The Dregs of Murder

For someone with sight, the general term for what my gift seemed to be, a precursor was often jumbled and made little sense. My understanding was, even the most adept seers still saw the past or future in glimpses, quick flashes that made little sense until they'd seen enough glimpses to form some type of coherent picture of what they were seeing. Lena said people described it as peeking through a small hole, one that someone kept covering and uncovering, to watch a movie playing the scenes out of sequence.

"Are you sure you have a gift?" she asked, her voice firm.

"I don't know. The things I did in Gardner are hard to explain if I don't."

"Maybe Keller was right, and you don't have a gift at all and are lying about it."

I held my tongue and didn't say what I thought. "I might not have a gift, but I'm not lying."

"Then you must not be trying."

"Trying what?" I demanded. "I've done everything you said to do."

"Well... you're not doing enough."

"Or maybe I just don't have a gift."

"Don't you want to have a gift?"

I couldn't understand Lena's sudden change in attitude. In the space of a few heartbeats, she'd gone from Lena, helpful master and teacher, to Keller, unhelpful master and asshole. I shrugged. "If I do, I do... if I don't, I don't."

"So Keller may be right about you?"

A smile flickered over my lips. "Well, it might be fun to see his reaction if I told him what he had for lunch a couple of days ago, but..." I shrugged again.

"But...?" she demanded, her voice still hard.

"But... my life isn't going to end if it turns out I'm actually a nog."

Lena slumped. "Cam... you're entirely too hard to take the piss out of. You're supposed to get mad, indignant, upset," she said, her voice back to normal.

"Oh!"

"Yes, oh... I wanted to make you angry, kind of like you were the first night, to see if that triggered a response."

"Want to try again?"

"I'm not sure if it'll work if you know what I'm doing." She twisted her mouth to the side as if thinking. "I'm not sure it would have worked anyway. I'm not sure of anything at this point."

"I wasn't mad, I don't think, any of the times I had my visions."

"Not even with your friend being in jail?"

"No, not mad as much as afraid for him."

She sat silently for a long moment, her first two fingers and thumb of her right hand making circles against each other. "Let's take a break. We've been at this for a couple of hours. Maybe if you stop trying so hard... plus I need time to think." She smiled at me. "You certainly are an interesting problem."

"You still think I have a gift?"

"I haven't changed my mind... yet. If you do, it's deeply hidden. Normally, I can sense when a gift is there, even if there is no outward sign of it, but with you, you're as blank as a nog." She paused, but I could sense she had more to say. "Go get some fresh air. Think about your mom, how much you miss her and how much you'd like to have her back. Don't hold back. Let the sadness, the pain, come."

"Think that will matter?" I asked.

"Couldn't hurt. I think it's clear that for now you need a strong emotion, either yours or someone you care about, to unlock your gift. If we can figure out that trigger, we can begin to break it down so you can access your gift when you want to. Then the gift will be yours to control, and not the other way around."

"Sounds good to me."

She stood. "Meet back here in, say, an hour?"

I nodded, though I had no idea how I was going to know when an hour was up. The house had a large, old-fashioned mantel clock ticking above the fireplace, but it was far too big for me to carry with me.

"See you in an hour," I said as I levered myself out of the chair. To be made of solid wood, it was amazingly comfortable. I might have to buy one for myself when I return home... or maybe I'll just steal this one.

Smiling at the thought of me trying to make off with the heavy chair, I stepped off the large porch into the bright late-summer sun, the cool breeze off the lake tickling my hair bringing the scent of water. I heard Jim banging away at something in the barn. I considered going to see what he was doing, but Lena told me to take a break and to think about Mom. I wouldn't do that if I was bothering Jim while he worked.

I decided to walk around the perimeter of the island. I didn't know how long that might take, but I wouldn't know when an hour had passed either, so I guessed it didn't matter. I struck off for the dock, deciding to make that my start and end point so I knew when I'd finished my lap.

I strolled along, watching the boats on the water and thinking about Mom. I still missed her, but the pain of her loss had been dulled by time. The first week or two after her death, every time I thought about her, I either cried or I wanted to. Now, when I thought about her, I remembered our good times together... baking brownies... trying to nurse her when she was sick and I was a little girl... cleaning and painting Coffee w/ Cream... trying to reassure her when she was crying, afraid she was going to lose everything before the business began to turn a profit.

