The Family Man

"Understandable," Darla said, nodding her head. "How about I talk, and you only listen for a moment. If you want to ask questions, you may. If not, we only lose five minutes of our day, and neither of us is worse off." There was no smile with her offer. Just a relaxed glare as she waited for my reply.

"Okay, I'll listen." I crossed my legs and folded my hands together on top of my thigh. A wall in case this drifted someplace I didn't want to go. Darla's smile returned. She absently pushed her glasses higher on her nose and began.

"As I said, Jake has been seeing me weekly. We have been dealing with his anger issues and augmenting his detoxification with AA. He has made remarkable strides, but real progress takes time. There are still some things he won't discuss, and until he does, that final line will be difficult to cross."

"What things?" I said, then nearly slapped myself for opening my mouth. I had meant to remain silent.

"He has recounted some of the violent incidents that involved you. They are always a description of the physical nature of the act and contain real remorse, but I can't get him to tell me what he was thinking and feeling at the time." Darla paused for a moment, tilting her hand to and fro, "It's difficult to solve an issue when he only admits to half of it. I suspect he'll open up once it becomes more historical in his mind."

"He can still be violent?" Damn my lack of silence. My mouth moved before my brain could shut it up.

"Anyone can be violent, Natalie," Darla told me carefully. "Jake has more tools at his disposal now and a strong desire not to repeat. He knows how to recognize the beginning signs of losing control and can defuse it. If he continues the cessation of alcohol, I would be surprised if he threw the first punch. That's not to say he's cured. It will be a lifelong process, and he still has a few hurdles like the one I mentioned a moment ago."

"So, you're saying he's better but not perfect."

"None of us are perfect." Darla chuckled. "There are still things that might trigger Jake. I do believe he could handle it, but there's always a chance I'm wrong. I'm certainly not perfect either."

"What kind of triggers?"

"Maria," Darla replied quickly. "Jake's greatest fear is that he has lost her. He has a strong desire to be her father and sees it as a definition of his self-worth. It has become a goal, and I have not discouraged it."

"I can't ask Maria..."

"This isn't on her," Darla interrupted, waving away my concern. "Jake knows what he's done and realizes it will take a long time to repair the damage. It would be best if it weren't made more difficult by a dissenting opinion. Do you know he carries Maria's thank you note from Christmas with him?"

"Well, no. We don't really talk." It was a complete surprise. Jake never had that kind of touchy-feely in him before.

"I'm going to say this bluntly, and believe me it's not a condemnation of you or the pain you've been through." Darla waited for me to acknowledge her words with a nod. "Control his access until you feel comfortable, even if that's forever. Just don't poison Maria's mind against Jake."

I almost jumped up to shout adamantly that I would never do such a thing. The insinuation hurt at first, then it quieted as I remembered some of the kids at school whose parents were going through contentious divorces. Darla was covering all the bases.

"I guess that happens a lot," I said, glad that she warned me up front.

"Yes, and in this case, the resentment may grow into something worse."

"I've never hidden the truth from her."

"And you shouldn't. Jake has to deal with what he's done. I believe his recovery deserves an open mind, but not a blind eye." Darla lifted her purse from the floor and fished through it. "Here's my card. The waiver allows us to speak in the future if you would like to. During the day, you'll probably have to leave a message, and I'll get back to you as soon as some time opens up."

"Is this normal?" I asked as I took the card.

"I've done it once before, but it's rare. Does it make you uncomfortable?"

"Are you psychoanalyzing me?" I laughed when she smiled.

"Habit," Darla said, "Jake will be coming in in a moment. Would you like me to stay?"

"No," I replied, shaking my head. "But thank you for this." I held up the card. "If anything, it is proof he wants to change."

"He already has," Darla said as she stood. "I'm just trying to make sure he doesn't revert back." We shook hands, and she left. I sat back down and stared at the card as I thought about our short conversation. Jake was trying to convince me that the horror was over. I was beginning to believe.

***

"Hi Natalie," Jake said softly as he entered. He was wearing a flannel shirt tucked into a pair of old faded jeans, totally out of place with the surroundings. I again folded my hands across my thigh.

"Jake," I said, nodding slightly. He took a seat on the other side of the table which relieved some of my discomfort.

