The Fappening

Bella was essentially shaking as the speech poured from her lips. Her eyes were boring into me so fiercely that I almost felt guilty. It almost felt like she was right, like I had been trying to use her. But I knew that I hadn't been. I had simply been trying to help. I hadn't wanted any sort of notoriety for helping. Nonetheless, a sort of shame descended over me. I tried to make myself smaller in the chair. Bella finished speaking and stood, panting, next to the television.

"I really didn't do that..." Was all I could say in response. Bella rolled her eyes.

"I'm leaving Jayne. I'm glad you feel ashamed of your actions. You should," Bella said, looking at me intensely. Then she turned her body and headed towards the door.

Something inside of me clicked as I saw her body moving past me, just a few feet from the chair. Something about her words resonated for the first time. She was right. I should feel ashamed. The guilt I was feeling...it wasn't just because of the heat of her anger. It was earned. I'd known that I should be ashamed. I felt it before. I had known I was using Bella. Not the way she thought. But I had been. All this time.

I had been looking at Bella Radnor as a sort of...object. A sexual object, of course. I mean I couldn't deny what I had been doing with her pictures for months. But it was more than that, deeper than that. I had been using her as a sort of...talisman. That by reveling in her downfall, by luxuriating in the horrible details of her exposures that somehow, I was protecting myself. If I soaked in all of the humiliation vicariously through here then...maybe I wouldn't ever have to really feel it for myself. And so I was sort of...happy that it had happened, in a sickening sort of way. Bella's pain had made me careful and it had shown my own vulnerable spots, let me build new defenses. And so I was grateful for her humiliation. I used it. And here she was now, a person in front of me. Not a symbol, not a warning, but an actual person. A person who was extremely hurt and extremely afraid. And I no longer felt anything but pure shame for the secret happiness I'd felt for that pain and fear. And I owed her an apology. I owed her an apology because I...idolized her and I couldn't bear to have her leave like this. More importantly, I owed her an apology because she was a person, who deserved the dignity of an apology. From everyone, but from me in particular.

"Wait, Bella," I said and she shook her head and kept moving towards the door, "No wait, really, I need... I am sorry. You're right. I... owe you an apology."

"Too late," she said reaching the door. I jumped up off of the chair and turned to face her at the door. I felt frantic. I needed to keep her here. I'd never have the chance to apologize again.

"I'm not sorry about the publicity thing. You're wrong about that. But I owe you an apology. A bigger apology," I said frantically. Bella's hand was on the doorknob, her back was to me. She stopped and turned. She looked at me warily, like she wasn't sure what I was getting at. I waited for a moment, unsure of what to say next. What exactly was I trying to confess to her? Why had I felt the need to do this in the first place? I almost wanted to back out now, but she still staring at me. I couldn't stop now.

"I...haven't been totally honest with you. Not that I lied about anything I just...haven't been totally honest," I said finally. Bella crossed her arms in front of her breasts and knitted her brow. She shrugged.

"Okay..." she said. I sighed and screwed my eyes up to the ceiling. My thoughts were racing a mile a minute and my entire body felt tight and weak at the same time. Brittle I guess.

"I didn't use you today. But I have used you...I've been using you..." I said. I squeezed my fists at my side, frustrated. What was I trying to say?

"How do you mean?" She asked, sounding somewhat concerned, "Like before today?"

"Yes," I said, my voice coming out barely above a whisper. She took a step towards me and it took all of my strength not to recoil backwards. But I saw that she looked scared as well. I realized I was making this worse by being cryptic.

"What did you do?" she asked nervously. I could see her paranoia flaring up. I wondered what I would think if someone had said the same thing to me. She probably thought that I was some sort of psychotic stalker or something. Maybe I was. I needed to explain.

"I...when the pictures came out...It wasn't just about you...I mean it is, it is all about you...but I have been...I've needed..." I stammered and ran my hand through my hair. I knew what I needed to say. There was no way to tell part of the truth. In order to confess properly, Bella had to know everything. But if she knew everything...

