The End of Something

I said, "Jake - I want you to meet your daughter." Poleaxed is not a strong enough word to describe the look on Jake's face. I started to produce the DNA report but he was staring at Kat and she was staring right back at him like they were having a telepathic conversation. Then he turned to me with wonder and said, "Thank you."

In Our Time

Sasha was looking at me with fear in her eyes. Her mother was eyeing me coolly like she was waiting for me to prove that what kind of man I was.

I know where Sasha gets her beauty. Her mother is the hottest looking sixty year old EVER. And if - as they say- the mother, "Stands behind the daughter like a malignant prophecy," Sasha will be fending off men until well past retirement age.

But her mother is also the toughest, most jaded and enigmatic bitch I have ever known. She is a Russian. And decidedly cold-war in her attitudes- especially about men. I know that life as a Bolshoi dancer was way out of my - or even Sasha's - league in terms of experience. But there are times when the old Commie seems to be appraising me in ways that make me feel like I couldn't possibly measure up.

Nonetheless, the only pair of eyes I was concerned with belonged to the gorgeous little creature who Sasha's mother was holding. Those eyes pointed the way toward my future. They were my destiny and commitment. Their intelligence was both profound and yet playful. And she was looking at me with the kind of absorbed fascination that only a child can give a parent.

I turned to Sasha and said the only thing that crossed my mind, "Thank you." I didn't even know what that meant. Was I thanking her for the gift of this wonderful little child? Was I thanking her for coming all this way to see me? Or was I thanking her for continuing to love me no matter what wretched state of affairs we found ourselves in?

Sasha started to apologize for not telling me sooner. She said that the pediatrician had advised her not to travel before now. And then she added, "This baby was conceived in love - before everything changed. I am not using her to bind you to me. I will raise her by myself. I just want you to be able to participate in her life as much as you want to."

I got it. Sasha was still reading off the old playbook. In THAT one I was the romantic hero eaten up by painful memories of her betrayal and living the melodramatic life of the wounded spouse. That was exactly how I had played the part. It was a trite and predictably over-the-top performance. Particularly in the light of this new fact. So I didn't blame her.

Of course - the narrative had changed the instant I looked into those bright little eyes. It was really a very simple calculus. On the one hand I had an incident that was dead and gone. It was a show stopper as life-incidents go. But it was history.

The future was on the other side of the equation. She was right in front of me. And she was beautiful. This gorgeous little creature - gurgling with sheer delight - was the unescapable answer. And I knew with total and absolute certainty what had to happen.

I looked at Sasha and said, "That isn't good enough."

Sasha looked like she was going to cry. Her mother's face reflected one emotion - utter contempt!!

I continued unwavering, "I am not going to sacrifice one more day of this little girl's life. I know why we separated. But that involved two different people living in a universe long ago and far away. This is here and now. You have given me the ultimate gift. Honor now requires me to do whatever is necessary to nurture and protect it."

Sasha looked like she was having a hard time processing what I had just said. I understood how she was feeling. I didn't exactly know what I had just said. I just knew what had to happen. And I knew that we would have to do it together.

Something also changed in her mother's steely countenance. Was that just a faint glimmer of respect?

Of course it was a nice idea in concept. But the logistics were impossible in the real world.

Sasha had a high paying career in Washington. I was living in a bachelor Don's rooms at an English College. And her mother was grimly dug in around her granddaughter like the Red Army at Stalingrad.

Needless to say we had a lot of issues to resolve.

Britt and Jake came to our rescue. We arranged to meet them later in the day at the Fox Inn. It was a short walk from their house on Boar's Hill. And they were dying to be introduced to the new additions to my life.

Several things happened as we got out of Sasha's rental. Brookey ran to me delightedly shouting, "Uncle Jake!!" Her interest in me lasted approximately one nanosecond. Then she spotted little Kat. At which point she squealed and said, "Oh look!! An infant!!"

What kind of four-year-old uses a word like "infant"?