"Thank you for seeing me."

"Thank you for the checks," I responded. He waved away my thanks.

"It's a requirement. I should thank you for not having me back in court."

"Darla seems nice," I said, attempting to change the subject.

"She's been a great help. I wanted you to have access to her and hopefully begin rebuilding some trust."

"Darla was telling me you don't want to talk about what you were thinking during your episodes." I knew I was pushing, but I needed to know how much he had changed.

"It's difficult to talk about." Jake was calm but forthright. "I can tell you, but you'd find it upsetting."

"That last time," I said trying to be the brave one, "I was behind the door with a baseball bat. I thought I'd have to kill you to stop you. My greatest fear was missing on the first swing." Jake's eyes flooded as he considered my words.

"Was Maria there?" A tear rolled from his eye and quickly wiped away.

"At first. I sent her to a neighbor, but she saw the bat." I said it with less confidence. The pain to him was obvious.

"I thought you took everything. I was going to show you how much it hurt," Jake said, turning his head away from me. His jaw tightened as he tried to control his emotions. "You were my scapegoat, and I intended to harm you." His hand moved quickly back to his face, wiping the cheek I could no longer see.

"And now?"

"When I don't think about it, I feel stronger. The memories make me weak." Jake turned his red eyes back to me. "I feel less than I should be. It's selfish, I know."

"I had to buy a gun to feel stronger," I said. I wasn't sure if it was a warning or a commiseration of a shared weakness. Jake's eyes widened.

"I guess that was inevitable." Jake said. I had never seen him so defeated, and he had done it to himself. A few months ago, I would have enjoyed every moment of it. Today, it was depressing, further proof my first marriage had a disastrous ending.

"What changed?" I asked. Jake tried to hide a smirk that developed involuntarily before he spoke.

"Kind of got hit by a moral truck."

"Eric?" Jake's eyes widened again. At least I could still surprise him. I wondered if it was a trigger that Darla had no idea about.

"Eric," Jake nodded, "I didn't realize you knew."

"Maria and I have shared a couple of meals with him. He was...hesitant...to associate with me at first and is still apprehensive about sharing anything about you. Or his past." I expected to see jealousy flicker in Jake's eyes. Nothing.

"He has an old notion of chivalry that struck a cord." Eric chuckled, "I took a swing at him that first day. Never saw a man move so fast. Before I knew it, I was laying in the backseat of my car, and we were driving away."

"He told me you interrupted his reading," I said, adding a smile.

"I doubt it," Jake said, shaking his head, "He made it quite clear that to show up on your doorstep drunk again would be the end of me. He took me to a park and lectured about the honor and duty the world required of a father. At first, I thought him insane, but as I sobered up...well...I felt ashamed. Still feel it today."

"One lecture and everything changed?"

"Hell no. That man has follow through. He found me Darla and has been personally taking me to AA meetings." Jake paused a moment, his brain digesting what he was admitting. "He's been a friend, a really good friend. Sometimes, I wonder if I deserve it."

"He must have seen something worth redeeming."

"That's what's so strange. I could swear he was as concerned with Maria's welfare as mine." Jake looked directly at me. "At first I thought his interest was something else, but I don't believe that anymore. There's something off about him, but I can't put my finger on it. To tell you the truth, I've spent more time figuring out myself, and I just accept his friendship as a gift."

"A gift for all of us," I summarized. It was good to know I wasn't the only one who found Eric strange. A handsome strange, but strange nonetheless. Maybe I should have given Terrance's call more credence.

"I'd like to spend some time with Maria. With you there, of course," Jake said.

"How about her birthday party? I'm having people over on Saturday the day after." There would be a number of people, and it would be a good place to reintroduce the two. Sort of neutral ground in case Maria is hesitant. Jakes smile grew past his eyes.

"What should I get her? Eric helped me with the Christmas present, but I haven't seen her enough to know what she wants." I almost laughed at Jake's enthusiasm.

"She likes a brand of non-matching socks. I think they're kind of goofy, but she and her friends think they're all the rage. If your email is the same, I'll send you the link."

"It's the same. Thank you," Eric said, "I guess I shouldn't expect much the first time."