As I walked, I realized the island was long and relatively narrow, with the house placed more or less in the center at the island's highest point. At what I believed to be the southern end of the island, the well-maintained grassy meadow that surrounded the house became a thick clump of trees and brambles. I skirted the edge of the thicket, and as I rounded a portion that extended farther from the lake than most, I saw a tidy house with a little girl playing in a lush green yard, running around like I used to with a bubble wand in her hand to make bubbles. I was so surprised I stopped and stared.

Confused, I glanced back in the direction of the main house, though it wasn't visible from where I stood. I was still on the island, obviously, but Aunt Vicki said that there was no one else on the island... and besides, this house was, while not modern, wasn't two-hundred years old either.

Set on a small lot with lush, mature landscaping, the two-story house was painted dark green, with a matching green roof, white shutters and trim, and red window frames. It had a narrow driveway along the side that led to a two-car detached garage tucked farther back on the lot. Facing me was a front door with a small, covered porch to protect visitors as they stood before the red door, sharing the wall with a deep red brick chimney. Flanking the chimney were four windows that defined the home's two floors.

Something was very wrong with the house. Not only should it not be here, but why would it have a driveway and a garage? How would anyone get a car onto the island, and why would they want one? I glanced around again and saw only the island.

A chill washed over me as I turned my attention to the house again. The house wasn't actually there... I was seeing another house, perhaps in another time. I stood, dumbfounded, unsure of what to do. I watched for a moment, when a woman stepped onto the small front porch.

"Cathy... come inside. Lunch is ready," she said.

My heart seized in my chest. I was seeing my mother as a child, but then I looked more closely at the woman and I felt my knees weaken. The woman wasn't my grandmother... she was me! I was older than I was by at least fifty years, but I was certain the woman was my future self.

I began to pant as I walked toward the house. "Camille! Cam! Can you see me!" I yelled as I waved my hands. "Cam! Cam... wait!"

The girl dropped the wand into the container of soapy water as I picked up my speed and began trotting toward the house. I reached the door just as the little girl, not more than eight or nine entered. I put my hand against the door to stop it from closing, but the moment my hand touched the door--

I was standing on the island again with my arm outstretched in front of me.

My heart hammering in my chest, I glanced around before I turned away from the lake. "Lena!" I bawled as I began running toward the house, bounding across the meadow like a spooked deer.

"This is the spot?" Keller asked as we approached the place where I'd seen the house.

After the vision, I'd run all the way to the house, yelling at the top of my lungs the entire way, scaring both Jim and Lena. Through heaving gasps, I'd told Lena what I'd seen. She'd quizzed me, asking what I'd been thinking about, what I'd seen, trying to extract as many details from me as possible. I'd wanted to return to the spot immediately, to see if it happened again, but she insisted we wait for Keller to return.

"I think so. It was somewhere close to here."

"And you were thinking about your mother?"

"I think so."

"You think so?" he asked as if he were interrogating me.

"Yeah... I think so," I said, my voice firm, refusing to back away from my claim. "Lena asked me to do that, and I was. Was I thinking about her at the exact moment I saw the house? I don't know. I didn't expect to have a vision right then. For all I can remember, I might have been thinking about a bird I'd just seen."

He nodded as if taking it all in. "So you could have been thinking about anything?"

I took a deep breath. "Yes, I suppose I could have been."

"Anything now?"

I waited a moment. "No."

"Convenient, don't you think, this happened away from everyone?"

"You think I'm lying?" I demanded.

He held my gaze for a moment. "Are you?"

"No!" I snapped, drawing the word out long.

"Do you have another explanation?"

"Keller, that's enough," Aunt Vicki said. "I don't appreciate you calling my niece a liar."

He held her gaze. "I know you want to believe she's gifted, but I see nothing to suggest she is." He glanced at Lena. "Have you felt even a flicker of ability?"

"No... but that doesn't mean she's not."

"Have you ever met anyone that could hide their gift from you?"

"No," she said softly.

