The Decline

I was sure married life shouldn't be this hard, but being married to Joanna (Jo) was proving to be more difficult than I ever anticipated. The nagging and complaining just seemed endless, nothing I did was right.

I had a lot of hobbies before we got together, mostly outdoor and sports stuff, as well as cycling and playing football. They whittled away over the years, Jo said we couldn't afford the fees, we didn't have the time or she'd booked something else for the same day. I lost touch with more and more friends, not making trips or events.

I was so besotted with Jo, it took me years to realise what was happening, it wasn't until I looked back with the insight of several beers that I realised how much I had given up. I mean why marry someone because they are "so perfect" and then seek to change them. Even my friends and family became 'a problem': not educated enough, drink too much or too loud and crass for Jo's sensibilities.

She seemed to take pride in her ability to control our lives and everything in it. There was no end to it: earn more, work more, lists of jobs; it had all become a habit for her.

***

It wasn't always like this; she was caring, attentive and pretty easy going when we first started dating. There were a few hints of high maintenance, but nothing that set off any alarm bells and I was infatuated by her.

Joanna Farrington Hall (nee Farrington), there was no way she could give up her maiden name; was a stunning woman from a wealthy family. Me: Phil Hall, certainly not stunning and not so much money, but I did ok for myself. Decent job and income, lots of friends and hobbies, life was good; then I met Jo and things got even better.

Tall at 5ft 9 with long straight blonde hair, pale skin and a willowy English look, Jo attracted attention. Her blue eyes seemed as alive as her personality, always darting about but with an intense stare. She was intelligent, determined and acutely aware of her impact on most of the male species, but was adept at deflecting unwanted attention.

No one was as shocked as me when she asked me out. I just couldn't figure it... she was clearly out of my league and I told her so.

"I'm sick of all the rich arrogant arseholes that mess me about. You seem different, kinder maybe, and I see you smiling and joking with your friends a lot... I like that."

"You'll be telling me I'm a nice guy next, that isn't a great reason to go on a date."

She laughed and she had me, that smile and eye contact! There was no way I could resist her and she knew it. She literally took my breath away: I had to focus on my breathing and it felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest.

Despite my reservations and it being very early days, I started thinking it might work out after all. Jo was really good company as well as being very attractive. She worked hard on her looks, dressed in designer outfits, used a personal trainer, had spa and beauty treatments... no expense was spared. And it worked; she continued to look even better as she matured.

***

Our engagement went smoothly until an incident with an old family friend and her ex Richard Askew. I caught Jo meeting up with him for a drink; they looked pretty close and he was holding her hands over the table. I was going to leave but then thought 'fuck that' and walked over, plonking myself in the chair next to them.

"Well this is nice!"

Jo's eyes widened and she pulled her hands from the table, "It's not what you're thinking, I was explaining to Richard that we are engaged now and I couldn't go back out with him."

"Really, it's just the hand holding and lovey eyes confusing me then, maybe it is just bad timing and you haven't had the chance to dump me first?"

"No, I swear Richard is just a friend now, I needed to explain in person, do it the right way. I love you and want to marry you."

I looked at Richard, "And what do you have to say for yourself?"

He didn't seem in any rush to answer, cocky bastard, "Joanna is quite correct, I asked her out not realising she was engaged, I am pleased she thought enough of me to explain in person. I don't want to come between you two."

The words made sense, but I just didn't like something about him, he went on, "I think I had better leave you two to sort out your differences, honestly I wish you both the best. Oh and Phil, you have one in a million, you are a very lucky guy."

joe looked at me, "I am sorry; I should have told you I was meeting him."

"Are you telling me the truth Jo? If it isn't me you want, it would be better to sort things out now."

"You're all I want, please you have nothing to worry about, I am all yours."

Jo seemed determined to make it up to me in the bedroom and I wasn't about to complain, if anything I played up my worries a little because I liked how she was making it up to me.