"I don't know what your game is here Jayne, but I don't like it. It was bad enough when people abandoned me. Now I have fucking weirdos glomming on. Just leave me alone. I'm not going to say anything to anyone about this. You've got your publicity stunt," she said. Then she began to turn again. I realized that I run out of time. There was no longer any chance for explanations. She was going to walk out on the door and if she did...I would lose something. I couldn't say what. I don't know. Bella had lost the respect of Hollywood and had been humiliated before the public. But if I didn't...come clean now or I'd lose respect for myself. I would always know of my secret humiliation. There was only one thing left to do.

"Wait, look!" I said sharply. My heart was pounding and my hands felt damp. My mind was spinning like the wheels on a slot machine and I couldn't keep anything straight. I just knew what I had to do. Bella turned, one last time, and looked at me coldly. I took in a sharp breath and began to move.

In order to impress my fans, I had worn an outfit similar to my character's normal clothes on my television program. As a result, I was wearing a tight, black-leather mini skirt with a red corseted tanktop. I was also wearing knee-high black leather boots. The skirt zipped down the side and my trembling fingers now worked their way over to the zipper. I grasped the cold metal in my fingers and gasped for air. Slowly, I started to pull the zipper down on the side. Bella looked confused and kept her hand on the doorknob. But her eyes remained on me.

I unzipped very slowly, but it was as fast as I could move. After a few seconds, the skirt began to feel loose around my waist. Seemingly in no time, the skirt had dropped down my thighs and pooled on the hotel room floor. I was wearing a pair of boyshort panties. They didn't exactly fit the sexy outfit, but I wore them when I wore a skirt because they...covered a wide area and they were very, very tight. They kept everything in place without the need for tape. Still, I wondered if Bella could see the slight bulge in my panties as I disrobed.

"What are you doing?" she asked uneasily. I looked up at her briefly, pleading with my eyes for her not to ask any more questions. I had to do this, but I couldn't talk about it. If I started to speak, the panic and the anxiety that I was barely keeping in check would overwhelm me. I would stop right then. I didn't speak, but she didn't follow up.

Instead, I looked down over my body, I felt my long hair drape over my shoulders and hang down over my breasts. I looked down over my cleavage to my smooth, toned stomach. I saw the top of the hemline of the panties. Slowly, my hands reached back up towards my waist. I hooked my thumbs into the waistline of my panties, feeling the heat of my skin against my nails. My heart was pounding so fiercely that I could feel my body rocking to the rhythm. My body was fighting against my will. I knew I needed to act quickly, like ripping off a bandage.

I jerked my thumbs down and my panties slipped off my hips and pooled on the ground at my feet. I felt...it sort of bounce against my body as my panties fell down. I kept my eyes down, looking down between my breasts. I could see my penis, somewhat smaller and more shriveled than usual. I was so very nervous. The smooth white skin and the small, pink tip faced down towards the floor and I kept my eyes on it. The room was totally silent. Finally, I looked up.

Bella was staring at me, wide-eyed. Her hand had moved off the doorknob and instead it was covering her open mouth. She was standing rigid, every muscle in her body seemingly tensed. For an irrational half second, I realized that my greatest fear had come true, through my own stupid hand. Someone had found out about my secret. And I believed in that moment that the look on Bella's face exhibited pure disgust. I nearly turned to run...where I don't know. I was about to collapse. And then I realized that Bella wasn't disgusted. Of all the people in the world, she would be the one person who wouldn't be.

"For real?" she asked, sounding absolutely stunned. She took another step towards me. Her eyes were wider and I saw them keep darting up and down between my eyes and my cock. She let out a little choking laugh and shook her head. She ran her hand through her longer hair.

"You're not the only one," I said, and I realized for the first time that I was already crying. Bella closed the remaining distance between us and I felt her arms wrap around me. Now it was her turn to rescue me. I felt the strength of her arms as they wrapped around me, I felt her large warm breasts press into my own, and I felt the cool, smooth fabric of her dress against my cock. I felt her squeeze me tightly and I felt her head resting on my shoulder.

Soon, we were both crying.

We held each other for a long time. I can't really describe to you what that felt like. It was a kind of understanding...It was a kind of knowing that I'd never felt before. Here I was, open in front of someone with who I was, and there was acceptance. There was a sudden kinship I'd never felt with anyone in the world. We didn't have to say anything to know that the other person was completely in tune. It was like we'd known each other forever. And because we both knew the fear and the shame the other person felt...all the time, we just melted into one another. An instant connection that would last forever, something I didn't know could exist.