"There's always the first time," Vicki said, her voice cold.

"Yes... but in the fifty whatever years Lena's been helping the gifted, what are the chances your niece is the first?"

"Fine!" I snarled "I don't care if you believe me or not, and I don't care that much if I'm gifted or not!" I looked at Vicki. "When can we leave? This is a waste of time."

"Keller!" Lena snapped, speaking over me. "You're completely out of line!"

He glanced between the three of us. "You're right," he said. "I shouldn't have suggested she's intentionally lying." He looked at me. "I'm sorry for implying you were. I'm sure you're a very nice young lady, but I just don't believe you have the ability you say you do." He turned his attention to Lena. "I'll give her another few days to see if you're right, but after that..." he waved his hand dismissively. "I refuse to get sucked into the hysteria surrounding this young woman... until she can prove to my satisfaction she can do what she claims she can."

Lena nodded, her mouth firmly set in clear annoyance. "Fair enough."

He looked at me, nodded, and then turned away. I watched him go.

What an ass! I decided only thinking it wasn't enough. "What an ass!" I growled when I was sure he was out of earshot.

"You know something... I agree," Vicki said firmly. "I don't know why he has such a stick up his ass about this."

Lena smiled. "I think I know what that means. You know it's because he's a Senior Master, and probably one of the foremost experts on the gifted, and he's seen several people who claim her talent, only to find out they were all fakes... or overstated their ability."

"You think I'm doing that?" I asked, holding Lena's gaze with my own.

"I think you believe it, and I think Vicki believes it as well."

"That's not exactly an answer."

"I know, but it's the best I can offer you. Keller is right that I've never found anyone who can hide their gift so completely as you seem to be able to."

"Or... I'm lying about having a gift," I stated, my tone challenging her to deny it.

Lena nodded. "Or you're lying."

I took a deep breath to calm myself. "Do you want to work with me anymore, or should I just go home?"

She smiled. "Honestly, Cam, I wouldn't miss it. You're quite the puzzle... and the harder the puzzle, the more satisfying it is to solve."

I snorted. "Maybe that can be my superhero name... Conundrum."

Lena's smile widened slightly. "Maybe so," she said softly.

Lena and I worked on my gift a little more before dinner, with just as much success, which is another way of saying none. If I wasn't the one having the visions, I'd probably doubt my ability myself. For a while, Landon watched me struggle before he grew bored and wandered away.

Conversation at dinner was strained, and it was clear to me, and probably everyone at the table, we were avoiding the subject of my gift. Nobody asked how my training went, or if I'd made any progress... nothing. I didn't care, but the elephant sitting beside me at the table made me uncomfortable. Keller seemed totally at ease with himself, and while I couldn't be sure, and I certainly didn't want to read too much into the conversations we did have, it seemed everyone else tended to side with me... or at the very least, were willing to give me the benefit of doubt for now.

Keller didn't annoy me because he didn't believe I had a gift. Hunter and Ken didn't think I had a gift either, and I was fine with that. What annoyed the piss out of me was him thinking I was lying about it. Why would I do that? For attention? I knew he didn't know me, but trying to get my little restaurant empire off the ground consumed enough of my energy I didn't have any left for stupid stuff... like lying about something that made no difference in my daily life. Even if I turned out to be the greatest witch the world has ever seen, I had to keep it a secret, and I wasn't sure how being able to see the past, and now the future, benefitted me. Maybe I could go back and see Mom, but I couldn't talk to her, or ask her for advice, or anything like that. Other than hearing her voice, I might as well look at a picture of her.

Maybe I could look into the future to try to avoid making a mistake, but how would I know when, or where, to look? Like speaking with Mom, it wasn't like I could pop twenty or thirty years into the future and ask my future self, 'So, Cam, what stupid shit have you done that you wished you hadn't?' and then go into the past and tell my past self, 'Hey, Cam! Don't be a dumbass and buy that hamburger joint you're thinking about.'

I'd thought a lot about this when I decided I was going to come here and learn to use my gift. Seeing the past, or the future, sounded like fun until I really started thinking about it. That's when I realized that while it sounded impressive, and interesting, it was a worthless gift. It wasn't like I wanted to watch Mom die over and over again, and if I couldn't communicate with the past or future, I was nothing but a passive observer... and that didn't help me at all.

