The Evisceration

"He was a big guy with a red beard, wasn't he?"

"I think so."

"Bishop Carling."

"Oh my god. Well, that event even put Kent off getting it on in the bathroom. We started heading back to the dance floor, but the randy prick got over his, ah, reticence, and dragged me off into the shadows of some trees. We started making out and he had my dress lifted from behind when a floodlight came on and everything went quiet. We turned to see everyone looking at us. What could we do? We just headed back to the dance floor.

"That guy your dad showed me a photograph of continued trying to cut in. Kept calling me darling and sweetheart even after I told him to piss off.

"It was about then that I looked over and saw a bunch of people surrounding your dad. They didn't look happy. Kind of accusing really."

She paused to look at Dave with raised eyebrows.

"Well, first the bishop, then the head of her school board came over and asked what the deal was with my wife. I want you to know, girls, I didn't lie. I told the absolute truth when I said SHE demanded the right to do whatever she liked with other men. Then, I went on to explain how I'd discovered her latest affair and how she and her father had threatened me with utter ruin, even fabricating evidence against me if I made waves."

He smiled at the memory.

"They could tell from the sincerity in my voice that I was telling the absolute truth."

"That makes sense. At one point all the people gathered around your dad turned and glared daggers at me. It was really uncomfortable."

"Yes, I'm sorry about that. There was so much outrage right then, it could have powered a small war for a month. I don't know if the bishop was going to say anything about what he saw in the toilet until you were pinpointed by the security spotlight I turned on, but he certainly unloaded after that. No-one could believe that my prissy, upwardly mobile wife could behave like that. I think every wife and even a few of the husbands hugged me in the next few minutes. That all came to an end when the next cabaret on the dance floor happened."

"Do you have to tell them about that? I'm not particularly proud of it."

"You tell them then."

The actress paused to recollect the correct sequence of events from so many years ago.

"Well, Kent and I were just minding our own business, you know, on the dance floor. People started coming up and whispering to other people. Pretty soon the number of dancers had halved, and even more people were staring at me and Kent. Then that little dickhead your father showed us a photo of came up, grabbed me by the arm, and tried to drag me away. I'd had enough. I turned and kneed him right in the... you-know-what's.

"It was hilarious. He did what they do in the movies, you know, his eyes crossed, and he started sinking to his knees. He must have tried to stop himself sinking, because he reached out to grab me. Kent, well, Kent has always been the protective type. I married him, you know? He grabbed the guy's arm, swung him round, and belted him. Lifted him clear off his feet it did and dumped him on his ass. The guy just sat there with one hand on his face and one on his, er, nether regions. Everyone started clapping. It was quite bizarre. That was your ex's lover, I presume."

"Yes. Allen was his name. I may have told people he was her lover and that was why he kept trying to butt in."

"What happened to him?"

"Well, the party pretty much broke up after that. Just about everyone came up to me and asked if they could do anything. One of the judges actually suggested I get my lawyer to look up the definition of mental cruelty. I just told them to do what they knew was right. Allen was one of the last to go. I caught him limping away, and, well, relieved a little of my anger and frustration on him before he went.

"I heard later that his company found out the full story and quietly let him go. He'd been with them since he graduated, and they refused to give him a reference. He moved states and was working in a McDonalds the last I heard. After that, I lost interest."

Sarah addressed the actress.

"Did you see any of this?"

"I hung around to the end, but I didn't see the creepy man again. Your dad reappeared and gave me the balance of the money he owed me. I did ask him what the evening had been all about, but he was obviously upset by this stage and just said he'd tell me one day. Kent and I turned to go, but your Dad gave us a smile through his tears and suggested I'd missed my calling and should be an actress. Believe it or not, that got me thinking, and within two weeks I'd applied to NIDA. Acceptance followed soon after. Money talks, as they say. Now, I have to go and ring Kent. He's champing at the bit back in LA. He asked me to tell him the story as soon as I knew it. Said he'd wait up all night if he had to."

The actress stood to say her goodbyes.

"Goodbye, Sarah. I'll be watching your career with interest. If you need a leg up at any time, please give me a ring.

"Wendy. If you decide to follow your sister and have trouble, don't hesitate to ask for help. They owe me about a dozen favours at NIDA.

"Maria, look after your husband and these two scallywags. They're special, all of them."

Wiping tears from her eyes, she turned back to the younger girls.

"From what your dad said, he had your best interests at heart and did what he had to do when the odds were stacked against him. When he asks for your forgiveness, I suggest you give it unreservedly."

She was too overcome for words when she turned to face Dave, so, she just hugged him, then fled before she lost it.

After watching her retreating back, the girls exchanged looks, then Wendy nodded to Sarah, who addressed their dad.

"No need to ask, Dad. We forgive you. We hardly remember our birth mother. You were always father and mother to us when we lived there. Then Maria came along and taught us what a mother should be like."

They all rose for a group hug. Dave, who'd never masked his emotions from those he loved was crying unashamedly.

"Thanks, girls, I thought I was doing the right thing at the time, but you can never be sure, can you? I don't know why I doubted myself. Just look at you both. Beautiful, self-confident, healthy, and wise. I must have done something right."

Now everyone was crying. All three women telling Dave he'd been an exemplary Dad.

The waiter coughed behind them. He was holding a large crème caramel dessert. Dave looked at Maria who returned his look, shaking her head, silently denying she'd ordered it.

After placing it on the table, the waiter handed Dave a note. It read simply, "A hard shell, but a soft, sweet centre."

Dave passed it to Maria who laughed her sweet laugh.

"Looks like she didn't fall for your tough man act either."

*********

EPILOGUE

Three time zones away, Martha was still lying awake, trying desperately not to awaken the overweight slob beside her.

When her meagre share from the divorce ran out, she'd tried getting a teaching job, without references, in her new state. After a three-month bridging course, she'd been allowed to practice but was only offered positions in small schools in shithole bush towns. They paid the bills, but she was desperate to get back to a city. With the public school system not an option, she'd resorted to desperate measures to get into something private.

The guy lying next to her was the head of the board of an exclusive girl's school and if she didn't wake him, hopefully he wouldn't have time to fuck her again before he had to leave. The mere thought almost made Martha dry reach in her mouth. Sticking to the plan was hard sometimes. That plan being to get a job she was proud of, so she could finally hunt down her daughters and become part of their lives. It had taken nigh on a decade and a half, but she'd finally realised what was important. She rolled carefully onto her side, her silent tears soaking the pillow.

THE END

NOW, TO EASE YOUR JOURNEY FROM FICTION BACK TO COLD, HARD REALITY...

Hi, mate, I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty.

Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

And now a joke from me (CreativityTakesCourage). Below is a genuine, unedited, Amazon review on VEET For Men Hair Removal Gel sent to me by a friend. I thought I'd share it with you.

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considerd myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen.

I didn't have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me.

The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...:)