***

It was a week before our wedding and I was getting a bit tired of being told I was indeed a lucky man. Only my mum seemed to think Jo was getting a good deal as well. It wasn't the comments that bothered me so much, but the fact Jo seemed to delight in them. I was hoping for at least some defence or support, maybe suggesting she was equally lucky or I was a great guy, but little was forth coming.

Our conversations became more one sided with lots of focus on her. At first I put it down to stresses of the wedding. However a lot of that was self-inflicted, my original suggestion of a small celebration with close friends was dismissed out of hand. The wedding escalated way beyond our original plans and budget. But she had to have the perfect dress, the perfect venue... and cake... and ring... and her second cousins had to be added to the invite list which was nearing 270 people at that stage.

I seemed to be lost in the mix: often instructed, usually ignored. I wondered if they would notice if I just didn't turn up, and was pondering again why she was marrying me.

Despite the concerns, I did turn up and the wedding went fantastically well until the speeches. Her dad's was more of a lecture directed at me about keeping his Princess in the manner to which she was accustomed.

Her mum was smiling at that; I wasn't! So much for expecting a 'welcome to the family' speech. Jo saw the look on my face and stood up next to me.

"And I'd like to toast the joining of our two wonderful families through the love me and Phil share."

She shot her father a withering look as she sat back down, at least I wasn't the only one feeling the disapproval. The rest of the day passed without incident.

***

After a whirlwind honey moon we settled down to married life and our first and turns out only child Jade followed 18 months later, she was an absolute wonder to me.

Jo struggled with some post natal depression and was adamant that she would never go through the trauma of childbirth again. As a result she proclaimed Jade would be our one and only off spring. Jo knew I had always wanted more children, but I decided not to have that conversation as she wasn't coping too well with motherhood. I did as much as I could, picking up most of the caring.

Once Jade was 8 years old, Jo wanted to return to work; her dad was well connected and landed her a job fund raising for a charity. It wasn't until later I found out the Chief Executive of the charity was one Richard Askew.

She had been working there for over a year when I along with all the other partners and families was invited to their summer social day. This year it was medieval themed re-enactment with games and events to raise money for the charity. Most people wore fancy dress, 'knights' and 'ladies in waiting' being most popular. I ducked out of that much to Jo's frustration, she had bought a 'lady of the manor outfit' complete with embroidered tunic, velvet headdress, caul and silk veil.

There were all sorts of games; mock melees with fake weapons and electronic sensors, knocking each other off logs above water and an archery competition. It was Richard who won the mock jousting tournament, there were only four people who could ride well enough to compete. They used foam spears that were still pretty weighty and managed a couple of hits on the electronic shield sensors. They even managed to dismount one guy, although he looked to be falling off anyway. To be fair it was all entertaining and good fun.

Then in front of everyone Richard rode up to Jo and asked for her favour. She took off her veil and tied it to his lance receiving a round of applause. After that it was full on flirting in front of me. I wasn't happy at how much time Jo was spending with her boss and pulled her on it.

"What the hell are you up to?"

She laughed, "Why I don't know, the young knight has won my favour."

"It's not funny Jo!"

"Aww come on Phil aren't you going to fight for your damsel in distress, save her from the disreputable young rogue."

"I shouldn't have to and you don't look at all distressed, quite the opposite in fact, you're loving it. We are married and I thought committed to each other."

"Relax, it's just a joke."

"Is it? Your all over each other, makes me wonder what else you might be getting up to whilst at work."

With that I stormed off, if I was hoping she might chase after me, I was sadly mistaken. I left the venue realising I had no clue where to go. When in doubt... find a pub, I spotted one named 'The Farmers Rest' and thought that it would do nicely.

I sat in the bar still angry during my first pint, by the second I thought my reaction might have been a bit over the top, but it was because it was him, Richard Askew always lingering in the background. I tried to think about what I needed to say to Jo when I got home, in the end I needn't have worried, Jo wasn't there! Dreading to think where she might be, my messages went unanswered.