"Maybe not, but I know she misses you. I told her you were will ill. Sorry about that." Darla's words made me believe it was best to be honest. At least it wasn't the poison he deserved at the time.

"In a way, I was. Is she afraid?"

"She pretends not to be, but I can see it in her. Probably because of what she saw in me," I replied, again with the truth.

"I promise I'll take it slow. You just need to let me know if I'm pushing it." Jake grimaced. "I can't believe I fell so far as to scare our baby." I cringed inwardly at the word 'our.' In my mind, Maria had become mine. It would have to be slow for the both of us. Jake looked at me, his eyes struggling with his thoughts. "I'm trying desperately not to say I'm sorry for the mess I caused. Darla is insistent that I have to let my actions be my apology, but it doesn't seem enough." A warm smile grew on my face. My opinion of Darla improved.

"She's right, and in time it will be more than enough."

"What time should I be there, the party I mean?" Jake asked, emboldened by my smile.

"About 11:30, lunch will be at noon."

"I'll be there," Jake said while he stood, "and thank you for not saying no." He opened the door, then closed it again, turning back to me. "If that drunken man ever returns, He would prefer the gun to the baseball bat." It was permission with some added humor. The old Jake was like that, and it was good to see some of it again. I chuckled at his smile, the first laugh we had shared in nearly three years.

***

Before I picked up Maria from Mrs. Cummings, I went directly to Eric's house. I waited patiently for the door to open. Eric was holding a book in one hand, his finger tucked in as a bookmark like the first time I'd seen him. He looked comfortable in jeans, an old pullover sweatshirt, and thick white socks.

"Natalie," Eric acknowledged.

"I met with Jake today, about an hour ago."

"And?" Eric asked, turning his palm toward me as if to ask why I was informing him. I moved in close before he could think to retreat. My arms wrapped around him as he stiffened like a board. I kissed his cheek, holding my lips there longer than I should have. He needed a shave but smelled pleasantly like fresh cut wood.

"Thank you," I whispered in his ear. I released Jake and turned away, walking toward Mrs. Cummings house. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him trying to figure out a response. It took him a half a minute to decide not to say anything and close the door. I smiled. I had no idea why I liked that man off-balance.

Chapter 13

"You kissed him?" Cynthia asked. She was wearing a scandalous smile.

"Shhhh," I hissed, reminding her of all the kids about. It was our turn to monitor the cafeteria. "On the cheek and it ruffled him pretty good," I whispered. Maria was four tables over, well out of earshot.

"You like him." Cynthia's smile was growing, but at least her voice had dropped.

"Maybe, but he's an enigma. One moment he's warm, the next distance. That and I know almost nothing about him."

"You don't have to marry him, just use his body for your pleasure," Cynthia whispered, thankfully leaning in close. I smiled and nudged her hard with my elbow.

"Not at school," I said while I looked around to see if any little ears had perked up.

"It's been, what, three years for you."

"I have a daughter." And it was five years, but that was none of Cynthia's business. "Besides, I'm not too sure about dating a closed book. If I could get him to open up, I'd feel better about it."

"It's not like he's a mass murderer."

"True. Maybe he's still in love with his dead wife," I said, thinking out loud.

"Wasn't that years ago?"

"Many, but it was his promise to her that made him deal with Jake. Another reason not to rock the boat. If his history is correct, he won't even be around for long."

"All the more reason to move quickly." Cynthia bounced her eyebrows to make sure I understood the salacious nature of her comment.

"You're terrible," I said, sharing her smile. "Are you coming to Maria's party this Saturday?"

"Sorry," Cynthia said, shaking her head. "If I go to hers, I'll have to attend all the student's parties. We'll do something in class if you want to supply some cookies or cupcakes."

"Cookies," I agreed, "Friday okay."

"That works. Is Eric going to her party?" Cynthia's interest was piqued.

"Not with Jake coming. Didn't seem like a good idea to mix all four of us at once. Not sure how Jake would respond." The last thing I needed was for Jake to revert and my life becomes hell again.

"Probably a good idea. Are you still going to the shooting range?"

"Been there three times now. You want to try it again? I could use help cleaning the gun afterward."

"Sure."