After dinner, Lena suggested I walk again. Keller wasn't one hundred percent correct when he stated, to bolster his argument that I was faking it, that my gift never manifested when there was anyone around, but other than those two times in Gardner, all my visions had occurred when I was alone.

I began my walk around the perimeter of the island again, starting with the dock, and attempting to recreate the circumstances of my vision as much as possible. I tried to not think about seeing the house as I rounded the southern tip of the island, but it was impossible. I saw nothing.

When I'd made it most of the way back to the house, I decided to abort my circumnavigation of the island because I was sure I wouldn't finish my walk before dark, and I didn't want to stumble into the lake, fall into a hole, or encounter any of the other hazards I dreamed up.

There was still a lot of tension in the house, with Keller, Landon, and Lena all sitting in the large parlor, studiously ignoring each other. Vicki and Jim were nowhere to be seen, but I had a pretty good idea where I'd find them. I walked through the room, saying nothing, and made myself ready for bed. I'd just finished brushing my teeth, and was turning back my bed, when someone knocked softly on my door.

"Who is it?" I asked, thinking it was Aunt Vicki, or maybe Lena.

"Landon. May I come in?"

I paused, unsure of what to do. "I'm getting ready for bed."

"I know... but I only need a moment of your time."

I checked my PJs to make sure I was completely covered before I opened the door. "What can I do for you?"

"May I come in?" He must have noticed my hesitation. "I just want to talk to you for a moment."

"Okay... sure," I said as I stepped back and opened the door wider. I left the door open, but he pushed closed so that it was nearly latched. I started to protest, but he turned away from me, seemingly to give me more space. "Have a seat?" I suggested as I gestured to the chair. "What did you want to talk to me about?" I asked as I crawled onto the bed, sitting with my legs crossed in front of me.

He settled into the chair before bending forward, clasping his hands in front of him as his arms rested on his legs, and stared at the floor. His silence was starting to make me nervous when he began to speak.

"I just wanted to tell you that... I admire, I guess you could say, your determination, and your unwillingness to give up."

"Okay..." I mumbled. "Thank you?"

He kept his gaze on the floor. "I also wanted to tell you, if you think I can help you in any way, don't be afraid to ask."

"Okay. Thank you for the offer."

He nodded slowly. "That's it. I just wanted to offer my help."

"Thank you. Same for me." I waited, but he didn't stand, or make any indication he was preparing to leave. "Is there anything else?" He began rocking slowly as he nodded. "Is that a yes?"

"Yes," he said so softly that I almost didn't hear him.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes. I don't know. Maybe."

"Can I do something to help you?"

He was quiet for a long time. "When your gift starts working, I was wondering if..."

"If?" I prompted when he didn't continue.

"If you could... look back to when I was a kid and see what I did."

"What you did?"

He nodded again. "What I did that made my parents hate me so much."

I blinked at him a couple of times, not sure what to say to that. "Uh... sure... but why do you think your parents hated you?"

"I don't think... I know."

"Why do you say that?" I asked softly.

"Because they told me."

My heart thudded in my chest. "When?"

He shrugged. "I don't remember the first time... but always... and all the time."

"Really?" He nodded but didn't say anything. "Because of your gift?"

He nodded again. "I guess so."

"What is your gift?"

"Does it matter?"

"No... but I can't imagine what is so bad that your parents would tell you that they hated you. Did they really say they hated you?"

He nodded a third time. "Yes. They said they'd wished I'd never been born, that they were being punished, that I was a demon."

"Oh my God! That's terrible! I'm so sorry!" I rose and closed the door completely before I sat on the floor in front of him. I put my hand on his knee. "Is there anything I can do?"

"You can go back and see what I did to make them hate me so much. If I just knew what I'd done, then maybe..."

"Okay, yes, I'll do that, if I can... but is there anything I can do for you now?"

"No. Nobody can."

I took one of his hands in both of mine. "I'm so sorry for how you were treated."

He shrugged. "Thank you... but what's done is done."

"I know, but have you talked to anyone about this? A therapist?"