"I can't believe it. You really did know how I feel. Or you can at least imagine it," Bella said after a long while. We sort of pulled back from our hug. Our hips were still pressed together and my limp cock was against her dress, but we split at the stomach, our breasts now a couple of inches apart. We looked at each other in the eyes, I could see tears streaming down her face, making her look more beautiful than ever. I knew I was crying too. Bella was smiling and I could tell she was feeling the same strange, unaccountable feeling of relief that I felt washing over me. I wiped the tears from my eyes.

"I didn't know how to say it. I like...can't say it. I had to show you," I said and she nodded.

"I understand now," she said, "I really do. And I am sorry for yelling at you. I am sorry for everything. I didn't know." She said sincerely. But I started to shake my head.

"No," I said, "No, I owe you an apology still. You were right to yell." And then it just sort of came out of me. I couldn't hold it back now. There was no reason to withhold the truth anymore; the greatest secret was out to Bella. And so the truth forced itself from my lips. I told Bella about the morning I'd woken up and heard about the data breach. I told her about the fear that it was me. The surprise in finding out it was someone else. Rushing to my room to look at the pictures. The feeling of shame at looking and also...horrible feelings of relief. And in the flood of words I told her everything. I told her about the final picture. About the undeniable urge to recreate her scene. I told her about my growing ritual, my need to place myself like her, to touch myself in the same way she had touched herself, so that I could ward off the humiliation she'd felt.

I told her everything in a rush of words that came so fast I could barely understand them myself. But I couldn't stop either. Bella needed to know what she meant to me and also the fact that I had, in some ways, betrayed a confidence with her that she didn't even know we had.

By the time I was finished, my face was completely red and I felt like I was about to fall over. Only Bella's hands, still grasping my elbows, held me in place. She had looked at me sort of blankly while I spoke and I had no idea what she was feeling or thinking. I didn't know if I had somehow ruined the beautiful moment we'd just shared by speaking. But I knew that I didn't have any choice, I had to say what I said. For the first time in a very long time, I didn't feel any regret.

"I'm not mad at you Jayne. I don't know why you'd think I would be. I mean first of all...we don't even really know each other, " and then she smiled, "We didn't know each other. And I'm not...angry that you are still able to do your job. I don't blame you for being relieved. I am jealous of you." I felt something like relief, but it wasn't complete. I needed her to understand.

"But I didn't have any right to...use your pictures like that. It was like there was this tension inside of me from the fear. I needed to get it out. And I just...I followed your lead in the pictures. I know why I did it. I couldn't help myself. But that doesn't make it right," Bella nodded at me slowly. And pulled away from our hug. Her hands slipped down my arms and for a moment I thought she was leaving. But she stopped when her hands reached my own. Our bodies were now two feet apart and she looked me up and down (I blushed harder, somehow).

"You feel guilty for being one of the people who stole my pictures? For seeing them without my permission and making me a sex object?" She asked. I nodded and bit my lower lip. I held my breath, wondering what she would say. She let out a little snort.

"Huh," she said, "I never thought I'd ever hear anyone say that. I don't think people have ever really wondered what it was like for me. What that feels like. You don't know what that means to me." She said. She looked down briefly and it seemed that gather herself. I think she was surprised by the strength of what she was feeling. It had sort of come up on her, caught her unaware.

"I am sorry Bella, for everything," I said. She looked up at me now, smiling broadly and nodding.

"I forgive you Jayne," she said and I felt like a weight had been lifted off of me. I let out a low sigh and closed my eyes. But Bella wasn't done, "In fact," she said, "I'd be willing to retroactively give you, and only you, permission, to see my pictures. There won't be any need for forgiveness. I'll just allow you." I looked up quickly and tilted my head to the side.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well," she said, her smile growing sly, "you got to see me intimately. And you said you even...posed yourself like me in those last few pictures. Why don't you show me? Then we really are even," she said, raising her eyebrows as she spoke.