She came back after midnight but wasn't speaking to me. I was determined not to ask her where she had been. It was lunch the next day before we grunted an acknowledgement at each other; in the evening Jo announced that we needed to talk, I started laughing.

"Why are you laughing?"

"Nothing I have just heard those four words quite a few times in some stories."

Jo ignored that and ploughed on, "No one including you has the right to control me. I'll admit I have grown close to Richard again since we started to work together."

I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn't that, "Have you fucked him?"

"Don't be so uncouth, we have history together, he always had a thing for me."

"So, have you fucked him yet?"

"Stop saying that... I have to be honest and say that attraction is mutual."

"Have you fucked him yet?"

"You are such a child."

I just looked at her... incredulous.

"You deserted me at the charity do... he was there for me when you weren't!"

"Oh my God, you have... you have to be kidding me."

"If you hadn't have run off it would have never of happened."

"Oh I doubt that Jo, I think parting your legs for him was inevitable. One argument and you jump into bed with him. You have got some nerve blaming me, how I am responsible for you being a slut."

"I am not a slut."

"What is it then, is it love, are you leaving me for him."

"No of course not, I love you."

"What then, a one off mistake you feel oh so guilty, it doesn't mean anything, you only love me, its only sex; which rubbish excuse are you plumping for."

"Don't overreact, it was a mistake, we were arguing and I was upset. I am sorry OK."

"No it's not OK and you managed to get into that situation quite well to justify yourself.; why tell me now?"

"I wanted to be honest and see if we could sort things out."

"Sounds to me more like you wanted to rub it in my face. You are right about sorting things, a divorce for starters."

"You can't divorce me, you have no evidence of an affair, and there are no videos, tapes or photos."

"What on earth makes you think I need those, in this country when people don't want to be married, they can just divorce, you can even do it online without lawyers. You don't need to prove who was fucking who, it makes no difference. I wouldn't even know if there were any investigators around here. Look on the bright side, we don't have alienation of affection lawsuits in this country either, just as well or your precious charity might go bust, then what would the poor animals do... not to mention Richard and his significant salary."

"We are not divorcing over this... this interlude. Don't even think about it if you want to see Jade again, our family has more than enough money to run rings around you."

***

I looked at the implications of divorce, it was a nightmare, even if I won joint custody I was going to be completely skint and living in a box, hopefully one with actual walls.

Oh how wrong I was about the lawyers, before I knew it her dad's firm had us in counselling. What is it these days, people can't seem to make a decision without involving either a counsellor or a lawyer or both, perish the thought of actually thinking for yourself.

"And another thing, why am I the one to move out when it's you who had the affair."

"It wasn't an affair and I needed time to find myself and work out what I want."

"Find yourself...really! I thought the problem was Richard finding you with your legs open."

"That's not helpful Mr Hall." Dr Taylor allowed a slight frown over her usually implacable features.

Jo jumped into the break in conversation, "It's not that, I want you but I don't know if you can get over this. I am not interested in apologising for the next 40 years."

"Have you? Apologised I mean, I've heard the word sorry, but never once have you said it convincingly."

"Oh grow up, I said sorry and we need to move on."

"There's been no attrition or acknowledgement of the impact for me, you can't see beyond yourself. If you are sorry, then you're sorry for yourself, that you failed against your own standards, mortified that Joanna Farrington Hall is a cheat. You're not bothered about me, other than dictating the terms for us to stay together."

"You just want to play the victim because I hurt your pride."

"That might be true; your cheating definitely hurt me, pride and all. More than that though, I can't reconcile that the person who is supposed to care for me above all others... isn't really that bothered."

"It was just once for God's sake, it was just sex, it didn't mean anything, I was angry with you!"

"Great you threw us away for something meaningless... that's worse and I don't know if it was just once, you could have been fucking him for months."

"How dare you... if you can't trust me we are finished and we might as well call it a day."

"Actually that's a good point... a really good point. It's the first thing you've said that makes sense."

"What, you can't mean that?"

I stood up and started to leave.