She then dropped me and proceeded to focus all of her attention on Kat. And Kat was making happy cooing noises back at her. Brookey looked at me and announced with absolute little girl assurance, "This is my new baby sister."

Sasha's mother, who was holding Kat, leaned down and said something to Brooke who then turned to the rest of us and proudly announced, "Syestra!"

The new word pleased her no end. She went frolicking back to her parents who were beaming at us with sheer delight.

I introduced Sasha to Britt. I watched the two women run through the scorecard that every beautiful woman keeps. They decided that they were equals and fast friends. Jake was simply looking at Sasha with the awed expression that every male gets on first meeting her.

Then the two of them turned their attention to Sasha's mom who was doing her Boris and Natasha thing - regarding them with hooded eyes.

Sasha's mother has the same perfect features and thick dirty blond hair as her daughter. And even though she is well past menopause she still has a stunning figure. It was obvious that Jake and Britt didn't know WHAT to make of her.

We sat in a tight little circle outside in Adirondack chairs. Britt, who sees humor in everything said with a chuckle in her voice, "Weren't we just talking about Karma?"

I said, "We were indeed. This morning I was a bachelor Professor and this evening I am a married man with a beautiful baby daughter."

Jake furrowed his brow and said, "So you are going to rekindle the marriage then? You don't have to answer if that's too personal."

I got it. He had been through a similar situation and he couldn't understand the abrupt change in direction. But there were a couple of things that were different in my case.

First and foremost there was Katerina. Whatever kind of selfish person you might be - your first child changes you. Suddenly there is a small dependent person who needs you to cherish and care for her. And frankly you are not a man if you don't give her the fullest measure of your devotion.

Keep in mind that the baby is your immortality. Long after you are dead there will still be one person in the world who will remember you. And you want those memories to be loving.

Plus maybe it was just me - but the fact that she was a girl child made Kat particularly special. I suppose every dad wants to play catch with his son. But your daughter brings out a nurturing instinct that is deeply atavistic. You want to be there for her at all costs - to provide for her and safeguard her and do anything you can to make her happy.

Also, it was clear that Sasha still loved me and wanted to continue to be married to me. That wasn't the situation with the other Jake. Jake's marriage had ended because his wife had found somebody else. Whereas Sasha had been a devoted wife - with the exception of one epic five-week interval.

In the study of criminology - the crime is the crime. But it is the situation leading up to it and the behavior during and afterward that tells the tale.

I completely understood the pre-offense behavior. That's because I had met the guy. I was absolutely certain that Sasha was NOT planning to get fucked when she left for work that sadly auspicious day. But he wanted her. She is a very sexual woman. He knew how to push all the right buttons. And he did.

She had behaved like a slut for five weeks afterward. And frankly that was what had condemned her.

But she had realized what she was doing and taken the steps to set things right. That was all on her own initiative, well before she had been discovered. And that told me all that I needed to know about her resolve to walk the straight and narrow.

More importantly once she had been discovered she had never been anything but forthright. She had not made excuses, she had accepted the terms that I had laid down and treated me and our situation with grace and respect. There had been no accusations, or pleading. And she had shouldered the burden of our separation without complaint.

Finally - and I don't know why this was such an important point - she had been totally faithful to me in the time we were apart. I realize that there was a baby involved for a good part of the time. But she must have had endless opportunities right after our separation. And yet according to both Sasha and her mother no man had touched that magnificent body.

She told me later that she knew that she had to get her traitorous urges under control if she ever wanted to have a committed relationship. And that was her ONLY goal during that period.

So in my view things were different between Jake's situation and mine. I had actually made the decision to reconcile the instant I looked into Kat's spellbinding little eyes. But I felt justified in that decision by the intervening two years and Sasha's evolution as a person.

Both Sasha and I were in a completely changed situation. And given everything I was certain that we could be a couple again. But that still didn't address the question of how that would be accomplished.

I had no desire to leave the OCL. I was making fantastic progress and the money wasn't bad. Sasha and I had not discussed her work but I didn't imagine she would want to give up what she had built. And then there was the matter of her mother.

