apologise.'

'You've already apologised.'

'I don't mean for Siobhan. I want to apologise for constantly, continually underestimating you.'

Becky's eyes immediately filled with tears. She stared at the man and said:

'Keep talking.'

'It's very clear to me, Becky, that if this situation were reversed, I wouldn't be handling this with a fraction of the grace and courage that you're presently showing. In fact, you can see by this room how I would have handled your cheating. I'd have pressed the self-destruct button on our marriage, end of story.'

Bryan drew Becky to his body and held her.

'But what did you do?' he said. 'You took it on the chin. You kept it private. You carved out space for yourself to decide what to do. Now, I don't know what happened when you were away, but I can see that I assumed you were out to punish me or chase some cheap sex to get even with me. I also see that I have a tendency to think that I'm the one who takes this marriage seriously, while you're only in it for what you can get out of it.

'But if that were true, you wouldn't have driven home at one in the fucking morning. You wouldn't have insisted on making love, despite still being angry with me. And we wouldn't be having these talks. And I'm so sorry I looked down on you and patronised you and thought of myself as the smarter one in the marriage. I'm an idiot, Becky. A fucking idiot.'

Becky was crying in his arms. Bryan wasn't sobbing, but there were tears streaming down his face as he held her. He felt so lucky to have Becky as his wife and with a depth that was new to him. Okay, she was a Jekyll and Hyde, but who wasn't? And the Jekyll-part had way more going for it than he had given her credit for. As for Mr Hyde... well, he could find ways to handle that.

She was worth it.

***

Becky checked the arrivals board at the airport terminal where she was due to pick up her parents. Their plane had just landed, but they still had to go through passport control and then wait for their luggage. Becky reckoned she had at least half an hour.

It was late in the evening and the huge windows looked out onto the darkness of night. As if to compensate, the airport interiors were bright and brash, with lighted signs on top of the actual lights. Becky made her way to the arrivals gate where her parents would be exiting and looked around for a place to sit. There was a coffee franchise in view of the great sliding doors through which bunches of passengers came, pushing airport trolleys piled with baggage. Becky queued up, got herself a latte--this time in a glass mug--and took a seat at one of the small café tables.

She felt good. She felt great, actually. As she sipped her latte, Becky looked around wondering if she would catch sight of a woman in a trenchcoat with dyed cherry-red hair. Honestly, Siobhan had looked way better as a blonde. Remembering how Siobhan used to look, and imagining the glorious naked tits Bryan had described, had Becky uncrossing and recrossing her legs. 'Stop it!' she said to herself.

If Siobhan were to show up now, Becky would be able to tell her every detail of her evening with her husband. That illicit two-hour shag had provided fodder for Becky and Bryan's sex sessions for weeks, with Bryan whispering stories into Becky's ear as he slowly penetrated her. She'd had some truly bone-shaking orgasms and was starting to lament the fact that Bryan was running out of material.

How curious, thought Becky. She still wanted Bryan to be trustworthy, but she didn't want him to be domesticated. She remembered catching part of a TV programme on dog training: on screen was this gorgeous German Shepherd with a piece of raw meat dangling before it, while its obnoxious owner bragged at how the dog would go hungry for hours, not touching the meat until it got the signal. Becky found it sad, pathetic even. A healthy dog should be pouncing on a piece of raw meat and a red-blooded man should be pouncing on a woman's pussy. Even if he said no, Becky found it unnatural if a man didn't at least want to do it.

Therein lied the conundrum. Becky sympathised with Cathy's point that it was normal, and perhaps even healthy, to want sex with other people. But she also agreed with Bryan that if they actually did start having sex with other people, they would lose the very intimacy that made their marriage worth being a part of.

You had to choose.

It still pissed Becky off. She had the type of personality who wanted to have her cake and eat it too. But as time wore on, she found herself blaming Bryan less and blaming Reality more for being the way it was. After all, it wasn't the men's fault that Life was unfair, although Becky knew very few women who shared that view.

Her phone pinged. It was a text from Becky's mother telling her that she and Dad were standing by the baggage carousel, waiting for it to start. Becky finished her latte and looked over at the throng of people waiting to welcome loved ones, some holding placards or balloons. She reckoned she could enjoy her seat for a couple more minutes.

Her thoughts turned to the Coach & Horses Inn. Becky knew she would never see that place again. Or maybe, in twenty years, she and Bryan might drive past it while heading somewhere else and she would tell him the story. It bothered her that Bryan didn't want to know anything about her time there. After Becky had listened to him talk about Siobhan, it pushed the button marked 'If I can do this for you, why can't you do this for me?' Still, there were plenty of things Bryan did that she didn't want to do, so maybe she would have to live with this one for the time being.

But to go back to that weekend, Becky had ended up knocking on the door marked 'private' at a little past ten-thirty. John had opened the door to see the sexy woman from room number three wearing her coat and boots, her roller-case by her side. Ever the gentleman, he had not attempted to change her mind, but went downstairs to reception to check her out and even offered her a refund for the one night. Becky adamantly refused.