"What are you doing... don't you fucking dare walk out on me!"

"It's still about the control for you isn't it, well you don't control me I am free to walk out this room and free to leave you."

"Phil, don't you dare walk out... Phil!

***

I had been expecting the call from Dr Taylor after not showing for the following counselling session.

"Mr Hall I'm checking about our session today."

"I won't be back Dr Taylor."

"I thought that might be the case."

There was a long hesitation, "Mr Hall...Phil, strictly off the record, there are some traits in your wife's personality you need to be careful of."

"You mean something other than the cheating?"

"She has some narcissistic traits; she will never forgive you for what she has done. Nothing you ever do will be right; be wary of parental alienation, it's worth reading up about."

With that the call ended abruptly. I did the reading.. what I found out horrified me!

The traits described seem to fit Jo, especially her sense of entitlement and superiority. Lacking empathy, a need for attention, criticising others whilst not accepting any negative feedback all struck a chord. I had the first realisation that I might lose Jade totally, parental alienation described the psychological manipulation of a child against the other parent. In essence potentially brainwashing Jade and isolating her from me, that wasn't an option. The long term impact for the child and some of the case studies was heart breaking.

Legally and financially I would lose out, none of the break up and revenge ideas seemed viable in the cold light of day. I wasn't a former soldier, IT expert and didn't have friends in low places. I was just a normal human being at the mercy of the courts and system. Was there anyway I could avoid losing everything?

Then I had an epiphany of sorts; ok not so much an epiphany but a vague notion about finding a way to stay with Jo and co parent Jade. She was nearly 10 now, so I needed maybe another 6 years. I didn't need to be 'in love' with Jo and in my mind I didn't need to remain faithful to her anymore, so perhaps a marriage of convenience. Financially I would be far better off; I just needed to stay on friendly terms for few years and I'd remove the chance of losing Jade. Since the warning from Dr Taylor I really was concerned about what might happen if I wasn't there,

Jo begged me for one final chance to let her explain, I refused unless she promised to stop messing with my access to see Jade since moving in with my mum. She denied doing that and insisted there wouldn't be any access issues, as a result I reluctantly made my way over to our old house.

"Let's just sit down and clear the air. The truth is I've always needed something more, if it wasn't Richard then it would have been someone else sooner or later."

"Why marry me then?"

"It's obvious isn't it, I love you... you idiot, you keep me happy, safe and content. I get on with people, have lots of energy and like attention; I need you but I need something more as well.

"And Richard Askew is what you need?"

"Not necessarily, he's quite good in the sack but I can dump him if that's an issue for you, I know you don't like him. Of course if you leave me, he will be here and fucking my brains out in less than 30 minutes, he has always been in love with me."

"Wow, showing your true colours now, so ruthless... maybe you deserve each other."

"It doesn't need to be the end of us, look at me, you won't find anyone else like me, and l will look after your every need."

"But you want to fuck other guys?"

"There is no need to be so crude, being with Richard reminded me what I was missing out on. I wish I could have been more honest about things with you but I was scared of losing you. It doesn't have to be often and I can be discreet."

We were both silent for a long time, the implications of a divorce were forcing their way to the forefront of my brain.

"I might come back if we open our relationship up."

Jo didn't expect that comment and looked shocked, before a smile crossed her face, "That's fine babe, I can become your hotwife if you want to be involved like that. You are more than welcome to watch or I can tell you all about it, see if that that helps you understand things."

"That's not quite what I had in mind, I don't want to hear about you get up to. I'd want to swop with other couples."

"Why on earth would you do that when you have me?"

"Maybe it's my inherent sense of fairness, look on the bright side it would give you the extra cock you seemingly crave."

She looked down at her body spreading her thighs slightly in her tight skirt, "But baby, I don't want to share you, you don't need anything other than this."

I knew to appeal to the part of her that craved adulation, "Just imagine all those studs you will be able to enjoy, they will be desperate to bed someone as beautiful as you, you're bound to be the centre of attention and they will do anything you want."