Her mother was clearly not going anywhere. I knew she had a husband. I had met him. He seemed like a nice sort of fellow. He had retired as a Captain after serving 30 years listening in on the communications of the Russian submarine fleet. He was a very good looking guy with a full head of white hair. And I understood why Sasha's mother had been willing to defect from one of the more prestigious jobs in the USSR to marry him.

Like most men who marry beautiful woman Sasha's dad seemed to recognize his good fortune. And as far as I could tell their marriage had been ideal. But Oahu was a long way from Oxford in every conceivable sense. And it didn't look like Sasha's mother ever intended to leave Kat. So - at this point the future of that marriage was an unanswerable question.

The other Jake brought me back from my reverie. He said, "So if you are planning on getting back together where are you going to live?" It was a logical question and I was glad he asked it. Since it rolled the ball out to kick-off the game.

I looked at Sasha and said, "I don't know. I can't leave my work here. And I really don't want to move back. I have no prospects in DC anymore - not that I wouldn't mind being a kept man."

Sasha quickly interjected, "I have no desire to be anywhere except where you are. I would be delighted to move here if you still want me."

I glanced at her covertly feeding Kat. Her eyes were glazed over with that serene look that mothers get when a child is nursing her.

I said, "That's a silly question. I am never leaving either of you again!!"

I added, "But a bachelor professor's rooms are a little inconvenient for the three of us."

Then I hesitantly added - mainly because I didn't want to end up in the Gulag," And is your mother planning on staying?"

Her mother gave me a look that was so frosty that it would have made the Siberian winter look like South Beach Miami and remarked, "As you said. Honor demands that I stay with Katerina."

Was that a hint of actual emotion in that impassive Soviet face? I hoped that Ilya - who I called Bill - liked English weather.

I said, "Well then, we have a lot of planning to do since I need to find a place to live - FAST."

I turned to Sasha's mother and said, "I assume that you will be staying with us until your husband joins us."

She looked at me with flirtatious amusement and said, "Of course dollink." The old Bolshevik certainly had that Eastern Europe femme-fatale thing working for her. Even if she had been here for a mere 45 years.

Britt piped up at that point. And the delight in her voice was hard to miss. Her normal inflection is Received Pronunciation which is the classic English university accent. But when she is excited the fact that she is the only daughter of a genuine English Earl makes her sound a lot more Belgravia than Baliol. She said to her husband, "Why THAT solves our problem dear!!"

I said, "What problem?" Besides leading an absolutely perfect life in a rambling mansion that overlooked Mathew Arnold's field - the same field that inspired the phrase about "the dreaming spires of Oxford" - I couldn't see any problems in her life.

Britt fixed her bright, clever grey eyes on me and said, "Daddy wants us to move to the Estate in Gloucestershire. He has offered me a living trust including most of the grounds and both Jake and I have taken positions with GCHQ in anticipation of that. But we still have the house here on Boar's Hill. Perhaps you would like to live there?"

I laughed uproariously and said, "Unfortunately I am a bit short of the three million quid asking price."

Britt said, "No silly. I mean LIVE there. We don't want any money for that. We have more money than we know what to do with. And Jake just keeps making more. We don't know where to put it all. I would love to contribute to your new life. While, at the same time we would know that our other estate is in good hands."

Jake said, "Yeah, the money is useless short of insulating the walls with it."

I smiled at both of them and said, "That is very kind of you. Both of you have been wonderful pals. But I need to do this myself. I make plenty of money and my pride forbids me from living off of the charity of my friends."

The other Jake said, "Okay - then let's talk business. The lease on that would be around eight thousand a month. I would be willing to knock it down to five for the right tenant - somebody I could trust." That was well within my comfort zone.

I said, "How long would the lease be?"