I was more than a little shocked. It was about the last suggestion I ever expected to hear. But I hadn't heard any sort of joking undertone to her voice. She seemed completely serious. What's more, her request seemed completely fair. I'd seen her. Now she could see me. I guess I didn't really recognize it at the time, but there was something else there too. An energy sort of vibrating around the room. We could both feel it, I was sure. I guess some of it was the nature of what we'd been talking about and the fact that I was naked from the waist down. But it was more than that. It was the connection that we'd both felt when we both knew...knew that we were the same. It seemed like something needed to happen. Something needed to cement that relationship in place and to even everything out.

"Okay," I said, my voice coming out small, but husky, "Okay, that's fair." There really wasn't even a lot of internal deliberation. I just knew that I was going to do it. I didn't even feel nervous, I wanted to do this for Bella, to show her what she meant to me.

I turned and started to walk towards the bed. As I moved in that direction, I quickly slipped my tank-top up over my shoulders and dropped it onto the floor. I unhooked my bra (in the front) and let it sort of melt off of my body. My heart was fluttering harder than ever before now, but the heaviness was gone. It was all excitement. A kind of positive nervousness I could remember from casting calls and auditions. I'd never felt anything like in this sort of situation before.

When I reached the bed, I quickly turned and sat down on the edge and put my knees together. As I unzipped my leather boots, I looked up. I saw Bella walking back down out of the narrow hallway and into the main section of the hotel room. She was looking at me mischievously and took a seat on the chair where I'd been sitting just a few minutes before. By the time she got settled, my boots were off and I'd kicked my legs onto the bed.

The comforter felt cool and silky against my skin and I felt myself moving in a sort of slinky, seductive fashion. I felt a little like I was acting but it was...different. It felt more natural. I turned and looked at Bella sitting on the edge of her chair. She was looking at me intently, still smiling.

Now that I came to terms with what I was doing, my body sort of took over. I'd done this so many times in the last few months that it came as second nature to me. I leaned my head back on the pillow and I turned my head towards Bella, looking at her closely. At the same time I spread my legs incredibly wide, just like she had been in the picture. My left hand quickly snaked down my body, my palm dragging across the smooth skin of my stomach. My fingertips pressed into the soft skin of my cock and my whole body trembled. I let out a little gasp and I saw Bella shift slightly in her seat.

My penis was still pretty much flaccid, my nerves had been too much. But it was plumped slightly and, regardless, it still felt nice to touch it. Carefully my hand wrapped around the shaft of my cock and the slightly wet warmth of it felt heavy in my hand. As I usually did, I pulled my skin up so that it looked like I still had my foreskin. I saw no reason to change my routine now. And because my routine was so firmly in place, I kept moving quickly.

My right hand move quickly, reaching up towards my face. I kept my eyes on Bella as my fingers entered my mouth. I had learned through trial and error that no amount of spit was too much, extra lubrication was always good. I'd also learned that choking could really help in the production of spit. As my fingers slipped into my mouth, I spread my lips wide. I felt my fingertips slide along the wet, rough surface of my tongue and then plunge into my throat. My throat closed and my eyes watered as I gagged. My mouth filled with thick saliva and I let it drip onto my fingers.

Bella made a little sound as she watched me pull my wet fingers through my lips. I blinked the tears from my eyes and kept looking at her. She was biting her lower lip and looking at me intently. Her cheeks were slightly red and I could see that she was breathing more deeply than she had been before. But I didn't have time to think about that. I quickly moved my right hand down my body, careful to keep my fingers, especially my middle finger, as wet as possible.

In a few moments, I was using my thumb to lift my heavy balls up, away from my body. I swirled my fingers around on the crinkled rosebud of my asshole. I made sure that it was very wet, but kept my middle finger damp as well. I'd learned a lot in the last few months, I'd gotten better at this. Once I was properly lubricated, I moved my middle finger up against my asshole. I immediately started to put pressure on it. I felt a familiar force against my anus and I felt my finger slowly opening my body. Then I felt myself give way and my slick finger pushed its way quickly past my first and second knuckle. There was no difficulty now, I'd become a pro at this. In moments, my finger was buried deep inside of me and my insides were hugging me tightly. All these feelings were common now, familiar, comforting even.