"I have to talk with Mrs. Cummings, but we could probably go Tuesday or Wednesday night next week." The gun had become more of a hobby than the necessity it was many months ago. It gave me confidence, which was always important. Even the impression of control had the power to make life more comfortable.

"Tuesday would be better," Cynthia said. I promised to let her know as soon as I could talk with Mrs. Cummings. The afternoon bell went off and the cafeteria disassembled into a mass of juvenile movement.

***

"My dad is coming. He'll be here in a little bit," Maria was telling her friends. She was excited, as much for her party as for the upcoming reunion. Her nervousness was expected. I hoped Jake's return didn't become a disappointment. I moved some of the presents off to the side table to clear some room for the cake. Young girls created a lot of noise, and I found myself doing busy work to try and keep my mind centered. I was as nervous as Maria.

"She sure is excited," Martha Cummings said, helping me organize forks, plates, and napkins.

"I hope it's not a disappointment," I whispered, not that the din created by the girls would have allowed my voice to travel far.

"She's been talking about it all week," Martha added. That added more pressure. If the meeting went bad, I would have a depressed ex and a possible return of the problems. Maria would be confused, the return of the tears. I should have called Darla and gotten some advice. I felt unarmed for something that once seemed simple. "It will be fine." Mrs. Cummings placed her hand on my forearm. I had been staring at Maria.

"Of course it will." I smiled and found more busy work.

The doorbell at 11:30 crawled up my spine, sending an undesired shiver to my extremities. Maria froze looking toward the door, her friend's mouths still moving as if a world-ending event wasn't about to happen. I took a deep breath and moved to answer the door. There was fear in my daughter's eyes which exported to mine.

Jake entered the house with zero confidence and a happily wrapped box under his arm. He gave me half a smile to match his halting hello. He found Maria still staring, and I saw the color leave his face as fear fed fear. I turned to find Maria's eyes flooding, which egged on mine. A disaster in the making.

"Daddy!" Maria shouted. She leaped to her feet and ran into his arms. Fear evaporated, tears flowed. Jake dropped the package and wrapped his arms around his daughter, lifting her to his chest and hugging her close. I wiped at my traitorous eyes, using the closing of the door to cover my weakness. Jake and Maria didn't seem to care who saw their tears.

"I missed you so much sweetie," Jake said into her ear. I patted Maria on her back and moved toward the kitchen. Jake and Maria would have to reestablish their relationship with me on the peripheral. Maria needed the both of us, and we needed her. It would be better if she didn't rely on us together.

"That was touching," Mrs. Cummings said, wiping her eyes.

"Better than I could have hoped," I said truthfully. Looking back, the two were still hugging, Maria's arms and legs wrapped securely around her father. Jake mouthed a 'thank you' to me. I smiled back, the many high pitched voices hiding the reunion from unconcerned eyes.

***

"You're better now?" Maria asked. She and Jake were alone in the kitchen having brought in some of the now empty cake plates. I was about to walk in with more, but decided to leave that answer to Jake.

"Much better, Cupcake," Jake said brightly and with a renewed confidence. "I am seeing a doctor and gave up drinking." I was surprised at his candor, though Maria deserved the truth.

"That means you'll be coming home again," Maria said excitedly. I froze, trying to decide whether it was time to interfere. I had explained what a divorce meant to Maria, but she obviously thought it was conditional.

"Oh, Maria," Jake said softly, "There are some things that can't be undone." I heard shuffling, probably Jake taking Maria in his arms again. "I'm so sorry I can't put things back to the way they were. Your mother and I have an understanding, and you're at the center of it. Me coming back home is not part of it."

"But why not?"

"Well, you see...things happened. I did things, said things that damaged the love between your mother and I. We'll always care for each other, but the things that kept us together are gone. Luckily, we have you, so we'll always be friends." I covered my mouth and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to forestall another set of tears.

"But I want to see you more," Maria cried.

"Me too," Jake sighed, "In time, we'll be able to see each other as much as we want. So much more you'll get tired of me." I couldn't take it anymore. It was a risk, but Maria needed her father.

"Oh, there you two are," I said as I entered the kitchen. Jake was on his knee, and Maria was once again hanging on to him for dear life. "Maria, did you tell your dad about soccer."

"I'm doing the YMCA soccer league this year," Maria said, perking up.