Jake said, "We are building a house on Britt's father's Estate. And the upkeep is going to be a challenge even with my kind of investments. I own the Boar's Hill house outright. So the longer the lease the more reliable my income stream. How about if I lease it to you for thirty years and we can renegotiate when we are both in our seventies?" That was said with a smile.

It seemed almost too good to be true. I would be a tenant but I knew they would be benevolent and more importantly - mainly absent - landlords. I looked at Sasha. Her eyes were shining. I looked at my forbidding mother-in-law. She said in a voice that brooked no argument, "I assume that you have a guest house that Ilya and I can stay in."

Britt laughed lightly and said, "It's a groundskeeper's cottage but it has three bedrooms."

Sasha's mother - who had spent her girlhood living in a two room apartment with her entire extended family - looked puzzled and said, "Why would you need so much space for a groundskeeper?"

Pulling in the Lines

It wasn't easy. The difficulty of uprooting my living quarters as well as Sasha's much better established life was exhausting. But within two months I was a country squire with a beautiful wife and daughter.

Sasha's mother moved into the groundskeeper's cottage across the meadow. It was larger and more comfortable than her house on Oahu. So when her husband eventually showed up they settled into domestic bliss without a hitch.

I would have been pissed if my wife had uprooted me from Hawaii's sunny climes to whatever passed for weather in the UK. But he took it all in stride. I suppose his life in the Navy had prepared him for relocations. And his life with Sasha's mom had accustomed him to totalitarianism.

My little angel continued to flourish. She is four now and she has the same blithe spirit and active intelligence that I saw in those eyes when we first met. But now she is a whirlwind of activity.

I thought I would be willing to do anything to make her life happy. But that was actually an understatement.

Her mother and grandmother are the disciplinarians. Me - I'm her partner in crime. We go everywhere and get into everything, just her and me.

Kat has a brother now. Ivan is just coming up on a year old and he is already walking and talking. His life is supervised by a mother and a pair of grandparents who treat him like a family heirloom.

If I could predict the future I could see him in the English Premier League - or perhaps the NFL. I love him but he isn't my beautiful Katerina.

Nonetheless, the story started with Sasha and me and that's where it ends.

The inevitable issues surfaced when we resumed our life together. We parted for a reason. And even though the equation balanced on the side of reconstituting our marriage - thanks to Kat. It took a painfully long time before we returned to the life we originally had.

I thought that the presence of her mother would be a huge disruption. But she actually worked like the control rods in a nuclear reactor. Sasha and I were living together. But we were still rebuilding the close connection that we had before. And we were absolutely NOT having sex.

That was particularly difficult for Sasha. Nevertheless, sex had been the original casus-belli and it was someplace that neither of us could go - YET.

I loved her. She loved me. And we quickly reestablished the little intimate touches that lovers have. But even though it was clear that both of us really wanted it. It seemed that every time we got something started Tom O'Leary would show up to turn it into a three-way. And that raised questions I was afraid of answering.

I couldn't get the explicit pictures of their fucking out of my imagination. Did she do the same things with him? What did she do different? Was she hotter with him - more abandoned? Was he a better lover? And for her part, she was so eaten up by shame that she couldn't relax - couldn't even get into it.

I'm not sure whether it was because she could read the anger in my face. Or because she was really truly inhibited by the dark experiences that she had gone through.

We both tried. God!! She is so beautiful that she could give a stone idol a hard-on. But we couldn't ever get the motor started.

So in the end we would both roll over facing away from each other - she would cry and I would seethe. It would be an understatement to say that both of us were under a lot of stress.

It was her mother who kept it from blowing up - as well it might have if she wasn't there. It was not so much anything specific. She was just her formidable self. And she was always there. Her love for her daughter and granddaughter was palpable. And her implacable need to simply endure kept the pot from boiling over - until we could build a new history together.

The fact is that we were literally strangers when we reunited. None of the romantic novels deal with that. When people talk about reconciliation it is just assumed that every attitude resets to the happy time prior to the split. But we had lived apart for a long time. And until Kat came along we were heading in divergent directions - for a good reason I might add.